Thoughts On Yes
"Oh your eyes…"
"My.. eyes?"
"Yes Claire.. They're beautiful…"
"I.."
"I just love looking into them, so beautiful like you."
"Shawn, you-"
"I mean it you…"
"I don't know what to say.."
"I think I want to kiss you."
He leans in on me and we kiss… with such grace and slowly backing away both of us, we kiss again.
…
FRIDAY?
"Is it Friday already? I couldn't even tell with all the work and all we've been doing," Daniela says to me and Sam as we leave to go outside to go home. I think I was forgetting something as I thought in my mind.
Then we see Shawn going the opposite direction into the school, and he puts his keys in his pocket.
"Claire! Where you going? We got our first rehearsal tonight," he says to me.
"Oh, that must be what I had forgotten. Can I…" I stopped to blink long.
"Yes?"
I could see Sam and Daniela looking at me at the corner of my eyes, winking at me, which makes me smile. Then Shawn notices..
"Well then, let's head all back in then! I'm sure your folks will understand you got rehearsal now."
"Yeah, it's no problem, I can just tell them."
THE FOLLOWING FRIDAY
"You guys are doing Grease?" Daniela says to me after school outside as we wait to be picked up.
"Yeah, I guess I didn't read the fine print correctly… I don't think I've ever seen the movie," I reply.
"Well my mom knows the play inside and out! We even have the movie, you can watch it with us," Sam says confidently, while looking to Daniela as well, making her smile.
"That sounds fun Sam.."
She knew it did.
My mom soon showed up to pick me up to go home, but not before Daniela asks, "Wait Claire, what character are you playing as? Have they told you anything?"
"I'm a girl named Jan. I think she's part of one of the main groups or whatever." I reply with little care, then I had to leave to go to my mom's car. I wave goodbye to my best friends and get into my mother's car.
"Hey honey. How did this week go? Well today I mean," my mom asks me as I sit in the front seat of our four-seated mobile of destruction. It's a Sedan or whatever.
"Um, today was okay, but my week went pretty long. Or at least it felt like it did. There was quite few work to be done, but from the rehearsals, it's getting challenging.."
"Oh well that's good to hear honey. The play must be doing you good in communicating yes? Isn't there acting going on?" she asks as we leave the school and head home.
"The acting is the difficult part. I can do the singing that's assigned to me, but the acting is sort of different from what I've ever done. Like ever."
"Well don't give up on any of it Claire, I think something great can come from this you're doing," she says while smiling at me, us still going home.
I didn't say anything after our conversation, but I asked her if I can go to Sam's house on Saturday, and she said yes. That was before I just stared out the window as we still go home, with the radio off like usual..
When I got home, I greeted my dad and let my parents be to themselves, all lovely and what not. I went to my room and got comfortable.
So it's a Friday evening, no plans for tonight, and I feel like doing something. So I get in the mood.
When I say I "get in the mood" I mean daydream away into whatever I feel like. Like right now, I would want to daydream me staring into the ocean. Alone..
Oh, I forgot to get comfortable:
I took off my Vans shoes along with my jacket I wore today, and proceeded to change the shirt I was wearing at the time. I went from long sleeve to short sleeve.
Then I removed my jeans and slipped into my pajama shorts (I call them that because I always sleep with them. Ok, you know those shorts that those athletic girls wear when they're performing or at a practice or something? C'mon you had to have seen them. Athletic shorts. Yeah, I'm wearing those now, with my stupid chubby but not so chubby thighs showing).
(But I don't even play sports, I wear them only to sleep in.)
I lay in my bed and pull out my iPod. I have a set list that plays some of my favorite alternative artists from A – Z.
Then I just stare out into my window with the curtains on my window rolled out, so I can see all the clouds and light rain fall. Seems pretty chill right? Yeah.
I get kind of cold, so I just cover up my legs and feet and continue looking outside. I could see the two trees separated and away from the driveway that was in the middle of the trees. We have a long driveway for our residence.
The clouds form and it continues to sprinkle light drops of rain out. Now I daydream…
So I'm at some beach, and it feels really hot. I just keep staring into the ocean, letting the waves and water go forward to hit my toes and makes me think of good things. Just the little good things…
I turn quickly to my left and see a figure jogging towards the spot I was in, along the beachside.
It was Shawn!
"Hey Claire, how you doing?" my mom interrupts me and walks halfway opening my door to my room.
"Oh um I'm okay mom. Are you going anywhere with dad?"
"Well no. We're both pretty tired from work, so this weekend we're just going to lay it back and keep it down low," she says trying to sound cool.
"Okay that's fine."
"Well… I'll leave you to it then. Goodnight then," she says to me then leaves and goes to her room.
I just keep looking outside.
The more I think about Shawn the more I get a tingly feeling, and makes me want to… get a little frisky.. down there…
Now don't call me weird or anything, I just get a little feeling that makes me want to… you know, get excited. Now let me get a little clear on something: masturbation is a totally normal and fine feeling for anyone. There's no need to rant and get offensive or uncomfortable. It's normal to me. I think to everyone, it should be normal to get those kinds of "urges" or "wants" if you want to get technical.
Now I'm not saying that I did masturbate that night, I was just thinking about Shawn and it got me feeling… horny. That's all. I didn't do anything else, I just turned off my iPod when I heard the playlist and fell asleep afterwards.
My room gets pretty dark when the curtains and door is closed along with no lights on.
…
So Saturday comes along with my plans with Sam, and it begins with him being in my nightly dream the night before, and it was kind of seductive in a way. Call me crazy, but this guy I've known all my life is getting into my dreams and is seducing me in a way I would rather find uncomfortable. Like I said, it's normal to have an urge for something that has to do with sexual contact, or something like that.
Anyways when I woke up that morning I had awoken feeling weird. So I get up from my bed and go to the kitchen where I find my mom eating toast.
"There's one for you too darling! Grab one and watch T.V. with me," she suggested as she sat comfortably on a couch in front of the television.
I smiled a little and just looked at her watching TV on the couch, as I get my piece of toast and eat it quickly while I go back to my room to take a shower and get ready.
When I was done finished I went outside really quick to check how the weather was feeling. When I went out to the front of our house, I looked straight ahead and across my vision was Shawn's house, just sitting normally on a Saturday morning.
I waited a bit to see if he would come outside without me asking for him, but I then turned back… and went back inside.
It was then noon, and I read for a while and almost finished one of my mother's books I borrowed from her. Afterwards I get a call from Sam, asking if I could come over to her house right away. I asked my mom if it was okay, then she agreed, then I put my shoes on and jacket along with my satchel/purse thing, and went outside.
As I'm walking to Sam's house on a quite chilly day noon day, I notice of the corner of my eye I see someone leaving Shawn's house, and I couldn't help but look who it was. It was a man I think I've never seen before, approaching me. I felt a nervous thought go through my mind and body, only feeling scared as I looked at him..
He approaches me and asks, "Sorry. Are you Claire Walls?" putting his hands back into his pockets of his jeans.
I reply in a nervous tone, "Yes.. I am. Who are you?"
"I'm Shawn's dad. Sorry I didn't address to you before, and sorry for just walking up to you like that."
"Um, it's okay..?"
"You've known Shawn for a long time now, right? We've been neighbors for a long time as well.." he says.
"Yes, we have known each other for a long time…" I became suspicious..
He smirks and releases a chuckle, "Yeah, he always reminds me of that.."
I reply in concern, "Wait what do you mean?"
"Well I'm just saying he just mentions you a lot, and he brings that up quite a lot as well. You're just mentioned in our house."
I felt a little scared but had a warm feeling.
"…He uh.. cares about you Claire. You might not see it, but it's the truth."
I remain silent as I just let his words go through me, feeling a bit warmer from what he said. Why was he telling me this? Does Shawn really mean that? Why haven't I talked to him recently?
He then said goodbye and I didn't call back Shawn's dad from going back into their house.
I went on walking to Sam's house, it wasn't very far anyway, so kept walking.
"So his dad just walked up and talked to you?" Sam asks me as we're in her room at her house, both on her bed with her laptop sitting on our side, while the laptop plays music in a low volume.
"Yeah it was really random. He said that Shawn talked about me a lot in their house, I don't know why.."
"Aw maybe that's a sign! You should feel special! Just saying," she makes me blush a little.
"Sam, have you ever felt like you like someone so much?"
".. I've never had a boyfriend. I haven't even kissed a boy. It's kind of a virgin feeling if you think about it."
"Wow Sam… I hadn't known that about you.." I reply looking at her.
"It's not that I don't feel happy or anything. Maybe it's that I feel like I am missing out on what it feels like to be loved and wanted for someone else. You know? I'm not sure how I ever feel about boys."
"I see what you mean Sam."
"It doesn't bother me though. I guess because I haven't felt it before, but sometimes I wonder and think too hard on the things I would like to look upon, you know?"
"Yeah I think."
"I try not to think about it much. But what makes me feel comfortable, with whom I'm with.." Sam looks down at her computer with me still looking at her.
"..Do you want to talk about?"
"Maybe when I know what to say about it all.."
I nodded and understood what she meant.
…
When I got home that Sunday after Sam's I went over my lines for the play. We're doing Grease. You know that one with the 1950's retro and dancing look? Yeah I'm in it. I'm the character Jan.
There are songs in the musical I have to rehearse and go over, so we could all sing and perform in unison. I'm not really nervous about singing, just when I'm alone in front of others is kind of nerve-wrecking. Doesn't that bother you?
I didn't feel like reading after I went over my lines like a billion times on Sunday. I still kept thinking about what Shawn's father told me and what Sam was saying the night before. It's just so sudden how Shawn would think that… wait, could he be thinking that all this time since we have known each other? What would he think of me when I barely realize? When I'm barely falling for him…
What would he be thinking? I get so concerned and worried when I don't know things and it gets me scared or worried about it…
I always keep thinking. I always do.
Sam seemed pretty serious about talking about herself being alone. I wonder what she really feels about her surroundings, about boys. About girls…
Anyway, a lot happened this week.
