Still reflecting....
I have never been to a funeral before (thank you), this is just what I read from a website.
*********** Have You Ever Cried So Much, That It hurts - Teenage Bella ***********
I watched Alice, leave her house next door, dressed in a little black dress and a large winter coat, from my window in my room. I had taken to sitting here, over the past week, Emmett had decided that we should put the house up to be rented out, as he lived at university a lot of the time, he had another year to go and then he would figure out what to do with it.
I was moving next door, Esme and Carlisle offered to look after me. I was looking forward to it, the house had been lonely, with just me and Emmett. But I was also scared, I didn't want the house to be ruined, lose its character, lose all the smells we had. But the house couldn't stay abandoned.
Emmett was getting a room too, but he is usually at university, so he would only be around at weekends. Although, he mentioned that he might move back. We lived in the same street except our house had three bedrooms, including a box room. But, somehow next door, Alice had five bedrooms, I think Esme did some alterations, when I was young, but who knew.
It was a cold November afternoon, but that would never usually make her cover up. She rummaged around in her small clutch, probably trying to find some lipstick. She walked along the path and then stopped at our drive, and looked up at the house and then to my window.
She waved cheerily up at me, trying to make me feel a little happier about today, which only made me want to cry even more. She waited another minute, until Edward walked by her side, putting his arm round her shoulder and they walked up to the house together.
I wiped a tear away and chucked some more clothes into a box from where I was sat. I was just moving next door, but we had a lot of things to pack up.
"Bella, we have to go soon and your not even dressed." Alice said from the door.
"Alice, I can't." I sighed, flopping onto the bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for another round of tears.
I think everyone had now, realised that whatever they said to me, I was going to cry.
I woke up, the 'next' day to find Edward had been swapped to Emmett. He looked beyond rough, even in 12 hours.
He opened his eyes and tried to smile, but that soon turned into us both crying. In the end, Alice and Edward found us together, after neither of us showed up to got to college or university. In the end, we ended up at some roadside cafe, eating greasy chips.
"what the hell, do I wear? I'm not meant to be going to my parents funeral at seventeen. I'm too young, and everything looks crap... and old.... and mum should be here to tell me what to wear, because I don't know."
I shook with the tears again covering my face with my hands and rolling over on the bed. All the relatives, coming over to go to the funeral, set me of at least twice, seeing my grandparent cry... hurt me. They thought the same as me, my parents should still be here.
"Emmett, Edward, help here please." Alice shouted down the stairs, alice wasn't the best at comforting me. She always felt guilty, that it was her fault and then ended up crying herself.
"What's up Alice," as if Edward had to ask. She must have just pointed at me, as she started to order Emmett about, trying to get me to pack more stuff. Edward pulled me into another warm hug on my bed.
We were meant to be out in the next two days, so that the new family could move in. Alice assigned herself, to planning on how we were moving over. Esme hadn't really been over that much, she was close with my mum, so I guess that whenever she cam over now, she expected my mum to be in the kitchen.
But she never was, not even for me.
Over the past week, me and Edward had got closer. Not in a boy meets girl, kind of way... unfortunately. He was gorgeous, there was no doubt about it, but he was Alice's big brother, Emmett's best friend and with bitch-face, Tanya (well, they were last week, but I'm sure she said she wanted a break, when she found out he was always with me). He's probably seen me naked, when I was younger, splashing in a paddling pool. Which would be a major turn-off and now, I am crying my eyes out, both of us laid out on my bed. In a non-sexual hug, the shame.
Edward was the only one I had told about the letter I had got this yesterday. I applied really early for a Dance and Music Degree in London, thinking I would never get a chance. But, yesterday I got a letter asking if I would be willing to travel down for an interview and scholarship audition. They only give out 2 or 3 dance scholarships a year, and my personal statement and my grades had impressed them. I had my clumsy moments in real life, but when I was dancing, singing with music, it was another world, a different Bella. People didn't believe I could be so clumsy, but dance.
"Come on Bella, just two more days." He whispered at me, his breathe made me open my eyes .. extra minty and he smelled close. He was close, 3 inches away from me. "Then you can cry all you want, just get through the funeral, then moving over to our house. The we can sit and cry. Group cry?"
"No, Edward. No group cry, not now. We need to get Bella ready." Alice snapped at him and then forcing herself between our bodies.
"Right Edward, suit on." She snapped her fingers in his face, and he moved off the bed, "Dad, just brought it over, go change. Bella, I got an outfit out for you, lets get you dressed, I will fix your make-up and make it through this day. Then we will get things sorted out here, then we can do Edward's weird Group cry thing, I swear I am not related to him."
She hopped back of the bed, and pulled me up by the hands, and motioned to the outfit on hung up on my wardrobe door.
I moved over and took it down.
"Thank you, Alice. I'm sorry I'm being such a bitch."
I moved over to my mp3 player sitting in the docking station, flicking it on.
Heaven's gates won't open
up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is
you
..blasted out of the speakers.
"Hell, Bella. This music is depressing."
"yeah well, I am depressed. Its sounds so silent around here, what else am I supposed to listen too."
I dressed as Alice tried to figure, what I should do with my hair and make-up. Finally, settling with something simple.
/////////////////////////////////
Emmett
"How is Bella doing?" Someone asked for what was the hundredth time, no-one was really that bothered about me in the family. It was all Bella, I felt like standing on a chair and shouting.
"Erm, not too well. We are hoping that, when we move she might settle down. But whatever we say she just starts crying. Esme, finds it hard to be around here at the moment, because she feels like she's going to cry and Alice hasn't got a clue what to do." I replied with the long answer, the shorter one was, 'bad' and then I would walk away.
"Well, if you need any help, with anything Emmett. Just ask."
Sure, that's what they all said, but if I asked them would they really do it. They only say it so I feel better, so I know that I can speak to them. But, would they really help out?
Alice and Edward floated through the door. Somehow, Edward managed to squeeze in with only jeans and a t-shirt, so maybe Alice told him to prepare for some tears. Alice hugged me quickly and asked how where things.
"She hasn't been down, since our grandparents came."
"I'll go see her."
"Thanks, Alice."
"No problem," and she set off up the stairs, greeting family members she knew.
God sisters, you either love or you hate them. Why did I end up with the emotional one?
Edward stayed by my side, "How are you doing mate?" He asked putting his arm round me and pulling me on to the sofa. I hadn't sat down at all today.
"You know your the first person, to ask how I am. I'm shit, dude. I'm trying to keep happy, but every thought just makes me sad."
"How's Bella, this afternoon then?"
He cared for my sister to no end, like she was his sister too. But sometimes, I though he cared way too much. Like in a relationship type way, don't get me wrong, Edward would be great for her, he's kind and patient. But, right now. I think she needs, someone her own age. Someone that will be there for her when, he goes away.
He hasn't told anyone yet, but he has a trial for Chelsea Football Club and his coach thinks he's got a fairly good chance. But Chelsea means London, which means that he will be over four hundred miles from here and me probably.
"Emmett, Edward, help here please." Alice shouted down the stairs, all the adults in the room, looked at me. As if they were saying, 'that bad.'
"Edward, its like taking fucking baby steps, she has a good moment, when she can get through a conversation and then another were she bursts out crying, and the persona she talks to hasn't said anything." I answered walking up the stairs.
Edward entered first, "What's up Alice?" I knew the answer without looking in the room.
Bella was having a moment again.
Alice didn't now what to do, because she starts to cry as Renee was a mum to all of us like Esme is. I just can't hold myself, because I get angry because they are gone and left me with everything. Carlisle is holding the fort downstairs, mingling and making sure everything is good, Esme is trying to pull herself together for the funeral and getting rooms ready for us.
So, that kind of only left Edward.
Alice pointed to Bella, who was laid face down on her bed, and then went back to pulling draws open looking for clothes.
Edward laid next to her, rolled her over to face him and wiped some tears away. Then started talking quietly to her, while Alice threw some boxes at me, to move into my parents room, where all the packed boxes where being kept. For a short-arse, she was bossy.
Edward came out again, when I started to pack some of my own stuff up.
"Hey, can I just get dressed here, quickly."
"Yeah, sure."
Then the music started up, Nickleback had been on so much lately. I mean, yeah the songs are catchy and have good base. But, some she just listened to over and over again.
These
city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the
eighteenth story
And all I scream for you
Come please I'm
callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
"Is she good now?" I finally decided to ask, over my shoulder.
"I don't know em, maybe after all this she might...adjust. She got a letter you know this yesterday?"
"Did she, she hasn't told me. What for?"
"Kingston University."
"Which is?"
"In London. I think you'll have to talk to Bella about it."
"What fucking Bella now, is there anyone going to be left up here next year?"
"Em, talk to your sister," He moved to pass through the door, I stopped him, "After the funeral."
////////////////////////////////////////////
Bella
"Bella, we have to go. Everyone's waiting for us." Edward said from the doorway, I was the only one left in the house, back in my window, watching the world go by. Thinking about things. I was going to have to tell Em about the letter and things, he was going to be mad, I knew it already. He was already screwed up about something, but wouldn't tell.
"Sure," I pulled myself back off the window seat, picking up my clutch bag and coat of the bed. "Ems, going to be mad isn't he?" I asked as I walked over to the door, Edward put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me towards the stairs. "About the letter and Kingston."
"I think he has a lot to think about, things are changing so fast."
The ride was silent to the church, in fact no-one spoke for a good hour or two. I followed the coffin to the church, loads of people had turned up. People where even stood outside, watching us all walk in.
'I am the resurrection and the life,' says the Lord. 'Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.'
We followed into the church and sat on the cool pews. My new family fit onto one pew leaving the others for the 'old family', Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Edward, me and Emmett. Edward was practically holding me up.
Carlisle stood up after the vicar said a bit, and cleared his throat.
"To a Mother, a Father; a brother, a sister; a son, a daughter; a neighbour and to best friends. You will be dearly missed by all those who are a witness to today and anyone you have ever be in contact with, I'm sure they are having a moment for you or are here in spirit."
He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, and looked down at all five of us, trying to steady his thoughts and emotions.
"I first met Charlie and Renee, twenty-two years ago, when we moved next door. They first to come visit us, make us welcome, ask us around for dinner and help us out when ever we needed it. We were there at each of are children's births and then too each and everyone of the numerous birthday parties, we had to endure....."
That started me off, and then Esme and Alice. God, I'm such an emotional div. I didn't really hear that much, after that I was so focused in trying to stop crying.
"...again, you will be missed, by your friends, family, son and daughter. Emmett, Bella..."
That caught my attention, did it mean I had to look up. I strained my head up and looked through my blurring, stinging vision.
"...your parents will be proud of you what ever, you decide to do in the end. They were proud of you on you, when you left secondary school and onto college, starting a new part of your life. They were proud of you Emmett, when you chose to go to university and they will be of your choice, to stay and carry on with rugby professionally. Bella, whatever you choose to do next year, whether you stay at college, find a job or go on to university too."
"Just as we are proud of our family, we will support you in every way possible, we will stand by you when you need us, and treat you as our own, as Charlie and Renee would have done for us. You two have been an inspiration, to have coped so well, over the past week. Even if you don't think you are. "
I tried to swallow back the tears, and smile up at him.
"Thank you." I whispered, not knowing if anyone would actually here me. Emmett squeezed my hand.
While I started to cry even more, the arm which was permanently around me now, pulled me closer and pulled me off the seat when we had to go out into the graveyard. Emmett, me, Edward and Alice, walked out together holding each other up, not splitting up for anyone in our way, they moved for us, which was quite warming.
Carlisle and Esme followed close behind together, arm in arm. I think it was still hard for Esme, even now seeing her. She hadn't really spoken much to me since the night, and hadn't said anything today. It was Emmett, Edward and Carlisle, who spoke to me about moving.
We stood around the graveyard, Emmett still on my left and Edward on the right, until he left and was quickly replaced with a warm, soft, comforting (not like Edward's was nothing like this) hand. I looked up, to my right to see Esme looking down at me trying to force a sad smile on her face, but I could see it was hurting her the smile, some how.
I let go of Emmett's hand, who now had his other arm around Edward, while Carlisle was stood next to Alice and I wrapped my arms around Esme, and buried my face into her side.
It was our own little family, no-one wanted to butt into us, disturb us. I didn't think it was rude, it was their way of supporting us, in a way. They saw that we were all hurting and trying to pull each other up, out of the shit.
I actually was about to cry, when I was writing Carlisle's speech and the funeral part. It made me think of the ones I never got to see or know about. God, I'm a loser.
