A/N have you ever noticed that after you write drafts that you actually change whole thing when you write the "real" story, essay or whatever?

CHAPTER 2

~Heartfelt Addictions~

He wouldn't come tomorrow night he promised himself for what felt like the hundredth night in a row even though it was only the sixteenth as he changes into a blue dress shirt and khakis. He loved Bella to death, but he knew that her betrayal was what kept him going back to this bitter woman.

He didn't know what ate him up more; the fact that the betrayal of the girl he loved above all everything in this world had drove him to an extent of compromising his morals back towards his wild years, or the fact the girl he was in question he was having meaningless sex with was a shifter…

He hated the person he was turning into, even uglier then he was under those years he ran away from Carlisle killing people.

Why couldn't he just find what his family had found in their mates and be done with it? Most of all: why couldn't he just break it of with the human when the only thing that she was doing now days was breaking his heart? He was pathetic – he knew.

"When did you find out?" the Native American asked as she came out of the shower.

He knew what she meant, but still asked.

"About what?"

"Don't play dumb, leech! It doesn't suit you"

What else can I do?

~...~...~...~

"Don't Edward! I truest you – I know that you could never hurt me" she stated firmly as he pressed himself against the wall furthest from her.

And I used to truest you, but look how well that turned out…

"Don't overestimate my control, Bella", I'm not perfect, you don't know hard it is for me not t…"Please let just wait until our wedding night so that I will have time-"get rid off the mental images of you and that…"-prepare"

"Okay, Edward", she sighed trying hard to hide her irritation but not quit managing.

"Let's go downstairs – I'm sure Esme has prepared something for you" he opened the door dazzling her into agreeing not wanting to start another argument.

"Sure, sure" moments when she said things like that he was grateful for his vampire composure knowing full well the rage he felt inside would have made him destroy the entire door - if not the whole room.

'Calm down Edward' Jaspers thoughts told him. He was the only one he had told about the mongrel and his Bella. He knew that Jasper would never betray. The only one in this damned world that he trusted completely to a point he had told him about the she wolf. Jasper couldn't betray him simply because he had learned the hard way the value of truest and friendship.

"Is something wrong?" Bella worriedly asked when she noticed that he still stood by the door touching his arm lightly making him flinch away.

"I need to hunt – I have neglecting it all too long now" he hurriedly lied seeing the hurt look in her eyes adding a gentle smile reassuringly.

He hated the look she always gave him when he had to hunt even though it was as much for her sake as it was for his, but the mental images of her and the mutt that were flashing themselves behind his eyelids made it easier to ignore it. He didn't want to kill the mongrel - at least not tonight. He had vowed to not to even touch a hair on the flee bolls pretty head as long as she still wanted him around - even if it was slowly, but surely killing him like a virus constantly wondering when the day came when she would say that she had made a mistake and go to the dog for good.

'Do you need me to come with you?' Jasper thought as he passed the living room.

"No" he simply said in vampire speed and volume before speeding out the door not even bothering to shut it knowing that the mood he was in he would probably just break it anyways.

When he reached the spot he took up his phone and pressed on speed dial.

"I know what you said about being outside, but…"

"Where are you?" she interrupted.

"At our spot" as soon as those words fell out his mouth he realized how very wrong they sounded, but the she wolf had already hanged up before he could change them.

It felt like forever before she finally reached the clearing, but when she did he let the animal that he had held up bay up until now out ripping her clothes to pieces while actually fighting her. He needed release, desperately. He felt like a crazed vampire attacking her as though she was the one who was at fault for all his self hatred. He just wanted to get the images of them together that the fucking dog had deliberately showed him – both from when they actually did it and from his own filthy teenage fantasies.

He wrestled her down at the ground roughly holding her hands above her head as he pushed her legs apart with his knees and brutally forcing himself in the burning caves of her womanhood. Thrusting himself hard and carelessly - to far gone to actually care about the fact that he was practically raping her just needing to satisfy his own needs. When he finally came collapsing on top of her wanting to be able to cry, incautious enough to scream - anything just to get rid off the pain.

Why couldn't his loneliness just accept that he was not meant to find love and stop getting caught in these webs of tragedies?

First he had been too poor for the governors' youngest daughter, then too dirty for his sire to remain as his mate when somebody new came a long and then to late when it came to the only girl who never had and probably would never put him up on a pedestal. And now the girl he had placed all the pieces of his broken heart letting her piece them back together was constantly stabbing it.

Why did it have to hurt so much?

"Do you want to talk about it?" the she girl asked after a long while of silence breaking him from his trance.

"No", he answered knowing that she had only asked out of her own selfish need to know that somebody else was suffering as much as she did.

He held her tightly focusing this gaze at the star filled sky having no intention of apologizing to the were for his vulgar behavior earlier. He didn't need to make an already complicated situation more complicated by showing any other emotion towards the she wolf besides lust even though the guilt was nagging him.

"Next time we are having a fight warn me - that had happened to be one of my favorite shirts" she sneered after a while of silence.

She was lying, but he knew that it was her way of telling him that it was okay without really saying it.

He would come back tomorrow, and the following day and the day after that until the day of his wedding.

Why?

He needed her to keep him sane. With a relationship based on plain lust how could they ever betray one and other when before that there had been nothing there but hatred?

~...~...~...~

Two weeks had passed since his freak out and for each session of taking out their pent-up emotions it became easier for him to keep up his 'perfect' charade. He could pretend that a part of him didn't still love his sire, that he still couldn't completely get over the grudge he held against Esme and that he hadn't discovered that he had been utterly in love with Rosalie by the time Emmett come around and swiped her out of her feet. He could pretend that his suicide attempt had been only been about guilt and his love for Bella instead of also a last trail to see if Carlisle still cared. Most of all he could pretend that he wasn't still with Bella out of his terrifying fear of being alone again.

He loved her so unconditionally, but her betrayal had been the last straw of his fragile heart. If he hadn't found that bitter dog that night he would have without a doubt have gone and killed that mutt for taking what was his last chance of happiness before letting the pack kill him.

He wouldn't have regretted it – no he would have welcomed it with a genuine smile upon his lips. Death couldn't hurt him as much as his existence did.

"Why haven't I been able to see your future, Edward?" Alice demanded as they all went on the first 'camping trip' in months frustrated beyond reasoning.

He knew he couldn't have held off the pixie so much longer. He hated how meddlesome she was. Her power was practical in more ways then one, but she relied on it to much not respecting others need for some privacy.

"I don't know, Alice – can you still see Bella's'?" he knew how to play his cards to his favor.

"When she isn't with the dog, but being that she is almost always with him now days – rarely" she wasn't happy about this not knowing that she stabbing him for each word she uttered. "DON'T TELL ME YOU FOLLOW HER! DO YOU KNOW HOW RISKY THAT IS – THE MUTTS WOULD KILL YOU IF THEY FOUND YOU AT THEIR LAND!"

Unintentionally in her hysteria she was giving him the perfect cover.

"You don't know how hard it is knowing that she is always with another man, always thinking of him," that wasn't a lie neither was the pain in his voice, "and hearing her calling out his name in her sleep with the implication that he is hers"

Alice sighed heavily. Not knowing what to say – which was rare for her before throwing herself at him making them both fall in the wet grass for once forgetting about the fact that they were wearing brand clothes.

"It will all be alright Edward - you two are meant to be" Don't promise something you don't know for sure "Just promise to be careful - and don't do anything stupid"

"Promise" but I can't really do that on the stupid part seeing that I'm involved with the Alpha mutts ex…