I stepped onto the porch. As usual, the door was unlocked. "Darry? Soda?" I called out. No reply.
Darry usually worked odd hours; sometimes he was home in the afternoon, sometimes he wasn't. Soda's shifts at the DX usually varied as well. Wondering if Steve or Two Bit were present, I glanced at the living room couch with false hope. It was empty. Although our place was the usual "crash turf", as Dally used to call it, the gang rarely crashed during the weekdays.
I sighed and sat down on the couch. Most times I liked having the house to myself; as it was normally total chaos. But I was having this weird feeling inside. Was it loneliness? I don't know. I couldn't really tell.
My mouth was just itching for a Pepsi. I checked the fridge. There was half a chocolate cake, an almost empty carton of milk, and a few cans of beer. "Damn it" I murmured. I was thirsty. I needed something to drink.
I decided to walk to the grocery store. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, walking alone after what had just happened to Johnny a couple weeks ago. But like I said, I don't think.
I walked in and saw Two Bit standing in line. I almost laughed. You never see Two Bit pay for ANYTHING. I wondered if he was actually serious about his promise. "Hey Two Bit" I greeted him. "Hey Ponyboy." His usual grin was replaced with a more solemn look. "Whatchu been up to?" I asked.
"Well, if I told you I'd have to kill you." he replied. I wondered if he was serious or not. "A pack of smokes please." He said to the woman at the counter. He handed her the money and left.
If this exact situation had occurred two weeks ago, the action and results would have been different. First off, Two Bit never bought his own cigarettes. He'd nick them from the store on Leslie Boulevard, since their weeds weren't over the counter. He would have probably given the lady some dirty talk. She's worked there ever since I could remember, and was "a real looker" as he had once described her. After showing off his foul language he'd crack a joke or two and then leave. I paid for the Pepsi I'd been dying for and caught up with him.
"So how are you doing Ponyboy?" he asked. "I'm okay. Schools almost out." There was a short pause.
I'd never had a real heart to heart conversation with Two Bit. Today was a first. For some odd reason, I started talking about things I wouldn't share with Two Bit.
"Two Bit?" I suddenly asked. "Mhmm?" he replied. "What did it feel like for you when Johnny died?" I asked hesitantly. I was exploring in a rocky area. I didn't like talking or thinking about Johnny, but for some weird reason, I wanted to ask Two Bit that question. I was careful enough not to ask Darry this question. He was unpredictable. "Well, I dunno." He started. "Before that whole incident, I was living a carefree life, ya know? But after I actually took a second glance at what I was actually doing, I had my doubts. Do I really want to live my life and serve no purpose? Unemployed? Nothing to live for?"
He had an odd expression on his face; one I'd never seen before, at least not on him. He took a deep breath. "Johnny was only sixteen when he died, man. Life is unpredictable. I could die tomorrow, or in the next century. What if I died right now? Would people even go to my funeral? Would I even be remembered? Or just remembered as that Greaser that took life as a big old joke?"
Even thinking back from now, I'll never forget the look in his eyes when I talked to Two Bit that day. "It's like I don't want to be the funny guy, you know?" He added. "My whole life," his voice started trembling "I've been taking everything for granted. I'd just think, fuck that, things are never my way, why can't they be? Who cares if I won't pay for that Pepsi? As long as I don't get caught, who's really going to look down and say: Hey you! Put that back or else?" Tears started rolling down his cheeks.
He kicked the curb angrily. "Fuck this man! Who makes this shit up anyways? Who the fuck decides whats gonna happen in your life? Who decides the future! If things like this happen everyday, then who the fuck does God think he is? How do we even know there is a God, huh? It's all bullshit! All of it! If God were real there wouldn't be Greasers or Socs, and Johnny and Dally would be with us right now. Fuck life. Fuck all of it."
Never in my whole life had I seen Keith Matthews like this, and I even had my doubts, then and there, that Two Bit Matthews would ever be the one I knew two weeks ago.
"I know what you mean man." I said. "The day that Johnny died, I was just sitting in my bed, staring at the ceiling for hours. I wondered what the meaning of life was. What was the point of living without the one you loved most dearly?" I realized how cheesy this was when I said it out loud.
The Two Bit Matthews I knew two weeks ago would have bugged me to death for saying it, but he just gave me a look of sympathy and understanding. "What's the point of living?" I repeated. "Why should I have to live? Why Johnny? Why couldn't it be me? Why was I the one that got out safe? I asked myself that question the very night. I was so lonely, I'd never felt this way in my whole entire life. Never. Not even after my parents deaths. The pain was so bad on the inside, I needed control over my pain. So you know what I did man? I started cutting myself. I was depressed. It felt like I had turned into a zombie. Nothing brought happiness anymore. The counsellor said I was fine, but I knew I wasn't. I was pretending around Darry and Soda. I was lying to everyone, including myself. I started relying on sleeping pills. Nothing made me happy. But you know what helped me get through all of this? I started writing. I've never been a writer before. But I just needed to let it all out. It's so much better than cutting or drugging yourself. It's hard to get back on track. Bu t I got through it. I got through all that shit I put myself into, and I hope I never go back again. It was a good week and a half, which isn't long. I don't know what I'd do if I started getting hooked man.
It still hurts. Hell, it hurts like there's no tomorrow. I know I'll never get through it all, it'll never be the same, but I'm trying."
Two Bit gave me a thoughtful look. "You know what Pony? Cutting yourself, I've been on that road a couple times. It's real hard to stop. We just gotta get through this together. It's affecting each one of us differently, and if we deal with it the wrong way... who knows where you'll end up."
