"you broke another mirror.
you're turning into something you are not."

------------------

Your mom won't stop crying. She sleeps alone beneath a tissue blanket every night. And your dad wraps her inside it. He keeps her close while he keeps his whiskey closer, sleeping through every day with wide eyes.

Your brother's never around. You don't know what keeps him safe. What wraps around him. All you know is your brother runs and lifts and pushes Clays empty, untouched, bedroom farther and farther away.

All you know is everyone is numb. Everyone is gone.

Everyone but you. You're not. You're right there, one door down, sleeping in your own Kleenex bed. Your big salty tears spell out a name. They scribble letters down your red cheeks. And it's killing you. It's ripping you apart.

Because they don't spell Clay. They don't belong to him.

They belong to her. Your emptiness spells Ashley.

And it suffocates you.

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

It plays and replays over and over again. Her cries inside your chest. Her blood in your mouth. Her skin beneath your nails.

It was five days ago that you tore her apart. When you grabbed her between your hands, and threatened to never give her back. She was yours, and not because you loved her, not because you needed her.

But because you deserved her. You deserved everything she let you take.


"More."

"Faster."

"More."

"Harder."

"More."

You grunted. Whimpered. Panted and pleaded. No matter how hard she worked or deep she pushed, you needed more. You wished for it. Over and over again in her ear. It wasn't working, you wanted to break, you wanted to feel it in your bones. And she didn't even make a dent. You almost believed she hadn't. But your body told you otherwise. The next morning, your beaten down and aching frame reminded you that that void would not be filled.

No matter how far Ashely thrusted herself inside you. No matter how hard she tried, it wouldn't work, and your sore body knows the reason. Your worn body tells you she only made things worse.

She only stretched your emptiness further.

And maybe that's why she's called you everyday since.

Maybe it's the reason you haven't picked up.

But that's not the reason, and you know it. You know why you've avoided Ashley, running away from the one person you want. You've pushed away the one person you need the most, for that simple reason. She's the person you need and you need too much. You need to see her. You need to hold her. You need to hear her. You need her to hold you.

And you're tired of needing.

"If I lose her, I don't have anything."

When did this happen? When did you lose yourself? When did Ashley become everything?

"I can take care of myself...and with some left over to take care of you."

When did things switch? When did you go from caring about yourself, caring for you both, to finally only caring about her?

You wonder if she ever made the same deal. You wonder if she ever tried the same balancing act.

"You're not alone, I'm not going anywhere."

You said those words, so long ago. You said them when she needed to hear them. When she needed everything and you gave it to her. Because you wanted to. Because you'd give her everything, even if she never asked.

She was never alone. You were always there. She always knew it. You gave her everything, and she never gave it back.

And you wonder if that's why she let you destroy her.

You wonder so much. But not about why you ripped her apart. Not about prom. Not about who she really loves.

No, you wonder far worse.

You wonder if she misses you like you miss her. You wonder if she wonders if you're ok. You wonder if she looks at those ribbon wrapped bruises.

And you wonder if she sees your name on the card.

You hope she sees what those bruises really are. You hope she sees her own gifts rewrapped inside a bigger box. And you hope she can see your apologies. You hope she knows them without having to hear the words.

Because she's not going to hear them from you. Because you're still not sure you're that sorry.

You only know you're supposed to be.

So you keep wondering. You wonder and wonder to the point that you're answering your own questions. You're creating her answers inside your own head.

And you're not liking what you're coming up with.

So this morning, when Ash flashed across your eyes, you answered. You whispered hello. You held your breath. You were ready to stop wondering.

"I thought maybe, um, maybe you might wanna hang out?"

She was nervous. She was concerned. And you were still wondering. So you agreed. You agreed, and now you're here, inside Glen's car pulling inside her driveway.

"So, you know, just text me when you're ready."

"Look I'm your brother, I'm supposed to watch out for you. If someone's getting out of hand, I need to know."

He said those words the last time his car rolled anywhere near this house. You remember his concern, you remember hating it. You didn't need anyone looking out for you. Especially when it came to Ashley.

But today, you wish he were concerned. Today he should be looking out for you.

And then you wish you weren't so selfish. Because today, you should be looking out for him.

"Thanks Glen."

He leaves you with a wordless smile and you wonder why you didn't stay inside the car. You wonder why you're not spending time with someone who needs you for someone who probably doesn't.

For someone who may or may not even want you.

Her house is empty and silent, as always, and for once it comforts you. It feels good to feel familiar. You can hear music playing in her room. You can smell the lavender-to-match-her-bed candles burning. And suddenly familiar doesn't feel so good. Suddenly familiar's too familiar.

When you reach her door, you don't even knock. You never have in the past, and this can't be the day you start. It just can't. So you walk inside that all too familiar room, and find her curled inside her bed. Like you've found her so many times before.

When she sees you she whispers. She whispers "hey you" as if she doesn't want to wake someone up. You wonder if she believes that someone is you because you feel like it is.

And you wonder why you whisper "hey" back.

Everything becomes so still. The music becomes so loud. The candles burn too bright. This all feels too familiar. And you hate it. This shouldn't feel right. You shouldn't have to remember so much good when you're filled with so much pain.

You shouldn't have to remember all you had when all you have is nothing now.

Her nose and eyes wrinkle with concern, "How are you?"

You think for a minute, hearing a ghost whisper "Please have the brains to not ask me how I am."

But you ignore it. That's not you. That's her. So you bite your lip. You hopelessly nod your head. You wearily give her the truth. "not too good."

Tears sneak out the windows of your eyes and you see her hesitant, with a river threatening to push through her dam. You see her begging to hold you, and you know it's not long till the walls crack. She stands from her bed, taking one slow step, before the water rushes through and you're between her arms.

"Oh Spencer, I'm so sorry." She whispers into your neck, and each word cuts through every tear dropping from your cheeks. You hold her. You tie your fingers behind her back, closing her off with your own lock.

Grasping on to everything you had. Hiding it. Hoping the nothing you have now never finds it.

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

You hear your own words. You hear everything you need to hear. You feel everything you need to feel. She's giving you everything you need.

But it's everything you needed five days ago.

"You already had your chance with Ashley!"

And you realize, your chance is running up too. She's right there, between your arms, and all you feel is her slipping away.

You don't want to wonder. You don't want to second guess.

"I don't want to have to ask her to choose."

You don't want it to be a choice. It should have never been a choice. Because it was never one for you.

"I miss you Spencer. I miss you so much. God, I love you so much, and I'm so sorry I made you doubt it. I want you. Only you."

But it's too late. She's ten days too late. But it's more than that. She's weeks late. She's months late. You've been second guessing her for so long, you can't even remember the last time you were sure of her.

"I'm out of your life, I need to figure out mine."

And then you remember. You remember, Spencer. You remember her being enough. You remember when she was all you needed. And you don't want to only remember anymore. You want to feel her. Know her. You want to be her, and you know you can't find her here. Like this. Between these arms.

You can't find Spencer when you're with Ashley.

So you pull away. You look inside her nervous eyes. You crumble. You quiver. You still don't know if you can do this. You still don't know if you're ready for goodbye. But you know, whether you're ready or not, you have no other choice.

"I..." you inhale a shaky breath "...I can't do this."

And like that it's started. The ball's been packed, goodbye's ready to roll, and you just pushed it over the edge.

"Spencer, please, please don't say that, we can do-"

"No Ashley. We can't." [You already had your chance with Ashley! "We had our chance. You had your chance. But you blew it. You had me, Ash, and you lost me."

You look at her shaking before you. You see her hugging her own body. You see her more bruised, battered, beaten up than she was five days ago.

You see your words cutting her deeper than any marks your teeth or nails could have scarred her with.

And it makes you look down to your feet. It turns you away. Because you can't see her hurting. You can't see her falling apart. You can't see her needing you.

"I'm not going to let you push me away, not now, not when you're hurting like this."

Because you'll only give her everything she needs. You'll only give her everything you need.

And once again, you'll be left with nothing.

"I know Spencer, I know I was an idiot. I know I was a fucking idiot. I know and I'll never stop saying I'm sorry. Because I can't lose you. I can't..." she hiccups and you hear her breaking down inside it, "...I just can't. Please give me another chance. You have to give me another chance Spencer. Give me another chance to make it up to you. To make it right. Please let me prove to you, that I will never hurt you like that again."

You brace yourself and finally look at her. You see her and you see it. In those eyes, you see her promises. The same ones she made so long ago.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I love you Ashley..." you say it clearly and you look straight inside her wet eyes "...but I don't believe you."

Her tears would break your heart. Her quivering lips would push you backwards. Her sadness would make you second guess. But you see her eyes, and those eyes, they never lie. Her eyes tell you she knows you're right.

So you hold her. You breathe in everything you had. You feel everything familiar. And you let her go.

You turn around and walk away. Your steps take you farther away from her. And she doesn't even chase after you. She doesn't even try to stop you. No, she lets you go. She lets you go easily and it only makes going harder. You still want to be wanted. You still want to be needed. You still want everything you once had. And you still don't want to lose it.

So when you close that door. When you leave it all behind. When you leave her behind. You whisper goodbye.

You whisper goodbye so softly.

Because you're still afraid someone might wake up.

And you're still wondering why.