Can I just say I was amazed at the response I got for the first chapter! Seriously I can't thank you guys enough! I mean 9 reviews for one chapter is just amazing!
Now when I started this I had a vague idea of where I was going with it. But after reading some of the feedback, I decided to incorporate what some people were saying in regards to Severus forgiving the Marauders. Now I personally hate bullies and can assure you Severus won't simply forgive them after a certain amount of time, just like that. Having said that, this will eventually be a SeverusMarauders (minus Peter) fic. Just thought I should warn you.
On another note, although I really tried not to, I don't think I'm gonna be able to wrap this up in 3 or 4 chapters like I first thought. I was a little annoyed since I already have another two long stories to keep updating, but the response to this was just beyond what I ever hoped for. So I hope you enjoy.
'It's now or never' Remus thought to himself. Taking a deep breath he moved, alerting his target to his presence.
"What?" It almost hurt him just how cold that response was. But then, considering everything, he could hardly blame him.
"I just, they told me you were thinking of leaving". Remus shifted nervously. "That true?" He really hoped it wasn't.
"No". For a moment Remus was happy, immensely so. "There's no thinking about it, I am leaving". And just like that, Remus felt everything stop.
"Y-you are?" Severus looked at up at that. Never before had someone sounded so emotional when talking to him. Well unless that emotion was anger. That he was used to.
"Yeah".
Severus almost sounded uncertain. Not of his choice, no that was set in stone. But the way Remus looked was starting to worry him. Remus had grown pale and almost looked like he was trembling. And for once Severus didn't think it was out of excitement.
"Oh". It was strange how such a small word carried so much meaning. Just two letters and yet it summed up Remus' emotions perfectly. Shock, anger, fear and despair, all combined in a neat little package.
Severus frowned. As much as he hated the other boy for what he was, his lack of response worried him. Out of all of them, Remus had been the nice one. The smart one. He preferred the company of his books, something to which Severus could relate. Had things been different, maybe they could have been friends. Maybe even something more. Maybe.
Then again, maybe they wouldn't. For while Remus was the nice one, which considering his friends wasn't much, he was also the cowardly one. Even when he'd become a prefect, he never once dared to criticise his friends' actions. The way they bullied and tormented those they perceived as evil. It was almost ironic in a sense. They claimed to be good, on the side of the light, yet they were willing and had even carried out such actions, that even those on the dark side wouldn't dare to do. Not in a school. Not where so many innocent resided.
Despite this though, there was a part of Severus that felt he couldn't blame the other boy. What had happened was unforgiveable yes, but it wasn't like it was something Remus could control. Severus could blame Black for leading him there; he could blame Potter for rescuing him. But Remus? He wasn't so sure he could blame him for something that he himself was a victim of. A victim of the curse, a victim of circumstance just like Severus. But right now that part of him was being overshadowed by everything else. His anger, his pride, his fear; combined they prevented Severus from thinking logically. But then that's what being a teenager is all about.
"Do you…are you ever coming back?" Remus finally asked, fearing the worst.
"I don't know".
As much as he wanted to say no, something prevented Severus from doing so. Maybe it was the look Remus wore on his face; tired, distraught and resigned. They were only sixteen, forced to grow up too quickly as a result of what was happening around them. But still, Severus found himself reluctant to contribute to the pressure Remus surely faced. With being a werewolf and living in a country where his kind was persecuted at best, Remus certainly wouldn't have an easy life ahead of him. And Severus? Well despite the rumours that were told, mostly by the marauders themselves, he'd never been the type to kick a man when he was down. He may have been a slimy snake, but at least he had some honour left in him.
"Would it be okay if I wrote to you? You know, maybe sometimes?" If Severus was surprised by the question, he managed not to show it. Only just mind you.
"I guess". In all honesty he didn't expect to receive more than a single letter. One that would no doubt be filled with apologies and such. It was Remus after all.
"Great" Remus finally smiled. He looked relieved.
"Why though?" Severus wasn't willing to let the matter rest. Why would he care enough to want to contact him? Shouldn't he be happy he was leaving? It didn't make any sense.
"I just-" Remus paused to take a deep breath. "I know you hate me and I'm not surprised. The way we've acted, the way I acted, we've been positively horrific to you. I mean, I could have killed you and I wouldn't even have been aware of it!" Remus exclaimed, becoming noticeably more upset as the thought really sunk in.
'I could have killed him. Dear Merlin, he could be dead'. Remus thought to himself, unable to stop himself from trembling at the idea that he'd almost taken a life. An innocent life at that.
"You're shaking" Severus observed.
Remus looked down at himself, surprised to see it was true. "I am, yes. S-sorry I just, it only just sort of sunk in you know?" Remus admitted, feeling his cheeks flush with humiliation.
"Took you long enough". Severus hadn't meant to say it, he really hadn't. But years of practice had meant it was second nature to attack with words, whenever he was in the presence of a marauder. "Sorry" he added. He really hadn't meant to attack him like that. Not when Remus looked to be on the edge of passing out. He was looking remarkably pale.
"No, no it's…I should be the one apologising. And I am. I just, please believe me when I say I never wanted any of this to happen. I swear". Remus pleaded, keeping his hands firmly at his sides as the need to touch Severus became too difficult to ignore.
"You know you're the only one who thought to do that". Severus murmured softly. Where it not for Remus' condition, he wouldn't even have heard him.
"Do what?" Remus asked, both wanting to know and yet fearing the answer at the same time.
"Apologise. Even Dumbledore didn't ask it of them. He never even apologised himself. He knew there was a risk, it was because of him I was put in danger, yet he acted like I was at fault. Like I was the one to blame. I just…I can't stay here. Not with him. This was supposed to be the place I felt safe, at home I never have felt that way. But now? I'm starting to realise I was never safe here as well". Severus admitted, noticeably subdued. "If I don't leave, I'm afraid of what I'll become".
Remus, try as he might, just couldn't find a way in which to respond. "What do you think you'll become?" Remus finally asked.
"If I stay here you mean? I'll be made into a tool, something disposable for everyone to use as they see fit. My house…the people in Slytherin, they'll have me marked before I even graduate. Whether I agree to it or not. At best I could become a spy, just another pawn in Dumbledore's games. At worst, or maybe it'll be best, I'll end up dead". Severus explained. It was rather unnerving just how calm he seemed, as though he knew without uncertainty, that this was what his future would contain.
"What about if you leave?" Remus asked.
What Severus described, as much as Remus wished otherwise, he knew it was a very real possibility. They were taught from first year to fear slytherins. They were sneaky, slimy and downright evil, or so their prefects claimed. Destined to join the Dark Lord, to join the wrong side of the war. And Remus had never bothered to question it. He, like many others, had been led to believe only slytherins could be evil. And that gryffindors could only ever be good. It was only now that his opinion had begun to change.
Severus was a slytherin, that was irrefutable, but he wasn't evil. He was intelligent and powerful yes, but had he not been, he'd probably have died as a result of the stupid and childish pranks his friends loved to play on him. For they were indeed stupid and childish, but the pranks they played were also very dangerous. From tripping him down the stairs, where he could have suffered any number of injuries from scrapes to a broken neck. Or from hanging him upside down, where they could have dropped him on his head. It was only now, as Severus stood ready to leave forever and never return, that Remus finally begun to understand what they'd but him through. At the time he felt he could consider them pranks. Just harmless although admittedly very stupid pranks, which stemmed from jealousy and damaged pride. For that was the root of their rivalry.
James wanted Lily, or rather what she represented. She was beautiful and had more power than many of the other silly girls in their year. But he didn't have her, Severus did. James was jealous that who he wanted was friends with someone as ugly and evil as Severus. That they'd known each other since childhood, that they were best friends and nothing more made no difference. All he saw was his beauty being taken away by the beast and as the prince it was his duty to rescue her from him.
As for Sirius, well. Here was a boy so like himself; raised in a broken home, abused by the ones who should have loved him. Had things been different, had Severus been sorted elsewhere, they may very well have become friends. Or at the very least, they wouldn't have the urge to hex the other, if they were so much as walking down the same corridor. In Sirius' eyes, Severus was what his parents would have wanted. You know minus the whole ugliness and low breeding thing he had going on. After all he was a slytherin; he was powerful and fiercely intelligent. Enough so that Malfoy of all people had taken an interest in him. No doubt to further his own standing in the Dark Lord's rankings, when it was discovered he had found such a brilliant mind for them to use.
Now in Peter's case, well, he really just went along with what James and Sirius thought. In all honesty, although he felt terrible for thinking it, Remus very much doubted Peter had ever had an original thought in his head.
"If I leave I'll be happy. I'll be free".
For such a simple response, it carried a lot of meaning. For Severus, growing up in a home where he wasn't wanted, yet where he was forced to remain, was torture. He was living with the man who killed the one person he'd ever claimed to love. His mother. Who admittedly was a coward herself, but it was better to think that she once loved him than to think that no one ever cared. It was at times the only thought that kept Severus going. For at least one point in time, someone cared that he had been born. The possibility that she hadn't, that he was just a mistake that never should have been, it was a possibility Severus just couldn't bring himself to think about. Sometimes denial really was the best option.
"Write me if you must. Just don't tell your friends". Severus added. He supposed it would be nice to see Remus' apology written down for the world to see. It would be proof that for once, Severus was in the right and they were in the wrong. It was almost enough to make him smile. Almost.
"I will, thank you". Remus replied. He sounded gracious, as if he knew this was a privilege Severus was granting him. Which in all honesty, it was.
Severus was not the type to suffer fools lightly. But in this case he was willing, if only because he was curious to see what would happen. He had nothing to fear after all, his plan was already cemented. There was no harm that he could see, in letting Remus write to him once. A letter that he was sure would be filled with grovelling apologies and empty promises, promising he'd prevent James and Sirius from ever doing something so stupid again. Severus expected they'd behave no longer than a week and even that was pushing it.
Remus just didn't have the spine to stand up to them like that. He was just too afraid that they'd leave him, that he'd be left alone. Severus could almost understand. After all, Remus would quite literally have his best years in Hogwarts. For after Hogwarts, his chances for a career would be non-existent.
Severus almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
"Check, check and check" Severus muttered to himself. He raked through his belongings, what little he had to his name, one final time. Then and only then, Severus allowed himself to smile.
The last few days had been almost magical for Severus. The Marauders, most likely believing he wasn't serious minus Remus of course, hadn't even approached him. His housemates, distracted by the upcoming quidditch match, had barely even seen him let alone speak to him. And Dumbledore? Well he remained oblivious to Severus' plans, just as Severus had planned.
With one last parting glance, Severus grabbed his bag. Everything had been charmed to fit, not that he had much to fit inside in the first place. Outwardly, he looked no different from any other student heading home. Inwardly however, well he was terrified. He'd come so far, he'd made it to the day. Now he was terrified it would all go wrong. Because for him it always went wrong. Anytime he tried to be happy, fate would steal it away. But not this time. No, this time Severus wasn't giving up. They'd have to kill him if they wanted to stop him. Nothing else was going to work.
With a deep breath Severus grabbed his trunk. With one last glance around the room he nodded to himself, before exiting the room to follow the masses of students as they all headed home for Christmas. Severus couldn't recall the last present he'd received, probably one from Lily if he bothered to make an effort. But this year, he was giving a present to himself. It would without a doubt be the best present he'd ever gotten, if he did say so himself.
"All aboard!" The station master called, snapping Severus out of his thoughts. With a smile he handed his trunk over. Had he bothered to notice, he'd have seen the look of shock on the man's face.
Never before had he seen the lad smile. Oh he'd almost noticed him of course. It was hard to ignore such a young child with such a severe appearance. But when he smiled, it was as if all his problems had disappeared. As corny as that sounded. He was tempted to mention it to the lad, a bit of friendly advice as it were. But he was too quick, disappeared amongst the crowd just as he'd gotten his trunk secure.
'Ah well, I'll tell him next year'. The man made a mental note to do so. Too bad it was too late.
"Severus?" Severus looked up from the book he'd been absorbed in. Nothing wrong with getting a bit of preparation done while he had the time.
So he was quite unprepared for the sight that stood before him.
"Lily" Severus acknowledged. But it was all he did. There was no smile, no hug, no nothing that would indicate how close they once were. For as she'd once screamed at him, they were no longer friends.
"I-"
Lily frowned, pursing her lips slightly as Severus returned his attention to his book. For once she did not have his full attention and it irked her. He was the one at fault; he'd called her that ugly name in the first place. Oh sure he apologised, begged her to listen even, but she'd refused. Her friends had been right. Severus didn't deserve her kindness. Nor was she going to give it. After all she had everything she wanted now. She had friends; she even had a boyfriend who doted on her. She didn't need him. And yet, as she watched him read, she couldn't help the anger that bubbled inside her.
She didn't need him, but now it seemed he no longer needed her. And that just really pissed her off.
"I just wanted to wish you and your mother merry Christmas". Lily finally said, frowning as the boy failed to respond in turn.
"You can tell me all you like Miss Evans. But my mother is dead. She died at my father's hand. So I don't think your Christmas cheer will be of much use to her". Severus finally spared her a glance. "Goodbye". With that he turned back to his book.
Lily stood in disbelief, mouth agape and her mind blank of all thought. "S-s-she can't be, you must be lying!" She exclaimed. It was only then that she realised what she said.
"I am not the liar here Miss Evans". Severus was now looking at her, his voice colder than she'd ever heard. "Friends forever, isn't that what you always told me? If anyone's the liar here, it's you".
Lily failed to stop the sob that escaped her. "But your father? How can you return to him?"
She was desperate to know. For while the whole thing sounded ludicrous, like something from a story, Lily very much doubted that Severus was just pulling her leg. She'd seen the bruises; she'd heard the shouting coming from his house. Although she couldn't accept it, Lily knew it to be true. His father had always been a violent drunk. It's why she'd never been inside Severus' house. He wasn't above beating his own child when things didn't go his way. It didn't take much imagination to believe he'd kill his wife, if things ever got worse.
"I'm not" Severus admitted. "Now leave" he ordered. He refused to answer any more of her questions. He'd already revealed too much. It's just…she was his first real friend. It wasn't something he could just forget.
"No! I-Severus we must talk about this! We must-" Lily protested, wiping away her tears.
"I said…leave". Severus hissed; his fury evident.
There was something in his tone of voice, something dangerous. It was all too easy for her to protest, to demand he answer her. But then, as he stopped to think about it, she could no longer make such demands. She was the one to sever their friendship, she was the one to deny his attempts to make things right. She'd given up her right to care the moment she disowned him. And only now did she realise the consequences for her actions. Only now could she admit she may have been wrong.
"Very well". She felt her own anger bubbling to the surface. "Not now, but we will speak of this once we return". With that she turned and left, her fists trembling with fury.
"Not bloody likely" Severus muttered, reaching for his book once more. He could only hope there would be no more interruptions.
"We should go see him, confront him about this". Sirius turned to his friends, seeking their approval.
James as always was all too willing; Peter as always hadn't the brains to refuse. But Remus, well he just sat there.
"Moony? You coming?" Sirius finally asked, in all honesty he was a little worried about him.
"No". It was all Remus would say, it was enough to make James and Sirius nervous.
"Why not?" Peter asked, oblivious as always.
"Because it's not funny. It never has been and now it's time to stop". Remus stared at the two with unblinking eyes.
"Moony?" James asked worriedly.
"Is it the wolf?" Sirius asked. Remus had never acted like this before.
"No. It's just me". Remus said quietly. "I just, can't you leave him alone? Just for today? For me?" Remus asked, looking them in the eye.
Remus honestly didn't think they'd agree. He was their friend yes, but he had never believed himself to be that important to them. Oh sure they'd become animagus so they could join him on the full moon, but that had always been more about getting to do something, that would get them in a lot of trouble if they were caught. It had never been about helping him at all.
"For you Moony? Anything". Remus could only blink in disbelief. As opposed to their usual expressions of mirth, for once James and Sirius appeared deadly serious.
"Really?" It wasn't that he didn't trust them. He just…well he didn't trust them to keep their word.
"But just for today yeah? We'll get him when we get back from our hols" Sirius grinned. Looking cockier than ever.
"Yeah" Remus smiled. Unbeknownst to them, it was for another reason entirely. "When we get back, then you can get him" he agreed.
'By then it'll be too late. He'll be long gone' Remus smiled to himself.
He'd never be able to forgive himself for what he'd done to Severus. But Remus hoped that by allowing him his last train ride to be a peaceful one, then maybe Severus would someday accept his apology. Oh sure he hoped for forgiveness. But Remus was realistic. What he'd done, what they'd all done to him, sometimes there were things that were just unforgiveable. He only hoped Severus would be happy.
As much as Remus had wished for more, he knew he didn't deserve it. It was because of his own cowardice that he'd lost his chance. His curse had only ensured his chance would never come again. Or so he believed.
That's the thing about living in the magical world. Sometimes wishes just might come true. As long as you believe. Of course, Remus wasn't the only one with a wish.
Thanks again for all your support and I would really appreciate it if you would review this chapter as well. I'd love to know what you all think.
KB
