Chapter Two: Struggle

We left Chicago just after twilight. Edward suggested we head north into Wisconsin where he would teach me to hunt animals.

"There are fewer humans up here; which will hopefully mean less chance of one of us slipping," Edward said in explanation for coming here.

'If anyone is going to slip up, it'll be me,' I thought.

"I will not let that happen, Jasper. I promise we will make sure we are in a safe zone before we hunt," Edward said. We were deep into Wisconsin and had finally reached an isolated area for us to hunt.

"There are a couple of rules that we need to follow so that we do not accidently happen across a human when we are hunting," Edward said.

I nodded and waited for him to continue. "Carlisle and I would try to hunt in places with little to no human presence. We also try not to over hunt."

That all made sense, but I had the feeling it was not as easy as it sounded.

"That depends on where we are living. Sometimes we need to range out quite a distance to meet our needs. Carlisle and I tended to feed on the local deer populations. We would then range out once every month or so to hunt larger prey to keep ourselves stronger and better able to resist," Edward paused and looked at me for a moment.

"I think we will probably need to go more often at least at first. It will help us get more acclimated to resisting."

I was starting to doubt that this was going to work. It just seems like such a huge challenge and I was skeptical of my ability to resist. Edward of course was reading my thoughts and frowned at me.

'Sorry,' I thought.

"You do not need to apologize, Jasper. I will be honest, this will be a challenge and it will not be easy to resist at first. It will take time to build up your control. It took Carlisle two centuries of practice before he was able to work as a doctor without pain. Now he is all but immune to the smell of human blood. I know you can do this, Jasper. You just need to believe in yourself."

"Let's just go hunt." I said. I still wasn't convinced I could do this after hearing how difficult it sounded. Part of me felt as if I'd be cursed for the rest of eternity.

Edward shook his head, "Not yet we need to make sure we are in a safe zone."

"How do we do that?" I asked.

"We need to check for humans nearby before we start hunting," Edward replied.

Edward closed his eyes and I was not exactly sure what he was doing. "I am listening, and taking in the smells of the forest, to check if any humans are nearby."

After a few moments Edward spoke again, "We are in the clear for where we will hunt, but in the future we should always run the perimeter of our hunting grounds to be absolutely sure."

Edward taught me to range out with my senses to find a herd of deer. They would be our prey on this hunt. Edward had explained that he wanted us to start with smaller wildlife. I had scoffed at that, but Edward said it would be easier for a first hunt. I range out with my hearing and picked out the sounds of tongues lapping up water from a stream a quarter mile to the north.

"Good, now use your sense of smell," Edward encouraged.

I immediately wrinkled my nose when I picked out the stink of the deer.

"Sorry. Herbivores do not smell that great and the taste is only slightly better," Edward said, with a frown.

"Now what do I do?" I asked.

"What do you feel like doing?" Edward asked.

I felt like vomiting, but I was almost certain that was not what Edward wanted to hear. Edward shook his head at my thoughts.

"Give yourself over to your instincts, do not think about it," Edward said.

I closed my eyes and let my instincts take over. In the next second I was sprinting through the forest in the direction of the deer. I could now hear their pounding hearts clearly and the sound triggered my instinct to feed further. The promise of a warm liquid that would soothe the burn in the back of my throat was too appealing to pass up. I focused on the sound of the loudest and strongest beating heart. I emerged from the edge of the forest and found the small herd of deer drinking from the stream. They had not heard my approach and were unaware. I leapt from the tree line and landed on the back of the large buck. I snapped its neck in the same instance as my teeth bit into the hide and flesh at its neck. The taste was horrible, but the feeling of the warm red blood coating the back of my throat brought much needed relief.

When I finished, I stood and brushed off the deer fur and other debris that had managed to soil my shirt and pants. I turned to see Edward draining a doe a few feet away and was slightly annoyed to see that he had managed not to soil his clothes. Edward chuckled as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I have had a bit more practice at hunting animals and not getting dirty."

I folded my arms across my chest and rolled my eyes.

"That tasted as bad as I remember," Edward added looking down at our discarded prey.

"Thankfully it does not leave an after taste," I sighed with relief.

"Predators taste better and are more of a challenge to take down."

I had to scoff at that. I did not see how any animal would be able to put up much resistance to our superior strength, speed or evade our heightened senses.

"They do not, but it can be fun to give chase. It was the only way for me to expel my built up energy. I love to run and chasing a mountain lion through the forest can be rather exciting at times."

I started to imagine what Edward would look like hunting. I was imagining how graceful he would move, how his powerful legs would propel him through the forest, and how beautiful he would look. I suddenly became aware that this was causing my pants to become tighter as I became aroused by my mental musing.

"What was that?" Edward asked.

"Umm . . . nothing . . ." I said, while trying in desperately to hide my previous thoughts.

'Oh god this is so embarrassing!' I thought.

Edward raised an eyebrow at me totally not buying my lame attempt at concealing my thoughts.

"What is so embarrassing?" Edward asked.

He had this amused twinkle in his eyes.

'Please Edward, this is too embarrassing. Please!' I begged in my thoughts.

Edward flitted to stand in front of me with an intense look on his face as if he was trying to probe my mind for my earlier thoughts. Edward moved his head and leaned in so that his lips were close enough to my ear that if he stuck his tongue out he could lick it.

Edward's emotions were a mix of mischief, amusement and something else that I could not place. I felt his cold breath blow across my ear causing me to shiver.

"I thought you were graceful, powerful and beautiful when you were hunting." Edward whispered then I felt his tongue lick the edge of my ear.

Edward chuckled then flitted away from me.

"You . . . you . . . when I get my hands on you," I growled.

Edward laughed as he took off running. I took off after him as fast as I could.

'Damn he's fast,' I thought.

I was falling behind and there was no way I was going to catch him.

'I give up, you win,' I projected.

I heard Edward chuckle amusingly as he came running up to me a few moments later. I reached out and wrapped an arm around him pulling his body to mine. I pressed his back up against a nearby tree.

"I thought you gave up?" Edward said.

"It was all a rouse to get you in my arms," I whisper with my lips mere inches away from his sweet red lips.

I pressed my hard body against Edward, further pinning him to the tree. I moved my lips closer and let out my breath slowly sending a shiver down his spine. I focused my attention on his lips as I moved in closer until my own red lips brushed against his ever so slightly. I could feel Edward's body responding to the sexual tension.

I pressed firmly against Edward and attacked his lips. They tasted better then I could have ever imagined. I moved my right hand to cup his face. I felt Edward's hands slowly wrap around my back and his lips begin to move with mine. I parted my lips and flicked my tongue against his.

'I wonder what his mouth taste like.' Edward's lips immediately parted and I slipped my tongue into his mouth.

The taste was exquisite. I heard Edward beginning to purr.

'Fuck me if that was not the sexist sound I have ever heard.' I thought.

Our lips moved in sync, brushing back and forth in a frenzy. I wanted Edward to take more control of our kiss and show me what he liked. I felt his right hand moved up my back. His fingers tangled in my long curly blonde locks. He tilted my head to the side and pushed his tongue into my mouth.

Edward flips us around so I was now pressed against the large tree. I moved both of my hands up running my fingers through Edward's messy bronze locks, and tangling my fingers in them. I ground my hips against Edwards. Edward presses himself against me tightly and I could tell he was as turn on as me.

All too soon our kiss ended. Edward pulled back and sighed, "That was an amazing first kiss."

I did not realize at first that Edward meant it was his first kiss ever. It was not until the shy, embarrass emotions seeping through from Edward that it clicked.

"That was your first kiss ever?" I asked.

Edward dropped his head forward and nodded shyly. I immediately placed a finger beneath his chin and lifted his face so that I could see his deep meaningful eyes.

"You are an amazing kisser, Edward," I said.

"I sort of cheated," Edward admitted shyly.

"Oh I know, and you can cheat anytime you kiss me." I smirked.

Edward and I spent the rest of the night sitting by a small stream watching some deer and smaller animals come to drink from it. We did our best to keep our scent downwind from the animals to not scare them off. Most were unaware of our presence, but a few were perceptive enough to spot us and their instincts told them to run. Holding Edward in my arms and the occasional chaste kiss combined with his happy and joyful emotions turned out to be the highlights of the night. I reflected those feelings back to Edward telling him that those were the emotions I was feeling from him.

As the sun was rising over the horizon, we left the stream and headed north toward Michigan.

"I think we will be able to find larger game in the north. I am also hoping we might find some mountain lions," Edward said.

I was eager to try something that had a better taste the deer. I knew that this new life I had chosen would be a struggle, but I was happy to not be depressed after feeding. Part of me also wanted to admit that this new life was far better then the alternative. I stopped my thoughts from thinking about that alternative. I was happy now. I had Edward and he made me happy. If someone had told me a week ago that I would fall in love with a male vampire, and be hunting animals instead of humans, I have thought they were crazy.

As we traveled further and further north, the weather turned colder. As the day went on we soon encountered a small snow front that was slowly dropping a new layer of snow.

"Do you have a coat?" Edward asked.

'What a strange question, why would I need a coat?' I thought.

Edward stopped walked and pulled his backpack off his shoulders.

"Here put these on," Edward said as he handed me a coat and a sweater.

I stared at Edward in confusion as he in turned pulled on a sweater and another coat.

"If we happen across any humans, they will question why you are not wearing winter clothing," Edward said.

'Oh,' I had not considered that.

I pulled on the sweater and the coat Edward had given me. I was immediately hit by the smell, Edward's smell. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. I could not place the scent, but it smelled heavenly.

Edward pulled his backpack back onto his shoulders, "Come on lover boy. Oh, and try not to get too drunk off my smell."

Edward was laughing as he walked away from me.

I groan, 'That damn little gift of his could be so annoying at times!' I thought.

"I heard that," Edward called back.

As quickly as I could, I crouched down and grabbed a handful of snow making a ball. I launched it at Edward, but he ducked out of the way. I could hear him laughing.

"Cheater!" I yelled.

I knew he had picked it out of my head. I looked back at Edward in time to see a snowball heading my way. I was not quick enough to move out of the way as the snowball clipped my shoulder.

"You are going to pay for that," I said.

I leapt the distances and tackled Edward to the ground. I knew he could have moved but he let me have my fun. I pressed my lips to Edwards, while using my right hand to gather up some of the snow. I was also picturing Edward and me naked to keep him distracted from my real intention. Pulling away from the kiss, I tossed the snow into Edward's face. The stunted look on his face was worth the trouble I was about to be in. I jumped off Edward and started running as fast as I could, laughing the whole time.

"JASPER!" Edward yelled. He tore off after me; and I knew he would catch me, but it was still a lot of fun.

Edward caught up to me within a few seconds. Edward pulled me into his arms and kissed my lips, then smack my ass with is right hand.

"Edward!" I said shocked.

Edward just smirked at me.

"You were a bad boy and needed to be punished," Edward grinned.

We walked in silence through the forest side by side after our little playful excursion. Both of our emotions were content and just happy to share each other's company. I was basking in Edward's happiness, trying to absorb every wave that flowed off of him. Part of my mind was telling me that I was setting myself up for disaster if things ended badly. I push those thoughts out of my mind. Edward had told me that he did not like the idea of being parted from me. There were other ways that this could end badly as well, but again I pushed those thoughts from my mind. I did not want Edward listening to my fears.

I instead started thinking about my human family, trying to hold onto the few memories I had left of them. During my time with Maria my human memories had all but faded. There was now only a handful of good human memories left and I was determined to hold on to them. All of them were about my family; my mother's face, the fishing hole that my dad and I use to go to, and a few memories of my siblings.

It was about midday when we spoke again.

"Jasper?" The way he said my name in a question and his sudden change in emotions piqued my interest.

Edward had gone from being calm and happy to being slightly nervous and curious.

"Did you have a question?" I asked slowly.

Edward nodded and I felt his emotions become conflicted.

"I wanted to know more about your past."

"What did you want to know?" I asked in reply.

"If you would prefer not to talk about it that is fine, but I was wondering about you and Maria. I got the impression from your story yesterday that there may have been more between the two of you."

I frowned at this topic. Maria was not my favorite person to talk about at the moment, but I figured that it would be best to cover this now then let it bother Edward.

"I assume that you want to know about any relationship I might have had with her?" I asked.

Edward nodded and I got a tinge of jealous from him at the mention of the word relationship. I was afraid that might be the case. I need to assure Edward that Maria was a nonissue as far as relationships went. I felt him calm as he read my thoughts.

Maria was very controlling, She was as quick to reward you when you pleased her as she was to punish you when you failed her. I got rewarded a lot because I pleased Maria with my abilities. I was a strong fighter and I knew how to lead her army in battle. I usually got my choice of humans when we hunted.

Maria soon picked up that many of the female vampires in our coven, not that there were many, were attracted to me. I think that made her jealous, but she also knew she could use this as a measure of control. I was the only newborn that survived from the original army of twenty-tree, which Maria had created. She used me to solidify her control over the coven. We all know that vampires would fight to the death to protect their mate. Maria used this to her advantage by taking me as her 'mate'. I never felt that way about Maria, but it did earn me numerous additional rewards.

It helped satisfy a need from all the lust I was feeling from the other vampires. It was never love between us. I used her to get off and she used me to protect her leadership of the coven.

The others would never challenge Maria for fear that I would step in to defend her. As I said I was a strong fighter and my empathic abilities gave me an edge over my opponents. None of the newborns or any of the older vampires wanted to fight me if they could avoid it.

Only once did any of the coven challenge Maria. Lucy and Nettie had secretly made an agreement with a rival coven. I figured out something was up when I started getting strange emotions from the two of them. I picked up on deceit, jealous, angry, fear, and nervousness. It made me think they were hiding something, so I told Maria.

It was a close fight at first because we had been surprised by the sudden attack. Maria was furious when Nettie and Lucy had switched sides on us at the start of the battle. We lost several newborns before we turned the battle in our favor. I was able to incite the rest of our army into a bloodlust. We saved Nettle and Lucy for last. Maria made an example of them that was never forgotten.

I stopped walking when we reached an outcropping of rocks. I sat on the edge looking out into the forest. I waited for Edward to join me, which he did when he picked it out of my thoughts.

"Edward" - I began as turned to look at him - "My feelings for you run much deeper then anything I ever felt for Maria. If someone had challenged Maria, I probably would have defended her; not because she was my mate, but because she was my creator."

I paused to take in Edward's emotions. They were much calmer and I got the sense that he was ok with whatever I had with Maria. Now I had to make him understand that he meant more to me than she ever did. Edward's curiosity peaked as he read my thoughts.

"If anyone ever tried to hurt you I would rip them to pieces!" I growled quietly.

Edward was actually startled by my sudden aggressive behavior. "Just the very thought of someone hurting you, Edward, makes me very angry. I feel very protective of you. I know that we have only known each other for a couple of days, but I cannot see my future without you. You have ignited something deep within me that I have never felt before. There are no words to describe these feelings that are coursing through me. Many of the same feelings seem to be flowing through you as well. I hope that means you feel the same way about me," I ended in a whisper.

"I am not an empath and I cannot read your emotions, but I can read your mind. I am quite sure that I feel the same way you do," Edward said. "I also think that our actions over the past day have shown that we have strong feelings for each other."

"I want you to be part of my future and I want to be part of yours," Edward continued.

I wrapped my right arm around Edward and pulled his body to mine.

"Carlisle told me once that we vampires rarely change, but when we do it is a permanent change. The way I feel about you Jasper will never change. I want you forever."

Edward turned his head toward me and we kissed. It was a brief kiss, but it said everything that we were feeling. It said that he was mine and I was his forever. I was not sure if this was love or what you call this feeling but I wanted more of it. It felt right, it felt powerful and it made me happy.

"I love you, Jazz," Edward said before his lips met mine again.

'Wait, did he just call me Jazz? I kind of like that,' I thought.

Edward smirked against my lips, "I thought it suited you."

I smiled and we gave each other a chaste kiss before pulling apart.

Then it suddenly hit me. Edward had told me he loved me! I pulled him back to me and kiss him passionately. Edward returned the kiss just as passionately. I sighed quietly as we pulled apart reluctantly. I pressed my forehead against Edward's, wanting to keep the closeness.

"I love you, Edward," I said fervently.

It was true, and I had finally figured out what these emotions meant. It was love. There was no other way to describe it.

The soft padded foot steps I heard off to my right caught my attention. I turned to see a large Cougar (mountain lion) that was unaware of our presence.

"He's all yours, Jazz," Edward whispered into my ear.

I turned toward Edward, "Are you sure?"

I knew that mountain lions were Edward's favorite. He nodded with a smile, "I will get the next one."

I kissed Edward's lips then turned and leapt off the outcropping of rocks and onto the back of the Cougar a dozen yards away.

He tried to knock me off his back, but I was having none of it. I moved my hand to his head and exposed his neck. My teeth connected with his neck and bit through the hide, flesh, sinew until they tore it to the main artery in the neck exposing the sweet liquid within. I drank down the liquid greedily as it muted the burn in my throat. The cougar let out a high-pitched squeal and I snapped its neck ending its pain.

Edward flitted to my side after I had finished draining the large cat. He leaned in and licked my lips clean of the remaining blood, when I stood to face him. I pulled Edward in for a passionate kiss; letting him taste what little blood remained in my mouth, as his tongue slid between my lips. Reluctantly we ended our kiss and picked up the scent of another cougar and took off after it.

~ Change: A Journey of Struggle ~

~ Passage of Time ~

It was an overcast day with a new snow storm moving into the area. Edward and I have spent nearly two weeks hunting in northern Wisconsin and the Upper Michigan Peninsula. We had managed to find a few more mountain lions. The taste was much better than the deer, but not anywhere near the sweetness of human blood.

One major plus of our hunting had been our eye color had changed. Edward's were now completely gold. The new color made Edward's eye stand out and I thought it made him look even more attractive; if that, were possible. My eyes had also changed to gold, but they still had speckles of red. Edward claimed it was not noticeable, but I had to disagree. I knew the red was still there and that bothered me. It was one of the last remaining links to my old life that I wish I could forget.

'Stupid perfect vampire memory!' I thought.

Edward stopped walking along side of me. I turned to ask him why he had stopped when I noticed the intense look of concentration on his face. He sometimes had this look when he was deep in thought.

"I was leading here to Milwaukee for another reason, but now that we are here I have a second reason."

"Well seeing how I have no idea what your first reason was, maybe you could shed some light on why we are here," I replied.

"Well I would have told you sooner, but you would have protested," - I did not like the sound of that, - "First reason was to test our resistance to being around humans."

I was right, not liking that idea at all. 'I am not ready to be around humans yet.'

"It will be fine, Jazz, I promise."

"What was the second reason?" I asked now annoyed by his first reason for being here.

"Hear me out before you say yes or no," Edward said.

I nodded in agreement.

"I picked out of your thoughts that you would like to forget about some of your old life."

'Seriously, his mind reading was getting annoying.'

"Jasper, you agreed to hear me out."

I just stared at him with the most annoyed expression I could manage.

"I am only trying to help, please just listen."

I sighed, but only relaxed my expression slightly.

"I think you should get rid of any reminders of your old life."

I was about to protest, there were some things I did want to remember.

"Wait! I know there are some things you want to remember. I think you should keep your uniform and the pictures you have of your family, and your journal; but anything that reminds you of your time with Maria or times you prefer not remember you should destroy," Edward said.

Everything I had reminded me of Maria or some other time I wish I could forget; My backpack, my clothes, and the various trinkets I had collected over the years. Edward was right in a way, only my uniform, journal from my time in the army, and the photos of my family held any sentimental value to me.

"We will buy new clothes, backpacks and whatever else we need for the rest of our journey."

"Edward, I do not have that much money. I cannot afford to get new clothes," I protested.

"I have money, Jasper. I can . . ."

"Oh, no, I am not about to let you buy me clothes or anything else for that matter. You should not waste your money on me," I said.

"Jasper please let me do this for you. If it makes you feel any better about it, I intended to get some new clothes for myself. I could also benefit from getting rid of anything that reminds me of the past four years," Edward said.

I sighed, and I think Edward knew he was about to win. Change does not come easily for vampires. We are so set in our ways when we are changed that it takes a major event to alter us. The past two weeks with Edward had brought about some major changes in me. Edward was right, but I still did not like the idea of him spending what little money he had on me.

'All right, Edward, you win. But, I have one request. I want to keep this coat,' I thought.

Edward nodded with a smile, "I thought you might like to keep it. But, I am going to buy you a new one anyway; that one is rather shabby and you should have a new coat to go with your new clothes."

I did not see much use in protesting. Edward would get his way.

Our first stop was a hotel. We dropped off our backpacks in the room that Edward rented us for the night. Only the clerk had been in the hotel lobby when we check in. I had held by breath as Edward instructed while he did all the talking.

"You are not going to be able to hold your breath the entire time at the shop," Edward said.

"Edward, I think this is bad idea. I am not going to be able to control myself in there if I have to breathe."

"You will not need to breathe the whole time we are in there, but you are going to have to talk or the humans will get suspicious. I will be right there with you," Edward said.

'I have a really bad feeling about this, Edward.'

When we reached the shop I grabbed Edward's arm before he could enter the store. "Promise me you will not let me do something I will regret later," I said.

"I promise, Jazz. Everything will be fine," Edward replied. We entered the store and Edward led us to the men's clothing section.

Edward was gathering up several shirts and pants when a young blonde girl came over, "Can I help you, gentlemen?"

"Yes, do you have a dressing room? My friend would like to try these on," Edward said.

'What the hell are you doing, Edward?' I thought as my mind began to panic.

"Relax," Edward said much too quickly and quietly for the human to hear.

"Right this way," The blonde girl said.

"Will you be able to come back and help me after you show him the dressing room?" Edward asked with a smile.

"Of course," She said with a smile. I could feel the lust rolling off of her as she looked at Edward. I was suddenly feeling very jealous and possessive.

"Careful," Edward warned, again too quickly and low for the human to hear.

'Sorry,' I thought as I followed the girl to the dressing room.

"Will there be anything else I can help you with?" She asked me.

"No, thank you," I said quickly and entered the dressing room.

'Relax, Jasper. That went well.' I thought. She left me there to change and returned to help Edward.

The first outfit I tried on was a dark green long sleeve button up shirt and black slacks. I stepped out of the dressing room, 'Edward'.

He came over to me carrying a black leather belt with a silver looking buckle.

"Put this on," Edward said, handing me the belt and buckle.

Edward stepped back, after I added the belt and buckle, admired my new outfit.

"Okay, try on the other outfit," Edward said.

A half dozen pairs of pants and shirts later I was no longer interested in playing dress up, and I was done trying on clothes! I made sure Edward could hear my thoughts while also giving him an annoyed expression.

I have even managed to not attack the sales clerk when she asked me which of the outfits I wanted to purchase. Not knowing which I liked more I asked her which she would pick. She quickly picked out the outfits she liked; Edward agreed that they were the best choices.

I was ready to leave and hoped we were done, 'or not'. Edward reading the annoyance in my thoughts led us to the footwear section. I rolled my eyes as Edward handed me a pair of shoes to try on. I immediately disliked them. They just were not as comfortable as my riding boots. Edward sighed and walked over to a different table, returning with a pair of black riding boots similar to mine. The style was newer, but they looked more to my liking then the shoes.

"Do you like those?" Edward asked, after I had tried them on.

"Yes, I would like to get these," Edward handed the boots to the sales clerk after I had changed back into my old boots.

Breathing got easier as I learned to focus on the task I was doing or whatever Edward was doing at the time. We finished up by picking out two winter coats, one for each of us and a pair of boots for Edward. We headed up to the sales counter to complete our transaction. Edward handed over the money and the sales clerk thanked us and wished us a Merry Christmas.

As soon as we got outside I took a deep breath of fresh clean air. We made one other stop on our way back to our hotel where Edward purchased new backpacks. Upon returning to the hotel room Edward laid out clothes for both of us and then headed into the bathroom to shower.

I took a seat on the sofa and watched the snow falling outside the window. I could see the street lights illuminating on the sidewalk below and the humans moving quickly about. I was proud of myself. I had managed to get through the day so far without killing anyone. I felt a bit more confident that I might be able to succeed in this endeavor.

Edward had reminded me earlier that today was Christmas Eve. Christmas was a holiday that I had not celebrated in more than sixty years. I was conflicted by my emotions for the holiday. Part of me was sad that I had not celebrated this day in so long. It was a day to be with family and share love for one another. That part of me missed my human life and my family. Another part of me did not care for the day at all. This part was more dominate since it brought fewer painful feelings of what I had lost because of this life.

Of course Edward heard all these thoughts when he had brought up the subject on our return to the hotel. He at first frowned at me, but quickly turned his frown into a smile.

'Let us start a new tradition for this day,' Edward had said.

He finally convinced me to join him for a walk in the park. There would to be Christmas carolers and other activities. I had of course protested, but Edward reminded me of how well I had done during our shopping excursion. I grudgingly agreed, but part of me really did want to go to the park with Edward.

I heard the door to the bathroom open and turned to see Edward enter the room fully dressed. He wore a pair of black pants, and a red long sleeve button up shirt with a green sweater pulled over the top. Finishing off the outfit was a pair of black riding boots similar to the ones Edward had purchased for me earlier, but the style was different.

I took my turn in the bathroom showering and cleaning up. I enjoy the feel of the hot water pouring over my body. It had been a while since I had the luxury of being able to shower. Vampires did not have unpleasant body orders, but we still could get dirty. Living as a nomad this past year meant going out many of the luxuries, I had when I was with Maria.

I exited the bathroom fifteen minutes later fully dressed and ready to go out on our 'date'. Edward walked over to me and pressed his lips to mine. How I missed the feel of his lips. I wrapped my arms around my beautiful lover. Michelangelo's David had nothing on my Edward. His perfectly sculpted face, his hard muscular body, his firm . . .

"Have you even seen Michelangelo's David?" Edward asked, chuckling as he pulled away from our kiss.

"Not in person," I pouted. I was missing the feel of his lips. I had, however, seen a photo of the sculpture a few years ago.

Edward smirked before kissing me again. I moved my right hand up behind his head and held his lips to mine. The taste was like vanilla and so sweet. I involuntarily moaned.

'Screw the Christmas Caroling,' I thought.

I moved my left hand to Edward's perk, firm ass and pulled him into me, grinding my pelvis into his. Edward moaned into our kiss at the added friction. I released his lips and kissed up Edward's jaw to his ear.

"I want you so bad, Edward," I growled softly. I sent a wave of the lust I was feeling to him.

"Oh, Jazz," Edward moaned softly.

I moved my lips back to Edward's as I led us to the bed. Edward's body froze the instant the back of his legs touched the foot of the bed. I felt the sudden rush of panic emotions roll off of him and I froze as well in that moment. I opened my closed eyes to see Edward stares back at me with a scared look in his beautiful golden orbs.

"Edward?" I said as I pulled away from his lips slowly.

'Did he not want me?' I thought.

Edward quickly shook his head, "No, of course I want you Jazz. I... this . . . I am . . ."

I had never seen Edward this flustered for words before. I was starting to get worried. He may have said he wanted me but his flustered state was leaving me hanging.

Edward closed his eyes and took a deep breath. With his eye still close Edwards spoke slowly, "Jasper, believe me when I tell you that I want you very much. This is just all very new to me. I have never had anyone special in my life before; not even when I was human."

Edward opened his eyes and gave me a small smile. "Jasper, I love you very much and I want to be with you completely. I am just a little scared."

Edward turned his face away from me, "I am scared that I may not be good enough, that you will not want me afterward."

'What was he saying? I would not want to be with him after. Of course I want to be with him!' I thought.

"Edward, I - love – you," I stressed each word.

"I want to be with you completely, but I do not want you to be scared to be with me," I turned Edward's head so that I could see his eyes as I continued to speak.

"You said it yourself these past two weeks. Change does not come easily for our kind, and when it does come it is a permanent change. My love for you will not stop tomorrow, or next year or a thousand years from now. I will always love you, Edward," I smiled at my angel.

"Edward, we will do this at your pace. When you are ready, we will be together intimately. I also think with your mind reading and my empathic abilities it will be an unforgettable experience for both of us," Edward smiled at me as I finished.

"I love you too, Jasper Whitlock."

"Lets go listen to some Christmas carols," I smiled. One quick chaste kiss and we were out the door.

The park was only a few blocks away from the hotel. It was lit up brightly and the sounds of caroling and laughter could be heard as we entered. I could not help but smile and feel happy with all the joyful emotions flowing from all the humans. The carolers were singing 'Joy to the World' when we sat down at a bench across from them. I closed my eyes while immersing myself in the wonderful emotions and the music. I was able to breathe normally without the slightest desire to feed.

'repeat the sounding joy, repeat the sounding joy, repeat - repeat the sounding joy.' The carolers sang.

Edward and I watched the young couples strolling through the park. The families huddled together waiting in line for the sleigh rides and the children playing in the snow. All these things made my cold heart warm. I looked to Edward who was sitting silently beside me also smiling happily.

"Thank you," I simply said.

Edward turned his face to me, "What are you thanking me for?"

"For bringing me here tonight," I replied.

"I take it you are having a good time then?"

"I am, and the emotions are so happy and joyful. I have never felt anything like it."

We spent the next couple of hours just listening to the carolers. Edward had to remind me a couple of times to not sit so still. We had to act human and for someone who had not been human in more than sixty years that was a challenge.

Everything was going great until I felt the warm hand on mine and the most delicious smell.

"Mister, can you help me find my mommy?"

'Oh, no!' I thought, and stopped breathing.

I looked down to see a little boy of no more then ten-year-old holding my hand with tears running down his face. The monster inside me was suddenly raging to be released.

'NO! This is not happening! EDWARD HELP!' I scream in my thoughts.

Edward's head whipped around too fast for a human. I could see my eyes turning black in the refection from Edward's eyes. I could feel the pulse of the young boy through his hand; the warmth of the blood that flowed in his veins. My throat began to burn and venom pooled in my mouth.

'No, No, No!' my thoughts continued to scream.

Edward quickly, but gentle removed the boy's hand from mine as he spoke.

"What does your mommy look like?" Edward asked as he moved the boy so that he could use his own body as a shield against me. The monster within me growled being denied the sweet nectar. The next thing I felt was Edward's elbow being driven into my stomach. The strength of the blow was enough to cause me to gasp and suck in a breath. It took a spilt second for my mind to register that Edward had done this purposefully. The wind had changed direction ever so slight and the air around me was clean.

"Get out of here now!" Edward hiss in a quick hushed whisper. It voice was too low for the boy to hear, but his tone left no room for argument. I could think just clearly enough to obey, but the urge to feed was still there and strong.

I stopped breathing again as I stood. Edward stood at the same time kept his body between me and the boy. I force myself to turn away from them and walk to the park exit, as quickly as I could and not draw attention to myself. I did not turn back for fear I would not be able to stop myself. I did not stop walking until I was half way back to the hotel. I stopped beneath a streetlight that was out. I leaned back against it breathing slowly and deeply, trying to clear my head completely.

'I nearly killed that boy. I cannot do this. It is too hard. What was I thinking? I am a vampire.'

I slid down to the sidewalk and sat there in my self loathing hate for only a few minutes, before Edward walked up to me.

"Jasper?"

No, go away. Please go away, Edward, I do not want you to see me like this,' I thought.

"Jasper, I am not going anywhere," Edward said; his tone final.

'Just go away, Edward. I nearly killed a little boy. I am a monster!' I thought.

I could feel Edward's anger rising. Good, he should be angry with me; I nearly exposed us back there. Edward took a deep breath. I nearly looked up at him, but I did not want to see the rejection on his face and the anger for being so weak. The boy's smell had not even affected Edward.

Edward sighed, "Jasper, look at me."

'No,' I thought.

"Jazz, look at me," Edward said, in a demanding tone. I checked Edward's emotions, his anger had abated and he was calm. I slowly looked up and was startled. Edward's face was calm, but his eyes were pitch black.

"His smell affected me just as much as it affected you. He is back with his mother," Edward said. The boy was thankfully safely with his mother.

"I am sorry, Edward. I am not strong enough to resist. It is too difficult," I said softly.

"Jazz, you are much stronger then you give yourself credit. You resist the urge to feed and you had the mental strength to walk away," Edward said calmly.

"It was not as easy as you are making it sound."

"I know it was not easy for you to walk away. I was listening to your mind the entire time."

"So you know how much of a weakling I am now."

Edward groaned at me, "Jasper Whitlock! You are not a weakling. You are one of the strongest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting."

I scoffed at that, "You were able to help the boy find his mother, I turned tail and ran away to hide."

Edward sighed, "Is that what this is about? You think it was easy for me to do that?" Edward waited for me to reply, but I said and thought nothing. Edward crouched down in front of me and I looked away.

"Jazz, I had years of experience to draw on back there to help me do that. I picked out his mother's thoughts almost immediately. She was frantically looking for him as well. I focused on that and the thought of what she would feel if her little boy did not come home. That gave me the strength I needed to see them reunited," Edward said.

I stayed silent. "Jazz, please do not give up. I know how hard it is; believe me I know what you are going through. I have been there, where you are right now. I know you have the strength to do this and succeed. I believe in you, Jazz."

I stayed quiet for a long time, but finally sighing. Edward was right.

'Sorry,' I thought.

"You did well back there. Better then I did my first time encountering humans," Edward said.

Edward stood up and extended his hand to me. I grabbed his hand and he helped me up.

"We will go hunting and I will tell you all about it, but first we should collect our things from the hotel."

"I thought you wanted to spend the night here?"

"If we are going hunting, we might as well head toward St. Paul." I nodded but felt bad. I had screwed up Edward's plans.

"Jazz, stop. You cannot blame yourself for everything that happened here tonight. No one got hurt and we will just be in St. Paul a little earlier then planned," Edward said.

I nodded, 'Sorry can't seem to help it at the moment.'

We hunted deer, not my first choice but they were plentiful in the area west of Milwaukee. As we hunted Edward told me about the first time he had encountered humans after his change. He had told me that it had happened during a hunting trip. As they were scouting out the area he and Carlisle had come across a group of hikers.

"Carlisle wrestled me away from the area and eventually threw me face first into a creek. I got water up my nose and my face was covered in mud, which woke me up from my bloodlust haze. We were just lucky that the hikers thought it was a couple of bears fighting," Edward said.

I could not help but laugh at the thought of Edward with a face full of mud.

We walked for hours laughing as Edward recounted stories of his and Carlisle many hunting trips. Silence filled the air as Edward finished another hunting trip story.

"Thank you," I said. "What are you thanking me for this time?" Edward asked confused.

"For not giving up on me earlier today and for not letting me do something I would have regretted," I said.

Edward stopped us and pulled me into a tight hug.

"I love you, Jazz. I will always be there for you."

"I love you too, Edward."

We released each other and when we turned to continue our journey we realized we were on the outskirts of St. Paul. I held onto Edward's left hand.

"Are you ready?" I asked.

He looked at me and gave me a small smile.

"You know I will be by your side the whole time," I said.

"I know. I am still worried that he will send me away," Edward whispered.

I pulled Edward into a tight hug and whispered into his ear, "It will be ok, I promise." I finally gave Edward a 'nudging' of confidence to help.

"Thanks, Jazz," Edward smiled.

We ran the last few miles to the house and slowed when we emerged from the clearing. There were a few lights glowing on the first level of the home. It was a small two story farm house painted white with green shutters and a large wrap around porch. It was set in a clearing surrounded on three sides by the forest; the front of the house was open to a large lake.

I gave Edward's hand an encouraging squeeze as we reached the front door. Edward looked at me before releasing my hand. I nodded further encouragement. He stepped forward and knocked on the door, and then stepped back. I saw him drop his head and close his eyes. I felt waves of nervousness and small spikes of panic rolling off of him. I did my best to send him waves of calm, but it seemed to have little effect on him. I could hear movement within the house. There were two distinctive sets of foot steps. One was soft and delicate, most likely Esme. The second set was also soft but sounded firmer, most likely Carlisle. They grew slightly louder as they near the door, the difference in sound would have been unnoticeable to human ears.

The door opened and there stood a young looking male vampire with blonde hair and golden eyes. Standing immediately behind him was a beautiful female vampire with brownish hair and golden eyes. Her frame was delicate and her face gave her a motherly glow. I took in their emotions which at first were guarded and as their eyes fell upon Edward there was shock.

Edward looked up when he heard Esme gasp behind Carlisle, "Edward!"