Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling.
Dumbledore and the Dursleys
Dumbledore has already said the Dursleys have not raised Harry as their own, but treat him better than their son.
Both Vernon and Petunia stared at him in shock.
"Us? Mistreat Dudley?" said Vernon, but Petunia said, "Us? Do something other people do? I never do what others do, that's why I'm not a witch."
"You can't control that," said Albus.
"Oh, I think I can," said Petunia. "Lily was a witch so I thought she had that covered."
"That is the weirdest thing I've evr heard," Albus said.
"Harry, shut your fat friend up," said Petunia.
"Hey, I'm not fat," Albus argued. "I'm thinner than even you or Harry."
"Oh, I don't think so," Petunia disagreed. "Us two are gifted with the Evans gene. Evanses don't get fat."
"Well, I'm gifted with the Dumbledore gene," said Albus. "Dumbledores don't get fat."
Later in the conversation . . .
"I make it my business to know about my in-laws -"
"-which you hate," Albus finished for her.
"I don't hate you guys," said Petunia. "I simply envy you. You have something that I do not."
"Thank you," said Albus. "Wait, what do I have that you do not?" Harry was equally confused.
"Think," Petunia said. "Think."
Albus and Harry still had very confused expressions on their faces.
"Come on," said Petunia. "You know this one."
"Oh," said Harry.
"I'm young and beautiful," said Albus.
"In the body of a senile old man," said Petunia.
"Hey!" said Albus. "But if that's not it, then what do I have that you don't?"
Petunia growled in frustration.
"You - two - are - wizards!" she said irritably. "I - am - a - Muggle! Do the math!"
"Oh, There's math involved," Harry grumbled. "You do it."
"Oh, for God's sake," Petunia snapped. "You have magical ability! I do not! What, were you two raised in a cave?"
"Only for a year," said Harry. "And you promised you'd never bring that up again!"
Dumbledore and Draco
Harry was completely lost. Expelliarmus was not a Freezing Charm.
Then by the light of the Mark, he saw Albus' wand flying in an arc over the edge of the ramparts and understood. Albus had nonverbally immobilized Harry, and that cost him the chance to defend himself.
Albus smiled calmly at his adversary and said, "Hey, Draco! How's it going?"
Malfoy stepped forward, glancing quickly to make sure he and Albus were alone. His eyes fell on the second broom.
"Who else is here?" he asked suspiciously.
"I was gonna ask you exactly the same thing," Albus replied coolly. "Or are we acting alone?"
"No," Malfoy replied. "I've got Death Eaters."
"Impressive," Albus said. "Most impressive. Ya found a way."
"Under your fucking crooked mess you call a nose, eh?" Malfoy grinned.
"Rude you may be," Albus said, "but you are not an assassin."
"How do you know what I am?" Malfoy snapped. "I've done things that will shock you!"
"Like cursing Katie Bell and poisoning Ronald Weasley. You've been trying to kill me all year long. Forgive me, Draco, but these have been feeble attempts. Feeble-minded. Was your heart really into it?"
"YEAH, IT WAS, YOU SHIT-FACED OLD MAN!" Malfoy screamed.
"How'd ya smuggle in the Death Eaters 'under my fucking crooked mess I call a nose'?"
Silence.
"I am unarmed," Albus said. "Strike me down."
Malfoy merely stared at him.
"I see," Albus said. "You are afraid to act without backup."
"I'm not afraid!" Malfoy said
"How'd you smuggle in the Death Eaters?" Albus repeated.
"I mended the Vanishing Cabinet that Peeves broke half a decade ago. The one Montague got lost in last year."
"Impressive," Albus repeated. "Most impressive. There is a pair, I believe. A twin."
"At Borgin and Burkes," said Malfoy, "and they form a kinda passageway between each other. When Montague last year told everyone, I was the only one who understood. I could use the Cabinets as a passageway into Hogwarts, one unwatched by the Squib caretaker."
"Impressive," Albus repeated. "Most impressive."
"Would you quit saying that?" Malfoy asked.
Later . . .
"Please look at it from my viewpoint: An evil monster tells you to kill this good old man or He'll kill you and your family. What would you do?"
"Well, Frankly, my brother is the only -" began Albus.
"Not the point," Malfoy growled.
"Oh yes," Albus said. "I'd speak with this good old man and tell him what Lord Voldemort is trying to make me do."
Dumbledore and the Death Eaters
"'Lo, Amycus," Albus said. "And you brought Alecto too. Impressive. Most impressive."
Alecto Carrow gave him an angry little titter. "D'you think your jokes're gonna help you on your deathbed, Dumbledore?"
"Jokes? These are manners," Albus replied. "You guys should get some. They're a great help at tea parties."
"Do it," Bellatrix snapped.
"Good evening, Bellatrix!" said Albus pleasantly. "I think introductions are in order."
"Love to, Albus," said Bellatrix icily. "But we're on a bit of a tight schedule."
"Do it, Draco," growled Greyback.
"That you, Fenrir?"
"'At's 'ight," Greyback slurred. "Plessed to see ma, Dumba-da?"
"No, I'm glad to say I'm not pleased to see you."
Greyback grinned. "But yeh knuh 'ow much I lik' kids."
"So you attack even without the full moon now," said Albus. "Dispicable."
"Ah give yeh dispicis," Greyback slurred. "Get what Ah'm sayen?"
After Snape's arrival . . .
"Avada Kedavra!"
A jet of green light flew from his wand, and hit Albus.
