Tales from the Med Bay - Ratchet

Disclaimer:

The Transformer universe is owned by Hasbro. I don't own them, just borrow them to use and abuse, pat their heads and send them home. I make no money from this story. (I wish!!!) I do own a crowd of party Dragons who would enjoy eating and drinking you out of house, home and castle!!!!

Personal Disclaimer:

Dragon would like to point out that she doesn't condone the use of violence, torture or coercing in any way, shape or form in real life. But these stories are straight out of her warped imagination and she is happy enough to write about it!!

Well, it is med bay – He's got to be in there somewhere!! This is not a slash fic, well if you squint and use your imagination. Oh!! Yes!! Still can't do accents. It's Irish!!

It had been an interesting day, Ratchet mused as he updated his medical log. No Decepticon activity but 'odd' accidents.

Like Red Alert, somehow, trapping his hand in the doors of the Security Office. Jack said the sensors were slightly out of sync. This had not stopped Red insisting that it was a conspiracy and he was going to arrest someone. He only quietened when Inferno gently pointed out that not even he could arrest the Ark!!

First Aid had run out muttering something about an emergence with Blades and a trash can. He had been tight lipped about it when he returned.

He absentmindedly rubbed his chevron and nearly jumped out of his plating as a voice spoke.

"Ya know, ya work too hard!!"

The visitor sat on the chair, boots crossed at the ankles and ………………………. On HIS desk!!! Ratchet bit back on the volatile expletives that rose in his vocaliser. He knew what could happen if you crossed a Unicorn.

The humanized Unicorn smiled a dazzling, disarming smile at the medic. He knew that putting his boots on the desk would be provocative; he'd only done it to see if he could irritate the medic. He laughed, removing his feet and leaning forwards to rest his arms on the desk.

Cerulean optics locked with emerald green eyes.

"Can I help you Connor? Or have you decided to torment Sideswipe a little more?" Ratchet asked.

The smile grew as Connor began to laugh. His hair, the colour of pampas grass and finer than silk, swirled around his head.

"Ha Ha Ha!! He's lucky!! Dragon talked me out of using tapioca!!"

"Did she??" Ratchet made a mental note to 'speak' to the English woman. "Do you have any idea how long it took me to clean his systems out?"

"Well, me first idea WAS molten lava, but she talked me out of that as well!! Can be quite persuasive when she puts her mind to it, can my Dragon."

Ratchet raised an optic ridge. "Your Dragon?? Sunny might disagree."

"Phiff!!" He waved an elegant hand dismissively. "She's playing with him. She belongs to me." An odd look passed over his face. "Ha!! We'll keep that little titbit between the two of us?"

"Hummmm!" It was Ratchet's turn to smirk. "So, what did you want?"

"Came to see if Jack was about, but he's asleep. Paddy's off doing Onelight knows what! Went to see Dragon and she uttered the words guaranteed to make the strongest warrior head for the hills screaming in terror!"

Ratchet waited expectantly. Connor grinned and cleared his throat, speaking in Dragon's voice.

"Oh!! Hi Connor. Tess and I are going shopping. Want to come??? AH!! I'd rather have me mane and tail platted by goblins and me hoofs painted pink!!"

Ratchet chuckled. "Sorry, Jack's still recovering. He had fun with something volatile yesterday."

The doors to med bay 'whooshed' open. Ratchet leaned to one side to see who it was.

"Ratchet!! You in here?"

"In the office Ironhide."

Ironhide stopped short in the doorway when he saw Ratchet's visitor. He'd never actual met the Unicorn on any of his visits, but he knew who he was. His face broke into a wide grin and he chuckled.

"Seeing Sideswipe get his comeuppance made my year!! Ha Ha!! No, make that my century." He said.

"What's the problem 'Hide?" Ratchet asked around the laughter.

"Shoulder's grating again." Ironhide pulled another chair up to Ratchet's side of the desk.

"I'll get you some lubricant." Ratchet began to rise. Connor watched intently.

"And here I've got the finest lubricant known across the realities." He said, a bottle of amber liquid appearing in his hand like magic. (Well, it WAS magic actually!!)

"Sorry Connor." Ratchet said gently. "We can't process alcohol."

"Sure you can!!" Connor reached across the desk and grabbed their hands.

Ratchet powered down his optics as the office spun. He opened his eyes………………. Wheeljack had tried to explain the difference between a Cybertronian body and a human body, but the explanation fell far short of the reality.

"Haaaa!! Frag it to the Pit and back!!" Ironhide exclaimed in something like horror and fascination.

Connor sat back with a satisfied look on his face. The night might not be such a washout after all.

Ironhide's human body was powerfully built, dressed in black boots and trousers, red t-shirt with his Autobot emblem on the front. Short red hair framed a strong, mature face.

Ratchet's was slighter, dressed in black boots, white trousers and a tunic top with a red belt. The red + on his shoulders were now more an X shape. His Autobot emblem was the buckle of his belt. His hair was close cropped and silver grey with black streaks emulating his chevron.

"Ha Ha!! You look like you should be at an England footy match with those on your shoulders!!" Connor laughed.

Ratchet glared. Dragon had called him St George on more than one occasion.

Three cut crystal glasses appeared on the desk. Connor poured a generous amount of the amber liquid into them.

"Now!! Seeing as the two of ya's are novices. Sip it slowly!!"

Ratchet had his hands on his chest, feeling it rise and fall, he raised one hand to his neck and felt delicately with his fingers, the other hand rising to run through the short hair.

"I've got a pulse!!" He exclaimed happily.

"Bloody hope so!! Drink!!" Connor urged.

Ironhide closed his hand around one of the glasses, marvelling at the feel of the crystal. He raised the glass and sniffed at the liquid, taking a cautious sip. He licked his lips and took another longer sip.

"Smooth as ol' MacAdams finest back at the Oilpit in Iacon!!" He breathed, almost in reverence.

Ratchet did a double take and quickly grabbed the last remaining glass. His eyes widened in surprise as he tasted the liquid.

"You're right!!" He grinned. "Figure it will have the same effect??""

Ironhide slapped the desk with his free hand. "One!! Two!! Three!!" They both emptied their glasses with one gulp. Connor was torn between horror at a good malt bring treated like that and admiration for their guts!!

After much gasping and coughing, finding that their new eyes could make copious amounts of fluid and when they could speak again. Ironhide pushed his glass across the desk.

"Fill it up sparkling!! That's slaggin good stuff!!"

Ratchet's glass followed at light speed. For a moment, Connor was outraged!! But he considered, they did reckon their age by the millennium.

Later.

Much later!!!

Sideswipe was bored. He sat alone in the Security Office and was royally bored out of his CPU!!! The Decepticon's were most likely all tucked up on their own bunks, dreaming evil dreams. Or on each other's bunks having fun!!! He should have brought his game boy.

The door opened. Sideswipe turned in his seat. His jaw dropped at the sight of the two humans who swayed in the doorway, holding onto each other for support. The humans looked familiar??

Ratch? Hide?" He queried. The Energon in his holding tanks turned. Then another body slid around the doorframe, leaning on it for support.

The effort was valiant but futile. Sideswipe had taken two steps when his feet left the ground. "AHHHHHH!! SCRAP!!!!" He screamed.

Talented fingers dug into the sensor bundle in his back. Tweaking and realigning it. Warmth spread through out his back. The hands moved up to the back of his neck, massaging, making him feel soooooo good. Feminine voice, spoken with lips just above the skin.

"Feel better?"

"Hummmmmmm!! Tess!!"

The communication system screamed like a spark in torment. It was followed by a voice slur singing!

"I'lllllllllllllllll Takkkkkkkeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuu homeeeeeeeeeee againnnnnnnnnnnnnn Kathleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnn!!! Wassss next??"

Optimus Prime bolted on line, battle protocols engaged and fumbling for his rifle. He rolled…………… and fell off his bunk onto his aft. He 'blinked' ripped from his dream and thrown into a nightmare.

"Ha Ha!! Right!! Acrossssssssssssssssssss the oceannnnnnnn wideeee and wildddddddddddrider!! Wildrider?? Where the frag did that littl' slagger come from???????"

Optimus jumped to his feet and ran towards Command.

"Prowl?" He radioed.

"Security Office Optimus." Came the answer.

There were several mechs outside the Security office when Optimus arrived, including the recuperating Wheeljack, who had the door control panel off the wall. His head fins glowed lilac in frustration.

"There's nothing wrong with the wiring. The doors just won't open!!"

"Secondary security office." Prowl said, leading the way.

"Who's on security detail?" Optimus asked.

"Sideswipe!! "If this is his idea of a joke!!" Red was almost incandescing at the thought of anything happening to his beloved office. They entered just as Blaster managed to clear the video feed from the other office. The sight silenced them all.

Ironhide, it could only be Ironhide who was the singer!! And he was human!! He was sat on Red's chair, feet up on the desk singing…………… Badly. He had a bottle in one hand that he took frequent drinks from. He whirled around in the chair, bringing his other hand up, it held a weapon, and he fired at.

Sideswipe!!

Sideswipe hung upside down. Tied with something that sparkled. He was gagged and wriggling madly. His body was covered in sucker arrows. This was what Ironhide had fired at him.

Just beyond the strung up melee warrior. Connor and ……. Ratchet?? Stood together. Connor appeared to be trying to teach the inebriated medic some kind of dance step. Ratchet tried and failed.

He tripped and was caught by the Unicorn. Ratchet was laughing as he buried his head on Connor's shoulder, as he raised his face; Connor touched their foreheads together and whispered in his ear. Ratchet's look turned confused.

"Next verse!! Same and worse!!! I'lllllllllllllllllllllll Takkkkk……………."

"I've killed the sound link Optimus." Blaster said.

"Thank Primus for that!!" Jazz exclaimed. This was echoed by others.

"Stupid fragger!!" All optics turned to Sunstreaker. He stood; arms crossed watching his twin squirm. He caught the look Optimus gave him.

"He was warned. I told him. Dragon told him, frag, even Tess told him not too, but he just had to prank the Unicorn!! Don't worry. Dragon made Connor promise that anything he did back would be none lethal. Didn't say it wouldn't be humiliating though!! Make sure you get a recording, I want a copy!! Dragon will love this."

"Me too!!" Said Wheeljack. "Ratch will spit bolts when he sees what he's doing."

"Errrr!!" Exclaimed Bluestreak, squinting at the monitor. "What ARE they doing?"

Jazz cocked his head onto one side.

"Could be the can-can!! Or 'He's off his aft-aft!!'"

On the screen, Ratchet tried a turn to his dance steps, staggered and ended up sitting on Ironhide's knee. He grabbed the bottle and took a long draft. Laughing, Ironhide offered him the weapon.

'THUD!!'

"One Hundred and Eighty!!" Connor squealed with laughter, as the arrow hit Sideswipe between the optics. "Now me bucco's, who's for a little paint ball??"