November 13, 2005
2:23 p.m.
I thought, maybe, if I puffed out my cheeks far enough, my face would explode. I made a rather unintelligent bet with a friend that I could manage it before he could finish his Mountain Dew Slushy. I passed out and he got severe brain freeze. We both ended up in the nurses office with only a foggy recollection of how we got there in the first place.
"Chari?" Dougie strolled into the white, peroxide smelling room and stared at me. I sat on the edge of the cot with an ice pack to my forehead and my bottom lip sticking out.
"Ello, Douglas." I imitated his English accent. He smiled and sat next to me.
"The office called me down so I could drive you home."
"Finally after all these years they've realized we are attached at the hip."
"Meh, they knew it all along." Dougie moved my hand from the ice pack and held it himself, "They've just stopped trying to separate us."
I struggled against my smile, trying to look as pathetic as possible.
"So how did you hit your head?" Dougie asked, removing the ice pack to examine my bump.
"I was trying to prove to Danny that I could blow my own face off." I explained, my eyes on my black and purple Converse.
"You really should leave that to the professionals."
"I am as close to a professional as they come."
"How many times have I told you, if the guys on Jackass can't do it, no one can."
"So you're saying, until Steve--O shoves an entire emu up his nose I shouldn't try?"
"Precisely." Dougie smiled and kissed my forehead then he replaced the ice pack. "How's Danny?"
"Catatonic." I bit my lip and glanced over my shoulder at our friend. He was kind of twitching.
"Huh." Dougie looked at him; "Are you resisting the urge to poke him, too?"
"I'd rather stick gummy bears up his nose."
"Do you have some nose fetish I have yet to learn about?" Dougie asked me.
"Now that you mention it." I leaned forward and attempted to stick my finger in Dougie's nose. He swatted my hand away.
"Got any other weird secrets I need to know before we get married?" He stood up. I thought for a second.
"Well I guess I should tell you that I'm madly in love with you."
Dougie grinned and yanked me up by the arm. He wrapped me in a tight hug then started to the door. Just as we reached it, he turned around and ran over to Danny. Dougie undid Dan's belt and slid Danny's hand inside. Then he rejoined me and we skipped out to the parking lot.
November 13, 2005
5:11 p.m.
Dougie brought me home and simply decided to stick around for a few hours. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for him to do that, really he probably lived at my house more than his own. Obviously, I liked it that way.
"Do you have any mustard?" Dougie asked me. He was halfway into the refrigerator. I took the opportunity to get a good look at his butt before answering.
"If you can't see it, it isn't there."
"You're such a realist." Dougie backed out of the fridge empty handed and pushed it closed with his hip. "Do you believe in the boogie man?"
"No."
"Santa."
"Nope."
"I know you believe in the Easter Bunny."
"Dougie, please."
"Alright," Dougie hopped up onto the counter beside me; "But I'm making it known here and now that I believe in the Easter Bunny."
I shook my head and smiled; "Of course you do." I ruffled his hair, receiving a jab to my ribcage in response. Just as a loud shrill squeal left my mouth, my mother struggled into the kitchen, shopping bags in both arms.
"Dougie, stop molesting my daughter." She joked with a wink. Dougie cleared his throat.
"Yes ma'am, sorry ma'am." He saluted her. I rolled my eyes and died a little on the inside. My mother and Dougie were as close as if they were family, except they weren't, and my mom had zero reservations about crossing that bright neon line in between.
Dougie hopped down and took one of the bags from my mom, she smiled and thanked him.
"So what are you kids up to tonight?" She asked, setting a bag beside me. I peered into it, reaching down to retrieve a box of animal crackers.
"Well, mother dearest, we figured we'd go out with the bitches and smoke some crack." I answered nonchalantly. Dougie snorted and I looked up to see my mom's infamous 'That's Not Funny, Charlotte Marie' look. I smiled; "Just kidding. Dougie's allergic to crack and the bitches scare the shit out of me." I bit the head off of a donkey and did my best to look innocent. My mother just rolled her eyes and Dougie gave me a thumb's up. I flipped him the bird just as my mother turned to look at me. Her jaw dropped and I leapt off the counter and started tucking groceries into various cupboards. I could hear Dougie laughing hysterically. My mother walked past behind me and swatted me gently on the back of the head. I gave her a look and tossed a carton of eggs at Dougie.
"So what are you two really doing?" My mom asked. She sat down at the table, making an exaggerated grunt as she did as if she were really old or something. I shrugged again and opened a bag of Oreos.
"I don't know. Dougie wha--"
"I have a date." He grinned and took the cookie out of my hand and ate it. I just stared at my empty hand with my mouth hanging open and tried to pretend he hadn't just said that.
"Oh, well now, with who?" My mother's over excitement made me nauseous. I pulled a face and pushed the bag of cookies away from me, opting for the carton of ice cream in the plastic grocery bag next to it.
"Rosalie." Dougie grinned again, licking the white frosting off the cookie. I rummaged through a drawer for a spoon and couldn't seem to find one. I cursed inwardly and opened another drawer.
"Where are the spoons?"
"Is she your girlfriend?" My mom asked. I still found no spoon. What the hell is going on here? I thought.
"Why are there no spoons?"
"Yea, going on three months." Dougie said proudly. I dug frantically through a third drawer.
"Seriously, mo--"
"Dougie I'm so happy for you, that's wonderful. Is she pretty?" My mom was leaning forward as if this was the most interesting thing to ever happen in the history of the world. I bent over to peek deep into the back of the drawer.
"Yea." Dougie sighed, I mean actually sighed; like in those old black and white romance flicks. He fucking sighed! And if that wasn't enough, he kept talking; "She's the most beautiful girl in the world."
"God!" I slammed the drawer; "Why the hell can't I find a freaking spoon?! Where are all the spoons?!" I shouted. Both my mother and Dougie looked at me. They stared, open mouthed. I just stood there and blinked. Dougie reached past me into the sink and pulled a spoon out of the strainer. I just looked at it, let out a helpless whine of a sigh and walked away. I went upstairs and shut myself in my room, turned on the stereo; and buried my head in the sand. Like a fucking ostrich. I hate ostriches.
November 13 2005
5:30 p.m.
The door to my room opened slowly, a long, low creak resonating through the house. I didn't move; my face was smashed into a pillow and I mumbled "Go the fuck away." Although I'm sure whoever was in there couldn't understand me.
"What?" Dougie laughed.
See?
He sat on my bed next to me, his back against the headboard. He didn't say anything else. I turned my head sideways to look at him.
"I said; 'Wud up, yo?'"
"Spoons really get you down then?" Dougie cocked his head to the side; "I mean, if I had known you were that sentimental about your silverware-"
"Not all silverware." I sighed; "But, yea, spoons and me, we go way back." I jerked my head to get my bangs out of my eyes; "I've been using spoons since I was just a baby."
Dougie grinned; "Now's when you pull out your slideshow of pictures of you and some spoon eating ice cream and running on the beach."
I hid my smile; "I only have one of those slideshows."
"Oh yea?" Dougie laughed; "And it's you with your Count Chocula doll, isn't it?"
I shook my head; "I traded him in for limited edition Snap, Crackle and Pop bobble heads."
"Right, so that means the slideshow only has one more option."
I averted my eyes and picked at the embroidery on my comforter; "It's me and you, Dougie." I tried to say it with as much sincerity as possible. I mean, metaphorically, I did only have the one slideshow.
Dougie slid down to lay on his back then rolled onto his stomach and swung an arm around my shoulders. "I was going to guess Dolly Parton. But you and me makes much more sense." He wriggled closer to me and lifted his head to kiss my cheek; "You're right, it's you and me. You and me till the wheels fall off."
Oh, Dougie, if only you knew.
