Passages in italics have been changed since the first version of the story.


Narrator: It was not merely Michael's ulcer that bothered him, but also the abdominal pains leftover from Dr. Stein's unnecessary surgeries and Dr. Fishman's necessary corrections. Michael's medications also dulled his appetite.

Michael tried to eat his meal, but he kept enviously watching the rest of the family dining. He couldn't even have any coffee or soda because of the caffeine, nor any citrus juices because of the acidity. It was just plain water, to complement his plain food.

Even when he tried to eat quickly, in order to leave the table sooner, George Michael said, "Dad, you have to chew slowly. Remember what the doctor said?"

Michael groaned and started to hate Dr. Fishman. "Maybe I need to get a second opinion."

"Uncle Mike!" Maeby even kicked him under the table, because his constant grumbling was upsetting George Michael.

Michael apologized, then excused himself to the bathroom. "Can somebody hand me my crutches?"

GOB volunteered and beat George Michael to the job.

Michael was surprised by his eagerness to help. "Thanks, GOB."

"I'll get the door for you," GOB said, following along as he exited the dining room. They headed up the steps to the bathroom, just off the foyer, and GOB asked at the door, "You need any help inside?"

"What? No, I'm fine. Uh, hold these for me." He went inside and shut the door, locking it for good measure.

While GOB waited outside, he turned and heard Mrs. Featherbottom going to the stairs with a covered tray of food. He came closer and asked, "Where are you going?"

"Ah!" Tobias yelped like himself for a moment, before regaining the accent. "Oh, pardon me, Master GOB. I'm--I'm just, um, taking some goodies upstairs, in case Master Bluth feels hungry later tonight. This way, he doesn't have to clamber downstairs on his crutches for a snack."

Narrator: Actually, Mrs. Featherbottom was taking food to George Sr. in the attic.

"Oh." GOB watched her go upstairs, then turned around when Michael unlocked the door. He rushed back with the crutches just as Michael opened the door.

"Uh, thank you."

GOB was happy that he had done something right tonight; Michael hadn't appreciated anything else he did, and for tonight at least, GOB ached for his approval.

After getting on the crutches, Michael didn't immediately head back to the dining room. He stood there, feeling grumpy.

"You okay?" GOB asked.

Michael hesitated, glancing toward the dining room, which was still partly obscured by the Chinese screens. Then he whispered, "Do you think I could just tell them I'm tired, and go to bed?"

"You don't wanna eat?"

"No, not that stuff."

GOB offered, "You want some candy beans?" He pulled a small bag of jelly beans out of his pocket."

Michael brightened up, but asked cautiously, "They're real? They're not some trick beans, or magic beans?"

"No, they're real." GOB ate one and then gave another to Michael.

Michael tried to reach for the bag, but GOB pulled it back. "You can't have too many. It'll make you sick."

Michael chewed on his solitary candy bean and pleaded, "One more?"

So GOB gave him another one. He liked feeding Michael like this. Putting it into his mouth, brushing his fingers against Michael's lips. He wished that he could hug Michael again and not be pushed off.

Michael noticed that GOB was lingering with his touch and standing too close, so he backed up and said, "Uh, we better get back now." He turned on his crutches and went back to the dining room, while hurrying to chew and swallow before he got caught.

GOB put his candy beans away and followed him, realizing sadly that Michael would even rather go back to that awful dinner than be alone with him.


Michael slowly struggled through the rest of his dinner. Mrs. Featherbottom came back and fluttered around Michael, making comments about how healthy and pink he was, and even trying to sing Mary Poppins-esque songs to coax him to eat.

Michael looked nauseated, and Lindsay firmly told Mrs. Featherbottom to go back to the kitchen.

"Fine. I'll--I'll go see if Master Tobias has come back from work yet." To Michael, she added, "He was very sorry that he couldn't be here to welcome you home, but he had very important things to do at the office--"

"Get out!" Lindsay and Lucille shouted together.

Mrs. Featherbottom withdrew, then Michael frowned and realized something, "Was he wearing one of Tracy's maternity dresses underneath that apron?"

Narrator: He was.

Michael regretted not being fully recovered yet. "God, I'll kick his ass!"

"He might like it," Lindsay said, then looked depressed when she realized that it was probably true.

Maeby sighed, and George Michael also looked a little irritated that Tobias had the nerve to wear that dress.

Narrator: After getting out of his makeup and disguise, Tobias had the bad timing to arrive when dinner was over.

Tobias started to greet Michael enthusiastically, but Lindsay coldly interrupted with, "You're late."

"Yes, I know that," he said, and tried to make up an elaborate story about something important he had to do for the Bluth company, but Michael would not hear him out.

"Tobias, when you're done visiting your daughter, see if you can find Mrs. Featherbottom and tell her not to wear any dresses out of the attic, and that, after she's come back from changing her clothes, she should clean up all these dishes tonight before she leaves."

Narrator: Tobias realized then that George Sr. had been wrong to say that he could wear Tracy's dresses from the boxes in the attic. Apparently, to Michael, there was a difference between George Sr. wearing those clothes, and Tobias wearing them.

"Um, uh, yes," Tobias stammered deferentially. He looked pale, realizing that not only would he have to change into Mrs. Featherbottom again, but he would have to go home to get another disguise, because he could not use any of the dresses up in the attic. Also, he was not being invited to stay the night after all his housework was done. It was hell not living at the model home anymore.

Even GOB was surprised by Michael's verbal smackdown, but then again, he was also cranky because of dinner. Lucille smiled a little and raised her glass, evidently approving of Michael's choice of punishment. "That's my son."

Up in the attic, George Sr. also said, "That's my son!" even though it would be inconvenient to him for his accomplice to be occupied for the rest of the night. But George Sr. was simply filled with pride to know that Michael had some genuine Bluth ruthlessness in him after all.

GOB wished that someone, anyone, would approve of him like that.

Oscar had a momentary urge to put his hand on Buster's shoulder and say, "That's my son!" too, but Lucille saw him and gave him a death glare.

Everyone got up to leave, and George Michael fetched the crutches this time. He tried to convince his dad to relent a little and let Tobias/Mrs. Featherbottom stay the night, if only for Maeby's sake. Maeby on the other hand seemed angry at Tobias, and reluctant to spend time with him now.

GOB stared after Michael and longed to be close to him again, but maybe, given his current mood, it was not possible tonight. Michael might be more of the scolding parent this time, and not the kind brother who tolerated his foibles.


After dinner, Lucille, Oscar, and Buster decided to go home, while the others returned to the living room and watched TV.

Michael talked with his son for a little while before saying, "Oh fine. Tell him that Mrs. Featherbottom can stay on the couch. But it's just for tonight, because there's so many dishes to clean."

"Thanks, Dad."

Then Michael sighed. "I'm tired now. I'm going to bed early."

"Really?"

Before George Michael could volunteer, GOB came forward and offered to help Michael to his bedroom.

"All right." George Michael went off to talk to Tobias, while GOB helped Michael stand up and go to the stairs on his crutches.

As they walked up, GOB constantly hovered and asked, "If Tobias stays on the couch, then where do I sleep?"

"What? Oh you're staying the night? I thought you were living with a girlfriend or something."

"No, uh, I've been staying at my wife's house while she was off in the army. But what with the divorce and me losing her $250,000 seal, she kicked me out."

"Oh, right." Michael had forgotten that GOB was married.

GOB said, "So I brought my stuffs here earlier, before you got home, and I thought I could stay here for a while. I mean, I could help you out until you get better."

Michael said, "Fine, but you can't bring any of your dates here. You have to get a hotel room for that or stay at her place."

"Okay," GOB said. "But where do I stay tonight? I don't wanna sleep in the study, too close to the guy." (GOB liked sleeping in nothing but his silk robe and boxers.)

"Um, well you could tell Tobias to go stay up in the attic." Michael figured that George Sr. wouldn't mind the company for once.

"The attic? You're gonna let him near Tracy's clothes again?"

"What? Oh." Michael frowned.

GOB opened the bedroom door for him, then got out of the way. "I know. I'll go stay in the attic tonight. All my stuffs are already there."

"Really?" Michael wondered how George Sr. had managed to hide from him. "Wait, GOB, don't go."

GOB came back and looked hopeful. "Yeah?"

Michael said, "Come here and close the door."

While GOB did that, Michael hobbled to the bed and sat down, putting his crutches aside.

GOB sat next to him, as close as he dared.

Michael asked, "When exactly did you put your stuff in the attic?"

"This morning. But I found some weird things lying out--like, a table, a tea party set, and some dolls. Maybe Tobias was messing around with everything in the attic."

"Oh yeah. You didn't actually see him, or anybody else there?"

"No. 'Cause I would have asked for some help lugging all my stuffs upstairs. I think everybody was either visiting you in the hospital or going out to buy all that food for your dinner."

Narrator: George Sr. had actually been there during GOB's move, but he was hiding inside the Aztec Tomb.

Clip of GOB moving in his "stuffs" (magic props like the Sword of Destiny, along with the toys and gadgets that he had in the office when he was president of the Bluth company) while George Sr. waits impatiently for him to go, whispering to himself, "He better not move Polly and everybody."

"Oh." Michael was disappointed, because it would have been nice if someone else in the family (besides Tobias) knew that he was harboring George Sr.

"What's the matter?" GOB asked him.

Michael considered for a moment whether to confide in his brother, but he decided against it. He said, "I-I don't think you should stay in the attic, GOB. Um, maybe you can stay in Lindsay's room. She's got an extra twin bed since Tobias moved out."

"Oh, I guess so." GOB cheered himself up by thinking that Michael was looking out for his comfort.

"All right, so goodnight, GOB. Can you turn off the lights on your way out?"

"Okay. Uh, Michael, you don't need any help changing out of your clothes?"

"What? No, I can do it myself."

"Are you sure? Even with that cast? Oh, hey, I should give you my stripper pants."

"What?"

"You know, when I used to strip with the Hot Cops. You could wear my pants and pull them on and off real easy over your cast."

Michael shook his head at the absurdity. "I can't wear stripper pants like normal pants."

"Why not?" GOB stood up and ripped off his pants, to reveal that they were stripper pants.

Michael looked shocked and blushed. Apparently GOB minded being nearly naked around Tobias, but he had no problem stripping in front of Michael.

GOB realized that Michael was not pleased, so he grabbed his pants and covered his legs. "I'm sorry. I'll go." He hurried out and closed the door, but could be heard putting his pants back on in the hallway.

Narrator: GOB had been expecting a better reaction.

Clip from Good Grief of GOB yanking off his stripper pants in front of Buster, and Buster being impressed.

After GOB left and turned off the lights, Michael sat there in the dark for a few moments, before he began undressing. As he took off his pants, he accidentally knocked over the crutches that he had leaned on the bed, and they hit him. "Ow!"

Now GOB's idea of stripper pants didn't sound so bad. He reached over and turned on a lamp on his nightstand so he could see.