Chapter 2- Hazel
Chiron's patient gave out a cheery, bright smile. "Hello!" she beamed. "How are you?" Chiron could only feel weary in response. This was the fourth time she repeated herself. "Hello!" she beamed again. "How-"
"Hazel Levesque, was it?" he interrupted. This was going to be tricky for Chiron and he was going to try to see where the problem was. Memories were always tough.
"Hazel?" she first asked, looking confused. "Hazel," she repeated to herself, each time with a different tone. "Hazel, Hazel." Then it was as if something insider her gear shifted. "Ah…." She realized, not sounding happy at all. "That's my name."
"So you remembered," Chiron cautiously said.
"Yes," Hazel said, with a frown. Chiron figured something brought her back to reality. That must mean she's forgetting something in the first place. Chiron needed to figure out how. "Unfortunately," she said. "I do."
Chiron shifted his position so he's more comfortable. "Please," he said. "Can you tell me what you remember?"
"I…I don't know," she stammered. Chiron raised his eyebrows, trying to deicide if she was lying or her memory got lost again.
"Please," Chiron responded. "Can you please try?"
"…"
"I know it's hard and uncomfortable, but I want to help you as much as I can. And the only way possible is if you let me help you."
"I…I remember," she said quietly. Chiron leaned closer to hear her properly. "Back in New Orleans. Yes, New Orleans." She spoke whatever came to her mind. She sounded breathless, afraid that any unnecessary movement would wipe away her memory. "Sammy. I remember playing with Sammy. He was such a nice kid, used to horseback ride with me the all the time."
"And, do you happen to know where he is now?" Chiron tentatively asked.
"I, I don't know," her lips trembled. Chiron wondered if it was because of the amnesia or if she didn't know where he is now and too afraid to know. Chiron didn't want to force her, but he had to encourage her to continue to digging through her memory. She continued to try. "I, I remember jewelry. A lot. A lot of diamonds, gold, rubies, emeralds…" she stopped listing and started to shudder. She hugged her arms close to her body.
"Are you alright?" Chiron asked in concern. "If it is too much for you, we can stop." Chiron prioritized too much of her safety and well-being to let her continue.
"I..I can't," she said. She was shutting her eyes, clenching her fist hard enough to turn her dark skin paler. "I can't stop now. The memories…won't…stop." When Chiron was about to shake her out of it, she let out a high pitch scream. She clutched her head as and flinched away. She started to breath faster. Too fast. Soon enough, she was going to experience oxygen toxicity. "Can't…breath…"
"Hazel!" Chiron tried to snapped her out of it. He placed a hand on her trembling, crouched shoulders, but he didn't move nor shake. She was having enough trauma already.
"I can't breathe. I can't breathe," she muttered, only quickening her breath. Soon enough, Chiron was worried that she was going to pass out. "Drowning. Too much mud. Too many rocks. People… Cursed Child… Bullies everywhere..."
"HAZEL!"
Hazel struggled to look up toward the source of the voice, but she did. Gradually, her breathing slowed down. Soon enough, she stopped trembling but she still looked quite in shock. Chiron didn't blame her. From what he got out of it, she seemed to have recalled memories of near-death experience and painful flashbacks. Memory repression, Chiron suspected, which was a defense mechanism in response to high levels of stress and trauma. "I think," Hazel hesitantly said. "That could have gone better." Her voice was shaky and she looked a little sick.
"If it's too uncomfortable for you, we can stop," Chiron tried to assure her. In truth, Chiron didn't think it was safe for Hazel to continue. She only shook her head in defiance. She was a tough kid.
"It's too late," she responded. "I… I remember now. I, I remember my mom. I remember how the cave collapsed on me. I remember how everyone called me a cursed child because of my mom. " She gently touched her temple, rubbing it. She looked as if she was hoping she could forget her memories.
"How much do you remember of your past now?" Chiron gently asked, not wanting to trigger her in a shock again.
"Everything," she muttered. "I remember everything now." She clutched her head again, causing Chiron to be alarmed. "Please," she started off as a whisper, but she gradually got louder. "I don't want to remember any of this. I don't want my memories. Make them go away. MAKE THEM GO AWAY!"
"Hazel," Chiron sighed. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, but I can't. No one can."
"Chiron," Hazel pleaded. "Don't leave me with them. Please, help me."
"I cannot," Chiron sadly said. "Unfortunately, no one can." He found it horribly interesting. How life leaves its scars behind as memories.
"I don't know what to do. I want to move on from it, Chiron. But every time I go, it's there. It's always there. I can't run away from it. There's no escape."
"You will always carry your past with you, Hazel. It's your shadow: it will follow you no matter what. Because it is you."
"Then, what am I suppose to do?" Hazel asked hopelessly.
"As you do with your own real shadow: put it behind you and look ahead toward the light."
"But, I see it. I always see it."
"Yes, I understand," Chiron said sadly. "It's hard, isn't it?"
"What about the future? How can I live when I know the future will come and haunt me as a past? I'm stuck where I lose no matter what, Chiron. I just can't win."
"Hazel, there's a lesson that humans always fail to remember, including me."
Hazel's head raised up to listen to him. Her eyes were with curiosity. "What is it?" she asked.
"That the past can no longer harm us. And that the future may seem fast, but it can only come to us in the moment of the present."
There was a brief moment of silence. Hazel tilted her head, trying to comprehend what Chiron had said. "No?" Chiron asked. "It seems as if you don't agree with it." Hazel merely shrugged in response.
"I don't know, Chiron," she admitted. She twiddled her thumbs as she looked down at her hands. "I'm just not sure if what you said was…applicable."
Chiron sighed in agreement. "No, if it was, then life would be easier to look at and face. But that's not the case."
"Then why-"
"Because there's somethings in life that you should ought to know. And maybe one day, you'll find yourself to understand what it means to live in the present. I hope that someday, you'll live, free from the pain of the past and the fear of the future."
Hazel sat there in silence for a while. For the longest time, she tried to escape her own life. She was miserable far too long because of what happened to her and she was afraid for too long because of what the future holds. "Thanks," she decided to say. "Thank you for telling me that."
"I hope you have the strength to look at your life, Hazel," Chiron said with a gentle smile. "I hope you have the courage to live through it."
"I'm not sure if I can," Hazel said hesitantly. "But, I'll try."
"If you stumble along the way, I'm always here. You're not alone in this. But more importantly, I think you have what it takes to live your own life, Hazel. Not a lot of people are smart nor brave enough to do so, but I think there's something in you that makes it possible."
"You really think so?"
"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't believe in it."
Here's the second one. I'm by no means qualified for a therapist, so I don't know how to properly diagnose and treat some psychological disorders (Just to put it out there). But I hope you can take some message and meaning behind the work I write here. Thanks for reading!
