DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ROOKIE BLUE

It was sticky and hot. Summer in Toronto could be blistering. Just another half mile or so and he would be at the Barn.

Sam picked up his pace. He had a place to be. He had a purpose in his new role as detective. It was all clean, simple, sterile and on track. It was all moving forward and that was what he needed.

He had no worries. He had an iced green tea, low on the sugar, waiting for him thanks to Oliver.

It had been an uphill battle, but he had somehow managed to yank himself to some kind of normalcy and happiness again. He had been in really rough shape seven months ago. It had been brutal actually.

Jerry's violent death took its toll, and he all but destroyed Andy in his descent to rock bottom. He had pushed her away callously.

And then a month later, he was punched straight back into reality when Andy held an explosive in her hands!

He remembered closing his hands over her sweaty, shaking ones when she held that grenade. All he knew at that moment was that without her, there was no life for him.

He had been pushed into a corner, forced to confront the true depth of his emotions and tell Andy that he really, truly loved her… God it had been so hard for him to say those three profound words.

Later he had gone one step further by expressing his remorse and his desire to make it work with her at any cost. He was up to anything, because he desperately needed her to bring back colour and joy to his newly empty, dreary and lonely existance.

But that was six months ago and so much had changed.

Namely she had left. He had gone to her hat in hand, and all but begged for her to give him another chance to prove himself and his love, and she had left. She had walked away without a sign or a word or some kind of message to him.

To add salt to the wound, he had had to find out the next day from Callaghan of all people.

Admittedly Luke had been straight up and told it like it was. He didn't seem smug or to glean any real pleasure from imparting the news. But Sam still wanted to punch the guy in the face.

He caught up with Peck later that day, and she looked kind of pistol whipped too. She tried to hide it behind her ice cold veneer and fifty shades of sarcasm of course, but he could tell she was completely shaken.

As for him, if he thought his life was cold and bereft before Andy left, it became a dark, depressing and torturous storm for a month after.

He was left to pick up the tattered pieces of his life somehow. Dammit if she had only given him a sign. If she had given him any hope that she wasn't firmly slamming the door on them forever, he would have had something to work with.

But nada, zilch, rien, nothing was not a lot to go on. Nothing meant something. He knew it. It meant she had considered this assignment and this opportunity more important than him. It meant that her plans and her job took priority over salvaging their battered relationship.

It meant it was over and she wanted no more of him or them. That is what it meant.

He had no choice but to slowly, slowly begin rebuilding and patching up his torn self. He became a detective. He had attained the rank years before, but had really preferred to either be transferred to Guns and Gangs or stay on patrol.

With Jerry gone, Nash still a rookie detective and Callaghan off to bigger, better challenges, they really needed to fill the gaping void.

He padded up his detective rank with some night classes and slipped into the spot with ease. He was actually finding it more tacticle, hands on and exhilarating than he expected. It was giving him some verve and drive again.

Working with Nash was kind of interesting too.

He would never actually verbalise it, but he did feel an unspoken commitment to Jerry to look out for her. She was smart, perceptive and eager to learn. Not too unlike McNally that way.

It sucked that her very presence made him think of McNally, but it was also pretty cool that her very presence made him think of McNally. Heck, she probably thought the same things about him and Jerry.

He and Peck only ever spoke about work, neither of them willing to admit the full velocity of their sense of abandonment.

At times he could see in her nervous glances that Peck had an unfounded fear that perhaps things had taken a turn with Andy and Nick.

After all, working together like that could be intense and raw. When you had to live and breathe each other every day like that, one thing could lead to another.

It stabbed at his heart too, but what could he do about it really? He was pretty certain that was not the reality. He knew McNally. She would never knowingly hurt Peck like that.

She might have no allegiance to him anymore, but she and Collins still owed Peck something.

He buried himself in work, nose to grindstone for four months. Working hard, working out, partying little and keeping level headed. He didn't have time for people outside of work, except for the occasional beer with Shaw and Best.

But still he was lonely and craving some kind of physical and intellectual contact. He had to face it, McNally was gone, and he was just plain out of hopes and dreams.

Marlo sort of came along right then. She started at 15 two months ago. There were no fireworks or anything. It was pretty much the usual platonic jesting and joking between colleagues. But then last month they kind of fell into a pattern. A comfortable pattern.

He had to move on after all. He had no reason to wait. He had nothing to hold out for. So why was he holding out?

He had no choice but to go forward. He might as well jump! He liked Marlo and enjoyed her company. It was smooth and uncomplicated. No pressures or fear of failure. It was straighforward and simple, just what he needed.

She was attractive and she made him laugh. She wasn't demanding or emotional. He wasn't plagued with qualms about her out in the field.

On the surface it worked, but Sam didn't allow himself to dig deeper into the crevices of his heart. He didn't scatch below to the parts of himself he knew still longed for Andy. He had to let go and this was part of the process of letting go.

He couldn't deny however that while kissing Marlo might be pleasant, it hadn't made him stop craving Andy's hungry lips and overwhelming passion.

The physical between them was good, but he would be kidding himself, if he said it came close to the explosive sparks that always flew with Andy. Their chemistry had always been intense and fiery.

Their hunger for each had never been anything short of insatiable. But passion like that only came by once in a lifetime, if you were lucky. He had been that lucky, but it was over now. He just had to accept it and move on.

It had always been so easy, scintillating and magical to make love to Andy. Yet he had failed to make so many other relevant connections with her. Perhaps that was the root of all their problems.

Perhaps if he had, it would have helped him keep their relationship from screeching to a grinding holt! But Goddamit, he had offered to do just that before she scrambled out of town on that fricking task force.

That door was closed. It was in the past. The present was now and the present was Marlo. These were not issues that existed with Marlo and he doubted they ever would.

His heart was not invested. Sure he cared about her. He had had feelings for every woman he had been involved with to some degree, except of course for those few one night stands in his salad days.

Right now for Sam it was all about making adaptations if he wanted to avoid being alone his whole life.

He owed himself and Marlo a fair chance.

He smiled now as he handed Marlo the twenty bucks he owed her. She had predicted Frank's call spot on. With Andy he would have won a bet hand's down. Only because she always got so flustered and over thought everything. It was really adorable when she got like that…

He sighed as he made his way to his office. He was more than ready to pour himself into the mountain of cases he and Traci were submerged in. It kept his mind from wandering and his focus where it needed to be.

But there was a strange energy and vibe to the day. He knew something was up.

He kept his cool reasonably well when he made the immediate connection between Blackstone, McNally and Collins. He knew where she was of course. Being wily, resourceful and stubborn as all hell had its perks.

He couldn't do anything with the information, but at least he knew where she was, and that brought him some kind of calm.

He kept the tightest of expressions and stances as he said "McNally and Collins", but an uneasy stab hit the pit of his stomach. He felt his heart beat pick up and the vein in his neck begin to throb.

He wasn't going to like what Blackstone had to say he knew it.

"What!" He exlclaimed in disbelief a moment later.

"You put two UCs in the middle of a turf war!" Was Blackstone out of his mind? What the hell was he doing throwing Andy and Nick into a sham like that? Christ if so much as a hair on her head was touched, he'd….

"Your officers are fine," Blackstone waved them off. He rambled on about them getting out of his way and left. Frank reluctantly acquiesed.

The thing with Sam though, is that rules and orders didn't always gel so well with him. Definitely not now. Definitely not where McNally was involved.

It didn't take much to muster the troops. Heck even Marlo signed up, no questions asked. Well almost no questions asked. Good thing Nash took the lead on that answer, as he wasn't sure he could quite explain this one without her cottoning on to something.

An hour later they were back in Blackstone's face. When he sheepishly revealed that he had lost contact and sight of both Andy and Collins, Sam couldn't contain himself or his emotions anymore. No bloody way he was about to stand back when she was out there somewhere in a hazardous situation.

This time there was no stepping aside.

There was adrenalin, fear, determination anger and an overwhelming urge to find his McNally. His McNally. God dammit she was still under his skin, in his heart and saturated in his mind.

He managed to stay focused and in the moment, but he couldn't allow himself to panic. Not now. It came to this; he would always worry about her; he would always think of her… he would always love her… shit!

When his phone rang and he heard her voice, some kind of relief gushed through his body. She was alive.

"McNally!" He said, the relief seeping into his voice.

"Where are you?" He needed to know where she was. He needed to keep her safe. His mind was racing.

"I'm fine, thank you," there was a slight muffle in her voice. Did she let out a sob? Why the heck wasn't she answering his question? Was she okay?

"No, where are you?" He pressed her. Christ didn't she know the danger she was in? He had to find her. He could barely process the thought that she had called him first. She had other obvious choices, Blackstone, Best, Callaghan, but she came to him… first.

'I'm there when it matters.' He had told her two years ago, and dammit did it matter now.

She was calming down, getting real, giving him the vital information he could use. He heard noises, scuffles, Nick's voice calling out to her.

"We gotta go. I gotta go-" She exclaimed and she was gone… again. He could still hear muffled noises and voices.

He felt fear ballooning up in his gut. "McNally," he called into the phone. Then again "McNally." She was gone.

As he drove to find her, his mind was a shambles, racing with thoughts and memories of her.

He kept thinking of her giddy laughter. God he had never grown tired of that silver lilting sound. Her smile. She was so unbelievably beautiful when she smiled. He remembered the first time she flashed him a full smile. It was at Emily's disheveled apartment over three years ago.

Her silly, awkward unease when she waffled nervously away about whatever was on her mind.

Her earnest wide eyes when she came to him that night at The Alpine and implied she had nothing better to do for the next few hours. There had been incredible magic and heat between them that night. He could still recall the way her body felt as he explored it completely for the very first time.

The silkiness of her skin, the tickling of her hair on his chest, the softness and ardour in her…. it was always there, every single time they were together. He hadn't forgotten any of it. It was all there, just below the surface.

As he stormed into the shipping warehouse with the swat team, he had one thing on his mind. 'Find McNally'.

Five minutes in and he found the storage container. He kicked at the door and it released. It slammed back down immediately. Someone was in there. She was in there. She had to be. He called out to her somehow containing his fear and anticipation.

"McNally."

"Are you in there? Open the door." He steeled himself. There had been so many doors between them in their journey together. It all began with a door. The door she bust open that very first day they met.

In true McNally style she came crashing into his life that day.

This time it only took a moment before the door slid open. She was crashing into his life and heart again. He knew it.

She came into full view, standing right before him. She looked so young, so dishevelled, so pale, so shaken and so beautiful.

She was breathing quite hard, obviously with the fear coursing through her body.

He locked eyes with hers. He just needed to look at her. He just needed to drink her in and know that she was alright. How was it possible he he had thrust this dazzling creature from him? Had he really let her go all those months ago?

She was here, safe and well. She was vital and alive. It made him feel incredible and invicible knowing he had found her. The first twinges of a smile tugged at his face.

Her face caved into a smile, and he knew to his core, without a single doubt that she had wanted him to be the one to find her.

His face crumbled into a complete smile then. He felt like a six-year-old boy in a candy store, but he didn't care. He was elated and relieved that she was alive and standing there before him.

He became aware of Nick's presence then, standing guardedly to the side and behind Andy. He looked like he wanted to protect her. He had to love the guy for that.

His eyes crept back to Andy's.

"Hi," she managed in some kind of diminutive voice. Sam knew this was deep. They had been through too much for him to underestimate this.

"Hi," he replied tenderly. He wanted her to hear the tenderness in his voice. He wanted to reach out and run his fingers over her cheek. He wanted to hold her face to his chest, so she could hear his thundering heart. He wanted to scoop her up and take her away from here, away from all of this.

"How was your trip?" He asked softly. The words came to him easily. They were loaded with innuendo.

"Good," she replied weakly. He could see the tears welling up in her eyes. She still cared Goddamit. She could deny it all she wanted. She still cared for him.

"Good," he repeated softly and calmly under his voice, maintaining eye contact. He knew she was garnering strength and calm from him right now. For all their angst, he knew that she had often relied on him to bring her calm.

"How are you," he asked searching her face.

"Great," she replied, a slight crack to her voice. She looked ready to collapse, but he knew her. She was strong and lion hearted. She wouldn't collapse now. Later maybe, but not now.

"It's good to see you," she whispered, looking deeply into his eyes. For a fleeting second his heart surged with the same feeling he had when she told him she loved him.

"Glad to have you back," he smiled at her. If only she knew how much he meant that.

"Me too," she smiled as she walked shakily past him.

He was feeling young and heroic. He was at the center of a storm that had unfurled and abated at his hands.

He could feel her eyes on him. She kept watching him. He knew intrinsically that she needed his reassurance and his physical presence. It made him feel vindicated.

He gave her confident assured smiles and looks. There was so much going on though. So much buzz and commotion and he had to be on top of it. He couldn't give her his one hundred percent attention, much as he wanted to.

He couldn't allow himself to delve into what it all meant. He wasn't even angry at her for leaving anymore. Instead he just felt like a part of himself had centered itself again.

That look in her eyes; the sweet smile and the soft expressions. He knew it meant something, but he couldn't go there right now.

He approached her now; she was looking at him with such happiness it stunned him.

"Okay," he refocused as he told her and Collins they'd go back to the station to debrief.

"Mmhmm," she smiled and looked at him again as though he was the only person in her world right now.

Blackstone arrived. Cruz was with him. Shit Marlo. Of course she knew about him and McNally. He had given her scant details. She didn't know the half of it, but she knew enough to know it was serious.

He couldn't think straight right now; Andy was smiling at him again. He wasn't so stupid that he didn't know that was the look of a woman who still wanted him. Christ!

He had seen that expression on her face numerous times over the past year. It was there when he had asked her to stay with him at the undercover apartment two years ago; when he asked her if she wanted to try being normal with him; when she took his truck keys for the first time; when she told him she loved him.

Marlo interrupted them. She looked slightly uneasy. She turned to look at him as she walked behind Andy. He smiled at her. It was a more restrained and uncertain smile than those he had given Andy earlier, but he owed Marlo something.

She was the present and Andy was the past. Right now it was all about making adaptations. He owed himself and Marlo a fair chance. He couldn't shut Marlo down now, just because Andy was back. She deserved better than that.

Andy was still experiencing the sweet blush and relief of being found unharmed. It was a perfectly normal reaction for her to appear so smitten by the one who had saved her.

He couldn't allow himself to read more into it than that. His heart was healing but still scarred. He couldn't expose it to more wounds.

His mind buzzed with these thoughts as he drove to the precinct. She was just back. She didn't know where her head and heart were.

Besides, while those magical moments with Andy back there seemed to be infused with meaning and unspoken hope, he was just too jaded and disillusioned to believe there was really still a chance with her.

For better or worse Andy had made her decision six months ago. They both had to live, deal and adapt with the consequences now.

He meandered to the kitchen. He was seriously cutting back on the caffeine intake, but right now he needed a strong cup of Joe like never before.

He kept his head down, almost in fear that he might get a glance of Andy again. He couldn't waver into that silly fantasy-like place they had drifted into momentarily earlier today.

He needed to clear his head. She probably needed the same. She needed to come back to reality again, after her six month stint and the harrying ordeal of today. She would be immersed in debriefing for the next two weeks, at least, before she returned to full duty.

A few officers were at the coffee machine. Marlo was among them. They congratulated him on the take down today. He accepted the praise and accolades. Why the hell not? At the end of the day McNally was back safe and sound and that made his heart happy.

Marlo didn't leave with her colleagues. She hovered a while. It was just the two of them. That's pretty much how this thing between them had gotten off the ground to begin with. She had quietly pursued him this way.

She always made excuses to linger around him. She crept into his office when Nash wasn't there to tell him something of very little importance. She had been persistent, and it had paid off for her.

She seemed a little nervous and unsure of herself right now. He wasn't used to seeing her like that. She was normally completely unflappable. In general very little got to her. Even now there was only the slightest hint of unease in her gestures.

She had a few years on McNally. She was just two years younger than him actually. Life and experince had brought her a certain detachment, and she had a reserved confidence, maturity and sophistication about her.

Admittedly she would have had to be blind not to see the looks between him and Andy earlier.

He knew McNally would come up at some point. It might as well be now.

Andy is the past, Marlo is right now, he reminded himself as he curled his fingers around the cup.

"So McNally's back," she said, her eyes curiously pinning him down. She was standing right before him, closer than necessary. She was making a statement of some kind, right here in their place of work.

"So what does that mean?"

He looked at her. It was straightforward, sterile and highly manageable with Marlo. It was simple and uncomplicated just the way he liked it. He had gone for more and crushed himself and the one person he cherished the most in the process.

No this would do. Marlo was the present.

He looked at her and kept a smile purposely glued on his face. He needed to convince her of the words he was going to tell her. He needed to convince himself in the process.

"Nothing," he shook his head a little too readily. "It's in the past."

He had no choice but to move forward.

She giggled. She looked happy. He needed to do something, something he wouldn't normally do to solidify his statement. He needed to keep pressing this point home till it was crystallised in his mind.

He plopped his cup down and reached for Marlo, pulling her closer till her lips were within reach. He planted a kiss on her lips. He made it last. It couldn't just be a peck. She needed to know he meant what he said. He needed to know he meant what he said.

He hoped kissing Marlo would also erase his mind of the burning desire he had to kiss Andy when he saw her for the first time today. It didn't.

He pulled back after a moment. Marlo smiled at him somewhat startled. She also wasn't used to crossing the line in the work environment.

He smiled back at her, but he felt a little hollow and empty. Unknowingly he distanced himself from her a little. She looked satisfied by his remark and his action; even though he was sure a new guardedness had slipped onto his face.

With Andy back, he knew he couldn't continue this comfortable new arrangement with Marlo using tunnel vision anymore.

He felt Andy's eyes on him before he saw her. He looked up and caught the pain and bewildement in her eyes as she looked at him.

She was leaning against the door frame and looked so sad. It was that same wounded doe look she had when he asked for his keys back last year. He had let her down again. Goddamit.

He watched her silently. What could he do? He knew there were no words he could say. He had just stamped on her heart again.

He was troubled. Complication had just come storming back into his life. He would do anything to take that moment back. Reassuring Marlo had come at the highest of stakes… hurting Andy again.

He watched her walk away. He knew she would have to find out soon enough, but he didn't want her to find out like this. Not like this.

It seemed like a door had come crashing into him. It slammed closed in his face.

Although he kept telling himself it was better like this, his heart knew differently. Not only did he want that door burst open, he wanted it gone.

Goddamit.