NOTE: Aiight. I went and wrote some more. Much thanks to those of you that reviewed (they made me feel squeaky inside). I appreciate the constructive criticism. I'm not much of a writer, you see. I'll try to take your advice, but chances are I'll forget and be all, "HURR I'mma writin' a fanfiction!" again soon enough.
Also, consider this an official warning! I have a tendency to screw things up as I go, so if this starts to suck at any point, you're free to leave. Forget all you've seen here. Go frolic in a meadow or something.
Now, prepare yourself, 'cause this story is about to take off in a really stupid direction. FETCH THE DERP HELMETS.
O R A N G E . S U I T S
"Six months?" Dib yelped. His arms pinwheeled in their new bright orange jumpsuit. Suddenly it felt like the already close walls in the tiny gray room were moving in. "I can't go to juvie! Who'll investigate the family of Slug People that moved in down my street? Who'll protect my sister if they try to slime all over her organs? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? WHO?"
Zim slapped his hand over Dib's face, and shoved him off of the table. "For once, Zim agrees with the putrid Dib-larva. I'm far too preoccupied to attend this 'center of youthful de-ten-tion.' Zim has normal pig-wormy things to do back in his base-uh, house. Perhaps some other time- this was fun- don't call me, I'll call you; now how do I get out of this room?"
Slab slammed his fist down on the metal table, denting it irreparably. "There IS no way out!" Zim and Dib jerked back, horrified by the spittle torpedoing across the room. "This is the questioning room from which there is no escape! Once inside, no escape is possible! Escape cannot be had!" Zim looked thoughtful.
"So, what you're saying is… Zim can't get away."
Dib followed this up with the rise of a morbidly curious eyebrow. "But…there's a door right over there. It's only about two feet to my left. Look, I can touch it from here."
Dib touched the door.
"What's that? Oh. I guess there is,"
Slab scratched his chin. He stared at Dib and Zim. Dib and Zim stared back.
"But you can't leave! I'm afraid you boys have no choice in the matter. The effort we've had to exert just to sweep all the dookie off of the buildings is staggering. The magnitude of your misdeed is too great to let you off with a meager slap on the wrist!"
"But I didn't do anything! It was Zim who-"
"NO ONE CAN TOUCH ZIM'S WRISTS!"
"Stop talking!" Slab exploded. Figuratively. Not literally. That would've been terrific, but it didn't happen.
After that, Zim and Dib went very quiet. They sneered, glared bullets, teeth grinding as static bounced between their eyes. The hatred was palpable.
"Slab is going to make sure you two boys learn your lesson! Poop is no laughing matter! It's very serious!" He got all up in their faces. "Say it!"
"Say wh-"
"SAY IT!"
"Poop is no laughing matter."
"GOOD. Now. From the way you both spoke in perfect unison, I assume you are deeply connected on an intimate level-" The boys shared a mortified look "-which is why I'm going to let you remain cuffed together during the bus ride to the detention center. You will be held there for six months until your scheduled trial date, at which point further decisions will be made to determine your sentence! Do. You. Have. Any last w-ORDS?"
Dib's response was calm- "Yes. Just this:"
And then not calm. He screeched like a banshee on crystal meth. He screeched like GIR on crystal meth. He babbled. His face spasmed and spewed frothy spit around while his body jerked violently in its chair. Was it a seizure? Was the boy possessed? Should someone DO something?-!
Then it stopped. "That's all," he said.
Oh, alright then.
Zim stood up on his chair. "I refuse to remained tethered to this disgusting ball of Dib-filth-DIB! Release me!"
"I'm not g-"
"RELEASE ME!"
"I-"
"RELEASE ME!"
"NOO!"
Zim seemed to stop…
"Release me."
Slab snagged them both by the chain and hefted them over his shoulder. He walked outside where a military-esque bus was waiting in the parking lot. It had huge monster truck sized wheels and stainless steel, needlessly thick bars on all the windows. Dib recoiled. "Wait! Wait! I want to talk to my dad! He can get me out of this!"
"We already called him. He says he hopes his poor, criminally insane son is persuaded by the hardships of jail to finally start practicing Real Science." Slab tossed Zim and Dib into the bus like a pitcher throwing a fastball. A flaming fastball. In hell. "I will visit you shortly to make sure you're both experiencing the fullest extent of the misery that our government has to offer! DIIISMISSED!" The driver cracked the doors shut in his face.
The bus was quiet and gray like a prison cell, which made perfect sense. It was the kind of gray that one pictures when thinking of dead puppies and the end of the world, or perhaps days at grandma's house. A man in a similarly gray suit held a gun in one of the front seats. Despite the reflective glasses covering his eyes, it was impossible not to feel him watching. Just…watching. He tapped his weapon. Cautiously, they picked themselves off the aisle, and chose a seat. Zim slid in toward the window. When Dib tried to sit next to him, Zim kicked him off with both feet. Dib thumped hard to the floor and hacked up some blood from the impact which he was pretty sure punctured a lung. He sat there, grimacing, for the rest of the ride.
And it was a bumpy one- unpleasant, hot, and depressing. Dib had almost started falling asleep. Drool spotted his jumpsuit. Zim stared out the window and thought about things (piñatas) that made him happy. It was almost an hour before the city started thinning out and trees took place of buildings.
"Five minutes," The bus driver called. The guard tilted his head amusedly.
"Hm, oh-hoh-hoh. I hope you delinquents are looking forward to meeting your roommates. I hear Big Betsy is free."
"Betsy?" Dib cocked an eyebrow, blinking himself conscious. "I thought boys and girls were separated."
The smile he got wasn't very reassuring. "They are."
Okay, ritual suicide couldn't be that bad. Dib could do it, he thought. Oh, no, wait. No, he couldn't. No, first he'd have to kill Zim. Then he could die.
Let's see now. He could disembowel the alien using an old pen. He was pretty sure he could find one of those in juvie. Maybe a sharpened toothbrush. Do aliens even have bowels? Huh. Well, he could give Zim a thousand and one paper cuts and fill them all with salty lemon juice. Wait, with his luck, lemon juice could make the moron feel good. Who knew how aliens reacted to that sort of stuff. "Hey, Zim. What would you do if I said the word…lemons."
Zim gave him a weird look.
"Last stop."
"Alright, you two! Up!"
Zim's eyes narrowed. He took one look out the window, squinted, and then backpedaled like hell. "Oh, my Irken Conventia! What is this? What is this? That's no normal human building! Dib-smelly, answer Zim!"
"That's juvenile hall, Zim! Where do you think we've been going this whole time? Summer camp?"
Oh no. Oh no, no; this was bad. It looked more like one of the Irken internment camps he'd seen when he was a smeet than some disgusting human containment structure like he'd expected. That building was sinister. It was huge. The cement wall along the edge was lined entirely with electric barbed wire, as though it'd been growing on them like ivy. Armed guards stood at the top and mutant rabid gorillas were tethered up at the base, dripping glowing purple spit. A mine field stretched out the rest of the way, littered with rotting, broken up animal bits. Then, nothing but open woods- who knows how many miles thick.
"I can't escape from that place; it'd take too long!" Zim whispered to himself, edgy. "But the mission. The mission. I must not fail my Tallests! Must revert to plan….plan… plan Awesome Zim is Awesome."
"Plan? What are you going on about now, Zim? Something evil? You'll never get away with it!"
"I said, UP!" The guard struck Dib and Zim in the back of their heads one after the other. They grabbed their skulls and grumbled out of their seats. "Whadda yah thinkin'- that I'm stupid? Doh. Duuh. 'Cause I'm not! I can tell when someone's stalling fer time!"
Dib headed down the aisle first, his stomach dropping and twisting like some sort of sick carnival ride. He didn't want to go to jail. He didn't want to room with Big Betsy. And he certainly didn't want to room with Zim. He started to hyperventilate, his wrist up rigidly behind him where the handcuffs attached him to his mortal enemy. Zim, on the other end of the chain, was twitching like he had epilepsy.
They stepped off the bus. The guard was standing at their backs with the gun held between them. Zim's whole body flinched, and he turned around. "Uh, hey!" He stammered, "What's that, UGH, hideous thing behind you!"
"What? What?" The guard turned to follow Zim's finger.
Dib narrowed his eyes. "What are you doing, space boy?"
Zim ignored him. "Huh? Oh, it must have been nothing. Thought I saw one of those celebrities you humans love. Say, can I borrow your gun?"
"Yeah, sure, I don't see why- HEY, wait a minute! No! I'm not supposed to let the inmates hold it!"
"I see. That's too bad," Zim looked disappointed.
Until he whipped the gun out from behind his back like a badass in a mafia movie.
"Because I already took it!"
"Oh, my God." Dib staggered back. He'd seen Zim snatch the gun. He'd known one hundred percent what was going to happen next, and yet he was still shocked that Zim could be so stupid.
The guard looked down at his hands and gasped. The boy was right! It was gone! "Uu-Oh no! Oh cheesy fried no!" He stared frightfully down at Zim, who poked the barrel into the man's gut. Once. Twice. Jab, jab. The guard burst into screams that could put a girl scout to shame, that could bleed eardrums. His whole body trembled. "Please! I have a dog at home! And a TV! Don't make me leave the TV!"
"Silence!"
An alarm started blaring in the background as the detention center was alerted by the screams. Zim grunted angrily. He pressed the gun to the man harder. Zim grabbed the end, spun it around, and knocked him out with the thick end of the handle. Unconscious, the guard landed with his face buried in the dirt and his butt up in the air like a female panda presenting her goods.
"Zim, this is stupid! This is stupid stupid! You've got to stop and give yourself in before you get me into even bigger trouble than you already have! Think of my innocence, Zim! MY INNOCENCE! I don't want it lost to some guy named Betsy!"
"Shut your voice box, noise-boy! Zim is busting out of here! Now be a good sacrifice and distract the other guard drones! Bye-bye!"
Zim shoved Dib hard, slamming him into the dirt beside the guard. Then he started to run. By the wrist, Dib was dragged over rocks and mud at Zim's heels. He choked on earth. He tried to spit, but was failing miserably. A worm lodged itself in his ear. "'IM! 'IMN! Shtopppt-!" With a lot of effort, and one kick to the face later, Dib managed to tumble to his feet, and run (stumble) at the aliens heels. He spewed dirt and spit like nobody's business. "You idiot! Did you forget you and I were tied together?-!"
Zim looked back and balked. "Yes! No! I mean, Zim never forgets! He merely… forgot!"
…Wut?
"What!-?"
"Faster, DIB! I will not have you ruin my escape because of your pathetic human speed!"
Well! Dib did run faster. If only to prove that humans weren't as slow as Zim thought they were (and because of Big Betsy), but he was still furious! Oh, how furious was he. "This is only going to make everything worse!"
They heard a faint voice yell at their backs. "Get 'em, Drud! Kloopy, Hed, Dirp! Tear those hoodlums to shreds!"
Dib yelped and sped up until Zim was being dragged -literally airborne- behind him. "No! Not the gorillas! Not the GORILLAAAAAS!"
Panic. At this point, Zim and Dib had reached the woods and were zigzagging through the trees as fast as any two living being could, trying to disappear into the gloom. Unfortunately, it was at this same time that the security guards released their attack gorillas. And they were fast. Fast gorillas. Zim made a worried sound and activated his PAK legs.
Dib was hefted up off his feet, dangling a foot off the ground with bulging eyes. He curled his body up so he wouldn't be punctured by a metal limb. Still, even through the terror and rage, Dib had to admit, they were making good time. The angry gorilla sounds were getting further away, but the fact that they were still in hearing range at all meant they were too close for comfort.
"AH-!" Zim gasped. His body lurched forward over water, but he directed his legs to shore, which quickly yanked him back. Dib went flying, smacking full-body into a tree.
They'd hit a river.
"Ugh," Dib groaned. His everything hurt. "Now what are you gonna do, you lizard? Let's just go back and say you got scared and ran off or something. They'd believe that! We'd just tell them you're a horrified squealy girl, lost what little wits you had, and started running. Oh, but how does that explain taking the gun?" As Dib tried to work out the formula to himself, Zim's PAK legs started moving again. He ran along the bank, tense and hurried. His head jolted from left to right, trying to find something, something, when he finally spotted- Dib's' eyes snapped open. "Oh, no, Zim. Just no! We'd never get away in that! Don't even-! Don't you try it- Don't! You're doing it anyway."
"Quiet, human! Zim is being brilliant!"
Zim retracted the legs. Dib landed gracelessly in the dirt. "Zim is being a brainless suicidal alien menace and I'm strapped to his wrist!"
"This is a magical time for you, yes."
Zim said this, but he was cringing like nothing else. Water. Filthy, disgusting, painful, horrible Earth water! He wasn't feeling very enthusiastic about leaving himself stranded in the middle of it. His eyes scanned the woods and his hidden antennae twitched, trying to pinpoint the location of the monkey-beasts. They were getting closer. Too quickly for his comfort. There were trees and bushes and weeds and thickets blocking everything- no way he could keep running on his PAK legs. He wouldn't make it.
But Irk if he was about to let himself get captured! This was the only choice.
Zim flipped over a filthy old little rowboat. It was a dinghy, covered from top to bottom in peeling white paint and tiny spots of mold. The inside was less soiled than the outside, but crawling with nasty insects. He and Dib shared expressions of disgust as Zim flipped it one more time and beat twice on the bottom. Most of the bugs fell out. There wasn't time to squish the others. He pushed the boat into the water.
With one PAK leg, he nabbed the edge of the boat before it could get away and silently mourned the lost sanitation of his beautiful gloves, as he bent over to dig the oars out of the dirt. He grimaced at the sight of the first one. It was rotted and worthless, crumbling in his hands. The other was in better shape. He threw it in the boat and hopped in behind. Dib essentially fell in beside him.
"Maybe when we're caught, I can tell them you kidnapped me," Dib said to himself more than to Zim. "And they'll do tests on you to figure out why you're so evil. Then they'll find out you're an alien."
"Nonsense, Dib-larva! Even a freshly activated Earth newborn would know Zim would never willingly kidnap you when he could so easily take someone more worthy," said Zim.
Dib pulled a face. Zim didn't notice as he kicked them away from shore. The current picked them up from there. They started to drift.
Back on land, the gorillas burst through the trees. One couldn't break the momentum and splashed into the water. The rest managed to stop, hanging off of branches and sneering something ugly at Zim and Dib as their prey floated away, out of their reach. Finally. Safe.
Zim blew a raspberry. "HAH! Take that, filthy Earth beasts! Just try to get Zim now! Hahahahahaha!"
Oh, that was a bad decision.
The gorillas jumped into the water.
Zim deadpanned. "Uh. Hm."
Dib started screaming hysterically, grabbing the oar and plunging it into the water again and again at warp speed.
"Row, Dib-thing, ROW! Row for our LIIIIVES!"
So he did.
