Thank you to everybody who left reviews, kudos, or added my story to your alerts. (Considering I will be posting chapters for this story as soon as I get them back from my fabulous beta, subscribing to the story may be a good idea.) Every little bit keeps me writing.
This chapter and the next were originally one chapter. I realized that a 12,000 word chapter would be difficult on all of us, so I split the chapter in half.
A quick note about pairings. I love both Fitzsimmons and Mack/Fitz, so I'm not entirely sure which way the story is going to go in that regard. I may keep it all platonic, I may choose sides, or may take a third option. If you read my story Take a Third Option you know I do write polyandry stories.
Chapter 1: Sleepless in Arlington
Late June 2014
Jemma hates the fact that she's still not sleeping very well even though Fitz was now out of the coma if not back to his old self, not completely. Those first few nights she slept in his room, but now she doesn't. She suspects that Fitz doesn't want her there. His throwing the new stuffed monkey she'd bought him at her seems an obvious sign of that. She knows he blames her for being trapped in himself. She blames herself for the damage done to his brain. When he first woke up, he couldn't talk at all and that was her fault.
Now after three weeks of working with the best specialist Dr. Stark (she still calls him that even to herself because she doesn't feel comfortable calling him Tony) could find, Fitz was starting to regain his words. He was still at the hospital, albeit in the rehab center, but the fact he was there at all was her fault. His feelings for her doomed him and she is positive he regrets that now. She feels so horrible and confused inside. She doesn't know how to even talk to him anymore. Everything hurts and she's miserable.
Her nightmares about being at the bottom of the ocean have returned. She's been dreaming about their being trapped in that container and not figuring out a way out. There were ones where Fitz didn't even bother creating the distress signal because he knew no one would be monitoring. Even worse were the dreams about making it up to the surface with a dying Fitz in her arms and Fury not being there. Most nights she would wake up screaming and covered in a cold sweat.
She had these dreams at the Playground before Fitz woke up. They might have even been worse. But if she woke up screaming in the middle of the night at the Playground, she would find herself quickly wrapped in Skye's embrace as she cried herself back to sleep. Here the rooms were soundproof and only JARVIS would be alerted to her nightmares and she had sworn the AI to secrecy. She wasn't certain if anyone other than JARVIS would actually care if they did know. And as remarkable as he is, the AI doesn't truly count even if he does listen to her recount the dreams.
Skye wasn't talking to her. Her friend was angry that she had abandoned the team in the middle of the night. She had emailed Skye a few times via secure channels, but has not received a single reply.
Trip was more understanding, but she felt too embarrassed to talk to him now. It was a good thing she hadn't known that he was former Director Carter's grandson otherwise she would have embarrassed herself even more. He probably snickered behind her back every time she gushed about the woman.
Why did she think he was interested in her? (Even when she was under the impression he was heterosexual.) Why would anybody be interested in her? Other than her two PhDs there wasn't anything exceptional about her. She wasn't anywhere near as attractive as Skye, May or Trip. She could see why Fitz would be interested in them or even the traitorous bastard, well, before they knew what he was capable of doing and that he only cared for himself and John Garrett.
Fitz liking her in a non-platonic way didn't make sense. She doesn't know how it happened. She certainly wasn't expecting it. She still doesn't know how she feels except that it wouldn't be wise to risk their friendship for something that might not work. She's been playing intermediary for Dr. Stark and Ms. Potts for the last three weeks. It's become very obvious to her how difficult it is to get back a deep friendship after a romantic relationship has fallen apart.
But what does it matter now that their relationship was already in tatters? Fitz must surely hate her now because she hates herself. He can't even look at her.
Agent May and Director Coulson contact her occasionally, but most of those calls were to inquire about Fitz's health or related to her GH 325 research. This is her major project for Stark (and the main reason why she was still working in his private lab in DC). Their calls were necessarily infrequent because they did not want to give away the location of the Playground. Stark's lawyers have successfully cleared most of the team members, but there was Hydra to consider. It would be foolish to think that they were all destroyed after the raid on Cybertek. Besides, she didn't have the relationship with either of them to where she could talk about her distinct belief that Fitz hates her now or that she can't sleep without finding herself in that medical pod in the Gulf of Mexico.
Even though it is barely after midnight, she decides to forego sleep for the moment at least and heads down to the kitchen. Cooking relaxes her and her boss really does have a lovely kitchen. It is much better than the one on the Bus or at the Playground and it always stocked with produce from the several farmers markets around. She makes a sandwich platter and a vegetable tray because she knows there will be dozens of people in and out of the mansion tomorrow. There always is but it seems even busier since they're planning Captain Roger's- Steve's birthday party. (He's told her at least 50 times to call him Steve, but she's still getting used to calling her idol's boyfriend by his first name.)
Steve initially objected to the party until Dr. Stark- Tony pointed out that the event was to cement May and Coulson's cover as the department heads of the new Stark Industries Humanitarian, International Education, and Lifesaving Division. This is not to be confused with Stark Industries International Security Division which will still be in charge of the Avengers Initiative as soon as former Agent Natasha Romanoff could be around Stark without the urge to throw a knife at him. She wished she were exaggerating, but things are quite tense.
According to JARVIS, Ms. Romanoff blames Stark for the demise of his relationship with Ms. Potts despite the fact that Ms. Potts does not. It's all very tenuous with Captain Rogers trying to make peace between the two which is quite difficult with the former agent staying off the grid due to Hydra.
With that task complete, Jemma is still restless and not at all hungry. She grabs one of the expensive beers from the refrigerator and sat down at her computer. Maybe if she went over Stark's specs for the revised HENRY program she would eventually get tired. Before everything fell apart, Fitz was trying to create an AI with a hologram monkey interface; unfortunately most of his research was destroyed when old SHIELD was. Dr. Stark was trying to revive the program to give Fitz something to focus on besides his physical progress.
If looking over Stark's notes did not help, she could always continue her party planning (why did she mention that she had told her parents she was a corporate party planner) or her research on GH 325. The equipment here was much better than the stuff at the Playground. She hopes she doesn't fall asleep on her laptop again. And she really hopes she doesn't wake up to the sight of her boss walking into the kitchen naked. Once was quite sufficient, thank you.
She wanted to tell Skye about that but she couldn't because the hacker was still so angry with her. She actually composed an email about it before realizing she couldn't send the message for various reasons.
Remarkably, she was asleep by the time her boss made his way fully clothed to the kitchen an hour later. Unfortunately, she had fallen asleep on her laptop again.
"You're supposed to be sleeping Tony." Pepper said as she mentally calculated the time difference between Tokyo and Arlington. She was currently in Japan convincing various partners that Stark Industries was in no way affiliated with any terrorist organization despite the fact that certain individuals i.e. Senator Christopher Ward was trying to paint Howard Stark as the founder of one. The meetings were going as well as could be expected, which meant they were not going well at all.
"It's only 2:34 AM. You know me and sleep schedules." Tony joked. Honestly, she shouldn't be surprised at all by his calling her in the middle of the night his time.
"You don't have one." She sighed. This wasn't supposed to be her problem anymore. She was neither Tony's assistant nor girlfriend at the moment, which is the entire reason why she is sending Steve an "It's 2:34 AM, do you know where your boyfriend is?' text message. This was his problem now.
"I just…"
"Nightmares?" And yet she doesn't hang up because she is still his friend and friends help each other deal with their nightmares at 2:34 in the morning. Actually, she's just happy that he's talking to her. She didn't think they would still have these conversations not after things deteriorated so rapidly after the Thanksgiving incident. Is it wrong to think that breaking up was the best thing for their relationship? Their ability to communicate with one another has improved dramatically since they ended things in April.
"Something like that. I was dreaming about fighting with Ste…" And yet he stops at mention of Steve and she's once again reminded that things are not like they were before they started sleeping together. But was that a consequence of being together in the first place or of not ending things before their core relationship was damaged? She doesn't have an answer for that question.
"You know we agreed that it's okay for you to mention your boyfriend. At least Steve is better than anybody I had to show out the next morning." Also after being together for almost 2 months Steve has lasted longer than most of Tony's pre-Afghanistan 'relationships'. Actually, it was longer than that if you counted the overlap time. Part of her feels like Tony and Steve had been dating for at least the last year, maybe even since the disastrous events of Christmas 2012.
"I'm trying to be polite." Tony joked and it was a bit unsettling.
"Tony, you're never polite." If he was Pepper wouldn't have the PR department on speed dial. She's just hoping that he doesn't call Senator Ward a prick on Twitter anytime soon. Why did the PR department think it was a good idea to let Tony have a Twitter account?
"I try for you."
"I don't want you to be anything other than you." Pepper knew they were talking about something entirely different now.
"Yes, you did." There was a touch of bitterness in his voice.
'I was wrong.' She thought to herself.
"So you had a nightmare about fighting with Steve?" She asked instead.
"Not just arguing, but physically fighting like we were going to kill each other. We managed to tear the entire superhero community apart." Tony explained and she heard genuine fear in his voice.
"Yes, all six of you." She shakes her head. Although this was better than nightmares about wormholes and him being back in Afghanistan.
"There were a lot more of us in the dream. It just got worse and weirder from there. For example, there was this strange lullaby version of 'Back in Black' playing in the background and people with Hydra lanyards kept handing me children. Then my dad was having tea with a miniature version of Marcy and Stephanie. Also Antoine is there and suddenly an adult version of Stephanie is taking him to his first day of school which suddenly switches to me taking a little Leo to school except I have no idea what he looked like at four because I wasn't there. Then we get attacked by Hydra agents and I don't have the armor and Steve's not there because Steve is still frozen. Fortunately, I managed to wake up just as Leo gets blown to pieces with the helicarrier that I inadvertently designed."
She doesn't even know where to begin analyzing that dream. Although part of her wants to start with the fact that she was not in it. "Also I was dressed like Howard the entire time." Correction, his very evident daddy issues were probably the most pressing. Pepper's known for a very long time that Tony's biggest fear was becoming Howard.
"Are you taking your medication? Better question, are you taking drugs other than your medication?" Because she can't decide what's harder to deal with a stoned out of his mind Tony or a Tony on the verge of another nervous breakdown. She doesn't want either to happen when she's in Japan.
"I don't think I've done anything harder than marijuana since Afghanistan unless it was prescribed to me and even then the marijuana was for anxiety. Yes, I have been taking my medication and I haven't been chasing it down with scotch. By the way, I'm going to need a new therapist. I gave Suarez to Director Agent. I think they need her more."
Her response is to sigh because she disagrees about the therapist thing. The end of their romantic relationship, the transition in his relationship with Steve, the fact that his technology was being co-opted by terrorists again, and Leo's existence were all reasons why Tony needed professional help.
She wonders if Tony realizes that his entire dream is really about Leo otherwise known as the one paternity suit that might actually turn out to be true. Maria, her so-called friend, said that it was true, but Pepper wanted independent verification because she doesn't trust Maria Hill at all right now. She's not even sure if they are friends anymore. Not telling her about Phil is something she understands, it was for the man's protection. Not telling her that Tony had a son is nearly unforgivable. She claimed it was a matter of national security which made no sense. Why was the fact that Tony fathered a child a state secret in the first place? What if Tony actually died without ever knowing that he had a child or vice versa? How cruel. It had been a near thing on both of their sides.
During her days as Tony's assistant, she always thought something like this was going to happen. The SI legal team had a contingency plan for paternity suits because they happened so often. Pepper just wasn't expecting the reality to be an almost 27-year-old recovering from brain damage caused by being dumped in the ocean by a Hydra agent.
"I can't be held responsible for my subconscious." Tony told her defensively bringing her back to the conversation at hand.
"I can hold you responsible when your subconscious is obviously worried about the outcome of a certain paternity test. Have you received the results of the DNA test from Dr. Triplett yet? Is Leo actually your son?" It's been nearly 3 weeks. Even normal commercial tests would not have taken this long. Tony should have a non-SHIELD answer by now.
"She has the results, but she won't tell me over the phone and I haven't been by to see her." That makes absolute sense because Tony tends to avoid difficult things, so of course he's going to delay seeing Dr. Triplett at all cost.
"Tony!" She is exasperated.
"I've been busy." Pepper almost laughed at that excuse. She knew Tony. That was his favorite line for when he was avoiding something. The man locked himself in his workshop for a week after he slept with Steve that first time in order to avoid her. The question was what was he avoiding this time? Was he afraid that Leo was his son? Considering the amount of money he was spending on flying in various experts in to work with the young scientist, she very much doubted that was the case.
"Tony you can't keep putting this off. I was perfectly willing to come to DC if you needed moral support. The trip to Tokyo could've waited a couple of days." Or she could've called Rhodey to deal with Tony and his possible teenage love child. The whole point of Tony moving to DC temporarily was so they could get some emotional distance from one another. Running to DC to help Tony deal with this wouldn't be that.
"No, it really couldn't. People are panicking right now and it's not an excuse. I've been really busy and so has Stephanie." She scoffs.
"Doing what?"
"Let's see not calling Senator Ward a prick on Twitter, setting up Stark Industries' Humanitarian, International Education, and Lifesaving Division, and renovating the formally secret government offices under my house. I'm thinking of giving you your own floor." Of course he's giving Pepper her own floor. "I'm also going through Howard's personal files which lived up to its potential of being unbelievably traumatizing and working on HENRY."
"What is a Henry?" Really she hopes it is not another flying car. Although SI was now working on the plans to rollout arc reactor cars in two years' time so his endeavor was productive (thankfully they both agreed that there were too many bad drivers in the world for flying cars to be mass marketed).
"Assisted communication device for people who have suffered brain damage because of strokes or…" Being dropped in an ocean by Hydra. However, neither say that aloud.
"I should put a coffeemaker down here. I miss Dummy." There's classic Tony Stark avoidance again.
"What about your new assistant? I do remember bringing you a lot of coffee." Because it was the only way to get you to do anything.
"I think she is still asleep, but by now she may have realized she was sleeping on top of her laptop in the kitchen again and decided to go back to her actual bed. Does she really believe JARVIS is not telling me about the ocean related nightmares?" A part of Pepper is sure Tony is not joking. "Also she's not that type of assistant. She has two doctorates. She's closer to Bruce than most of the other people helping me out. She gets bonus points for not trying to kill me yet or trying to sleep with Steve."
"You have five PhDs."
"And I never brought you coffee." He joked.
"Tony, I have a meeting in half an hour. Why did you call?" Because they really need to get this conversation on point. Tony is not going to call her without of reason, not now not when their relationship is so tenuous.
"I told you I was going through Howard's diaries and just let me say I really hate the fact that my relationship with Howard was so bad that almost everything I know about him comes from old work papers." She's upset about that too, but she doesn't mention it. "Really, I should know better than to look through Howard's stuff after the great dress up closet incident when I was six. I always find out stuff I don't want to know." She can actually hear Tony shudder on the other end of the line. It was enough to make her wish this was a video call.
"Do I even want to know?"
"Let me just say there's a reason why I'm not into dress-up play and leave it at that."
"Seriously?"
"Honestly, the only time I ever really acted my age as a child was when Stephanie was there. We were playing hide and seek or something and we came across this big closet filled with different outfits including stuff I didn't realize until adulthood were slutty nurse and slutty pirate costumes. So anyway, we decide to play dress-up and eventually got caught in the room by Stephanie's mom and Jarvis." Pepper wonders if Tony is referring to Peggy Carter-Jones specifically as Stephanie's mom so he doesn't have to think about the fact that she is his boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.
"Stephanie's mom started yelling at Howard for letting us play in his 'sexual aid closet' and it just gets worse from there. I really did not need to know that my father liked to put a 'theatrical element' in his sexual encounters ever, but especially not at six." Tony shivered again and Pepper is almost tempted to start laughing.
"I could see how finding out that your parents enjoy dressing up in the bedroom could be traumatic."
"I'm not sure mom was into that sort of stuff, but I'm sure their friends were. Did I ever tell you my parents had a really open marriage that both sides consented to? They both had girlfriends and sometimes they had the same girlfriend. Trista was really nice. I liked her. She made great cookies, better than Jarvis." This explains so much.
"Anyway, I found out something even more traumatic than Howard's secret kink closet. So it turns out Howard wasn't upset because I was born with a dick. No, he was angry that I could never replace his precious little Natasha. It would've been nice to know why my parents got completely wasted together every January and why there is a gravestone in the Rose Garden at the old Long Island estate."
"The headquarters for the Maria Stark Foundation?" She remembered making several trips there when she was his assistant. The organization did a lot of good work even before Tony's Afghanistan awakening.
"Yes. I now know why the foundation gives so much money to prevent premature birth and SIDS. Actually, I now know why mom's charity work focused on children. It would've been nice if my parents had told me any of this stuff while they were still alive." Maybe they thought you were too young. Tony was only 19 when both of his parents were murdered. He was just a baby -a baby who had unwittingly produced his own offspring four years earlier.
"Tony." She said his name softly this time. "I've had to deal with too many idiots over the last three days to deal with your rambling right now. Please be clearer."
"Two years before I was born mom gave birth to a little girl named Natasha. She only lived for about three hours. They buried her in the Rose Garden which explains why Howard's will contained specific instructions that I could never sell the Long Island house."
"Oh."
"My response was 'Shit'. It definitely does explain why Mom was so overprotective of me. To this day, I still don't know how dad talked her into boarding school. Then again that did happen right after one of my first almost kidnappings, so who knows. Maybe she wanted me away from all the SHIELD stuff."
"How did you know this?" She asked in shock, not paying attention to any of Tony's other ramblings. "How did you just find this out?" Because Pepper was sure that something like this would've ended up public eventually, if not originally then because of the SHIELD document dump. The public now knew more about the Palladium poisoning incident than she ever wanted them to, including the fact that Nick Fury defied orders to help keep Tony alive.
"I told you I was going through his journals. I was trying to see if there was anything helpful for a couple of projects I'm currently working on. Instead, I find out that SHIELD's cloaking technology was first deployed on my mother's maternity wear in an effort to keep everything out of the press. I mean I knew there were a few miscarriages before I was born. That stuff was public record and the press was extremely nasty about it. I guess they didn't want this out there just in case it went bad again and it turns out their paranoia was well-founded. Should I be worried there's more information on his early research into in vitro fertilization then how he felt about the death of his child? Howard just seemed so detached from everything."
'You built dozens of prototype suits instead of talking to me about your nightmares. You built another suit instead of telling me you were unhappy and wanted to be with Steve.' She bit her tongue waiting to see how he'd respond.
Finally after a few moments of silence she continues, "People deal with grief differently. You're developing adaptive technology for Leo instead of…" Talking to Stephanie and dealing with this as a grown-up. However, she wasn't sure how to word that in a way that would not result in Tony ending this phone call.
"Instead of finding out if Leo's my son. You can say it." Apparently Tony was self-aware enough to know that without her pointing it out. This is new.
"I was trying to be polite."
"Don't be. We both know I shouldn't be a father. I always felt like the damage done by the Palladium poisoning was the universe's way of telling me that I shouldn't procreate. We both know I would've ended up being just as bad as Howard." Tony spat out bitterly.
"That's not…"
"Don't say otherwise. You were relieved when you got a negative sign on your home pregnancy test last Thanksgiving. I know you didn't want to raise a kid with me."
Near the end of their relationship she thought she was pregnant despite her meticulous use of contraceptives and she was panicking. She wasn't sure how she could balance a child, the company, and Tony. Of course, Tony forgot to tell her that it was completely impossible as a side effect of the Palladium poisoning. When he caught her in the bathroom with a home pregnancy test, certain things were said that shouldn't have been said. In all honesty, they both said some things they shouldn't have.
"I didn't want to raise a kid with anyone. I don't want children. Also you had just accused me of sleeping with somebody else. How was I supposed to react?"
"I wasn't that upset about it."
No, he actually said that he completely understood with their schedules that she might need things that he couldn't give her and would be perfectly happy to help her raise the child. That was when she came to the conclusion that he wasn't upset because he was probably sleeping with Steve already at that point. She was off by six months, but she was still right. Although recent revelations regarding Tony's upbringing certainly shed some light on his reaction. She wished she'd known that at the time.
"Tony, that was the problem. I thought that I was pregnant and you assumed I cheated on you, but you weren't upset. You were actually happy at the prospect of being a father. I was terrified about raising a child and you were ready to embrace it even if you were sure it could not have been your child biologically. That's the number one reason why I think you will make a good dad." Even if the child in question happens to already be 27. "You care about people even when you shouldn't."
"I only would assume that you cheated on me if the test was positive." She just sighed.
"You know that encounter was the entire reason I thought you were already sleeping with Steve. You didn't even talk to me after that you just left for his apartment all the way in DC. It made me wonder if we really did have an open relationship because I was not nearly as angry as I should've been at the prospect of you sleeping with Steve. Actually, I wasn't angry at all. It made sense and as soon as I realized that I should've ended things, but I didn't want to."
"Fuck!" Tony exclaimed. "I thought we were getting better at being friends again."
"We are. We are sharing a lot more with each other than we ever did when we were dating. The thing is we are only going to be friends again if we talk about this stuff."
"I know." Tony sighed. "We will."
"You need to talk to Dr. Triplett. You can wait until I get there. I'm supposed to be there in a week to visit with Phil and to put in an appearance at Captain America's birthday party. I could come early." She suggested.
"Hey, Steve just came down here with sandwiches. We can talk about it later, but it would be good to see you before the birthday party." That's when the phone line went dead.
"Tony, don't hang up on me! You hung up on me." She screamed. Sometimes she wondered why they were trying so hard to repair their relationship when half the time she just wanted to strangle him.
"Would you like me to try reconnecting you?" JARVIS asked her.
"It's okay, JARVIS. Is Steve actually there?" She asked the AI.
"Yes, he is in the bunker with Mr. Stark. He also actually brought a plate of sandwiches made by Ms. Simmons. Captain Rogers sent you a text message to this effect." Of course he did. Steve was really good about text messaging and emailing her about what was going on especially in light of the Leo's situation. He didn't tell her about Tony avoiding the paternity results, but maybe he didn't know. He wasn't as skilled at reading Tony as she was yet.
"His new assistant cooks?" She asked the AI slightly surprised given Tony's earlier comment about coffee.
"Only when she is unable to sleep and she has not slept more than 3.1 hours at a time since arriving at the Arlington house 22 days ago. However, that amount has decreased by 45% since Master Leo threw a stuffed monkey at her 4.5 days ago." Tony has already programmed the AI to recognize Leo as his kid. Seriously, what is she going to do with him?
"Captain Rogers and Mr. Stark believe that she is overly concerned about her friend, Master Leo. He is only now beginning to regain some minimal speech functions. The main reason why Mr. Stark decided to throw a large birthday party for Captain Rogers was to have Ms. Simmons work on a project not related to Master Leo in any way."
That explains the extravaganza. Pepper hopes this event goes better than she expects, but any party that allows Tony to do fireworks will end badly.
"Leo must be improving if he could throw a stuffed animal at her."
"Yes. He was moved to a rehabilitation center recently and will probably be moved into the Arlington house once construction is completed. Mr. Stark is planning to interview various specialists to work with Mister Fitz." She shakes her head. She knew exactly what Tony is doing. He wasn't afraid of having a kid, he was afraid of what will happen if it turns out not to be the case.
"That's good. Please keep me updated on his progress would you?"
"Of course, Ms. Potts. I will also keep the use of pyrotechnics to a minimum at Captain Rogers' birthday party. I think Arlington zoning laws will prohibit most of what he would like to do." JARVIS knows her so well.
"Thank you, JARVIS."
"Is there anything else I can assist you with?" The AI asked.
"Tomorrow or rather today at this point, would you make an appointment for Tony to meet with Dr. Triplett?"
"I will make the arrangements Ms. Potts. Do you want me to make the appointment for next week so you can accompany Mr. Stark?" A part of her wanted to be there, but it wasn't really her place now.
"No. Just make sure Steve is able to be there." As much as it hurt, it was time to completely let go of the girlfriend role.
"Of course Ms. Potts."
To be continued.
