Chapter Summary:
While Forcibly unconscious, Kylo tries to come to terms with his last week together with Rey. Then he wakes up. Queue the freakout. That following night, his dreams bring him another strange vision of the future.
"You'll never have me, Kylo."
"Then I'll never stop chasing you."
Of all of the things that had happened that evening, those were the words that had chosen to become stuck in Kylo's head. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't shake them out. They played on a loop over and over, ruining his unnatural rest even more than the inglorious pose his scavenger had left him in when she departed.
So she hates him? Hardly. She's lying to him and, far worse, she's lying to herself. That's why she has to repeat it again and again. Why she has to spit it out at him whenever he gets too close to her but she never fully means it.
No one works that hard to assure themselves of hatred. Hatred flows naturally and powerfully. It takes no effort to thrive.
The little glimmer of deeply buried affection in her eyes when he'd brought her to completion on his hand had given her away. He had finally achieved his end goal: a small part of her will forever be kept for him. He'd carved out a space in her soul and she'll never be able to get rid of him now.
Never be able to leave him, even when she's not there anymore.
And she's gone. He knows it.
His songbird had flown out of her cage. He knew that one day she would, but he'd hoped…
No.
Hope is a horrible thing. So much pain and misery has been caused by hope. He should have known better.
Doesn't give him much incentive to wake up, does it?
No, it truly doesn't. Why wake up at all when he can still have her here in his mind, a place she'll never be able to escape from.
Is it wrong that he enjoyed being able to go into her head whenever he wanted to? With the force suppression collar regally decorating her neck, she had been completely unable to stop him.
That's where he had seen the other part of her lies: her growing lethargy in her self-inflicted quest to hate him.
It had made him utterly unable to say no to her., even when he knew that he had to. She had wanted him to take her collar off. That had been nothing unexpected. They are such a miserable thing to wear, even though he had become so adoring of it on her. So very enamored of her mind next to his own and her body by his side where she belonged. Circumstances be damned.
And her seduction was something to be cherished forever. Rey had been… he hates to use the word 'adorable' to describe the gorgeous and fierce little creature that he's bonded to but… kind of. She had been so precious. Perfect.
Yes. That's the one: perfect.
At that exact moment when she'd hurled her shirt at him and told him that he was the one ruining her seduction by not getting hopelessly turned on at the flash of a clavicle, he had never been more fond of her. He wouldn't have changed a single thing about her then. She could have stayed cursing vitriol at him forever and he wouldn't have minded one bit. Just to have her there with him had been enough.
His dream had come back to him then. Now, when he'd finally had her more or less willingly in his arms, he'd thought about that boy with the dark hair and his mother's eyes. The child that doesn't exist but prophetically could destroy everything that Kylo had built his life around.
When he had told Rey about his vision she had been confused. Then she had used his own emotions to get the better of him. He should be proud. That sort of underhanded manipulation was a pretty terrible move for a Lightsider to try.
As was inevitable when it comes to situations such as theirs, when there's so much tension and conflict and bonding between two people, they ended up rolling around in bed together and making out like a couple of randy teenagers on spring break.
Rey had started it. That's an important detail. And then, of course, he had continued it with renewed passion. Needy and desperate movements over this beautiful woman below him who was allowing this luxury. He wanted to use his tongue on her. Had wanted to for ages. Maybe that would work? Maybe if he brought her to a profound enough place of pleasure that she would finally give in and accept how good they could be together?
No, probably not. But it was worth a try.
His dream had still haunted him throughout. When he dipped his head lower, she'd sunk her lovely little claws into his scalp to try and dissuade him. He'd kissed her stomach and, just to stop driving himself down the path of oblivion with doubts, had scanned over the deepest parts of her body with the Force.
Her womb is empty, as it should be. But he had to make sure.
Since he's already so far gone, so deeply past the point of no return, he whispers his plea to the flesh and muscles underneath his lips. He hides what he's doing under the guise of an affectionate kiss, but he's really voicelessly begging the gods to have mercy on him. Never let her body carry a child other than his own. Let his nightmare stay as exactly that and nothing more.
He'll do anything that it takes to please her, so enamored as he is at this moment. But she doesn't want him to pleasure her like that. Is pulling and yanking and drawing his head away and he hadn't even had a chance to taste her.
So his fingers will have to do instead. That she readily relents to. Clearly Rey finds little objection to being touched and caressed by him, and when he reaches between her legs she's warm and slickly welcoming despite the dissonance raging in her mind.
If he wasn't hopelessly smitten, he might have objected to the vicious love bite she gives him to punish him for this. She's like a cat: biting the hand that strokes her.
But when he brings her over that edge he sees something that is close but not quite yet at love in her eyes. Not yet at least. Fleetingly and she wanted like nothing else to hide it, but it was there and he'll forever have that part of her.
So sweet and soft. His sweet scavenger gasping in his arms. Being so ridiculous as to not only try to fight back her own orgasm but, when it became too much for her, to try and have it quietly.
She'd though about him throughout it. Not the pilot. Not anyone else. Just him and him alone.
That is the moment he chooses to keep alive, to keep going even as half of his mind struggles for consciousness and the other half wants nothing more than to stay here with her forever. The memory of her post-orgasmic glow as she blinked up at him shyly. For those few sweet seconds there had been no maliciousness left between them.
And that's what Kylo clings to.
What happened next in real life was… well, exactly what Rey had said would happen. She had changed in the blink of an eye. Going from the whom he- the woman who was always in his thoughts, to back to being his mortal enemy.
This time, he holds onto her. He forces her back out of his mind with ease. She's powerful, but not as powerful as he is. Then he pins her to her bed and glares down at her. This version of Rey is much softer than in reality. She looks up at him with both fear and contrition.
Except that ti's all fake and it just doesn't look right on her face.
Oh for kriffsakes… can't he even fantasize about her properly anymore? Now his own mind is working against him.
And that's truly the story of his life, but regardless...
"Rey."
He frowns. Her name doesn't sound right on his lips. This isn't how this was meant to go. He strokes her hair out of her face, trying to reassure himself despite knowing better.
She becomes passive and doll-like. His dreams are working against him. Kissing her feels like kissing a mannequin. This isn't working.
It's time to wake up.
This isn't a natural sleep. Maybe that's the problem. His body is fighting him too much. The Force hold on him is fading, and his own powers are drawing him back into consciousness.
He holds on for a little longer, resting his forehead against her collarbones and feeling her slowly dissipate against his fingertips. Her body melts away like sand and the symbolism isn't lost on him.
All he'd wanted to do was bring her closer to him. And now he's paying the price.
Kylo wakes up to that miserable thought.
For the first few minutes, he deliberately wills himself to not feel anything. That's good. Numbness is far easier than the alternatives.
Rey isn't here anymore. He reaches out for her, pulling on that chain that connects them. Wanting to just yank her through time and space and back to his side. Wanting to apologize or chastise her or at least occupy the same place so they can get last night out of the way and go back to being at odds with each other.
And she has done much more than leave. She's also blocked him. Obstructed him from sharing their connection. Shoved him out of her head just when he'd gotten familiar with the pleasantness of occupying that same space with her.
That... little bitch. How dare she go against the will of the Force like that?!
He can still feel her existence, though it's almost completely muted. He can feel her enough to know that she moving further and further away from him and doing so very rapidly.
Ah, she must be in hyperspace. Perhaps, if he was truly focused and calm, he could still use their Bond to track her, even if it's one-sided for the moment.
Instead of doing that, however, he chooses to close himself off from the bond as well. Shuts down his side from her because, hmmm... if she wanted so badly to get rid of him, then he's giving her exactly what she wants.
Then he lays there on his stomach, falling still, and tries to connect all the pieces. Tries to figure out exactly where he went wrong when he'd thought everything had been going so right.
That's the problem. He simply doesn't know. Somehow he must have misjudged what she thought of him.
Kylo sighs, swallowing down the wave of sadness that floods into him at that.
Where is she now? What is she doing right at this moment? These are things he used to have at his fingertips. Always being able to check in on her and keep no secrets.
He doesn't need to ask himself where she's going. There was only one place, one person, she would go crawling back to.
Now, without her, the room feels so different. Empty. Vacant. He had gotten used to having her around. It had been so soothing.
Maybe that was his mistake? He had gotten complacent?
Minutes go by before Kylo rolls over with a grunt, heaving himself ungainly onto his back and starting at the ceiling of her cell.
Her cell. He hadn't ever wanted her too feel that way about her quarters. Or about him, by extension. She'd misunderstood what his purpose in bringing her had been. This was never about torture, as she seemed hell bent on claiming it to be.
Gods, what lies Skywalker must be filling her head with…
Very little had gone right since her capture.
And an odd thought strikes him. If this room had been her cell- if she'd felt like she was his prisoner- then she would have-
Kylo scrambles up off her bed immediately. The sudden movements makes his back pop and the cricks in his neck pinch from the uncomfortable pose her Force sleep had left him in. And he winces from the more delicate aches his scavenger had inflicted during her exodus.
Nevermind any of that, though. He needs to find them. She must have put them somewhere…
Where are they? Where would she have hidden them?
He grabs the bedspread first, knotting his fingers into the obnoxiously white and institutional fabric of her sheets, and yanks it away. Somehow he had expected to find a hidden cash of trinkets ferreted underneath. A holdover from her scavenging days when every little bit she found could matter one day.
No. Nothing. Not there, but that would have been too obvious.
The mattress is next, and he flips it away behind him with a surge of the Force. His heartbeat starts to rise as he checks the frame itself. Nothing again. He'll have to tear her whole room apart.
Good. At least this time he has an excuse.
He begins to rampage. Furniture and bedding flies in every direction. Some of it gets torn in half as his temper wavers.
Then he comes across the girl's shirt. The one that she had so unceremoniously hurled at him while performing the galaxy's least erotic striptease.
It makes him pause, but only for a moment.
He balls it up with both hands and rips it cleanly down the middle.
There. That feels much better.
His motions lose much of their usual finesse in the face of his rising temper as he continues. They have to be here.
The bed frame becomes his next victim, buckling in on itself as he tears it out of the mountings on the wall.
Where did you put them, you filthy little scavenger?
The remaining pieces of furniture in the room fare no better. The table gets overturned and her chairs, well, he doesn't even bother checking those. But they bring him only momentarily satisfaction when he hurls them at the wall and they break into so many shards.
Nothing.
It's empty. Her room is empty.
It's filled with scraps of his typical chaos now, but the room is still empty.
She didn't mark away her time here… Why not? She hated it here. She hated him. So why didn't she do her little scratches?
He doesn't have an answer to that. Isn't even going to try to guess.
She could have, but she didn't.
That revelation fails to come as even a cold comfort to Kylo. Half of him wants to tear her room down to the very foundation. Rip the walls down and score the floor. Use his saber to melt whatever it touches until every sign of her presence here has been incinerated. That would be the correct thing to do.
But then the proof of her ever being here would be gone. It could have all just been another dream, like with her nonexistent child that still haunts the back of his mind.
There's nothing left. No sign that she ever was even-
Wait, there is one thing.
He'd been about to order the stormtroopers to come in here and strip the room. Clear everything away and bring it back to its usual sterile precision.
Instead, he closes his eyes and reaches.
Their bond is stronger than ever. Blocked, granted, but it takes him no effort at all to find it. To locate that thick rope that encases his mind and connects him with her.
Her side is an absence of feeling. It's still there, but when he tries to touch on it, it's like reaching into a black hole. Numbness. Nothingness and numbness.
Is that how it's going to be from now on? She will just leave it like that? A phantom tether between them that is the essence of oblivion?
Gods, that would be unbearable. For them both, in fact, unless he was completely wrong about her true feelings for him.
Kylo sinks down to his knees then. Already the feeling of her loss is… overwhelming. And she's only blocking him. This is nothing. This is a couple's spat.
That brings another problem to light. Their connection may be blockaded now, but it still has grown. Become something that's far too obvious now. There's no way he'll be able to hide it from Snoke. He'll either need to come clean and… deal with the fallout. Or destroy it.
But could he even? It's supposed to be unbreakable. He had come upon that conclusion when their connection had first formed. Back then when the notion of severing it was still an option he had fleetingly considered.
Now it's far too late. Neither he nor his master nor her own master can change what has been built.
Their Bond is the will of the Force. He's said it so many times and meant it every single one.
So why in all the hells can't Rey accept that?
That night, Kylo sleeps in her room.
In her trashed, demolished, and ruined cell. He leaves it just like he'd left it. Furniture strewn about and with a broken bed frame cast aside into a corner.
He doesn't actually care about any of that. This room was hers once and that's enough. The only thing he changes is flopping her mattress back over so that he can sleep in the same indentation as she did.
And he doesn't care how obsessive and downright pathological he's acting.
This is not… these are not the actions of some lovelorn fool who's trying to simper away his aching soul. If they were, he would have done something ridiculous like holding her tattered shirt to his chest while pining over their rejected bond.
He did none of that. Rather, he had stepped over the ruined garment on his way in and hadn't given it a second look or thought until this moment.
What he's doing now has nothing to do with sentiment. No, he's trying to manifest another vision. There has to be a reason why he dreamed what he did, and now he intends to find out exactly what it is.
Maybe, perhaps, if he falls asleep here, the remnants of her presence will leak through into him? The Force will let him continue with what he'd started the night before?
Either his fantasy of the girl in his arms or the prophetic notions of her future child would find a welcome place in his head at the moment. Anything to still the endless cycle of his thoughts. His compulsion to constantly check in on her through their lopped connection and see if any cracks have started to form.
They haven't yet. But he's working on it. Pushing and pulling and tugging and lashing at her barricade. He'll get through. He told her he wouldn't stop chasing her and he meant it.
So he lets his thoughts fill with memories of her. Throws them at the back of his psyche in the hopes that one of them will stick and become his companion for the night.
"What is your name?"
Kylo gets exactly what he wants.
Tonight goes differently. This time he knows that he's in a dream.
Now that he understands this, the question becomes why? Why is the Force showing him this prophecy of the future? Is it warning him, like it did the first time he'd dreamed about the boy? It has to be. But the difference is that this time he's in control.
"Please tell me your name," he requests again.
The boy stares at him with open astonishment but says nothing. Kylo can feel that he's still very afraid. The child doesn't seem to like him very much and he doesn't want him to be here, but… he also doesn't want him to leave.
Oh. Of course. He doesn't want to be alone.
Kylo should have known better. A child of this age is still far too young to be left completely by himself for such a long time. He had ordered the stormtroopers to secure him in this room, but then neglected to give them any further instructions.
So they had simply locked him away and then left. This equated to a full day of this young child being alone in here by himself, confused and so scared. It makes Kylo quite angry, but of course the troops were just doing exactly as they were told. He himself should have had more foresight and made better provisions for his care. This has probably set them back quite a few days at least.
"You shouldn't be afraid. Please. I only want to talk to you."
The child looks away at that. His face is swollen and streaked with recent tears, but he's also trying so hard not to cry now in front of his new captor. He mutely stares at the wall until Kylo shifts closer, and then he glances back at him for just a second.
"I'm not afraid," the boy finally whispers, checking Kylo's face to see if he believes his lie.
This is progress. When Kylo had first entered the room, the boy wouldn't speak at all. Rather, he had curled up against the corner of the walls at the farthest side of his bed. The minimal furnishings in his room had been disrupted. Evidently, he'd been trying to get out. Good thing he's so young and his powers so underdeveloped, or Kylo would have probably had to have him collared as well and that would have truly complicated things between them.
Kylo had next attempted to converse with him with no luck. It was only when he removed his mask and had kneeled down, bringing them to eye level as equals, that the child could be coaxed to speak in monosyllables.
And now here they are, up to full sentences. It was indeed progress, small though it was.
"I'm not here to hurt you," Kylo repeats what he told him earlier.
The child doesn't believe him anymore this time than when he'd first said it. Kylo probably himself wouldn't either, if their places had been reversed.
He shouldn't have been left… but there were no other child prisoners on board. No one else he could have put in here with him for safe company.
"Please?" Kylo tries again. All he wants is his name, and they can start to build from there.
The boy shakes his head. Kylo resists the urge to sigh. No need to guess which side of his family he gained his silent, stubborn streak from.
"I'll have to leave if you don't tell me your name," he says. "Do you want me to leave?"
His shy captive seems to think about it. He doesn't immediately tell him to get lost, so he's unlike his mother in at least one regard.
Then the boy's stomach rumbles. It's a small little noise, and the child presses his lips together. He may be stubbornly refusing to answer Kylo, but he's looking up at him with an unintentionally open plea.
Sometimes the best incentives are the simplest ones.
"Are you hungry?" Kylo asks, debating how much longer the boy will be able to hold out from speaking to him if giving in means he'll be fed and provided for.
Kylo feels a faint hint of pressure in his mind as the child tries to gauge his intentions. It's a clumsy attempt, but there's an organic quality to the simple way the child wields the Force. Rey must have been teaching him from a truly young age for him to be so natural with it.
And he may be too clever for his own good. Kylo will have to quickly establish ground rules on how he can't just go poking around anyone's mind whenever he feels like it. Which is certainly a double standard, but no matter…
Are you hungry? Kylo projects the words into the child's mind.
The boy's eyes widen. Then he nods just the once.
Kylo tips his head to the side and waits.
"Yes?" he finally whispers.
The boy says it so quietly that Kylo can barely hear him. They've got a long road ahead of them, don't they?
"Have you eaten at all?" Kylo asks. "When the troopers brought you in here, did they give you any food?"
The boy shakes his head. Then hurriedly corrects himself with an equally soft "no" in answer.
Kylo feels a pang of anger spike through him, but he hides it quickly before the child can pick up on it and go back to being constantly terrified of him. How ironic that this situation which isn't even real is what finally has made him learn to curb his temper.
"I will talk to them about that," Kylo says with a sigh, pushing up off his knees to stand up. "Shortly someone should come in with a meal for you. I would appreciate it if you at least tried to eat part of it, even if it's not to your liking."
Kylo turns to leave and the boy shifts closer. This is the first time he's moved in any direction except away and Kylo pauses and looks back at his shoulder at him.
"You're going?" the child asks.
Kylo nods, resiting the inner smile he feels as his plan starts to take form.
"Yes," he tells him stoically. "I'll come back later. Tomorrow maybe."
Tomorrow is a long time from now. And that's exactly the point.
The boy looks up at him. It's so clear what he wants, but he still refuses to simply come out and say it. Kylo had hoped that he would be more cooperative than this.
"Well, I could stay a little longer," he begins to offer, "though you would have to-"
"Desmond."
Kylo blinks. Turns back fully to face the child who recoils slightly and curls around himself at the far end of the bed.
"Desmond..." Kylo thinks over it.
The name means 'defender'. It's a slightly odd choice, but Kylo was greatly worried the child would have been named after his father and he would have had to swallow his indignation every time he addressed him.
"Desmond… Interesting." Kylo turns to the comm panel on the wall and orders a plate of food to be brought in. "It's not the name I would have chosen for you, but I like it. Your mother did well by you."
The mention of Rey makes something ache inside Kylo. The boy looks deeply unhappy. He'll have to be more careful not to mention her unless the child brings it up himself.
So Kylo sits down at the edge of the bed while they wait in silence. The child relaxes increment by increment and looks up at Kylo. Expectantly waiting for him to do something of interest or engagement.
Ah… yes. He should have thought about that before, too. Before he had bartered his own dubious company in exchange for the child's name.
Only now does it occur to Kylo that he truly has no idea how to talk to children. When he had been this age, he had sometimes played with other kids but had also spent a lot of time on his own. Ben had been a quiet and introverted child and making friends had never come easily to him. Perhaps it's the same with Rey's son, or maybe the child is just unusually meek from the stresses of these last two days.
Well, now is as good a time as any to find out, isn't it?
"Alright Desmond," Kylo can spare a little longer before he has to wake up, "tell me about yourself. Tell me what you like and tell me about your family. Your mother, specifically. Tell me everything there is to know about her."
Author's Note:
Hmmmm? I really struggled with this chapter so… it is what it is. IDK.
I'm taking November off to (hopefully!) write my first commercial fiction during NaNoWriMo, but I'll try to get in one more update before then. It'll probably be a pretty short one, though.
Next chapter:
Kylo is hopelessly in over his head but his beloved is almost does something that would completely throw him over the edge. That only leaves him with one choice left: find salvation in his dreams because the real world is just too unbearable without her.
