I'll have you know, there's a line taken from Othello.
(Only part) Then must you speak of one that loved not wisely, but too well.
WARNING: Sadstuck
ENJOY: If you can
DISCLAIMMER: I DO NOT OWN HOMESTUCK NOR THE SONG.
Where are you now, what are you doing?
Are you in this endless sky?
You're gaze was on the sky. It stretched out in all it's blue glory, going places you never even dreamed of going. Following the sky's slight curve toward the horizon you wonder about him, the boy you loved not wisely, but too well. You always thought of him; Since the day you first saw him to the day he decided he couldn't be happy if he was with you.
You were pretty good at seizing the thoughts, you withheld them for almost 40 months. You have to admit though, a thought of him was always creeping it's way inside.
Today though, you were tired. You left the apartment you always dreamed of sharing with him and found yourself in a park about a mile from your home. You sat stiff on the bench and watched the birds fly gracefully through the cloudless blue sky, unlit cigarette forgotten in your left hand.
You sighed as your eyes searched for a man with a mohawk walking some where along the horizon. It had been almost three years and you swore to yourself you would walk away the moment you seen him so that you'd cause him no more pain; but now, you swore that the moment you saw him you would run to him and kiss him.
Your heart falls heavy in your rib cage as you wonder if he's moved on, if he has a family, a wife, kids, or worse, a husband. You sink in your seat. You always wanted to be his husband.
He didn't want you anymore though.
You bring the cigarette to your lips and pull out your lighter. It's been 5 or 6 years since you even had a cigarette in between your lips.
You stopped because he wanted you to stop.
Without a second thought you part your lips and watch as the cigarette falls to the grass. You stomp your foot over it and twist the ball of your foot from side to side until you're sure the cigarette has been shredded into the grass.
The lighter flew far out of sight as you threw it with anger. You doubled forward, hands in your hair as you began crying loudly. You lost him, and it was all your fault. He had actually loved you at one point, and you broke him.
I realize for the first time that I've lost what has been in my heart until now
How much you supported me
How much you made me smile
That I'd lost them was too much to consider
You watched as another client walked away unsatisfied. You would've felt bad for them three years ago, but you were numb now. You couldn't, or maybe just didn't want to feel anymore. An idiot from your past stole your ability to feel a while back. You were kind of thankful now, feeling was just too much, sometimes it was better to just see people in the misery you know you should be in.
It's when you begin organizing your papers that a memory of said idiot comes to mind.
Gamzee Makara. The idiot you met while practicing soccer with your friend Equius for the school's soccer game that upcoming week.
You approached him, blurting apology after apology, Equius just behind you. He told you it was alright, and handed you back your blood smudged soccer ball.
It was the first nosebleed you had caused him.
You smiled down at the papers in your hands. Yeah, that was the Gamzee you fell in love with.
Standing from your seat you shove your paper messily into your briefcase, tears stinging your eyes. Yes, yes, you were going to hurry out of the building and get home before the tears fell.
Your jacket was slung over your shoulder and you hurried down the hallway and out of the building, rushing to your car.
It was at a street light that you finally broke. Your hands trembled on the steering wheel and tears streaming down your cheeks. You were a whimpering, sobbing mess that shook violently in you car as you waited for the green light. As you waited for your suffering to end, for Gamzee to find you so you could call off your shitty break up and get back together. Through your blurry vision you saw a green light, but mistook it for your lane's light. It was for the turning lanes, and as you sped forward a crossing car collided with with you. You feel cold. The impact of the collision digging into your left side and slinging your body to the right. You feel as if every bone on your left side is broken. You're too shocked to scream out in pain.
Even though I struggled so desperately to reach out to them and take them back
But like the wind, they slipped through my fingers
Looking as though they would reach me, but did not
You always knew you waited at that very park for Tavros, hoping that maybe you'd run into him. But it was time to man up, face your consequences and realize that it was over between you two. It hurt so badly to admit it however, because he was the one person you truly loved.
One sided love couldn't work though, so now that he no longer loved you, you needed to move on.
You stand from the bench and walk along the gravel pathway surrounding the park. Along your walk you notice some one. You squinted and focused harder on the boy practicing soccer with his father. The boy looked just like Equius Zahhak, some one you knew from high-school.
You sighed as the memory of Tavros running to you came into mind. He had a squeaky voice and low self esteem thanks to his older sister Vriska. You smiled sweetly at the memory of being hit in the face by a soccer ball and having a bloody nose.
You went to the park daily after that to see Tavros practice, and you eventually brought him (and Equius) snacks and drinks. Then one day, you asked him to prom, where you two officially got together.
You would do anything to be in that moment again. You would be happy if you could see him again, just once.
My chest was filled with loneliness and despair
My heart felt like it would break
But your smiling face remains in my memories
Always encouraging me
You're gaze was on the sky. It stretched out in all it's blue glory, going places you never even dreamed of going. You focused on the sky, and tried to block out the faces of the medics as they towered over you, checking your vitals.
Your throat was thick and irony and you body felt crushed, but you focused on the sky with desperation. You locked your gaze on the blue sky because, you could see his smile that burned in your vision clear upon the blue background. Your heart felt heavy as realization hit you. Your heart was heavy as the thought of never seeing Gamzee again washed over you.
Tears began spilling over your cheeks and you could feel the salty tears dribble into your ears. It was a weird feeling but you couldn't really do anything against it.
There were so many people around yet you felt alone and helpless. No one could bring Gamzee to you, no one could because no one knew him.
You focus on the smiling face even more, wanting, no hoping that if you believed it hard enough that face would form the real him.
Let's return to those days once more
This time, I know it will be alright
Always smiling by your side
Close by your side
You were walking home when you saw the ambulance and police cars. You saw his bloody mohawk and torn legs from where they had to...cut him from the car. He was losing a lot of blood so they had to get him to a hospital quickly. You got a ride to the hospital as quickly as possible, claiming you were his brother.
Two days had gone by, you still sat in that uncomfortable chair with the back built into the wall. His older brother Rufio wasn't in the country, due to his military training. His dad had died a while back, leaving his daughter Vriska with all of his inheritance; she had run off with everything she could get her hands on and no one knew anything about her to this day. You're the only person Tavros has now.
You sit up straight as soon as you hear your name weakly called out. Your eyes meet for the first time in three years and suddenly, your heart is even more broken than it was before.
"T-Tavros..." You say as you get up from your seat and walk over to the side of the hospital bed. He reaches out and grabs your hand with his right, all attention on you. You're glad, you don't want him to notice yet that his left arm and leg have been amputated to slow his inevitable death.
There's tears in his eyes as he smiles up at you.
"I missed you." He says while rubbing the pad of his thumb over the side of your bony thumb. You realize through his comforting act that you've started crying.
With your right hand you cup his chin and lean down to kiss him. He kisses back immediately, putting such passion into it that you can't contain your cries anymore. He never kissed you like that before, you guess he must have really missed you. You pull away and cover your mouth with your right hand, the other still holding tightly onto his. He looks up at you with such a pained expression and you realize that his left shoulder is moving oddly.
He's trying to move his arm.
"Gamzee...what happened!?" Tavros cries out frantically. You grip his hand tighter and with your right hand you make him look at you again.
"You were in a car accident. They had to cut off your left arm and leg because they were beyond repair.." You look away from him, knowing that he was beyond repair. He began crying and pulling you down to hug him with his one arm. You hug him back tightly and let him cry against your neck.
You cry with him, thinking of how unfair it is, that you finally see him again, but in this condition. You turn your head slightly and start kissing his cheek, ear, neck, nose, lips. everything. You didn't want him to go, to leave you again. You wanted him to stay with you.
You could start over again, you'd buy him flowers EVER MOTHERFUCKING DAY and take him out to eat ANY WHERE and you'd propose to him and be the best fucking husband in history. You would break every bone in your body to please him. You'd do anything to keep him here with you.
"I love you." You whisper as you pull away from a kiss. With his right hand planted on the back of your head he pushes you into another kiss.
"I love you too Gamzee." He replies with a sweet smile. Your stomach churns and your abdomen tightens at the sight. Your heart is pounding painfully in your rib cage and your head is pulsing with a sickening speed.
Where are you now, what are you doing?
Are you in this endless sky?
Will you smile for me like always?
Right now, it's all that I continue to ask for
You're gaze was on the sky. It stretched out in all it's blue glory, going places you never even dreamed of going. Holding the one place you couldn't wait to go. He had told you however, when he found out about his doomed fate, that you had to be strong for him and that he would wait for you like he had always waited. You had smiled and promised him you would.
You weren't about to break your promise.
You sigh as you look down from the sky to your hand which held his apartment key. You have already been to his apartment and you spent the night of his funeral bawling your eyes out on his bed with his pillow held against your chest. You've moved all of his belongings to your apartment in the month that followed the dreaded day.
Beside your bed is a photo of the both of you Tavros kept in a book packed away in a box in his closet. Your bedside table is completely bare with the exception of the photo and the roses you bring home every day for Tavros.
You stand from your seat on the bench and not caring if anyone is watch you blow a kiss to the blue sky and smile sweetly.
"I love you Tavros, more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."
