A/N: The first one shot. Kinda angst ridden, but conducive to the beginning. you could say this was how their relationship got its "start".
The Last Petal
Word One: Admittance
Her mind played history, as if it were a requiem, and she hated that no matter what she did, she could not sway her mind to do as she demanded of it. Studying should have been the highlight of her day, but she could not force herself to do it. She was driven to distraction several times, by many things, and she felt the undercurrent of fate dragging her by the toes, as if she could do nothing but follow along, and the silence of her dorm room did nothing to quell her beating heart...it would prove pointless to reason with her mind, and with her parched throat, she decided she would give into her mounting desires.
She closed the thin math book she had been gazing at blankly, and placed down her pencil and paper with perfection, she frowned though, noticing she would never complete her homework in advanced accounting if she kept up her inward onslaught. Her slow steps into the kitchen echoed, and she found that she hated the gloomy day that seemed to peek in from the windows. Inwardly she wished she had taken Haruka's invitation to go to out and walk around the campus, but reprimanded herself immediately for doing so, knowing that would be of little help.
Natsuki was like a dark plague for her mind, and she wished dearly, that she could make the feeling in the pit of her gut go away.
Classes were out now, and a few of the students would likely be spending their time enjoying the relaxation. It was recuperation that many needed, and Shizuru couldn't deny she wished dearly that she could be in such a position. Free from responsibility that seemed to fall over her shoulders like a cloak. Her eyes inspected her water, sighing at the clarity, wishing that there would be fog, at least then, the imperfection that seemed to loom over her would go away.
Hopefully, then, it would leave her well enough alone. She remembered well, that's the way Natsuki liked things.
Shizuru missed her dorm being askew, longed for the small space that would be filled with laughter, and subsequent snarling, on any average day. She missed the classrooms, and being harassed by fans who may have been brazen, but at least weren't catching her eyes. Natsuki had always been her distraction, but university women were of many ages, sizes, and shapes. Some were intellectuals, and she often felt as if she should try to put herself out there, some of these women open enough to admit they could love another.
Some of them were fetching, and even Shizuru found her eyes becoming lecherous at the sights of a few beauties. To touch and taste them would indeed be pleasurable, and a few of them were not ones to keep their legs crossed at all times. If she'd wanted an easy target however, she knew she would have sought one long before Natsuki.
"And yet, so soon one forgets, Natsuki is not within grasp." Yet, even that wouldn't fill the deep void, and she knew that...she could recall when she made this choice...deciding to leave the high school campus, even if she hadn't been forced into doing it.
The memory was easily something she both loved and hated. The day was bright and sunny. It was the day strictly after the fighting...she could recall it...but she couldn't ever rid herself of it...and it was the latter she wished to do most. "But even I failed to follow my own advise. I'm so pretentious in that way." The ringing of her phone alienated her just enough to send her spiraling down into memory again, after she pointedly hung up on the caller.
"Natsuki...please forgive me..."
She could say that time and time again, it wouldn't change anything. She'd said it before, during, and even after the carnival. It was after the carnival...Shizuru remembered clearly, that she pushed Natsuki away the final time, in such a way, that she doubted that Natsuki would ever wish to repair the fractured damage.
It was with a stray tear that had drifted down her cheek, that she squished a flower in her hand, crushing with it, all of the things she'd once said, all of the things she'd truly believed in. Sighing as it fell onto the path laden with brick, each one meticulously put into place. Shizuru had often walked in the gardens as a student, had met Natsuki doing much the same, her anger something vicious. Her pain tangible in her eyes, both unwavering and never trusting. To the effect of a metaphor, Shizuru had often tried to quell the anger she saw in young emerald eyes, and back then, she wanted nothing more than to really spark confidence. She hoped for a true dream within the future.
But that dream had been clutched away by kind, yet wounding words.
The church was well enough destroyed, and her clothing thoroughly tattered and torn, just like her heart. The whimsical moments of the final battle rang in a victory for some, but Shizuru, she felt as if she'd lost everything, and she hated herself for it. With a sigh, she curled into herself more, looking just beyond her knees at the flower she'd destroyed, feeling as if she'd done exactly that to Natsuki's heart, and inadvertently her own. She wanted to just have everything end.
To just go away, and become nothing...as if nothing was the end...and that end was little more than simply solitude.
The wind was a gentle breeze, the sun was high in the sky, and with only a few clouds to sprinkle the otherwise clear, beautiful blue that seemed to be perfect, she almost felt as if she were living in the past...as if she were in Natsuki's place...but, that part reminded her of sorrow. It dug deep. If it were the past, if they had changed positions, Natsuki would be there...Natsuki would be gentle, and with soft words, she'd quell the anger. She would take care of the cold fire that was trying to eat the bitterness of a woman, and the torment of a soul.
This wasn't the past...and it wasn't a pipe dream. It was the day after the carnival. The day after the fighting, the day after hell rained down for all of them...the day everything people claimed as normal, suddenly became completely unnatural. On that day, hell froze over...
And on that day, no one knew what to do.
Natsuki no longer needed to take revenge, and still, she went missing, as per her normality...but somehow, Shizuru knew, that if Natsuki was feeling at all like the others that moped around, she was feeling just as lost, blank, and without a place in the world she could turn to for guidance. Shizuru knew that there were others feeling the same, even the school nurse was caught up within the madness, and her eyes wouldn't stop crying tears of mixed, and very befuddled feelings, all the while refusing to release Midori from her arms.
Even the pang of friendships, and unrequited love struck home...and Shizuru knew she wasn't the only offender...perhaps, only the worst one.
Mai cried for hours in Tate's arms after he came back and the fighting was done. Yukino finally had to sit down and open her heart, finally coming out of the closet she'd been hiding inside of...and while Haruka wasn't sure how to deal with the truth of it all, Shizuru knew down the line, they'd work things out. Reito had his little sister to spend time with. Everyone around Shizuru had been making amends with the past. In failing that, they were coming to terms with truths that were now glaringly obvious.
Her own, well that was something she had to accept...the details sinful, and her desires dreadful.
She had contemplated leaving Fuka, finding a collage someplace far away, but try though she might, she knew she would never want to endure such a distance, and besides that, the university she was going to attend was only a few short blocks away. If she so desired, she could stay in her dorm. It was something she'd been considering before the carnival, simply so she could stay with Natsuki. Fuka University would be a mere limo or taxi away, if she decide she didn't want to walk, and she felt, at one time, that it would do her well to stay among all of her friends...not just those in her graduating class.
It was her reasoning, one that she'd told her parents in great detail...even if the dorms at the university campus were bigger, and far more comfortable.
Though, before the carnival occurred, she could think of only two students that would really be left behind. Yukino, Haruka's eternal shadow, and Natsuki...who should have been a university student anyway. Now though, there were a few more that came to mind, and though, she doubted she would find herself particularly interested in making bonds with many of them, there were a few that she owed her kindness, and her unwavering gratitude.
Still, she regretted very much the ideal that someone, anyone, such as Natsuki would even want to be anything more than friends after what had happened. The mere idea was dangerous...but even more than that...Natsuki had already voiced an answer. A rejection. A soft, gentle, and kind rejection.
"You shouldn't do that." The husky tone was like music to Shizuru's ears. "You're going to get all dirty." When she looked up, green eyes started at her though the visor of a thick helmet. It was like magic when Natsuki began to take it off, letting her dark tresses of midnight fall around her like a waterfall. "Plus, I'm sure that's a pretty good way to piss off the staff." When her boot nearly squashed the flower, Natsuki frowned, picking it up, looking at it intently. "Did you do this?"
Shizuru had been quiet, and fearful, so she merely nodded. Swallowing hard, as she tried to think of something to say. "I think I finally understand, why you found it so appealing."
"Because I was an idiot?" Natsuki offered, there were only two petals left on the flower, clinging reprobate and forgotten, though they were.
"No, Natsuki." Shizuru sighed in defeat, taking it in her hand and letting it drift back to the ground. "Because that's what broken people do." It seemed logical now, so clear, so crystal. "They break things...bring pain to others, because that's all they know how to do anymore."
"Well, you've already beat the crap out of it, if that was your goal." Natsuki said, picking up the flower again, only one petal left, it was battered, and bruised, it wouldn't survive, and Natsuki frowned at that. "In the end, it's just a flower...no one cares about one single flower, Shizuru." Under her knee were a few of the petals that hadn't wafted away. There were also some bits of torn grass, and Natsuki wondered idly, just how long Shizuru had been left alone within the recesses of her mind.
"I do." It was an empty retort that made Natsuki curse under her breath.
"Then why did you hurt it?" Still even as she said that, she shook her head, this day, it would have been perfect among friends, but alone, it was as if the sky was laughing at them. Kneeling half in the grass, and half on the brick, Natsuki just ran her fingers through Shizuru's fawn tresses. "If you cared, why did you hurt it?"
"I don't know." That was all she could offer. "I felt as if I was doing the right thing, but we both know that has nothing to do with it." There was something out of place about the entire thing, and her heart was simply numb now, accepting that Natsuki wouldn't love her. "It doesn't, so then..." Her questions couldn't be given a voice...she didn't want the hurt. "In the end, I guess I just forgot what it means...what I meant to do, every time I saw you." She hadn't meant to do anything, her confession locked away, deeply within her heart, and she had little faith in it then, and had absolutely none now. "It was so hard not to say, but in the end, I never really said it in the first place."
"You always put up a pretense for every single action, do you realize that?" Natsuki grumbled then. "We both know we're using this stupid thing as a front, but that's the only way you ever really say what you mean. When you think I'm off in some other world, not focused enough to really get it." In the past, Natsuki would have overlooked it again, would have passed by the simple idea as a flower being the embodiment of their situation, of their entire internal battle. "But I am focused Shizuru...and my eyes are on you." With one gloved hand, she gently turned Shizuru to face her. "So I can see, very clearly, the things you don't want to say."
The wall came up, that easy to grasp wall.
Shizuru closed her eyes, turning her face away, hoping that her tears wouldn't fall. Praying that her resolve would fall back into place. "There isn't anything to worry about." Shizuru said then, rushing for an answer, something, anything, to keep things to herself. The faintly glimmering hope in her heart something that was just beyond measure, and she feared the warmth, one that was like a candle, would burn out. She couldn't let it happen, couldn't let Natsuki reject her again. Once had already been hard enough. She couldn't take it a second time. "I'll be fine Natsuki, I assure you of that."
"Stop it." Natsuki growled, she was stronger than Shizuru when it came to brute strength, and with a scowl, she forcefully, yet gently turned Shizuru to face her again. "Look at me." Natsuki's voice wasn't ever so stern, so strong...and the assertiveness was something that scared Shizuru. "Open your eyes, damn you...look at me."
"What would be the point in that." Those feelings, those sickeningly hopeful thoughts that began to twirl in her mind grew stronger, and she hated that she was losing her composure. Tears finally slipped out from her closed eyes. "I don't want you to see Natsuki, so just, let go of me." Even her voice was wavering, and that once smooth accent, one so enticing to the ears, shook in fractured waves. "You don't want to see me like this."
"I'll tell you what I want to see." Natsuki stayed firm. "I know best, the things that I want. Right now, I want you to open your eyes." Inwardly she was biting the inside of her cheek, forcing herself to sound that way, but anyone who had been looking would see something entirely different. Something hesitant and fearful lacing her hardening eyes of emerald. "I can already tell that you're crying...what else do you have left to hide from me?"
That was a question she didn't have an answer for. "It could be anything." Still, slowly, she did open her eyes, blurry from the tears that she had to keep blinking away. "It could really be anything." She wished she knew why she felt compelled to be brought to tears, but her mind was moving at a snails pace, her heart like a jackhammer. "That isn't your burden." Those words were like a knife, and she hated saying them.
"It is." Quiet, and filled with it's own dark stories to tell, but they weren't the type to actually say any of it. They were both secretive, and the hushed amalgamation of truths unspoken, and fears untold, filled the air thick with something neither of them could define. "This is entirely my fault." She could carry that weight, that sin upon her shoulders. She would do so until her dying breath, if nothing else ever came of it, she could do that, at the very least. "It's not yours, it's mine." She would be damned if Shizuru thought she wouldn't at least try...
Attempt to fix things, to put them back together, to normalcy...into something...anything...but this.
Still the tears that flowed over her thumbs trickled down, landing on her leather, before finally sliding down to touch the grass. She could watch each droplet fall, traveling away from them. As if they were fleeing away from some horrific event, as if whatever was dancing around in Shizuru's head, those feelings needed an escape. They ran away via the tears that would fall endlessly, if something wasn't done...if some protection wasn't offered. Still, there was something unwavering about that idea.
Her heart hammered, but the hesitant breath made her lungs scream out, and Natsuki didn't dare gift them precious oxygen. Instead, she was caught, frozen by the pools of liquid truth, that bothered her into profound distraction. "Stop." Her voice was so far gone, and the strength she had within her had melted. It had morphed into an entirely new emotion. She could deal with impassioned rage, dark lust, and even a stone wall...but she couldn't stand to see this, and her limbs felt heavy. "I can deal with a lot of things, Shizuru...but I can't deal with this." Natsuki couldn't understand something so mystifying. It was sudden, and with her chest like a rock, she found there was little she could do...nothing made sense anymore. There were many sides, shapes, and colors, for Shizuru's show of love, and Natsuki had seen many of them, but she'd never seen this. "Not on my own."
The woman was trembling at her touch, as if fearful, as if Natsuki was appraising her, as if being worthy came at a price no one could ever afford.
Still, there wasn't a price to speak of, and the chips had been put down, lost by a gamble. One made a long time ago. There was nothing to say, and crimson eyes lowered to the ground. Confusion filled her heart, denial found her mind was already at war with her. The hope that had been there began to dim out, into a flame filled with blackness, a tainted wish. Shizuru wanted the darkness to leave, but she also knew, that darkness was apart of her that would never go away. "It won't go away." Her feelings wouldn't ebb, try though she might to make them vanish. "I can't stop being like this."
"Then why are you trying to force it?" Natsuki answered softly, pulling Shizuru close to her. They'd kissed in the heat of battle. They'd clung onto madness as if it were their only hope within the world...and now, Natsuki was daring to ask what most people would never dare to question.
"Why are you trying to keep it?" The rebuttal Shizuru had was strong.
The questions went unanswered...and days ebbed on into weeks...and weeks led onward until time wasn't something Shizuru cared to count...and as it trickled by, like the droplets that fall from the sky on today's dreary day, she realized that no matter how long she kept up appearances, she longed for Natsuki, and would always want to be by her side. Fixation had become her damnation, and no matter what she did, she couldn't bring herself to admit that one single truth.
