Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

A/N: Thank you for my two reviews, you guys are fab!

There was a banging on the door and Meredith was jerked awake, where the heck was she? A voice came through the thin wood and confused her even more, not to mention pounded through her head.

"Karev are you in there?" It was Christina, why was she asking for Alex? There was a noise from next to Meredith, a muffled groan and horrified Meredith turned to see Alex emerge from underneath the duvet.

"What are you doing?!" She hissed.

"What are you on about?"

"You're in my-" she paused and the looked around, slowly the room came into focus. Alex's room. Last night came flooding back to her in a wave of nausea and panic, "oh my god," she muttered and jumped out of the bed. Her and Alex? Alex and her- ooooh god no. What had she been thinking?! Of all the stupid things she had done this year-

"Meredith-" Alex got up to speak to her but she clamped a hand to his mouth.

"Don't say anything, don't do anything. We're not ever gonna speak about this again ok?" She was peaking in a hushed voice. She began pulling on her tee shirt and searching for her shorts. "Help me find my shorts."

"No Meredith- wait," he tried to step in front of her, "this is not ok," his own tone was angry.

"Alex step back, I gotta get out of here."

Christina's voice came through the door again, this time it was more impatient, "Karev, Meredith isn't in her room, her shift isn't for an hour, do you know where she is or should I start checking local drinking points?" Meredith swung the door back and her best friend's face went from slightly pissed off to completely shocked, her mouth fell open.

"What the-"

"Shh!" She clamped a hand over her friend's mouth and ushered her into her own room, shutting the door quickly. Christina rounded on her.

"What are you doing in Karev's room?! No, wait- pleeease tell me you were practising sutures on his unconscious body.. Or," she snapped her fingers, "or borrowing soap?"

"No!" Meredith sighed and threw herself on the bed, Christina followed her and pulled the duvet over both their legs. Meredith was glad she wasn't yelling. "I- I was upset and I couldn't talk to- and so I had a drink and then Izzie and Alex were drinking so I had to drink more and then..." She paused, "but there is no excuse.. Alex and I- well- " Christina's eyes widened in understanding.

"Seriously?" She stood up quickly, "seriously?! "

Meredith opened her mouth to explain and then covered her head with a pillow, "I don't know how it happened," she groaned, "i'm a freaking idiot."

"I thought you were screwing with me!"

"I thought i'd dreamt it!"

There was a silence, Christina didn't know what to say. She knew her best friend was going through a rough patch but she never imagined... She would never judge her, it was her own life after all but the two of them needed a freakin break. Slowly she sat back down on the bed and patted her friends legs, "you're not an idiot Mer, maybe just a bit screwed up."

Meredith threw the pillow on the floor, "oh that's much better! What am I gonna do?" Christina didn't have an answer for her, instead she stared back helplessly. Meredith rolled over and stared out of the window. It was raining heavily. She watched it hit the glass, wishing she could go and stand outside in it...

Christina searched for the right words, "ok first thing you need to do is have a shower cos... you smell like bad things and then- then we can go from there."

Meredith nodded, "you're right, ok. I can do that. I can shower right?"

"Right! We can do this. One step at a time."

Meredith opened the door to check the corridor, it was empty, quick as a flash she dived towards the bathroom and bumped straight into Izzie.

"Izzie!"

"Meredith..." Izzie looked at her confused. Flickers of last night were slowly coming back to them both and almost simultaneously they both put their hands to their mouths.

"You so didn't go to bed alone last night!" Izzie said, her eyes alight.

"Oh my god-" Meredith pointed at her, "you told me something-"

"Shut up Meredith or I swear to god!" Izzie's face fell and she pulled her back into the bathroom. Meredith felt like she was on a terrible roller-coaster, her head was spinning and she felt sick. She had slept with Alex. Cheated. CHEATED on Derek. She was as bad as her mother. That thought alone made her retch and she leant forward and clutched her knees. She took some deep breaths and realised Izzie was still muttering.

"I can't remember exactly what I said but I know I shouldn't have told you so I wish I could take it back and not have burdened you with what I said-"

"What did you say?" Meredith asked confusedly.

"I said that I slept with Ge- wait? You don't remember?"

Meredith straightened up, "You and George!?"

"You and Karev?!" Izzie retorted, Meredith shut her mouth. They both stared at each other for a moment, eyes narrowed and the Izzie nodded.

"Ok. So this is bad. Very bad."

"Very bad," Meredith agreed.

"But- we can fix this. I mean, you don't have feelings for Alex right? It was just a one night thing right?"

Meredith went to respond and then found she couldn't. She couldn't say what she knew Izzie expected to hear. She had cheated. She had been the lowest of the low last night. And in this moment, she didn't know how she was going to survive it. Derek would be heartbroken, he would feel so betrayed, utterly and completely betrayed. And Alex.. what was she going to say to him? What could she say? She began composing apologies in her head as Izzie waited for an answer but before either of them could speak Christina banged on the door.

"Yo, we're leaving in twenty minutes so get your butts into gear drama queens."


Half an hour later and they were walking into the hospital entrance, Christina had her arm linked firmly through Meredith's and was manoeuvring her towards the stairs.

"Can't we take the elevator?"

"I think that's dangerous today."

Reality had still not truly set in and Meredith was avoiding the millions of thoughts attempting to crush her brain. She had a raging headache and the idea of running into Alex or Derek was terrifying. What the hell was she going to say to either of them? She was a mess. A complete failure. In one night she had sabotaged the only real romantic relationship she had ever committed to fully and now she had to explain herself to him.

They entered the locker room and Meredith tied her hair back quickly, she needed to concentrate on something other than her disastrous love life and chopping and cutting and healing might just distract her... She needed a distraction, she couldn't think any more about Derek's face when she opened her mouth and said the words, 'i've cheated.'

"Alright, gather around people," Bailey broke her thoughts and began giving out assignments. "There's a trauma coming in, bus accident- there's fourteen casualties so the main things to remember are-" she looked at them all suddenly, "where's Karev?"

Meredith glanced around, what the heck? Why wasn't he in yet? She swallowed, she hadn't meant to do this...

Suddenly the door bust back and Alex appeared looking dishevelled and unwashed.

"You're late Karev," Bailey said shortly.

"Yeah I know- sorry, I overslept," he glanced in Meredith's direction, his eyes were cold and she had to look away quickly.

"You're here now," Bailey continued, "you're with Doctor Montgomery as usual. Yang, Stevens, O' Malley you're with the trauma, Grey you're on charts."

Meredith stood up, "i'm what?"

"You had a long, bad day yesterday and i'm not having you working on patients distracted."

"I-" she was painfully aware of her friend's eyes all on her and for a second she couldn't speak, she gave in, "ok."

"Good, so get going."

Meredith watched as everyone filed out and then noticed Alex was still leaning against the lockers. He stood, his arms folded, looking at her, waiting for her to say something. Her eyes couldn't quite meet his, instead she settled for looking at his neck.

"Alex-" she tried to speak but he held up a hand.

"What do you want Meredith?"

"Sorry?"

"I'm just wondering if all that's ever needed to be asked of you was a straight forward what do you want and that no-one's ever thought to ask you because it just seemed so damn simple. Too damn simple."

She stood up off the bench and tried to move towards him. Instead her feet felt like blocks of ice and she could only jerk her arms around. She felt like a dumb fool and stopped trying to move and sighed, "i'm sorry Alex. I didn't mean for this-"

He strode towards her and to her surprise she saw there was hurt in his eyes, "you didn't?"

"No of course not!" She faltered, "I mean, well, you know- i'm with Derek!"

"Really? And how is that relationship going right now? When was the last time you even had a meaningful conversation with the guy?!"

"That's none of your business," she snapped.

He caught her shoulders and all her anger faded, she couldn't be mad at him- why the hell couldn't she push him away?

"Don't you get it Meredith? It is my business. It matters to me when you're upset. Don't you see? It makes me crazy-"

"I can't make you crazy Alex- i'm with someone else. I'm with... i'm with Derek..."

"Yeah I know," he sighed, "and that just eats me up."

"It does?" She knew she shouldn't be pushing him to talk about this, it wasn't fair when she didn't know how she would even respond. But to her half relief, half disappointment he stopped speaking.

"I don't know what you want from me Meredith but I sure as hell can't give it you if you're not even willing to look me in the eye."

The door opened and Bailey reappeared, very pissed off, "did I or did I not give you orders five minutes ago?"

Alex dropped her shoulders like she was on fire and Bailey pretended not to see that she had obviously walked into something emotional. "Karev, Grey- move it." She shut the door again and Meredith stared at the closed door.

"Meredith-"

"I have to go, you heard Bailey."

"What are you going to do? Are you going to tell Derek?"

"I don't know."

"But do you even want to be with him?"

"I don't know."

"Meredith!" His voice was full of frustration but she couldn't deal with it right now. It was the hospital dammit! This was supposed to be her happy place! She stormed out of the room and left Alex behind her kicking at the bin in frustration.

Sooo, I can't decide if this is working or not- if anyone does think it is please review and let me know! I hope it's working, I had an idea in my head and I really wanna get it out right! I love Alex/Meredith chemistry but I want to get it right! So Derek/Meredith drama coming up... And of course, more Alex/Meredith.