Part 2
Before You Burn
I know that's a secret, for it's whispered every where.
'Love for Love' William Congreve
The next morning, Sasuke was already up when I got downstairs, and he looked three times as bad as he did the previous day. I expected a poisonous glare because he was feeding them to me the entire previous evening, but Sasuke didn't even glance at the door when I came in. I was almost insulted at first but after several minutes of observation, I realized he was treating everyone the same; like he wasn't even in the room with us.
He wasn't talking much, and you'd have to prompt him several times if you wanted him to hear you, which was creepily unusual. Granted I didn't know him very well, but that kind of behavior just didn't feel right on him. It was almost normal when he would talk. His nose wasn't stuffed any more, but his eyes were even worse than before, swollen and red.
Obito kept asking questions, but Sasuke wouldn't say anything except that he couldn't sleep at night. He ended up sleeping in the family room later and was in a much better mood after that but still. It didn't make me feel any better. I had to learn to think before doing stupid things, I really had to.
*
I heard the door open and close that night. Sasuke was quiet, careful, but I couldn't sleep, so I heard him. The door of the bathroom stayed silent. The steps disappeared down the stairs. It was a good idea, I remember thinking, for him to go and watch television if he couldn't sleep.
I followed after several minutes, watched him flip channels through the open door, but I went back to bed after while. I fell asleep some time after that so I have no idea when Sasuke went to bed.
*
Itachi was worried. He kept staring at Sasuke silently, a frown on his face. No wonder he was, too. You don't watch a member of your family stop eating completely and look over their shoulder all the time without getting worried. For days, Sasuke behaved oddly. No one could get a straight answer out of him; no one knew why he wasn't sleeping at night.
I developed a habit of waking up at every sound at night. I guess I was worried myself.
On the third day, as I was watching him carefully while he was flipping through channels, Sasuke snapped at me. "Stop looking at me like that! It's not the fucking cat!"
I knew that. Obito told me when I asked about it that Sasuke's allergies were just manifesting on his sinuses. Bloodshot eyes were just a side effect. As he could breathe normally now, that wasn't it. Still, I felt responsible.
"Then what is it?" Sasuke glared, and shook his head jerkily, once. "Okay, fine. You won't talk to me, I get it. You better talk to someone, though. We're all going crazy in the house because of you."
Harsh, sudden laughter made me look at him sharply. It had a tiny lilt of hysteria in it, the way he snorted and then continued in crisp barks. I know the guy hadn't had a lot of experience laughing and all, but that attempt freaked me out.
"Oh, you're going crazy. That's a good one."
I opened my mouth when he cut off the laughter, probably realizing how he sounded, but snapped them shut again. What was I going to say anyway? He acted crazy. He was talking like he was crazy.
He reacted on the word 'crazy'.
I left him to change channels and went to tell Kakashi about what happened. Kakashi promised me they'd take care of it.
*
The plan for taking care of it, I later realized, consisted of cornering Sasuke until he talked. I mean it almost literally, too. They would start first thing in the morning, at breakfast. Itachi would bark out random shit about family honor and honesty, though that subdued after a while, leaving him just worried. Obito was pleading and snapping in turns and Kakashi was mostly kicking me under the table not to interrupt, pretending to read a book. They failed miserably every time they attempted that tactic because Sasuke would just watch them like a dead brained zombie for a while, then walk out.
I itched to follow him. I didn't want to ask questions, I wasn't upset, not at him. All I wanted was to sit someplace where he would be in my sight, so I could be sure he was alright. In a way, that was what I've been doing, almost unconsciously, for the past week or so. I'd seek Sasuke out and find a way to entertain myself nearby.
Not that he was any less of a bastard, but that was okay. That was kind of what I liked about him anyway. If anything, at that point, I wished he would dive out of whatever place he went to inside his head long enough to bitch at me more.
In the beginning, he sometimes slept if someone else was in room with him. He would fall asleep like a small child while sitting at the table or on the floor under the window, where he usually read whenever the weather was bad. I had tried to cover him with a blanket once, but that ended badly. He jerked as soon as the cloth made contact, widened his eyes up at the ceiling and after several moment, snapped at me not to go anywhere near him.
I gave up on covering and trying to come closer, but not on watching him. It's a good thing he didn't complain about that because that was one battle I was absolutely sure he wouldn't win.
About two weeks after I let the kitten in Sasuke's house, I woke up from the noise of Sasuke' door opening and closing, just like I made a habit of doing almost every night. I listened carefully, wondering if I should follow him downstairs again. He would just sit there on the couch anyway, changing channels without even paying attention to what was on them. But I wanted to – no, I needed to check on him if I wanted to catch any sleep that night myself.
I moved the blanket off me. Nights in the old house on a hill were always chilly at night; no matter how warm was it outside. As I heard the sound of my feet meeting he hard wooden floor, I realized that I didn't hear anyone walking down the hall, just Sasuke's door. What was he doing, standing in the hall?
Not bothering with the slippers, I walked to the door and peeked outside. The hallway was darker than my room, the light in front of the house unable to reach it, so it took me a moment or two to recognize Itachi.
He was standing there, leaning with one arm on the wall two-three feet to the right from Sasuke's door. His shoulders were slouched, making him look a lot like his brother when he was tense, though I could tell them apart always. If he had heard me open the door, he didn't show it in any way.
Finally, after watching Itachi do nothing but breathe quietly in the empty hall, I walked out of my room and closer to him. "Itachi? Is there something wrong?"
For all his not reacting at my presence, he wasn't startled at the sound of my voice. But I was somehow grateful when he pushed himself off the wall.
"No." Was his answer, just when I thought he would leave me without it. "Weren't you sleeping?"
"Uh." I admitted, wondering what was with his eyes. Something was off; just trying to meet his gaze was sending shivers up my arms. "I haven't slept much lately."
Itachi's gaze slipped from me, in the same glassy expression. It felt as if he was looking over my shoulder at something. I had to dig my heels into the stone floor not to glance back.
"So if anything happened in Sasuke's room, you would hear it?" Itachi asked the wall behind me, but I answered anyways because I am nice like that.
"Probably. During the night, at least."
The thickness of the walls worked more than fine as a sound isolator during the day but, at this deaf hour, it was very hard to miss any loud noises in this part of the house if you're awake. I heard Sasuke walking out of his room every time and, often, I also heard him when he returned early in the morning.
"Good." Itachi said. He blinked and then looked right back at me. It felt as if he, at that moment, just found me standing there with him. "That is good. I feel better now."
Itachi left me there standing, barefoot and puzzled. Eventually I got back to bed. Sasuke didn't leave his room that night.
I couldn't help but cast glances every so often at Itachi the next morning. I didn't understand what he was playing at the previous night. It was understandable that he was worried and came to check at his brother, but to just open and close the door and then lean at the wall nearby? Was he thinking about what he should do? Considering ways to make Sasuke talk? I don't know. And because of how odd – absent, I guess, – his eyes seemed to me when we talked. I didn't like it.
Itachi didn't talk to me at all that day. He rarely would, except to answer a direct question or ask me to help him with something, but I wanted a chance to ask questions. I didn't get one. In the end, I decided he was just worried – anxious long looks he was giving to his brother were more than enough to convince me.
Unexpectedly, it was Sasuke who started the conversation about it. It was evening and I was watching a movie on the television while he was sitting on the floor near the window. Kakashi and Obito were playing cards again and Itachi was working, his laptop hiding him from all of us. I felt it, before I saw, when Sasuke sat on the couch next to me.
"What were you doing in the hallway last night?"
For a moment, my mind still full of the intense movie scene, I couldn't understand what he was talking about. It was just a second or two, but Sasuke's temper hadn't improved with the lack of sleep and whatever was bothering him.
"I'm talking to you, idiot. What were you doing in front of my room at three in the morning?"
I was happy while a surge of annoyance washed over me, if that makes any sense. "Going to the bathroom?"
He said, matter-of-factly. "You were talking to someone."
"And you recognized my voice, but not your brother's?" I asked him, and he flinched a tiny little bit on my words. "Wasn't he in your room just a minute earlier anyway? It's what woke me up."
Sasuke frowned at the laptop, or more likely at Itachi concealed behind it. "I wasn't sure who it was."
Because that was more words than we've exchanged in days I couldn't help but blink a couple of times in mock-flirting and gasp. "And you thought it was me, coming to tuck you in?"
"I wouldn't be surprised." Sasuke answered, narrowing his red-rimed eyes. "You keep following me around, like a lost puppy."
I was equally annoyed with the way he put it, and glad he wasn't too lost in his own world to notice.
"It's because you started acting weirdly after that cat thing." I grumbled. "Also, this place is boring. When are you going to snap out of it so I can kick your ass?"
The very, very thin smirk that tugged the corner of Sasuke's mouth felt like adrenalin attack. I had to take a generous breath, which finally broke it for me: I was sporting a rather huge crush for him.
"Maybe I'll let you try sometime."
I snorted, cockily. "Try, my ass."
That thin smirk widened as Sasuke rose his eyebrows. It took me a moment to realize it. That was a rather unfortunate choice of words, yes, but for Sasuke to, pretty much, point out that they can be taken differently without making me feel like a complete moron… Now, that was different.
We spent the rest of the evening in light banter, mostly fighting about what we should watch. The conversation never strayed to any form of, um, flirting after that, but I was feeling very good. Just the realization that I must have been very obvious and Sasuke hadn't said anything insulting about it made me hopeful.
*
The next two days weren't too bad, even the weather was better. But following Sasuke around to make sure that he was okay became a habit. I couldn't help it. It felt as if he would start falling apart as soon as weren't in the same room. I was glad he wasn't complaining, but I was feeling ridiculous myself.
Then it started again. Well, that might not be the right way to put it, because it never stopped, just softened somehow. The heavy atmosphere that Obito couldn't ease with jokes – not even when I was helping, Sasuke's burden, Itachi's silence; everything came back. By then, I'd learned how to love the place, the house and the land around it; even if Kakashi wasn't having his quality time with Obito, I wouldn't have wanted to go, no matter how hard things seemed.
Not to mention, abandoning Obito to cope with all that shit himself wasn't an option.
Even falling asleep in the family room, when we all were there, wasn't helping anymore. Sasuke would jerk awake after ten-fifteen minutes, breathing heavily, and look around, with an expression too close to panic, for comfort. It was heartbreaking to watch him. He'd turned paler than normal and was extremely tired, but he refused every suggestion to go to a hospital. There was nothing we could do; he was of age and very determined, so everyone was tense and on the edge. On cloudy days, if felt as if the calm would break any second and storm us off our feet.
After a while, Sasuke stopped leaving his room. Then one night, the the shrill sound of his door opening crushed my light sleep. I listened intently for a minute, but there was nothing. Irrationally scared all of the sudden, I jumped off my bed and ran for the door, sure it that it must be Itachi again. Without hesitation, I jerked my doorknob, and the door opened easily. But instead of Itachi, Sasuke was standing in the hall, a few feet away from my door, with eyes widened in surprise.
I couldn't think of anything to say. After a moment, as soon as surprise oozed out of him, Sasuke glanced over his shoulder towards his room. A very obvious shiver passed his shoulders and, without a word, he pushed me aside and walked into my room.
I followed, confused but not entirely unhappy.
"What are you doing up at this hour?" Sasuke demanded, like I was the one who woke him up.
"What are you doing up at this hour in my room?" I retorted, which was a mistake. Sasuke took a sharp breath and stood completely still for a moment in the middle of my room, then strode towards the door. I quickly inserted myself on his way.
"No, look. I'm sorry." I said quickly. "I'm glad you're here, I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep anyway."
That wasn't exactly the truth. I was still sleepy, but I wanted him to stay more. Sasuke didn't answer. He wasn't trying to go around me, either. I took that as a sign of encouragement.
"We can talk or something." I offered after some silence.
Sasuke obviously didn't want to talk, but he walked over to the only armchair in the room. He dragged it a little, so it would face the window before he set down. There was nothing else for me to do but go back to bed. The floor was too cold to stand on it. There was nothing else for me to sit on.
Leaning on my pillow, I could see only Sasuke's elbow and a knee after he gathered his right leg close to him. His breathing was barely audible. I was comfortable and warm inside of my covers, reassured by his presence. It wasn't too long before I started drifting off.
"It's a ghost."
Sasuke's voice was nothing but a whisper, but it snatched my attention. Did I hear it correctly? Did he say that it's a ghost? I held my breath; half expecting that I'd imagined he'd spoken. But he spoke again. "That's crazy, right? But that is what I see."
Finally, I managed: "A ghost?"
My disbelieving tone seemed to have encouraged Sasuke, not insulted him, like I feared it would when it got out of my mouth.
"He is everywhere, all the time." He said after a soft snort, and then paused. "I can't see him in daylight, but I feel him." After that came an even longer pause. "He's always there."
I don't believe in ghosts. I didn't think he was seeing one, not really. But the shattered way he was speaking, in short, shaky sentences made me afraid. For two weeks, he had walked around, thinking that there was a ghost following him? If he wasn't crazy and hallucinating in the first place, he would have gone crazy after all this time.
"So what does it want?" I asked finally.
Sasuke shifted in the armchair to look back at me sharply through his hair. "What?"
I didn't expect him to be mad if I went along with it, so I hesitated before answering. "Well. Isn't that what ghosts do when they haunt people? Want something?"
Sasuke laughed, same hysterical laugh as when I said we were going crazy with him in the house. It made my skin feel like worms were crawling underneath it. "Naruto. There are no such things as ghosts."
But – didn't he just say he was being followed around by one? I tried thinking back. Yeah, he said he's seeing a ghost. But he also asked me to confirm that it was crazy.
Ah. It would explain why he wasn't talking to anyone about it and the general way he was acting and responding. Sasuke was afraid he was going crazy. And, by trying to hide it, fight it, or whatever he thought he was doing, he was slowly losing his mind.
"Maybe it's some subconscious thing." I said hopefully. "You have something bothering you, and it manifests in a form of a ghost. When you make peace with whatever is it that is making it happen, you'll get better."
There was no answer. Sasuke was back to looking through the window, or I assume that that was the reason he turned the chair to face it.
I spoke again when he didn't answer: "I think you should ask your ghost what it wants."
"I think you should go back to sleep." Sasuke grumped back at me.
As I shifted further under the covers, I smiled. Ghost or not, Sasuke talking to someone about it was better than suffering through it alone. I was happy he came to me. Maybe it was because I was in the closest room when he finally snapped and wanted to talk, but that was okay. It was an opening, he gave me an opening, now I knew what questions to ask. I bet Obito would be much less worried, if he knew what was bothering Sasuke so much.
"Naruto?" Sasuke called, just my name already carrying a warning. "Not a word about it to anyone. Especially not to my brother."
Inwardly, I grumbled how he can't tell me what to do but, for once, I held my tongue. Sasuke didn't need the confirmation; he seemed to believe I would listen even without a promise. I fell asleep some time later, making a mental list of questions about his 'ghost'.
*
I had a good night of dreamless sleep, so I woke up rested. Sasuke, of course, was already gone. He left the chair in where he moved it, with a blanket crumpled on the seat. I couldn't remember him bringing one in, so he probably got it after I fell asleep. I hoped not being alone in the room helped him somehow.
Downstairs, Kakashi served me one of, until recently, vacuum wrapped croissants while Itachi watched the wall and Obito whispered something to his other nephew. Sasuke was listening with an annoyed expression and I wanted badly to spare him, because Obito could be really, really persistent. Kakashi kicked me under the table before I managed to think of something. I gave a loud yelp and glared.
Obito stopped whispering for a moment to check if I was okay. Sasuke used it to get up and escape, bringing his own croissant with him outside.
"You sure are in a good mood." Kakashi commented after a few minutes.
Mouth still full, I widened my eyes: "Me? What do you mean?"
I couldn't fool someone who knew me as well as Kakashi did. He gave me a really long look, one that would usually compel me into spitting out the truth. Instead of asking me again, since I managed not to say anything, he said: "Sasuke looks like he actually spent an hour or two sleeping last night."
Carefully, I swallowed another bite. "That's good, isn't it?"
"It would be better if we knew what helped."
Kakashi was speaking, but I raised my head to find Obito and Itachi watching me as well. Great, now they were ganging up on me.
"Not asking too many questions." I snapped, annoyed that I was being interrogated. Sasuke would have told them he spent the night in my room if he wanted to and, anyway, he told me not to talk about his ghost. I didn't think that would help him, but it also wouldn't be good if I opened my mouth.
Besides, not asking questions had worked better than asking a lot of them.
I ate the rest of my breakfast quickly, under Kakashi's scrutiny, and ran out of the kitchen. I wanted to take a long walk and think about what was going on, so I went out. There was a strong wind blowing outside, with little bits of rain in it. The sky was promising that the light drizzle was only the beginning, but I walked the familiar path down the hill anyway. It was either that or hide in my room the entire day.
By the time I got to the tree trunk over the river, the rain was much harder. The ground was still mostly dry in some places, under the thick treetops;; there was only so much water that could get through. I wasn't really surprised Sasuke was sitting there again.
The rain was falling freely over that part of the river. Sasuke was letting it fall on his head and on his face. His hair and clothes were wet already.
I walked over and sat next to him, but on the opposite side. He didn't move or acknowledge me in any way, but from this close, I could see him shaking. Was he cold? Or was this some mental break down? Either way, I wanted to put my hands around him badly.
"Did you tell them?" Sasuke asked, not opening his eyes.
"Of course not." I answered indignantly.
He opened his eyes and looked at me through wet eyelashes, sad and amused all at once. "You were supposed to tell them, you idiot."
I gaped. "You told me not to! How was I supposed to do it if you told me not to? What kind of logic is that?"
Sasuke didn't answer for a moment, he was just looking at me. His eyes were still red, face pale but not as much as they were on what, recently, was a normal day. But that it didn't make his staring any less intense.
"I'm crazy now. I can use whatever logic I want."
His voice was soft, softer then I ever heard it before. I knew we were talking about serious things here – Sasuke wasn't well – but I couldn't help but wonder if he would speak so softly to me in bed. Or would everything have to be violent and harsh between us, like it was before?
"You told me not to tell them." I repeated.
Sasuke's mouth quirked and he gave me what could be only described as a tired smirk. "Since when did you start to do what I tell you?"
I think he leaned toward me. We couldn't have ended so close otherwise. I didn't see when that happened. His arm was brushing mine, warm underneath the wetness of his sleeve
"Ah, I see." I said when I processed his words. "You were using me. If I told them, you wouldn't have to deal with looks on their faces when they find out."
"Yes." Sasuke admitted without a pause.
I felt a little insulted. "Well, sorry. You will have to do it on your own."
It wasn't my imagination. For a short moment, his entire body leaned on mine, like he needed comfort, or something. Would accepting the gesture be exploiting his weakness? I couldn't tell for sure at that moment, so I curled my fingers to keep myself from leaning back into him, but he stood up quickly anyway.
"Looks like it. Are you coming to watch the show?"
It surprised me. "Now?"
Sasuke was already walking away, but he threw over his shoulder. "Now."
I got up myself and followed. Yeah, it was the show I didn't want to miss, even if I wasn't expecting to have any fun watching. Much like the last time Sasuke and I were going back to the house on the same path, we walked next to one another, only this time much faster. I had to hurry to keep up with his unwavering pace, which wasn't easy with mud sucking my shoes and rain pelting harder and harder by the minute.
