Pretend (Ui's POV)
I don't know what exactly happened to me.
I use to not care so much about my feelings since I was happy with how things are.
Or… were.
I use to do everything for her, clean her mess after meals, clean her room when she wasn't there, even… f-feed her.
I mustn't let myself feel that way, not right now.
I-I guess I should start from the beginning.
My name is Ui Hirasawa.
And I am in love with Onee-chan.
Like I said before, it didn't use to be this way. I was content on just watching from afar like always.
Always being one step behind her.
But I understood this.
She is older after all, so that is a given.
B-But when she left for college that's when everything changed.
I couldn't stand being by myself without her there. The house was almost lifeless without her. No, it was lifeless without her. There was nothing to do. When I cleaned it stayed clean. No more mess to pick up after her. No more music flowing from her room when she practiced with Gitah.
I missed her so much and my… feelings for her were just getting stronger now that she was gone.
It was getting to hard for me to bear alone.
I know it's been effecting how I function when I am around other people.
Maybe one of them is noticing this.
Jun-chan and Azusa-chan are smart, maybe they've picked up on how lifeless I've become without Onee-chan around. Maybe they've noticed the lackluster playing I've been doing on the keyboard.
I needed to tell someone.
So I invited Jun-chan and Azusa-chan over one night.
Sadly, Azusa-chan couldn't make it.
That was fine, Jun-chan is nice, and maybe tonight she'll listen to me.
I just need to tell someone about this. Maybe then my feelings will go away.
It wasn't long before the doorbell rang and Ui quickly stopped what she was doing and went to open the door for her friend. Jun greeted her happily and Ui returned the gesture with less flare before ushering her friend into the house.
"Here, Jun-chan." Ui whispered rather lifelessly as she sat a cup of tea down in front of her friend once they sat down at the livingroom table.
"Thanks. Is everything okay Ui? You seem… out of it." Jun asked as she tilted her head slightly. Maybe Jun had noticed the changes.
After all, if she was a real friend she would have noticed the sudden changes. Being distant, rarely smiling, uninspired work with the keyboard and club activities. All of these were just a warning sign for something bigger to come.
"Hm? Oh… yeah I guess so." Ui said as she sat down slowly beside Jun before leaning against her friend for support.
Ui closed her eyes as she felt Jun put an arm around her shoulder, hugging her closer.
"If you ever need to talk, you know you can come to me about it right?" Jun asked as she smiled a little, trying to comfort the girl without pushing too hard.
Ui sighed inwardly. At least Jun wanted to listen to her. That made her feel a little more at ease. But this wasn't something she thought was proper of someone like her. But she had to get it out. Jun said she could talk to her, she won't judge her right?
"I actually have something to confess to you… and I… don't want you thinking I'm gross or weird… and I really don't want to lose you as a friend… so can you try not to think about this too much and just let me get it off my chest?" Ui asked as she looked to the side, avoiding Jun's gaze.
The pigtailed girl nodded.
"Of course Ui, I won't think any less of you. No matter what."
"Thank you… okay," Ui took a breath before continuing, "I think I'm in love with someone. Not just that, but they are a girl…"
"There's nothing wrong with th-"
"It's… not that. I'm more worried about who it is." Ui interrupted as she began to look even more distraught.
Jun tilted her head.
"What do you mean?"
"I… I'm in love with," Ui began to look down to hide the tears in her eyes, "O-Onee-chan."
Ui could almost feel the thick tension in the air. And the tears in her eyes began to flow even more. She tried to stifle a whimper as she pressed her palms to the eyes to try and stop the tears from flowing, but the silence from Jun was making things almost unbearable.
Then she heard her friend shift closer.
"It's okay Ui. We can't help who we fall in love with." Jun said softly.
"But, it's Onee-chan! I… I shouldn't-"
"I'm not judging you on who you love Ui. So you can't judge yourself, it'll just make things worse." Jun said firmly as she finally wrapped both arms around the distraught Hirasawa. "Just calm down, okay? Maybe it's just a phase-"
"N-No I've felt this way for a while…"
"A-Ah, I see. Well… if there is anything I can do to help, just tell me." Jun said as she hugged Ui tightly.
Ui heard Jun say this and her mind instantly began to formulate something. She didn't know what yet since not even she knew what was going on inside her head. But after hearing the reassuring words from her bassist friend, Ui knew that she could come to Jun with anything and her friend would always listen.
And she would always be there to help her… no matter what.
After that night, I began… thinking.
My obsession with Onee-chan had become rather, distressing, to say the least.
I wanted her like I wasn't suppose to.
I wanted to be with her in a way only a man should be with a woman.
Late at night, I'd… pretend Onee-chan did love me like that.
It was not the same as what I really wanted so I couldn't do it often without feeling ashamed for my actions.
After all, my hands can only do so much to… quell the flow of emotions within me.
It wasn't right thinking like this. Wanting someone who is related to you by blood so much that it physically hurt.
But, it couldn't be helped.
I allowed myself to spiral into a string of emotions I had never felt before and they just kept getting worse.
And when I found out about Azusa-chan and Onee-chan dating…
I almost lost it.
It's not like they hid it from me.
They were the mature ones and asked me for permission.
Like I was Onee-chan's keeper.
A-Ah, n-no I can't think like that…
A-Anyway, even though I had such strong feelings for Onee-chan, I allowed them to date.
I couldn't bring myself to say no, because I loved Onee-chan too much to deny her the love of her life.
And Azusa-chan was one of my b-best friends, I couldn't be upset with her.
R-Right?
N-No! I'm not angry with her! I… I'm just confused.
T-These feelings hurt so much.
A-After they told me, I cried myself to sleep, unable to do much but hope that, somehow these feelings would just leave me alone.
Then Jun-chan started watching over me.
Started coming over everyday waiting for me to fall asleep before she left.
I guess she was worried about me, worried about what I'd do to myself.
I'm a coward.
I could never hurt myself like she thinks I would.
But it still hurt, and I still wanted to stop feeling like I did.
Feeling angry at Azusa-chan.
Feeling… other things about Onee-chan.
There had to be a way to fix this.
Then I remembered what Jun-chan had said.
S-She said if there was anything she could do to help, just tell her.
Then that's when I had a plan.
Maybe if I can get Jun-chan to go along with this plan then I'll feel better.
She w-won't mind right?
She's my best f-friend. She'll understand like she understood my feelings about Onee-chan.
Yes, this is perfect.
I'll go to her in a few weeks once I get this plan fixed up.
Soon, I'll be able to feel Onee-chan's lips on my own.
Even if they aren't really her lips.
A few months later, when Jun came to sleep over one Sunday night, Ui worked hard on trying to think of a way to go through with her plan as she washed dishes. Jun was in the living room, reading one of her sister's manga silently while Ui had a battle within her mind and within her heart.
I can do this, I just need to ask her right? Y-yeah, everything will be just fine-
"Ui! Do you have volume eight? I finished this one already." Jun yelled from the living room as she sat against the couch reading a manga that Ui had.
Ui looked towards the direction of the yell and sighed shakily as she clutched the wet rag in her hands.
She could do this.
Jun would help her.
After all, that's what best friends are for right?
Ui frowned hard and she nodded firmly before taking off her apron and setting the rag down before wondering to the living room.
Her chocolate colored eyes watched Jun from a distance, not really noticing the look of deep concentration on her face as she slowly walked over to her.
Just kiss her. Just pretend it's Onee-chan once. That way, if she says no, at least you had that one kiss.
Ui stopped right in front of Jun before kneeling down and slowly leaning in.
She didn't notice at all that Jun wasn't paying attention, and also didn't notice the eyes go wide with confusion and hope once their lips touched.
T-This feels wonderful. I-I wonder if Onee-chan t-tastes like this…
When Ui pulled away their eyes finally met.
But Ui's eyes were clouded with lust, lust for something she couldn't have, and she still continued to be oblivious to her friend's own feelings.
"W-What was that?" Jun asked as she stared in confusion at her friend.
Ui had already made up her mind.
If she couldn't have her sister, Jun would be the next best thing.
After all, the plan was very simple for the bassist.
"Well… I've been thinking a lot the last few months, and just recently came to terms with this. But… I need to ask you another favor Jun-chan. You can help me with my… obsession with Onee-chan." Ui whispered.
Ui could feel her heart beat even faster as she waited patiently for Jun to say something. After all she wouldn't be able to do anything else if Jun said no.
"What do you want me to do Ui…"
Ui smiled more at this response.
I knew you weren't going to let me suffer, Jun-chan. You have no idea how happy that makes me.
Ui weaved her hands through that dark brown hair before leaning in to place another kiss against those lips, feeling them tremble against her own.
"Can you… allow me to pretend… you're Onee-chan? Just for a little bit?" Ui asked when she pulled away from the kiss to say this.
Ui didn't get to think of much else as she felt Jun dive in, kissing her furiously. Her mind went blank and thoughts of her sister pervaded her mind as she felt callous hands pull her clothing off as she struggled to get Jun out of her own clothing.
As they fell to the floor, Ui couldn't help but smiled more.
That night, we had sex. And I was happy.
I could finally feel what it would be like to be with Onee-chan.
We'd meet every Saturday night for the next few weeks for our normal sleepovers and we'd "pretend' all night long.
Jun-chan's hands were callous from playing her bass so they felt exactly like Onee-chan's. Her kisses were sweet too, just how imagined Onee-chan's kisses to be.
And she was very good at helping me pretend.
My mood continued to get better and better as Jun-chan saved me from the downward spiral that I had put myself into and I continued to try and think of a way to repay her for her help.
But… something had changed in my friend. She seemed to be very cold towards me recently. Rarely smiling at me, well she'd smile, but… it didn't feel right.
Even during our… sessions, something started to feel wrong about it.
Why was it starting to hurt me when we did this?
Why am I feeling bad about this?
Jun-chan said it was all right, that we could pretend, so why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?
I would find out the answer one day when Onee-chan and Azusa-chan came to visit me.
"Onee-chan? What are you doing here?" Ui asked as she allowed her sister and best friend to come inside.
The older Hirasawa smiled a little before taking off her shoes and Azusa followed.
"Do I need a reason to visit my little sister from time to time?" Yui asked as she beamed proudly before wondering towards the living room leaving Ui and Azusa near the door.
As the younger brunette closed the door Azusa put a hand on her friend's shoulder.
"We need to talk, all three of us."
Ui felt something heavy in her stomach as Azusa said this, but she nodded understandingly.
After ushering Azusa into the living room, and after getting some tea, Ui sat down at the table while the two lovers looked over the younger sibling with somber expressions.
Ui tilted her head slightly before noticing that Yui had been staring at a mark just above her collar, which made her instinctively reach up to cover it up with a hand.
"Ui, do you know why we are here today?" Yui asked as she finally snapped out of her thoughts.
"N-No, why are you here today? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm always happy to see you Onee-chan, but the visit was a surprise." Ui stated as she blushed a little.
"W-Well, you see, we're here today because… well… I need to… I mean we need to…" Yui seemed to be stumbling over her words more then usual today and it caused Ui's chest to tighten greatly.
T-They know something.
Ui then noticed a hard frown on Azusa's face before she nudged Yui slightly before turning back to Ui, the hard expression softening a little.
"We heard about something from Jun-chan the other day… and we wanted to talk to you about it."
Ui felt something deep within her.
Another emotion she hadn't felt before.
What was it?
"A-And what might that be?" Ui asked.
"W-We heard about your… sessions, the two of you have been having." Yui said cautiously. "And I heard about your feelings… about me."
Ui's confused face became blank in less then a second.
"Y… y-you know?" Ui asked.
It was getting very hard to breath now.
She felt light headed.
What must her sister think of her now?
She must hate her.
Loathe her even.
Jun betrayed her trust.
Jun told them!
Finally, Ui understood the unknown emotion she was feeling.
Anger.
"It's okay Ui." There were arms wrapped around her in a warm embrace.
Ui looked up at her sister, the rage easily melting under such a tender and understanding gaze.
"We're not upset with you. And we don't think any less of you." Yui whispered as she began to stroke her younger sister's hair slowly, helping her relax before tears began to roll down her cheeks. "But we need to talk about those feelings you have for me as well as the feelings you are unintentionally hurting."
Ui blinked more.
Feelings I am hurting? Who am I hurting?
"O-Okay Onee-chan… w-what do you want to know?" Ui asked as she allowed Yui to continue to hold her.
"First, how long have you felt this way about me?" Yui asked as she tilted her head slightly.
"A-A while. I-I think I fully r-realized when… n-no a little before you graduated." Ui replied as she looked down, ashamed to be even associated with her sister at the moment.
"I see, and do you still feel that way about me?" Yui asked again.
Ui seemed to find this question a bit odd.
"I… why would you ask that, if you know about my… I-I mean, if you know about what Jun-chan and I are d-doing, why would you ask that?" Ui asked as she frowned a little and pulled away from her sister, looking a little hurt.
"Well, you've been doing that how long with Jun-chan?"
"A-Almost a month…"
"Wow, that's a long time. Azusa won't even let me-"
"Yui, focus." Azusa warned as she frowned again.
"Ah, right, gomen. Anyways, do you know that you're hurting Jun-chan, Ui?"
Silence.
"Ui?" Yui said as she waved her hand in front of the stunned girl's face.
"…What?" Ui mumbled.
"You don't know that you're hurting Jun-chan?" Yui asked, looking very concerned.
"Just… how obsessed are you that you're being completely oblivious to Jun's feelings?" Azusa asked as she saddened at this new information.
"S-She never told me, I thought since… she did this with me that she was okay with it." Ui admitted as she looked down.
The anger she felt towards Jun for telling her sister about her feelings instantly turned into regret.
I've been hurting her? How could I have been so blind? That must be why she… she's getting colder towards me.
"If you want we can test something, this is okay right Azusa? I can… see if she still-"
"Yes, go ahead. I don't like this plan, but I won't look." Azusa said as she quickly covered her eyes with her hands and looked away.
"Huh? What test?" Ui asked as she blinked over and over again.
"I'll give you this one chance to kiss me Ui, to see if you still feel that way about me." Yui said as she smiled a little. "I mean, it's just a kiss so no big deal right?"
Ui's hear stopped.
"…You mean I can."
"Yeah! Oh, but Azusa doesn't like this idea, so if you cannot do anything else that'd be great. Not that I mind, but Azusa really doesn't-
"Yui!"
"Right right, sorry Azusa… anyways." Yui scooted closer to her sister and closed her eyes, offering her lips to her sibling.
Ui stared at the open invitation, eyes focused solely on those lips and her heart began beating even louder.
I… this is my chance. I can kiss her. I can…
As she leaned in to finally see what it was like to kiss the person she loved the most, something pulled her back, lips never touching.
No!... I can't do that!
W-What? Why? This is what I've always wanted!
N-No it's not! They said you're hurting Jun-chan! Why are you being so blind? Did you ever stop to wonder why she allowed you to… do everything you've done?
It's because she was tired of me being so depress-
No, you oblivious fool. She allowed that because… she loves you. How could you not see that? And she's hurt because all you could do was think about Onee-chan like that.
As Ui's mind battled it out, she didn't notice Yui pull back and those chocolate eyes watched as Ui frowned hard and gritted her teeth tightly before tears began streaming down her cheeks once more.
H-How could she love me?
That's a good question, after all you did to her I wouldn't be surprised if she fell out of love with you.
W-What?
In fact, she probably doesn't even want to be your friend now after all the emotional crap you've put her through.
…
"Ui?"
She was snapped out of her thoughts as Yui whispered her name. She could feel her sister drying her tears before giving her a sad smile.
"You do love her don't you?"
"… I don't know. I… I'm so confused right now. W-Weeks ago, I would have given anything to… k-kiss you Onee-chan…" Ui admitted, blushing heavily as she said this. "B-But I can't… I wanted to, but now… I'm not so sure."
Yui smiled more and pulled her sister into a firm hug.
"That's good. Because you understand I can't feel that way about you. You're my sister, and that's how it should be. You're meant to be with someone else, just like I'm meant to be with Azusa."
This caused the twin tailed girl to blush, but smile a little at how wise Yui was actually being. "You know what you have to do, Ui. You need to talk to Jun-chan. You need to fix things with her. I know you don't want to lose her as a friend… will you do that for me?"
Ui sniffled softly and nodded while she felt Yui continue to dry her tears.
"I-I'll try… what if she hates me?" Ui asked broken-heartedly.
"I doubt she could ever hate you…" Yui admitted as she hugged her sister. "I'm glad we talked about this. Now you can move on."
Ui nodded softly against Yui's shoulder as her mind began to whirl once more.
You're a horrible person Ui Hirasawa… and you're an even worse friend.
It's my fault for letting things spiral out of control like they had. I let my feelings get the best of me and in turn I hurt the one person that wanted to help me.
Jun-chan did nothing but go along with whatever I wanted.
She got hurt because I was too blind to see what I was doing.
Not anymore. I'll talk to her today, I'll apologize for being such a horrible person and a horrible friend.
But, when I called her, she just said we shouldn't see each other today.
It was just two days before our own graduation.
I guess she wanted to rest up instead of have to put up with me.
I can't blame her for thinking like that.
But I have to fix this.
Onee-chan entrusted me with this one task and I know now that my mind may still love Onee-chan, but my heart is telling me differently.
I hope I can fix this.
I don't want to lose her too.
Ui ran through the dark streets towards Jun's house. She knew that if everything was to go back to normal they had to talk.
Even if Jun didn't want to.
She felt bad for showing up unannounced but at the same time, she wanted to mend that hole that she had created within her friend's heart.
Ui skidded to a stop in front of Jun's house and looked up at the door while panting heavily.
She may have a lot of stamina, but running all those blocks was harsh on her. Once she caught her breath and calmed herself down she began to ring the doorbell.
When Jun didn't answer she decided to be persistent.
"Okay! Okay, I'm coming!" Jun yelled.
Ui heard the door unlock before it opened to reveal a rather tired looking Jun.
The young Hirasawa noticed a flash of what looked like anger in those tired eyes before she began to frown slightly towards her.
Ui swallowed a lump in her throat.
"I'm sorry, I know you told me we weren't… doing anything this weekend, but I felt…" Ui started, but Jun interrupted her rather harshly.
"I see. Fine, go upstairs and get undressed. I'll be up there in a bit…" Jun said firmly.
She really is angry with me… Oh Jun-chan what have I done to you.
Ui thought as she kept quiet and slowly removed her shoes before heading up to Jun's bedroom.
As she opened the door to the slightly messy room she noticed a few things were missing.
Pictures of her and Jun were gone.
Ui felt tears in her eyes as she slowly sat down on the edge of the bed and folded her hands in her lap.
She… really is upset with me. God I'm an idiot. I hurt her so much that, she doesn't consider me a friend anymore.
Ui sniffled softly as her shoulders shook under the soft sobs. She truly felt horrible for causing so much pain in her friend, but she would fix it tonight, or at least try to.
The door opened and as Ui looked up she could see Jun walk in, frown still plastered on her face.
"What's wrong?" Jun asked, Ui noticing the hard frown leaving to be replaced with a concerned gaze.
Hope filled Ui.
"It's about, what I've done to you." Ui whispered as she got up and walked over to Jun, placing a hand on her friend's cheek, watching with a heavy heart as her touch incited that frown again. "Onee-chan told me about what you and Azusa-chan talked about. And though I was furious when I heard they knew… I couldn't believe how much I had hurt you."
Now it was Jun's turn to look at Ui with wide eyes.
"How long have you known-"
"Not long, I heard about it yesterday." Ui whispered as she looked down. "Onee-chan and Azusa-chan came over to talk to me. Onee-chan even offered to allow me to kiss her, just once, to see if it would help me feel better."
Ui felt even more sadness when she saw anger replace the frown. She also gasped when she felt her hand get yanked away from Jun's face before pain struck her as she felt Jun clutch the hand tightly.
"Let me guess, you kissed her, it felt great, and you don't need me anymore. That's perfectly alright, I was getting tired of pretending anyways."
Ui couldn't believe how venomous those words were. It caused her to hurt in a way she never thought possible as she stared at Jun with wide eyes.
"J-Jun-ch-"
"What more could you possibly have to say! I get it, you got your wish, you can leave me alone and I'll just drift back into the background like the unimportant person that I am-"
Ui could no longer contain the hurt she felt, and it came out in the form of anger. Anger that Jun wouldn't let her talk, that Jun was assuming so much without letting Ui explain, and anger at herself for causing Jun to be upset with her.
"Jun-chan! I came out here to tell you how sorry I was. And no, I didn't kiss her!" Ui yelled making Jun go silent. "Do you even want to know why I didn't kiss her?"
Ui calmed herself down as best she could, after all, it wasn't Jun's fault, it was hers.
And she was going to fix this.
Tears began to form in the corners of Ui's eyes as she stared deep into those intense violet eyes.
When Jun nodded that's when she continued.
"I didn't kiss her because I couldn't stop thinking of you… I couldn't stop thinking about how you had helped me; you went through so much emotional pain because I was being selfish. All because I wanted to be with Onee-chan, but I couldn't. And for that, I'm so sorry." Tears were once again coursing down her cheeks. More then when she confessed her feelings about her sister to Jun, and even more then when Yui helped her realize that she no longer felt that way about her own sister.
"I-If you hate me… I can u-understand. I hate myself right now." Ui admitted as she sobbed softly. "I caused you so much pain and I didn't even realize it. G-Gomen ne, Jun-chan. Gomen n-ne."
Ui didn't even notice Jun's tears, didn't notice until she heard a soft sob before arms wrapped around her tightly and her friend buried her face into her shoulder.
Ui felt Jun shaking almost violently against her before the two of them slumped to the floor, cradling each other while they sobbed painfully.
Ui whimpered softly as she stroked her distraught friend's back, trying her hardest to soothe any pain she caused.
She had to know if Jun could forgive her for all that she had done.
"C-Can you e-ever forgive me? I… I can understand i-if you c-can't…" Ui asked through the painful sobs that kept trying to interrupt her.
"N-No, Ui. O-Of course I forgive you. I j-just… hated seeing you like that. I wanted to help… e-even if it m-meant sacrificing my own happiness." Jun whispered as she sniffled softly.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that… you liked me like that." Ui whispered as she put her forehead against Jun's as she stroked the violet-eyed girl's cheeks tenderly with her fingertips. "I wanted to tell you that I… am truly sorry… and I… I think I feel the same way. After all, I could have kissed Onee-chan, but I didn't. Because… of you." Ui admitted as she began blushing a little.
Ui watched as Jun began to search her eyes, and she tried to convey everything she felt within that gaze.
But, not only that, Ui was finally able to see the hidden love that Jun had in her own eyes. She could see that the pain she had caused hid it, but she would mend that eventually. With time.
"D-Do you mean that? D-Do you r-really feel… that way about me?" Jun asked as she swallowed hard.
"I c-can try. I mean… it shouldn't be too hard now that I told my feelings to Onee-chan right?" Ui asked as she wrapped her arms around Jun's neck before pressing her lips against the violet-eyed girl's lips. "I really am sorry for hurting you. I'll… t-try harder to make it up to you. I promise. W-We'll give this a try… okay?"
Talking really helps.
After Jun-chan and I spoke that night we began dating. It honestly didn't take long for my feelings for Onee-chan to disappear. I still love her, but not the way I use to.
After all, Jun-chan really is a wonderful girlfriend.
After we graduated we got an apartment together.
My parents had offered to allow her to stay with me at home, but I honestly wanted to get away from that place that was so full of memories to start somewhere new.
And it was a good choice.
Jun-chan is truly an amazing friend… and an amazing girlfriend.
After a few months we finally got to the point in the relationship that we could… make love.
Hehe, I'm grinning like an idiot when I think this, but it was… so much better then pretending she was Onee-chan.
I can say this truthfully now.
I love Suzuki Jun-chan with all my heart. And I'm happy she didn't give up on me even though I was blinded by my obsession.
I tell her every day that I am thankful for her.
Now, I promised to make her some cake… perhaps I'll give her another surprise later tonight.
Author Notes: Wow, Ui's point of view was fun to write. O.O I mean, wow, I wrote almost 5k words just with her. Hehe, I heart Ui, and writing her like this was really depressing, but I'm glad she turns around near the end. XD I talk like I'm just reading it not writing it hehe. But that's what makes writing fun, ne?
I'm glad you all enjoyed the first chapter, and I hope this chapter is just as good! Thanks for the reviews and I'll get to work on my other fics~
Beta Note: She woke me up to beta this. I hope you guys are happy. …nah I'm just kidding. :D
