A/N: This will end up being a Three-shot. It's hard to break habits, still struggling a bit. It was difficult trying not to write fluff. Last chapter will be up sometime next week. This chapter is entirely Santana's POV.
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Thanks everyone for everything!
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
Santana's POV
Now, I can tell Brittany's definitely confused at what's going on, but come on who wouldn't? I can't really blame her. Here I am, her deceased fiancée in her bed, kissing her, touching her, hugging her and talking to her. I have no doubt that she'll believe me when I tell her the full story but it just pains me to see the sadness in her eyes. In these two months I've been watching her slowly destroy herself without me and it's heartbreaking. I didn't want to leave her but my body physically couldn't hold on. No matter how hard I tried to hold onto my life my body pushed me away.
"Let me start from the beginning." I tell her.
2 months prior
What the hell? Where am I, why is there a light. Shit, this can't be happening. I remember it all now. I was walking down the street telling Brittany that 'I love her', I refuse to use the past tense because I still love her no matter what. The second I tell her that I remember seeing a car swerve and head straight for me.
I'm so pissed at myself, if I'd jumped away in time then maybe he wouldn't have struck me and I wouldn't be here, staring at this stupid white light. I can still see my lifeless body in front of me. I push myself up and strain my entire being back to my body, I struggle and fight to return to my physical body but it just wasn't letting me.
No matter how hard I try to pull myself back there is something repelling me. I begin yelling as I tried to claw my way to my body but again that invisible force is holding me back. I'm so frustrated and now I begin yelling even louder until my lungs give out. I can feel another invisible force pulling my battered soul away from my body. I cry, I beg, I plead and bargain to be reunited with my body. I couldn't leave Brittany; I needed to be with her. Eventually I was repelled so far from my physical body that all I could see was this stupid white light. It was gone. Was this it? I'm now officially dead?
I look around frantically and begin crawling because my legs were now exhausted. Tears rush down my face as I desperately try to find my physical body. No, no this can't be happening. It's not time, I haven't even married her yet. This can't be it. I think I can see my body in the distance. As I drag my battered soul towards it another force pushes down on me, causing me to yell out in pain and frustration. No, I could see it and now it's gone, forever.
It's official, I Santana Lopez am dead and stuck in limbo.
I see a hand reach down for me and pulling me up, "Why hello Lopez." What the hell? Is that Coach Sylvester? When did she die?
"Coach?"
"Surprising isn't it?" She says as she drags me towards the unknown until we're standing in front of another familiar face.
"Well hello Sweet Cheeks." Since when did Miss Holiday die? Wait, why are Coach and Holly in the same place.
"Where am I?" I ask them.
"The above." Holly answers with her typical cheery attitude.
"Heaven Lopez." Coach added.
Me, in heaven? As if. I find that hard believe. I'm pretty sure I've committed so many bad deeds that Satan himself thought I was his bastard child.
"Why am I here?"
"Because regardless of what you think, you're a good person." Holly answered.
"That's right Sandbags." Typical, Coach hadn't changed one bit, wait why was she in heaven?
"Ah, believe it or not Sue is also a good person. She was just a little more subtle about it." Miss Holiday shrugs and flaps her, wait angel wings? This has definitely gotten a lot crazier.
"Take me back to my body. I don't belong here!" I demand when it finally hits me that this is it. I'm officially dead.
"No can do Lopez." Sue offers me an apologetic smile, it was weird coming from her.
"Don't worry. You can still watch over Brittany from here." Holly offers. Like that'll give me what I want. I want to be back down there with her. I want to tell her I love her and that I can't wait to marry her. Fuck, we weren't even engaged that long. I miss her.
"Is there any way you can let me back down there? I'll do anything!" I plead, "I'll go to Church, I'll donate millions of dollars. I'll even be nice to Berry."
"Sorry, only guardian angels have that privilege and even then they're not alive." Holly answers as she sits down on a cloud? I just realised we're standing on nothing?
"How do I become one?" I just want to be able to be close to Brittany again.
"You can only be one if they're in dire need of a watcher. I'm sorry." Wow, did Coach just apologise? Well this officially sucks.
I look down and I see her. There she is being restrained by Quinn. I can see the hurricane of emotion in her eyes. She's fighting tooth and nail to see me and I can't do anything to ease her hurt. The pure anger in her eyes has my heart breaking. It's like I too can feel the way her heart's hurting. I reach forward to try and reach her but it only distorts the image. This is too much, I can't be dead. I'm so furious with myself. Why hadn't my body fought harder to fuckin' stay alive.
I feel both Holly and Sue's hands on my shoulders as I fall to my knees and sob violently, "It gets easier."
2 Weeks Prior
They lied to me, just under a month has passed and it still hasn't gotten any easier. Every day I watch as Brittany loses a little bit of her sparkle. I watch as she solemnly pours my untouched beer down the sink. I watch the way she fights back the tears when she enters the house and sees Puck, Sam and Mike sitting there without me. Oh how I wish I could just hug away her pain, kiss away the tears and take away the hurt. Every day I beg Sue and Holly to let me be her guardian but I always got the same answer.
I said I'd never let her go but it just feels like I've done just that. I so desperately want to tell her not to give up. They told me she didn't need a watcher. How could they say that? She was pushing herself into emptiness. My once beautiful Brittany was now reduced down to an emotionless robot. I had only ever seen her express anger, frustration and depression. Not once had I ever seen a smile, not even as I watch her look through our photos.
I can see the way she slowly destroys her body. She refuses to eat, sleep and even leave the house. Slowly I can see her losing the battle to hold on, every day I hold my breath just praying that she doesn't give up. The way her eyes shine dully it's obvious that she's close to giving up altogether and letting herself drift away into nothing.
When I see her collapse I knew that she definitely needed a watcher. I didn't give a fuck if they said no because at this moment I knew I had to make sure she didn't give up, she couldn't. She has so much more to do before she leaves the world. I'm willing to beat down anyone even if it's the boss. Before I know it my legs are powering towards Sue and Holly.
"SHE NEEDS ME!" I yell at them in desperation, "PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME BE HER GUARDIAN!" I'm on my knees begging now. I can't stand by idly and watch as my soul mate falls into an empty abyss of nothing. I lunge forward and clutch onto Holly's legs and sob as I continue to beg.
The two look at each other and sigh, "Okay." My head shoots up and I jump to my feet and clutch the two tightly.
"For now she won't be able to see, feel or hear you but you'll be able to be close to her." Holly told me. I fucking don't care, I just want to be close to her again. We're soul mates and I know that somehow we'll be able to communicate.
"Wait, before you go." Sue says and brings me to a halt, "Black or White?" She asks.
"Excuse me?"
"Wings, what colour?"
"Black? But isn't that dark angel or something?" I ask. I don't know why I'm even wasting my time asking that.
"Nah, dark angels don't have the feathers. They got creepy bat wings." Holly shrugs, "Now off you go to your girl." She pushes off something and waves as I free fall.
Am I about to die a second time? I close my eyes in anticipation but the loud squish I'm expecting to hear never comes. I can hear beeping, a constant beeping, damn that's annoying. I open my eyes and seeing blindingly white walls, did I die again? Suddenly I can hear voices.
"Oh my baby!" That's Mrs. Pierce. I look around and there on the hospital bed, looking fragile as ever is my Brittany. I'm so furious at Holly and Sue for waiting this long to finally let me be this close to her. I reach out to stroke her cheek and just like Holly said; she doesn't feel it.
I sit on the foot of her bed with my legs crossed as I just stare at her. Those eyes are now so empty and dead. It breaks my heart. I feel guilty for causing her so much pain. I reach out to caress her cheek and lean down to kiss her forehead. Again she couldn't feel it and it frustrates me. Now I have tears streaming down my face as I try to hug her but her body doesn't shift into mine because damn it, she can't feel it. I try to spoon her but her body doesn't response so she just lies there motionless.
It hurts even more.
Present Day
"So Holly and Sue just told me literally two seconds ago that now you can feel and hear me." I tell her concluding my story. Her tears haven't stopped so I'm holding onto her because I never want to let her go.
"Can others see you?" She asks me.
I place another kiss on her lips. I've missed the feeling so much and I can't stop giving her more.
"No, just you." I tell her, "To you it's like I'm alive again, plus the wings." I chuckle and point back to my wings, "This all comes with a condition." I knew they weren't going to let me be her guardian without rules. They just told me I had to guide her on the right track and fulfil her life's journey. I had to make sure she didn't give up like she had done for the past two months.
I can see the hesitation in her eyes as she trails her fingers lightly across my arm. She starts stroking patterns across my arms that sends goose bumps throughout my body and makes me shiver. She always had this effect one me and even though I'm, damn I'm still having trouble saying this, dead she still makes me feel this way. I smile as I push forward and plant a kiss on her lips.
"You can't give up sweetie." I tell her gently as I delicately tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. We're lying on our sides and staring into each other's eyes. It's like nothing has changed. It's the exact same position we'd fall asleep in. I'll always love her and I can feel deep down it's still strong as ever. I let out a soft breath that gracefully hits her face. She pulls her lower lip in and begins to nip on her own lip. It's still cute as fuck and I can't believe I went two months without seeing it up close.
"Do you still love me?" She asks. I'm taken back by the question. Of course I still love her, forever and always, no matter what.
"Of course I love you." I can read in her thoughts that she still can't believe that I'm here. I just love how her mind races with multiple thoughts, ranging from old memories and her brain trying to make sense of this situation.
"Can you show me?" I know exactly what she's asking for and I've been waiting two months to show her how much I love her.
Our lips reunite once again in a heated, passionate embrace. Her thoughts are too fast for me to even comprehend but from the jumbled mess I can hear that she's curious about the wings. As we kiss I grab her hand and guide it so it rests against the black feathers.
"It's ok." I tell her. She begins to trail her fingers up and down my wings which after some time it begins to tickle.
Her fingers begin to relearn the contours of my body. She's tired but she's forcing herself to stay awake for this moment. She's scared that in the morning she'll wake up and I'll no longer be here. I push her back and her insecurities and put everything into this kiss, this moment.
Morning After
Brittany's still asleep next to me and she looks beautiful as ever. She always shone more after we made love and I always loved watching her rest peacefully in my arms. I blink the sleep out of my eyes when a white light begins to blind me.
"How you feeling sweet cheeks?" Holly appears and flaps her wings as she makes a graceful decent.
"Good." I croak out with a smile, "Thanks for letting me be here." I'll forever be in her and Sue's debt since they were the ones who finally allowed me to be here with my soul mate.
"She needed someone to guide her and watch her." Holly smiled.
"Yeah." I look down and place a tender kiss on my love's forehead, "Why are you here?"
"Yes, about this guardian thingy." Holly pauses, she has that same look in her face that she had when she denied me access to Brittany all those times, "You're here to guide her in her life. Help her make good decisions in life." She tells me.
"I know." I don't know why she's telling me this. It was all made clear when they allowed me to become her guardian angel.
"That means…" She pauses, I know I'm not going to like this, "If she finds someone that can make her happy, you're going to have to let her go."
"W-what do you mean?"
"You can't prevent her from being with someone else. I know it's amazing to be able to be with her again once more but you need to make sure she doesn't give up. That includes in love." The thought of Brittany loving someone else just kills me inside.
"I know it hurts sweet cheeks." Holly tries to comfort me, "But you're here to make sure she's headed in the right direction. You guys can't just pretend things are the same and stay locked in the house with each other. You have to get her back out there."
I sigh knowing that this was the only way for me to be with Brittany again. If this is the only way then so be it, but I know as selfish as it sounds I'm the only who can love her in such a way and vice versa. As long as I'm watching over her, I'll make sure that she's happy but there's always that small percentage of my mind that says 'she'll find someone.' Don't get me wrong I want her to be happy but I want to be the only person who can make her happy.
"Ok." I sigh and nod my head in compliance.
"Looks like your sleeping Beauty's waking up." Holly nods towards the sleeping woman next to me, "See you soon." With that she flies up and disappears from view.
"Morning." Brittany grumbles and smiles at me as she wakes up.
Her thoughts tell me that she's surprised that I'm still here. Then one of her thoughts reminds me of what Holly had just told me.
I could just stay here forever with her. I know that she wants stay within the confines of our house but I came here to guide her and I was going to make sure I went through with it.
"Brittany, you're going to have to get back out there." I tell her making a reference to her life and reality.
"Can't I go with you?" I flinch when she asks that because there's only one way she'd be able to come back with me up there. There was no way in hell I was going to let her do that.
"No Brittany." She genuinely looks heartbroken at my answer, "You have to continue living." I tell her, "That's why I'm here. You have so much to do."
"Will you be there with me?"
"Always, I'll be watching over you and be right there next to you."
