Chapter 2: Bandit Interview
Once the cameraman came back, the three people group has already settled in a sort of interviewing manner. The cameraman was informed of the situation and was instructed to keep the camera rolling while Mama Jaws was sitting across Patrick and Xiao Lan with her legs placed on the table. This situation seems insane to the cameraman already, but then again if you do not meet a certain level of requirement for insanity, you clearly do not belong on Pandora.
"So, why don't we start off by you telling us a little bit about yourself?" Xiao Lan politely began.
"Huh, didn't I tell ya already? I was the head of the Bandit brand of weapons and sh*t. I practically created the brand of Bandit. Me! Alone! In a workshop full of scraps and bits! Sort of like a certain iron-armor dude but without all the drama." Mama Jaws exclaimed.
"Yes, we are aware of that." Patrick said. "But there is still a lot we don't know about you. For example, your name is quite unusual: Mama Jaws. Is that your real name? If not, how did you get that name?"
"Haha, it's kinda funny when ya think 'bout it." Mama Jaws replied "When I was little, I never remembered anyone taking care of me and giving me an actual name, so I had to do what's needed to survive. Sometimes, I shoot people. Sometimes, I fix and break machines. And sometimes I just chew on the bones of other psychos and bandits in front of their fellow psychos and bandits. They won't even come near me when they see that sh*t, thinking I have more psycho in me than their entire gang put together. Having a habit of using my jaws to do most of the work, I started to earn the nickname 'Jaws'. Come to think of it, I think I still got a piece of that guy's liver stuck in between my teeth."
The cameraman was about to hurl, while the interviewers remain unimpressed.
"So, anyway, as I grew up, I start to become more 'tame'." Mama Jaws continued as Patrick raised an eyebrow in response to the word 'tame'. "I've been doing more machine tinkering and less chewing on human flesh for sh*ts and giggles. Even got my own bandit gang to help me with the stuff. It's like I'm their mama! Maybe that's why they keep calling me Mama Jaws."
"Very interesting" Patrick said "Now, tell me, Miss Jaws. What are your skills and expertise? Do you have any experience with using guns or other weapons?"
"Man, you dumb, ain't ya? I already said I'm good with tinkering those machines. Anything from guns to shields to sex toys to bandit vehicles and what not. You've already seen me demonstrate my buzzwrench skills on our fellow friend who's missing a liver. Also, what's the point of making guns if you don't know how to use 'em. I'm expertising in all range of weapons that I make, shotguns and ass rifles and what not. I don't use sniper rifles though. Snipers rifles are for pussies. That's why I don't make 'em."
"I see, Miss Jaws." Xiao Lan said "Now even though you can use any sort of gear that you can make, it might not be enough. Your competition will have all sort of heavy machinery and gadgets manufactured by their own corporations to assist them in battle. What will you use that is special to your corporation alone?"
"Hmm, you got a good point", Mama Jaws said, thinking for a brief moment before exclaiming "Oh, I got it! You've got to meet my three happy midgets."
Patrick and Xiao Lan looked at each other before saying "Huh?"
"Oh, midge midge!" Mama Jaws shouted as she pull out a special-looking storage deck unit (SDU), which then digistructs three midget bandits out of thin air. One of them was holding a shotgun, one was holding a buzzaxe, and one was holding a couple of grenades. "Hey there, meet my little friends, this is Shottie, Buzz-buzz, and Kaboom!"
Patrick and Xiao Lan almost jumped out of their seats, eyes wide open in surprise, as they were staring at the three midgets that were standing on the table and screaming typical midget stuff (if you played Borderlands games, you'll know what I mean). They didn't think it was possible to digistruct organic life, since digistruct technology has only ever been used for non-organic technology like guns and vehicles. How could it have possibly lived inside the SDU without dying?
"Cool as hell, ain't it? I got this store decker modified so that it could digistruct organic life as well." Mama Jaws said "It only works on midgets though, don't know why. When I tried it on other bandits, they turned into piles of …uh I don't even want to say it. You guys might actually throw up this time."
Patrick and Xiao Lan were fascinated by Mama Jaws's new invention. This just shows that Mama Jaws was not merely a mere gizmo tinkerer but a technical genius. Although, using this SDU for the vault hunt might run into some troubles with the rules.
"This is….this is quite amazing and all." Patrick finally said after examining the midgets with his focused eyes. "But this could go against the rules of having only one person per corporation."
"Pfft, what?! These midgets ain't people!" Mama Jaws exclaimed as Patrick gives yet another eyebrow-raise to the statement. "Besides, they don't even work for the company. They just chill and hang out with me and occasionally have ***[Error: NSFW, use your imagination]*** with me. Now you tell me again that this doesn't conflict with your fancy-pancy rules of yours."
"Maybe we should contact the corporate board about this." Xiao Lan suggested.
"I concur". Patrick replied before he takes out his communicator. "Excuse us for a moment".
"Pfft, yeah, well don't take too long." Mama Jaws said.
After a while of conversing between the interviewers and the corporate board they have finally made a decision. Patrick and Xiao Lan then faced towards Mama Jaws to announce their decision.
"We believe we have made a decision" Xiao Lan said as Mama Jaws builds up anticipation. "You are allowed to use that special storage deck unit during your vault hunt."
"Woohoo! Fuck yeah!" Mama Jaws celebrated.
"However, there is a catch", Xiao Lan continued.
"Well, speak up, pretty lady." Mama Jaws replied, with a slight hint of flirting.
"You are only allowed to have three midgets on the field at a time. The weapons, ammo, and gear that they carry would only be limited to the rest of the space in you storage deck unit." Xiao Lan explained.
"Meh, fine by me. I'm already doing that; my Midge-unit can't fit more than three at a time anyway." Mama Jaws replied casually.
"Also, the corporate leaders need to have a look at the inside workings of the storage deck unit. They need to study it and get how it works. It will be returned to you once the vault hunting event starts." Patrick followed up.
"Aw, HELL NAW! I ain't down giving people my stuff just so they can strip it down and take a poke at it! Nuh-uh! NO WAY IN HELL!" Mama Jaws said out loud.
"This is the only way we could guarantee the integrity and fairness of the match." Patrick said. "We'll guarantee that you'll get back you storage deck unit as good as new and unmodified when we are done with it. We'll even throw in a negotiable amount of cash as compensation for your agreement."
Mama Jaws went from angry to intrigued when after hearing about the cash money. Even though she'll sooner dry-hump a skag than to let anyone touch her SDU, she'll also be willing to dry-hump a skag for a heft amount of money. Not that she wouldn't dry-hump a skag just for fun anyway. Just sayin'.
"Let me think about it" Mama Jaws said before waiting for a split second to think about it "Ok, whatever! The amount you give me better be worth it. And make sure y'all get the Midge-unit safe and soundly or I'm gonna feed you to it! Got it?!"
"Very well, then." Patrick replied "We shall speak of the specifics after the interview. Now, onto the next question. Why are you doing this? What is your motivation to participate in the vault hunt?"
"Well, it's simple, really." Mama Jaws said "The Bandit brand needs a little expansion. To prove to all over the world that Bandit guns and gear are the best kind there is. Our motto is simple: 'Don't got enough bullets? Shoot more bullets! Reloading's for suckas!' What better way to promote the Bandit brand than to show them off in the biggest event of Pandora? Sure I don't care much about the vault hunting stuff, but I'll be damned if other corporate assh*les gets the spotlight. I'm running this show, baby! After this, everyone's gonna know about Bandit brand of weapons, shields, and grenades! Heck yeah!"
"So you see this vault hunt as a way to promote your own brand of weapons and gear in order to further your business interests." Patrick said.
"That's actually not a bad idea." Xiao Lan said. "It is actually a smart strategic move to expand a certain business using such a widespread event as a means of promotion. I have newfound respect for you, if not for the fact that you just chewed on some guy's liver moments ago".
"Why thank you, baby girl. I'm starting to like you as well." Mama Jaws said flirtatiously.
Patrick tries to let out a cough to break up the sexual tension between the two females in the room.
"Ehem! So on to the next and last question for the interview. As you know, at the end of this event, which is when one of the competitors finally found a vault, there will be a hefty prize money for that winner. What will-" Patrick said as he was cut off by the female bandit.
"Holy skagsuck! There's a prize money in it as well! Now I definitely got to win this event! Oh the glorious piles of cash that I am going to wipe my buttcheeks with…" Mama Jaws said as she was day-dreaming of wiping the prize money on her buttcheeks.
"As I was saying" Patrick continued, feeling tired of the female bandit's rude behavior. "What are you going to do with the prize money? You aren't really going to use it all just to wipe your buttcheeks with it, are you?"
"Shut up! My buttcheeks delicate and soft and tender!" Mama Jaws exclaimed.
"Ooh, I would like to know more about that…" Xiao Lan said as a response.
Okay, seriously? Get a room, you two! Jesus Christ!
"But, yeah, I wouldn't use it all on that. I'll probably use some to expand my business. As for the rest…." Mama Jaws said before suddenly lowered her voice to a whisper "…it's a secret."
"How interesting?" Patrick replied.
"Yeah, I mean I have a project going on that requires utmost secrecy, and I ain't gonna let some fancy-pancy corporate douchebags in on my thing. No disclosure, suckas!" Mama Jaws replied, with an added hint of swag.
"Well, I guess that's it for today Thank you viewers for watching the Corporate Brand Allegiance Vault Hunt." Patrick said while facing the camera.
"Till we meet again in the next episode" Xiao Lan said while also facing the camera "where we will meet and interview another vault hunter".
