Chapter 1: Merry Christmas Uncle Bruce
It was Christmas Eve, about two years back, and the people in the streets of Gotham were singing.
An old fashioned Christmas,
With snow falling hard.
On scenery looking like,
A pretty Christmas Card.
Inside, Garth, the personal aid of Bruce Wayne, was talking with Bruce's clerk, Clark Kent, while the music was going on.
An old fashioned angel,
On top of a tree.
And candlelight shining down,
On friends surrounding me.
Garth did a little dance with Ayla as Clark smiled when Bruce burst in. Clark was a tall lean man with square glasses, black hair, and bright blue eyes.
"Kent!" Bruce called out as the two siblings stopped, and Clark stood at attention. "A pretty way to be wasting my time. 'An old fashioned Christmas.' You'll be an old fashioned pauper if you don't attend to your work."
"You wouldn't discharge me, sir." Clark said nervously. "Not on Christmas Eve."
"Oh, wouldn't I?" Bruce asked when a lump of coal fell out of Clark's jacket pocket. "What's this? Stealing my coal, are we?"
"For the stove, sir." Clark said meekly. "It's so damp and chilly in here."
Clark had to sneak the coal in lump by lump when Bruce's back was turned; luckily, he was never severely punished for it, especially since the office was actually a little refreshing in the summers.
"Next thing, you'll be picking my pockets." Bruce said with a sneer.
"Oh look, sir." Clark said as he saw a figure in red and green pass the window. "Your nephew Dick is coming to pay you a visit."
"What's that fool want?" Bruce asked just as Dick popped in.
"I like him, sir." Clark said. "His smile warms my heart."
Dick was a young man with black hair like Bruce's and green eyes like his mother.
"Merry Christmas, Uncle Bruce!" Dick called out.
"Humbug!" Bruce called back dismissively.
"Oh, be merry, Uncle Bruce." Dick persisted.
"Ha-ha-ha." Bruce said in a lackluster way.
What's so merry on Christmas Day?
The merry money you throw away?
The merry bills you have to pay?
When you say 'Merry Christmas',
I say bah!
Clark shrugged at Garth and Ayla, none of them really knew why Bruce was so cold and unfeeling.
"Here's a present, Uncle Bruce." Dick said as he handed a box to Bruce.
"Humbug!" Bruce called out as he opened the present to reveal, as he suspected, a tie.
I think you are a fool to waste your cash.
What's the present you always buy?
A handkerchief or an awful tie.
Look at this tie, and you'll know why,
When I get Christmas presents,
I say trash!
Bruce tossed the tie away as it ends up wrapped around Clark's neck.
"It's you." Garth said encouragingly.
"Yeah." Ayla continued.
"But everything at Christmas is so jolly and lively." Dick continued. "The Christmas trees and wreaths of holly."
"Poison ivy." Bruce scoffed.
"The girls and boys who dream about St. Nicholas." Dick went on.
"St. Nicholas?" Bruce asked. "Ridiculous."
"Don't you like him, Uncle Bruce?" Dick asked.
"Humbug!" Bruce called out.
'Good old, Nicholas.'
That's a lot of slosh!
I abominate old St. Nick.
His reckless spending makes me sick.
I think St. Nick's a lunatic.
When you say 'Old St. Nicholas',
I say bosh!
"Oh, don't be so cross, Uncle." Dick insisted. "Come, dine with us tomorrow."
"Christmas dinner?" Bruce scoffed. "What a revolting, repugnant institution."
"Oh don't you like a juicy Christmas turkey?" Dick asked.
"Detest it." Bruce argued.
"Plum pudding with a brandy sauce?" Dick went on.
"Can't digest it." Bruce said airily.
"You'll get a mellow feeling for humanity." Dick went on.
"'Humanity?' Insanity!" Bruce called out again.
At this, Clark had to hold Garth and Ayla back at Bruce's pure ire for life.
"You'll enjoy it, Uncle Bruce." Dick assured him.
"Humbug!" Bruce said once more.
It may be fun for you, but not for me.
I'm not happy on Christmas Day.
I'm never cheerful. I'm never gay.
If you think I could feel that way,
Then you are just as stupid as can be.
Bruce then backed Dick back to the door.
If you think I'd be merry,
And chirp like a canary,
Then you are even dumber than a dumb bug!
When you say 'Merry Christmas',
I say fiddlesticks! Poppycock!
And just plain humbug! Humbug!
Humbug, humbug, HUMBUG!
"I pity you, Uncle." Dick said calmly. "Maybe I'll never be as rich as you, but I'll go to my grave still believing in a merry Christmas."
"Good afternoon." Bruce said as he opened the door for Dick.
"A wonderful Christmas!" Dick went on.
"Good afternoon!" Bruce said a bit more forcefully.
"A magnificent Christmas!" Dick finished.
"GOOD AFTERNOON!" Bruce shouted as he kicked Dick out of the house.
()()()()()
Dick picked himself up, brushed himself down and began walking, joining the carolers in song.
An old fashioned Christmas.
With snow falling hard.
On scenery looking like
A pretty Christmas card.
An old fashioned angel,
On top of a tree.
With candlelight dancing down
On friends surrounding me.
Man, that kid is a rock!
