A/N: When I started reading AF I used to love this pairing... Now I can't write anything decent about it at all... Odd. Well, at least I humiliate Artemis.
Not Too Old to Learn
Artemis Fowl is a child genius. We have already established that. Further elaborations on the subject are not needed.
Most people, when watching television with children, would somewhat cherish the time in future.
Juliet Butler was just really, really, really concentrating on the cricket.
She was not like most people. Most people would not wrestle a 13 year old boy into a leather sofa and make them stay there on pain of computer hard drive-death, even though the boy's mother was your employer, and a very touchy one at that. Ever since Mister Fowl had returned from Russia, she'd been like that. What had caused Juliet to suddenly become more violent, no one knows.
"After only seventeen minutes of watching, I have concluded that this sport is particularly tedious and boring."
Juliet was insulted. "Oh, don't judge it like that. Cricket is fu-un. You have no sense of patriotism, Artemis."
Artemis blinked tiredly. "Cricket is usually more prominent in the British-settled colonies. We're in Dublin, the southern part of Ireland and not part of the United Kingdom at all, Juliet. And besides, you're American born, are you not?"
Juliet didn't hesitate. "So what? I like cricket." she said indignantly. Sighing, she rather unwisely said, "Boys your age should be into this stuff, ya know."
This earnt her a serious scoff.
Cricket game completely forgotten, Juliet turned on the boy next to her. "Artemis, you've just turned thirteen years old and you've never played a sport."
"Chess!"
"...You don't know anything about courting the other gender..."
"I've hardly the time. You and Mother are the only females in my vicinity. And I'm not going outside to chase down another one." He said this all in a very calm manner, as if he was just saying that he couldn't be bothered. But despite this, he blushed.
"Flattered in the same way I am when the boys around here grovel at my feet." Juliet said half-sarcastically. "And you're not patriotic at all!" she finished. Juliet's voice took on a whining, pleading tone. It was time for her biggest weapon. "What about St Patty's Day, Artemis? St Patrick! You should be ashamed of yourself! You've never drunk anything on St Patty's!" She stood up from the lounge and started yelling a bit louder. "The rest of the world, the entire world Artemis, comes to this country and puts our huge glasses of beer on their travel shows! How can ye not feel the pride then, eh lad?"
That was the moment that Juliet Butler lost her sanity. She moved in front of the TV and started an impromptu Irish dance. "How can ye not drink a mugga tha liquid gold on the holiest of Irish days, boy?"
"Juliet, isn't this a little overboard...?"
"How can ye ignar the people on the edge of the street sellin' bags of shamrocks?"
Artemis had temporarily given up trying to argue with his bodyguard's sister by now. At last Juliet sat back down, laughing.
"I'm under-age." Artemis said weakly.
Juliet leaned in close to his face and puffed, "HA! That is where I got you, kiddo. I remember when you drugged me and my brother, and you drank the entire contents of that wine glass." She wagged her finger. "I know, because I had to wash them! You definitely don't stay away from the grog, Arty. I was only sixteen when I drank that, and I got drugged along the way, thanks to you."
"You know why I had to." After a while, Artemis relented. "I'm sorry."
"Ah, it's fine. Now back onto the matter of cricket." With nothing more said Juliet grabbed Artemis' wrist and stood up, heading for the door.
"Juliet! What are you doing?!"
"Teaching you how to play cricket! I'll round up the local boys for a team, they'll fall into line with a snap of my fingers. And after that I'll teach you how to get hungover like a real Irishman! Oh! Have you tried Baileys Irish Cream before?"
"I told you Juliet, I only drink wine or champagne! And this is definitely not appropriate for a child!"
"Don't you usually show everyone that you're better than a child? And most adults too! That's it then. I'm getting a bottle and putting it in some milk for you."
"But... Juliet!"
Juliet stopped suddenly, turning around to look the thirteen year old in the eye. "You may be a child genius, you may be my bro's charge, you may be a big pain, and you may know nothing about being a normal Irish boy, but it is never too late to learn."
Artemis nodded, for the first time, dumbly.
Am I just wasting my life writing eleven chapters?
