A/N: Well, this chapter is dedicated to Sanity destroyer and particularly Obsidian Crystal. Your review got me to write the chapter. :)
Disclaimer: How many times do I need to say it? No, I don't own Deltora Quest, though I'd be glad if I did.
Fear And Doubts
Lief staggered down the stairs towards the kitchen, his eyes heavy from lack of sleep and exhaustion clouding his thoughts, making it a wonder that he had actually gotten out of bed so early in the morning. Since the vision he had had the previous night, Lief had not been able to sleep, and instead spent the entire night trying to think of a way around what was going to happen. But in his heart Lief knew that there was none, and great sadness nearly overwhelmed him.
What will they do without me? Marilen is pregnant, and can hardly walk down the stairs, let alone rule a country. And what of mother? I am her son, and the only remaining member of her close family, Lief thought. And Barda is so used to discussing the land with me, and Doom is like a second father. Ranesh has had a hard life, he needs to be happy and carefree, not have the responsibility of being the king, having to rule alongside the queen. And Jasmine… At the thought of his best friend and the woman he loved, though he had not told her, Lief's throat tightened. What will Jasmine do without me? I am the one she tells nearly everything, and we always spend so much time together. I cannot live without her, but what if she feels the same way? She has to get married and have a real family, as she always should have. What will she do without me?
Lief reached the kitchen, thoughts swirling around in his head, and opened the door carefully. No one was inside, so he stepped in and sat at the table, his head in his hands. He was not ready to talk to anybody yet. They will survive without me, he thought, trying to stop the panic and fear rising. Of course they will. Perhaps it would be easier on them if I pushed them away, made them think I did not care and made them hate me… no, I cannot. I want them to know how much I love them if I am to die. They need to know.
The door to the kitchen opened again, snapping Lief out of his thoughts and making him jerk his head up in surprise. Standing in the doorway, looking at him in great concern was Jasmine.
"Lief, how are you feeling? You look terrible," Jasmine said, moving forward and taking a seat opposite him.
"How kind of you to mention," Lief croaked, trying to smile, though he knew that Jasmine would notice it was forced.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jasmine asked gently, surprising Lief. She was usually not so gentle with people. She is only ever so nice to me, Lief thought. Maybe she has feelings for me too… of course she does not. I was being ridiculous.
"What was ridiculous?" Jasmine said, looking confused.
"I did not mean to say that out loud. Really, I am fine Jasmine. Just wonderful. How was Kree this morning?" he replied, abruptly changing the topic.
"Lief, tell me!" Jasmine demanded, becoming impatient. "You need to talk about it."
"No, I cannot at the moment. Please Jasmine… just let it be," Lief pleaded, realising that he probably looked pathetic, with his hair hanging messily in front of his currently watery eyes, but not really caring.
"All right. But talk to me when you need to. Now go and get something to drink, you need to wake up a little," Jasmine told him. Noticing that Lief's eyes were drifting to where the alcohol was kept, Jasmine rolled her eyes and, grumbling, got to her feet and went to make Lief a cup of tea. To her surprise, Lief walked up behind her when she was at the bench, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her hair as he hugged her from behind.
"Thank you, Jasmine. You are a wonderful friend," Lief murmured.
Jasmine smiled, though worry seeped into her mind at Lief's behaviour. Something was obviously very wrong; she could feel it. And she could also feel that whatever it was would damage her.
---------------------------------------------------
Later on, Lief found himself standing in his bedroom, staring at his sword. How could this happen to me? He wondered, feeling like screaming, though remaining silent. What did I do to deserve this? I do not want to die.
Lief sheathed his sword again, and a tear that he had been trying to restrain fell down his cheek.
"I do not want to die," he whispered.
