Note- As you may have noticed, this is longer than the first chapter. I just thought you should know...that this will be the longest chapter for this series. I am not taking this seriously yet. though, i have to admit-the whole explanation thing was pretty good. Anywho-enjoy this stupid story. So, would this be a crossover?

Listen-This is a parody. do not let this get to you if you are a major Twilight loser ok?


Vampirius Cedriculous

Despite knowing the route to Dumbledore's office, it should be known that it took Harry a good eight to nine days to get to his office. During this time, he was busy going through shrouds of tween fangirls, each one hoping and praying that one day they be married to a Mr. Edward Cullen. Some of them settle for his lesser known relatives, but that wasn't really saying much. Not that Harry really cared to begin with. We wont go into this though, as like most fan girls and fan girl topics…it would be repetitive and oh so very stupid. And this story ids not stupid. It is ridiculous. But after the days of running about-he was to the door of the famous wizard's office. All he had to do was go in and talk to Dumbledore and-

"Oh my Rowling!!!!" Harry screamed as he stood at the opened doorway.

Harry was aghast with what he saw when he entered the room of said Albus Dumbledore. He was expecting all sorts of things-but he was not expecting this. The room was covered in Twilight posters. The poster with all the characters from the first move, a few posters with Bella and Edward together, a poster with just Edward or some other lousy vampire character, a poster with the werewolves, a poster with just Jacob, a poster with everyone from the second movie, and for some reason, a poster of Zack Efron. But this was not the worst of it. There was a Twilight and New moon blanket strewn across the tables, a necklace with the Cullen family emblem, a twilight keychain, several Team Edward articles-and a poster- and….ugh, an Edward action figure.

Harry shook his head in disgust as he carefully made his way through the room, trying his beast not to touch anything while he was there, less he be infected with AIDs or something. He looked about the terribly decorated room, eyeing it carefully as he tried to look for the professor. Surely Dumbledore did not leave him in a time of worry? I mean, sure…he wasn't there when he fought Voldemort or the Basilisk, and he wasn't there when everything was going to hell during the Twiwizard Tournament…but he was sure Dumbledore would be here now…of all times?

The young wizard glanced at the table that was scattered with all sorts of Twilight referenced things. He shook his head. Why would any of this stuff be in the professor's office? Dumbledore was a wise wizard, an amazing man full of accomplishment and sorts. He would never go as low as to but these things. No, he wouldn't even use magic to make them poof into his room.

Heh…poof.

Harry sighed as he realized that Dumbledore was nowhere to be found. Where could have his professor gone to?

"Looking for something Potter," an ominous voice said from out of nowhere. "Or better yet...someone?"

Harry stiffened up, but being used to random surprises, quickly turned around and faced the mysterious person who had spoken to him.

Blue eyes widened in horror, curiosity, and even more horror.

Standing there before him, on Dumbledore's table, with a red and delouse apple, was none other than Cedric Diggory.

Harry was silent. Right off the bat Harry realized there was something wrong with him, Cedric that is. His hair was up in a strange fashion, and his skin had been painted with a white paste, giving him a strange pale look. Think Voldemort…but not nearly as good. His skin seemed to gleam in the light…which usually meant that he was in some need of Pro-active, but in the world of Twilight, it meant something very different. Something bad. Something very bad.

But this was only the tip of the iceberg. For you see, any good Harry Potter fan, whether they only be watchers of the film or readers of the book or both, knew that Cedric standing on Dumbledore's table…how did he get there anyways, was impossible.

Why?

Well, Cedric was dead. He had been dead for awhile now. Harry knew this personally since he had been there at said death of said Cedric Diggory.

"But," Harry said in awe, as he had never figured something like this was possible. He wasn't taught about horcruxes yet, so this was actually news to him.

"But what, potter Cedric asked, "but what…let me guess-you want to know why I'm here…?"

"Well, I …actually…yes," Harry asked.

"Yes, I knew you wanted to know that," Cedric said, giggling just a bit as he did, "I knew because…I CAN READ MINDS!!!" Cedric smirked powerfully at Harry, his face full of pride.

Harry took a step back. It seemed like the right idea. When people say things like that…you really should back away a bit.

"Look." Harry said, "I'm going to assume you coming back from the dead, and looking like a sad little emo, is a normal wizard thing." Harry sighed, "Look Cedric, I got to go find Dumbledore, and if you…I guess you can help. Just don't stink up the place with your dying scent or something…"

And with that, Harry continued to look about the room, ignoring the pasty colored man.

He looked through the drawers.

He looked underneath the desk.

He lifted up the rugs.

And just as he was about to open up the closet door, as it seemed likely Dumbledore might be there, his eyes widened again as he came to realize something.

"OMIGOD," Harry said as he turned and faced Cedric. "You," he said, pointing at the dead wizard, "you did all of this!"

"Right you are Potter," Cedric said with a maniacal laugh. He jumped from the table he was standing on for a good twenty minutes and walked up to Harry with the speed of a really fast animal. Like a rabbit.

"Why," Harry asked, his face full of undeniable rage, "our worlds have always gotten along-Cedric- why now…?"

(The following is a long plot line that will help explain the reason as to why this is happening. If you do not feel comfortable with this…just skip a few paragraphs…it won't be long, I assure you)

"Because Potter," Cedric said with a smirk, he bared his teeth just a bit, exposing two sharp canines, "For the longest time your world has been the favorite of many. For more than ten years, people have dressed up as you, children dreamed about coming to this school…and you have always been the beloved boy who lived."

"Yeah," Harry said, "I know about that-tell me something that isn't knew." Harry said this with some spite, as Harry was not all too proud of this. In case you forgotten-this kid has to deal with a person dying every year-so he wasn't all high in mighty about being the boy who lived. "That still doesn't explain why you're attacking our world!?"

"Yes well," Cedric continued on to prattle, "you see Potter-I want that fame and glory…but I never got it…"

"You had it," Harry said in retort, "Remember the Twi-"

"I wanted more than just one year of glory…I wanted a lifetime," Cedric yelled in anger. "I wanted what you had, but I was never going to get it!" Cedric continued to whine, "But now…now I have it. I have all the power I could ever ask for…and more!"

"Yes," Harry said, "you have your power…and I have mine, but why go so far as to send your evil to our world? You havemillions of twelve year old girls and forty year old women who read your stuff every day...why take it here?" Harry frowned, "Dumbledore would not be-"

"I don't give a rats-ass about Dumbledore," Cedric interrupted.

Harry gasped, along with the several million of Harry potter fans.

"You said it yourself," Cedric said, "I have fans…but my fan base is nowhere close to yours." Cedric frowned. "I want more, don't you see. I want my world to be seen as the greatest power in the world! I want more than pre-puberty girls, stupid high school dropouts, and single lonely woman-I want everyone! You have everyone!"

"So you sent your books to my world?!"

"Yes," Cedric said, "Everybody reads Harry Potter-and when they see everyone in this world reading my books-I am sure to gain popularity!"

(It's over now…)

"You MONSTER," Harry spat.

"I am a monster Harry," Cedric said. "I'm a murderer…just look at my skin!"

"You have a lousy hairdo…you lack a real personality, and your skin is in need of some oil wipes," Harry said in anger.

"Tell me," Cedric said. "What am I?"

"…"

"What am I Potter," Cedric asked, his voice at a whisper, "better yet-who am I?"

Harry turned away, looking quite disturbed as he did. His word was under attack, and by none other than the guy he had tried to save. He dragged Cedric's body back to Hogwarts…and this is what he gets?

"Edward," he answered.

"Say it, louder," Cedric said, grabbing Harry by the shoulder and turning him around. "Say it!"

"Edward Cullen!"

Edward laughed, "That's right potter, I am Edward Cullen-the main character from Twilight. I am over 100 years old, but I appear to be forever 17. I have a thing for girls whose minds I can't read-and I want nothing more than to love a girl who-"

"No one wants to hear your life story," Harry yelled.

Edward frowned. Or smiled…it was really hard to tell, with him always looking the same and all.

"Say what you want," Edward said with a frown/smirk, "I will have you converted just like everyone else."

"I'll never read your books," Harry said.

Edward smiled/frowned/smirked/??? At Harry's comment, as it were some sort of joke. "Who said anything about reading my books?"

Harry stood aback, his face still holding much confidence. He had to admit, he was a bit frightened…but he did not worry too much. Dumbledore would come, and everything-

"Dumbledore will not be coming anytime soon," Edward said in a very monotone voice. Sort of like Cloud from FFVII or Xemnas from KHII-but even more droll, because he was a sparkling vampire. "I can read your mind...remember, cuz I'm a vampire."

"What have you done with Dumbledore," Harry demanded. He pulled out his wand, something that he probably should have done a long time ago…but didn't. This delayed action, which happens just about every time something messed up happens in a Harry Potter novel proves to us, that Harry is just awesome-for if it was anyone who took there time to pull out there wand-they would be dead. But Harry never dies…so that must be proof of something. Let's see Bella pull that off. "You didn't make him read a book…did you?"

"Unfortunately, he was too strong to force," Edward said, "I could not get him to read my books."

"Hah"

"Don't be so quick to laugh," Edward warned. "For he still being delt with!"

"What," Harry asked, "but how?!"

"I had the wolves take him away," Edward laughed/cried, "and guess where they've taken him?"

Harry was silent.

"They took him to…see…"

No, he wouldn't…

"The brand new, box office hitting smash," Edward continued, a drum rolling away as he did.

"You-you wouldn't," Harry said nervously.

"NEW MOON," Edward said.

"NO," Harry said.

"Yes"

"NO," Harry said again, aiming his wand out to Edward. He wasn't one for shooting spells out to strangers, but now seemed like a good time as ever. Hmm, which of the three unforgivable curses should he use first?

But before Harry could do anything, a hand grabbed him and forced him down to the floor. He was pined to the floor, a body on top of him and keeping him a fixed position. Harry heard the dull and dim laugh of a female, and right away-he knew who he was messing with.

"Bella Swan," Harry spat in disgust. He couldn't see her face, but he could easy picture her bland expression, and those two front teeth that were, for some odd reason, extremely noticeable.

"That's Bella Cullen," Bella corrected.

"Ughghghgh," Harry moaned.

"Bella," Edward said, "what did I tell you about doing dangerous things?! Harry is a wizard and could have hurt you-I would have no choice but to blame myself and feel sorry for myself and whole existence if he did!"

"Oh Edward," Bella said, "I had to follow you. I love you. I'm nothing without you. I need you in order to live. I am your love, and you are mine. I haven't had a good look at you for twenty minutes. I love you. I love you. You are so sexy. You are my vampire. I love you. I have a picture of you in my wallet. I love you. Without you, I would be forced to drive a motorcycle, get into a deadly fight with some Jamaican vampire, get attacked by giant wolves, fall in love with Jacob, and jump off a cliff. So beautiful and pale and glowing in the moonlight and sunlight and twilight…"

Her speech went on for a good five pages, resulting in the end chapter of this story.

No, I'm just screwing with you. Her speech went on for a good thirty minutes, resulting in Harry falling asleep. But he was soon woken up as he was being tied to the chair. He opened his eyes and gasped. He was tied with rope, and his wand was nowhere to be seen.

"What the heck," he questioned.

"I'm tying you up," Bella said stupidly.

"No kidding," Harry said. He turned to Edward and glared angrily at him. "You'll never get away with this."

Edward rolled his eyes and pulled out a DVD.

"What are you doing," Harry asked.

"I said I will convert you," Edward said, "and I plan to do so…no matter the means." Edward removed the disk and showed it to Harry. "Twilight- directors cut…with added commentary…from none other than Stephanie Myer."

"You…make me sick," Harry said.

Edward smiled/ broke into a vampire rage. "Soon, you'll be just like your friends…"

"A mindless idiot who apparently knows nothing of love," Harry asked.

"…"

Harry smiled.

"Shut up," Edward said finally.

"I love you," Bella said.

Edward put the disk into the wizard DVD player and turned on the wizard television. He moved the heavy object over right in front of Harry. Harry squirmed miserably, trying to look away from the main menu that spelled disaster. He had never been so afraid in his life. Dumbledore was as good as dead, his friends were as good as stupid, and he was about to be brainwashed into a silly little fan boy.

Harry tried to close his eyes, but Edward was quick .He had been a wizard once, so using Harry's wand, he cast a charm to prevent Harry from blinking. So Harry was forced to stare at the screen of doom.

Luckily for Harry-he was a good guy. A hero. And like most hero's, there was always something to help him in the nick of time-not matter how odd it may be. Or plain stupid…but we can work with that.

"Avada Kedavra," screamed a voice from absolutely nowhere. The green ray flashed out of and hit the Television, causing it to explode into a billion pieces, saving Harry from a horrific death.

Harry turned as best as he could to see who had saved him. Bella and Edward were on the floor, completely stupefied with what had just happened. Or they could have remained the same…stupefied really isn't something new to them and their personality.

Harry's jaw dropped as the wizard who had cast the spell appeared before him.

"Voldemort," Harry said in shock. "But…?"

Voldemort sneered at Harry, and then to Bella and Edward, but mostly Edward. He pointed his want to Harry, and the rope that tied him down disappeared into thin air. Harry, rather than question the act, got up from the seat and claimed his wand-which was now lying on the floor.

"Why," Harry asked Voldemort.

"Why, Potter, why," Voldemort questioned in his dark and emotional voice-a huge difference compared to the ones in the past few pages. "I'll tell you why!"

Voldemort pointed to Edward and Bella, who were busy touching each other to make sure the other was safe and sound, and made a sickening face. "You were about to get destroyed by that!"

"…I see your point," Harry said.

"I want you dead, but I will not have your life taken away by some fruity vampires," Voldemort said.

"You said fruity," Harry said, how very out of character of you."

"Forgive me," Voldemort said, "I am just so…I cannot believe they would have the audacity to enter our world and try to destroy it! That's my job!"

"I completely understand," Harry said.

"So, though it may seem a bit strange and out of touch," Voldemort said, "but I think we need to work together…"

"I agree," Harry said, "we may have our differences, but if we ever want things to go back to normal we have to set than aside and-"

"You have got to be kidding me," Voldemort said suddenly. The dark lord watched Edward stand up and dust himself up. All his clothing, aside from his pants, had been destroyed in the explosion. He was just all skin and pants now…as luck would have it.

Edward stared nervously at Voldemort.

"Why does everything I kill keep coming back to life," Voldemort questioned.

"I'm a vampire," Edward said.

"Shut it," Harry said.

"Potter," Voldemort said.

"Got it," Harry said.

The two wizards aimed their wands at the vampire.

To be continued…


So, there will be one or two more parts to this story. As said before, I do not plan to do a lot for my first HP fic. I also have a lot of other things to finish. However, I do want to thank those who did review and favor me. That was nice.

Reviews are appreciated, as well as flames.