Hello there! So welcome to my own, personal hell. Things are getting a little darker and a little wilder (raising the rating to Mature, me maties!). Things have gotten a little more serious and decidedly lemony? If that's not your thing, fairly warned be thee, though I'd like to think that it's tasteful. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW THIS PAIRING HAS RUINED ME. Unrated version over on Ao3 under the same penname, if you're so inclined (nothing changes, plot wise, so you're only missing out on a little more smut!). Enjoy. Constructive criticism is always appreciated!
Staring at the sea
Will she come?
Is there hope for me
After all is said and done?
Anything at any price
All of this for you
All the spoils of a wasted life
All of this for you
The Great Below, Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor
And sometimes her visions of Ren were darker than deep space. When she was conscious, Rey was able to admirably resist the temptation that doubt presented, but once she slipped into sleep, her fears were ominous and harder to ignore. It was as if all the fear she ignored, all the indecision, all the sadness, manifested within her sleeping mind and attracted him.
When she was awake, it was easy for Rey to lie to herself and say that she didn't want to think about him, that he was an uninvited guest in the inner workings of her mind, but when she was confronted with the embodiment of her curiosity, she couldn't lie.
Kylo Ren fascinated her.
Tempted her.
He was the dark side of the force that she denied, just as she was the light that he worked so hard to resist. From the far points of the galaxy, they'd been drawn inexplicably to each other. To what end, she could only imagine. For now, it was a mutual fascination that threatened to damn them both.
Master Luke and her had trained hard. Worked her body and mind to the point of exhaustion, and she was glad for it. Maybe, if she was consumed with her Jedi training, her thoughts of him would be pushed to the sidelines.
A wry smile curled her lips as she drifted off to sleep, for he'd entered her mind even as she'd sought to keep him out, her last conscious thoughts consumed with the vision of his haunting face.
When she dreamed of Ren, she saw places she'd never been, memories she'd never lived, people she'd never met, and this was no different. She was on the great First Order Star Destroyer, the Finalizer, but more specifically, she was inside of Ren's private sanctuary. The room was as stark and barren as she would have expected. No personal items. Cold and devoid of life. It was all for show, of course, this she also knew. Everything about Ren was a show, sometimes for her benefit, but mostly for his own. He was a great pretender, living out the demented former dream of a dead man.
And yet, she had pity for him—no. More than that, it was compassion. Their lives had been so different, their personal experiences at opposite ends of the spectrum of experience. And yet, the Force had drawn them together for a specific reason, whether they liked it or not.
His spine straightened as she walked closer. She was sure he'd known the instant she'd stepped into his mind, but other than his slight reaction, he made no move to acknowledge her. Seated facing away from her, he barely seemed to move, barely seemed to breathe; it reminded her of when she'd woken in the interrogation room as he'd quietly watched her sleep. This time, she observed him without reserve. His helmet was in place, guarding his face and humanity from her. It had been nearly a week since the last time she'd had a vision of this dark warrior, not since the last time he'd left her...
And it seemed as if he wasn't ready to forgive her for offering her strength—offering her light. If this was the game they were playing at, Rey decided to see what she could learn about him—and how far he'd let her push.
Rey felt his eyes on her as she trailed her fingers along the cold, metal walls. Would her fingerprints remain when she no longer did? How much of this was tactical? Judging from their previous encounters, things could be considerably tactile.
His lips. His taste. The press of his hands. His hard body against mine. His heat.
Thoughts of their encounters entered her mind, unbidden, but tempting. She could feel the color rushing to her cheeks, feel the way her pulse began to race.
Shoving her emotions down, she asked, "Are you going to sit there all day, or are we going to deal with this?"
For a moment, she thought he hadn't heard her, but finally he rose and turned towards her, his mask an effective barrier between her understanding and his emotions.
"So it's Kylo Ren today, then?" she asked, gesturing to the mask.
"It is always Kylo Ren," came the faintly disembodied reply.
Rey raised her eyebrow. "Is that so?"
He was such a bad liar. Somehow, she knew that he'd always been this way. When he was young, he'd been angry at his parents. The reason was the same as always, they couldn't stand to be near each other for too long and neither was willing to sacrifice their personal lives to dedicate themselves to their son.
So he was left in the capable care of droids and eventually his uncle.
When all he'd ever wanted had been their affection.
But before his final abandonment, he'd been a boy, and he'd enjoyed the attention getting to trouble brought him.
Base to base, he was a military brat through and through. Base to base, he was a military brat through and through. Most of the other kids avoided him because he was General Leia'sson, but he knew it was more than that. He frightened them, all except for one girl. The only friend he'd had on base. He'd always been curious, but it was a curiosity that bordered on cruelty. Taking apart machines to see how they worked, testing the limits of the droids that were programmed to care for him, reaching out with the force to see how peopleworked. And once, only once, he'd reached out to a young boy on base who'd been foolish enough to test his limits and take the one friend he had from him.
Ben, as he was known, force choked the child so badly that he'd died.
It was the final straw. He'd lied through tears, said that the boy must havechoked on his food, but Leia had known. His mother had always known when he was lying.
And then he'd been sent to Luke, where Ben had died and Kylo Ren had been born.
Now only Snoke could perceive when he was lying... Snoke and...
A scavenger.
Rey was overwhelmed by his sadness and his anger. It was tangible, even in a vision. She'd felt as he choked the life out of that now faceless boy, the heartache when his mother sent him away, the disappointment in the limitations of the Jedi. And then his thoughts turned... to her.
Her face.
Her body.
The way she scrunched her face when she smiled.
Her fierce intelligence.
Her devotion.
And then, his thoughts darkened. Lust and desire warred within him, threatening to overwhelm his orders from Snoke—threatening to force him to forsake everything he'd worked for. Everything he'd become, and everything he had yet to become.
For a girl.
A scavenger.
Suddenly, her thoughts were her own, and he looked up at her through the darkness of his mask.
"You hide yourself from the galaxy in that thing, but that's your intention, isn't it?" You hide yourself from me, is what she wanted to say, but she was sure he knew that.
Ren's head cocked to the side slightly, considering.
"Take it off," Rey demanded, lowering her head level to his own.
"And what will I get in exchange?" he asked, his mask twisting his words into a mechanical sounding approximation of the voice she'd gotten used to. The voice of the man who'd been Ben Solo.
"Get? You get the pleasure of my company and all that entails!" she spat, angry that he'd denied her.
Make him take off his mask. The thought came into her mind, dark and unbidden.
But how could she? If she drew any closer, he'd divine her intent, but maybe... The element of surprise could work in her favor.
Rey cocked her head, mimicking Ren's own look, before she slid onto his lap.
And Ren froze. Hands at his sides, body stiff, and utterly silent.
He'd touched her before, very nearly possessed her, and yet he denied himself now. He was a walking contradiction and one that Rey felt compelled to unravel. Sliding forward until they were chest to chest, Rey stared into his eyes and smiled. It was not kind.
"Take. It. Off," she grated. She could tell his heart was beating furiously, that he was tense with the effort to keep his hands to himself, that he was willing his body not to respond.
This was a game she would win, Rey decided. No matter what she had to do. It felt necessary as if getting him to take off that stupid barrier was integral to her success.
My success...? She was trying to win him back to the Light, wasn't she? Why else would they be connected like this?
Ren made no move to obey. Just stared forward, face trapped in that cold, dark mask and pretended like his personal barriers weren't shattering around him.
Rey leaned in while sliding her hands up along his strong arms. Her hands teased at the collar of his shirt, almost as if she were considering taking off the mask herself, instead her hands pulled back and she swore he took a breath to calm himself, even while he pretended that she had no effect on him.
Rey smiled, this time it was devious. Leaning back, she slowly slid her jacket off, letting it pool on the floor behind her.
Ren realized too late what her intentions were though she wondered if he'd have done things differently had he known. And part of her knew, he'd have done nothing, just sat there while he allowed her to drive him half mad with desire.
"You're afraid of me," she accused while her hands rose dangerously close to the buttons of her shirt.
"I am afraid of nothing. You are nothing," he assured her.
"Oh?" Rey popped a button. Then another. And another. And Ren continued to look forward until even his dark reserve couldn't resist the temptation.
Rey disrobed herself and it disarmed Ren. She had power over him, they both knew it, and he was wise to resist her because she had no limits and no shame. She'd never had any use for either and growing up on Jakku hadn't allowed for it.
She slid her shirt back and off of her shoulders. Only her bindings remained, but she made no move to remove them. Instead, her hands trailed over the plains of his chest, insistently pressing into hard muscles as his breaths became more erratic.
"Tit for tat, Ben," she goaded. "Take it off."
And, with trembling hands, he reached towards his mask.
A thought flashed through Rey's mind, unsure—what exactly was she playing at here? She wasn't sure, but she knew that it mattered that he look at her with his own eyes. That she'd do whatever it took to force him through the barrier he'd erected between them.
His fingers fumbled with the releases of his helmet before, with a hiss, it disconnected. He sat there, motionless again, so Rey reached out and lifted it off. It was so heavy and cold. As it fell to the ground, a dead weight, she felt relief. The burden of that contraption would be a constant reminder to its wearer: This is where you belong. This is your duty. This is your commitment. This is the only way.
And now, he stared at her, eyes raw and exposed. A thin layer of sweat misted his hairline, from the helmet or her? Rey was willing to bet it was the latter, but he'd never admit it. Not unless she pushed. Not unless she was determined. Rey's fingers curled into his dishevelled waves, not so gently tugging his head back to expose his neck.
"See? Isn't this better?" she asked as her lips trailed along the column of his exposed throat.
"You came to sway me then? Since when does light side training include seduction?"
"Am I seducing you? I thought I was nothing," her teeth scraped as her lips soothed. Ren visibly swallowed as her touch became more sure, more insistent.
And, finally, her teeth clenched, rasping against his skin in an erotic caress and Ren exploded. Rey was thrust off of Ren by the full force of his powers, but instead of the anticipated pain, she hovered against the wall, the press of his power against her body tangible, but not unpleasant.
"You play games with forces you can't possibly control, scavenger," he hissed, eyes mad with desire and delirium. His body was seething with barely contained power. He was as bad at controlling his emotions as she was. It was all or nothing with Rey, all or nothing with Ren as well. Never a measured in between, though her emotions channeled into positive outlets, he'd allowed his to lead him down the path to the dark side.
Rey tried to move, but was immobilized by his power. It was her fault. In searching to expose his weakness, she'd left her own mind unguarded. Even in a dream, Ren was powerful. Even in a dream, he could influence her thoughts. Even in a dream, he was dangerous.
And yet, she didn't fear him.
Hate him? Often.
Desire him? Frustratingly yes.
But fear him? No.
Eventually, he loosened his hold on her and she slid to the ground.
"Supreme Leader Snoke wants you." He said the words as if it were the only reason he'd pushed her away. Rey wondered whether he was using his master's desires to supersede his own.
"And what do you want?" The question visibly started Ren. With her, the emotions he'd worked so hard to control were overwhelming and ever present. He could hide nothing from her, not without his mask. Not his jealousy. Not his possessiveness. Not even his abhorrent kindness.
Ren stalked towards her, motions jerky and impassioned, as if his feet had started the motion of his body before his mind could catch up and remind him as to why being close to Rey was a bad idea.
Rey was still as Ren reached for her, the expression on his scarred face dark and haunted.
"I want to keep you..."
Rey looked up into his dark, fierce eyes.
"You wouldn't know what to do with me if you had me." It sounds cruel, even to her ears, but it seems necessary.
But Ren's lips curled into a small smile, as if he'd been thinking exactly the same thing. And then, his mood changed. His hand still shook, but this time it was Rey's breath that caught as Ren lifted his fingers to the tie of her bindings and pulled. Gently teasing the wraps from her body, he exposed her to his dark gaze.
"Tat," his deep voice caught on the word, could barely form it.
Rey choked out a laugh. She'd meant to push him out of his comfort zone, but she'd not thought of what would happen if he pushed back.
"The dark isn't what you think it is, isn't what you've been taught," he said softly, seeming to choose his words with great care as his gloved hands trailed a maddeningly slow path up along her abdomen, to the curves of her breasts.
Though she'd anticipated having to call his bluff, she hadn't expected him to turn the tables on her. As much as they'd tempted each other, she'd always thought that she would be the instigator. The friction. The shock to his system.
Not now.
"What is it, Ben?" she gasped as he none too gently rolled a pert nipple between his fingers.
"Ren. I am Kylo Ren. The dark side is everything you've ever wanted, but been denied. It is belonging. It is power. It is unquestionable loyalty. It is desire. It is the ultimate connection to the galaxy and all its inhabitants." His voice was low and deeply affecting. Rey felt herself leaning into his touch, urging him on with her breathy moans. When she tried to reach for him, she was again restrained by his power.
Look, but do not touch, his eyes seemed to say.
"You deny yourself the love of your family, Ben," she choked out as his head dipped and lips replaced hands, his tongue and teeth an erotic scrape against her sensitive skin.
"You know so little and yet the ignorant words can't tumble fast enough from your lips," he growled against her body. With a long, forceful suck, Ren pushed her to the point of pain, but Rey found that she not only enjoyed his passion, she wanted more.
"What do you know of ignorance? You keep yourself distant from me because you know you can't resist. Free me and let me prove it," Rey taunted as he caught her eye, a wicked smile curving the corner of his lips. Instead of acquiescing to her request, he denied her. Rey felt her body being turned, not against her will but outside of her control, so that she was facing the wall. The cold metal of Ren's room pressed against her rapidly overheating body and her inability to see him made her both nervous and wanting.
"Ben?" she questioned before letting out a little yelp of surprise as she was gathered against his body and pulled towards his seat. This time, he did relinquish his Force hold on her, but Rey allowed him to pull her body into his lap. With her back flush against his chest, Rey could feel the evidence of his arousal against her body.
"Enjoying the game as well?" she tried to tease, but it ended on a gasp as he slipped his hands along her knees and down the length of her thighs, splitting her legs to straddle his.
"'There is no passion, only serenity,'" he quoted the Jedi code, his voice a deep rumble against the shell of her ear. "You deny yourself at your own detriment, Rey."
Part of her knew it was true. There was enough darkness inside her that she'd felt its influence, usually in his general vicinity. They pushed each other. Pulled. Though she tried to deny it, she wished there was another way. For what balance could there be if there was only light? To deny the power of the dark side was revered as the ultimate test, but balance was an integral component to peace in the galaxy.
Darkness tempered with light.
When they were together, it felt as if it were possible, but when they were apart, the impossibility of their desire weight heavy on her shoulders.
Murder.
Traitor.
Liar.
Names. Emotions. Truths. But never sufficient to describe him. Never sufficient to describe the overwhelming feelings she had for him. And she wanted to feel. Wanted to be pushed over that edge, but she wanted him to come with her.
It was a blasphemous thought. The light and the dark worked against each other. Always had.
But maybe balance can only exist in between. The gray places that blur the edges of us all. Rey wasn't aware that she'd shared the thought with Ren until he'd slid his hand temptingly down her stomach, his long fingers worrying with the ties of her slacks.
"I won't deny my passions. Won't mute them. I won't allow the light to blind me," he assured her as the ties came free and his hand slipped beneath the fabric.
He was slow with her, careful. His touch seeking permission—which he found as she rolled her hips back and into him. Rey gasped as his fingers searched and slipped, delving into her sensitive, secret places. Giving her the pleasure that the Jedi were expected to deny themselves. Rey let her head loll back against his chest as he slowly and insistently pushed her to the edge of reason.
"The darkness is oppressive and consuming. The light is healing and comforting," she assured him as his fingers patiently worked against her body and made her feel like a traitor and a liar. Her own body betrayed her. And yet, what he did to her felt natural and right. His powers slipped though her, he allowed Rey to read his thoughts.
Passion warred with anger.
Lust with affection.
Desire with danger.
Want her. Need her. Deny yourself. Give her more. No surrender. Release. Temptation. Win her. Claim her. Save her. Make her yours. His words flowed seamlessly into her mind, making her as mad as his sensual touch.
Rey's hand flew back and tangled tight in his long, thick hair. With a merciless tug, Rey pulled his head towards hers as she awkwardly craned her neck back. As their lips met, Ren thrust, and the combined touch of his hand, lips and power pushed her over the edge. With a cry, her lips parted and Ren's tongue slipped within, patiently and thoroughly possessing her while his fingers guided her through the most intense pleasure she'd ever experienced.
Eventually, their lips parted and Rey stared, starry eyed and in completely over her head. What had started with a taunting game on her part had ended with his own game of seduction and temptation.
Imagine what we could explore together. Imagine the way I'd feel within you—fuller, thicker—possessing you more completely than you have ever known. Imagine this. Imagine more. The way I'd complete you, the way you'd complete me. The intensity of our passions combined would shake the foundations of everything we've ever known.
And as she looked into his eyes, she knew it was true. All of it. The darkness and the light. Their powers were complementary, their psyches balancing and yet—the power. She'd been taught to resist, he'd resisted that teaching. The light would deny what the dark side would embrace.
"And Snoke?" she asked as her heartbeat returned to normal, even as his fingers gently teased her, even now. Reminding her of how much more he'd like to do to her. How much more he could show her. Rey was slipping. If she didn't regain control soon, he'd take her down with him.
"If you only knew what he could show you. What he could teach you..."
It was the wrong thing to say.
Rey turned in his lap, furious. This time, she used her power to pin him as she held him close and whispered every dark and dangerous and needy thin he'd never get to do to her. What exactly was at stake in this game of theirs. How she ached for him. How, if she saw him again, she'd kiss him as she killed him, lips on his as her saber pierced his dark, cruel heart. How she'd love him if he'd let her. How she'd show him a world more precious and beautiful than anything he could imagine. How her power would make even Snoke tremble in time.
"This will never happen again," she promised. His body was still because her power held, but his eyes—his eyes knew. This would happen again. Many times. The warring of their minds played out on the battlefields of their bodies. The danger. The obsession. It would consume them both until there was nothing left.
All or nothing. There was no gray for them.
Never would be.
They were both in too deep, slipping too completely. Consumed by the raw power that they both contained but could not control.
A phrase slipped from his mind to hers.
Simple and unchecked.
And it rattled her to the core of her being.
You lie.
And her heart cracked, and the dream shattered, leaving Rey alone on Ach-to and Ren on the Finalizer. Both awake. Both broken.
And both afraid that they'd slip back into the dangerous and unbridled dream world that they both shared.
Pushing and pulling.
And utterly lost to each other.
A/N. Okay, guys. Group huddle. What the fuck? I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS, STAR WARS! Seriously, does anyone else feel like they've been punched in the gut with this pairing? With this universe? I mean, I always considered myself a fan, but this is getting downright obsessive... AND I LOVE IT. GIVE IT TO ME IN MY VEINS. Anyways, thanks for all the kind reviews, ANONS thank you as well as I can't thank you personally through messages! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'll do my best to keep at it, thought it's weirdly and randomly consuming.
The lyrics up to are from The Great Below by Trent Reznor, AKA Nine Inch Nails. SO MUCH ANGSTY MUSIC FOR THIS PAIRING. God! It's such a beautiful hell. I am not making any money from this and I should be working on actual work, but here I am.
