Chapter Two: Water Fight!
Arnold have never been more grateful for silence. The three decided to take a taxi home together. Arnold didn't know why, since Helga clearly seemed to be annoyed with Jay. His point was being proven right now. Arnold turned to Jay, who was staring at Helga, eyes unmoving. Arnold wasn't sure if he was blinking or not.
"Would you stop staring at me?" Helga crossed her arms over her chest and looked out the window.
"I'm sorry. I've just never been this close to a celebrity before," Jay replied, moving his face even closer to Helga's. She kept her body motionless, turning her eyes to glare at him.
Arnold tried to mediate, "I said stop!"
The two continued to bicker, ruining his moment of silence. Arnold rolled his eyes. He knew he'd have to pay for his upcoming comments later, but he needed them to calm down."Hey! Tweedledum and Tweedledee, stop it! Please, for the love of God, shut up or I'll have to sit in between you two!"
Jay simply smirked, very slowly bringing his hand to grip onto Helga's knee, squeezing tightly. It was sort of painful since Jay pinched pure muscle with all of his strength. Helga cringed before smacking him across the face again.
"That's it!" Arnold yelled. He quickly, and awkwardly, made his way across Jay and into the middle of the back of the car. The driver stared at him in the rear view mirror, laughing to himself as he quickly turned the corner. The car sent Arnold flying forwards into Helga's car door. He quickly pushed himself off, finally sitting in between the two twenty-five year old children.
Jay began laughing as Arnold massaged his forehead. "It was just a gentle tap against the window."
"Just like the gentle tap of Helga's palm, right?"
"This is the first stop," the taxi driver interrupted. Helga dove out of the car, excited to finally be home. Jay was really getting on her nerves. But she had barely spoken to Arnold. Helga wanted nothing more than to invite Arnold inside to her empty house. The lights were all turned off and it looked like there had been no sign of anyone living there in months.
But she hesitated. What if he says no? she wondered, before quickly killing her insecurities. There was no doubt Jay would refuse this offer.
"D-do, uh, you guys want to come inside?" she finally choked out.
"Definitely!" Jay cheered. Helga smiled as he ran up her steps.
Arnold quickly paid the cabdriver and took out the two suitcases. Jay was hovering close to Helga's face as she unlocked her front door. She raised her left hand to tell him to back off, but Jay simply high fived her and went inside. Arnold knew this afternoon was going to be difficult.
Helga was right. No one had been in her house in months. But luckily she came prepared. She lifted her suitcase onto the counter and flipped it open.
"What are you doing?" Jay asked.
"Unpacking," Helga replied as if it should've been obvious. She laughed and began unpacking different foods.
Arnold smirked at Helga before grabbing cans of food and shoving them into cabinets. Jay remained frozen in the doorway, still puzzled. "What the fuck? You didn't bring clothes?"
"No, I did." She turned around and smiled, "They're just all different types of lingerie."
Jay bought the lie and fell into the door frame, moaning. "That's so hot."
"Shut up, Jay!"
"You started it! Don't say things like that and I won't picture you half naked. Oh wait. . .I don't have to! I can just whip out my phone and stare at you lovingly all day long!"
Arnold watched as Helga's body tensed. Her fists clenched and she jumped onto the island in her kitchen. She ran across it and dove onto Jay, causing him to fall onto the carpet in her living room. "Son of a bitch! Ah! What are you doing?"
"She's been watching wrestling since she was little. It's best not to move," Arnold yelled over Jay's screams.
"Arnold! Arnold! HELP ME!"
Arnold sighed, put down the box of pasta and turned to see Jay locked in an impressively tight headlock. "Apologize and delete the photo."
Jay continued to struggle, kicking and flailing his arms, trying to grab anywhere he could. He squeezed Helga's legs and her hips, which made her giggle. Jay then went back to clawing at her legs, hoping to at least make her flinch. "Why would you take her side?" he gasped.
"Because you're being creepy."
"Let me go and I'll delete it! Helga, I'm sorry!" He threw his hands up.
Helga released him before ruffling his black hair, "I'm just teasing, Jay."
"Jesus Christ! I'd hate to see you angry!" He rubbed his sore neck, trying to crack the new kink out of it.
Helga smirked. "Did you learn your lesson?"
Jay nodded, "Never speak to you again."
"Perfect."
Arnold and Helga both returned to the kitchen to finish unpacking Helga's food. Jay thought it was weird that Arnold didn't find it weird. Was there some big explanation about Helga's overall weirdness that Jay didn't know about?
It was like the two were in their own little world and Jay didn't exist. It was ridiculous, considering that Jay was the guest. He sat on Helga's kitchen counter, staring at the picture hanging beside the door. There was a big, stocky older man with gray hair and a beeper emblem on his polo, a thin, frail looking older woman supporting a large smile, a blond woman standing in the middle.
But it wasn't Helga, which was odd.
"Hey, Helga?"
She smiled from behind the door of her fridge. "Yes, Jay?"
"Who is this girl and why aren't you in the picture?"
Helga rolled her eyes, tone turning bitter immediately. "That's my sister Olga and my parents. I'm not in the photo because, uh -"
"She was busy taking finals the day of the awards ceremony," Arnold added.
Jay seemed to buy the obvious lie. Helga made a note to herself to remember that he was gullible. "Oh, alright." Jay then hopped off the counter and began to explore the house.
"Don't touch anything or I'll kill you!"
"Alright!" Jay replied, even though he didn't mean it. He knew Helga could kill him - he'd already suffered one close call today - but she wouldn't have said that unless she had something to hide. He quietly ascended the stairs, looking at the family photos on the wall, realizing that Helga was missing from these too. It seemed impossible. . .she couldn't have missed all of these, right? Jay made a mental note to ask Arnold later what the hell was up with her family.
He smiled triumphantly when he saw the sign on the door declaring it "HELGA'S ROOM." Jay quietly opened the door, peeking his head inside only to see an almost-empty room.
"Damn it," he whispered as he pushed inside. He looked around at the unmade twin sized bed, the empty dresser and desk, and the small pillows resting on the window seat. There had to be something in here he could use against Helga, if such situation occurred where blackmail was necessary. He was still secretly pissed about the wrestling thing. He opened up the closet and pulled back the small children's clothes to see a large, vacant space.
His eyes set on the box in front of him, clearly marked DO NOT OPEN in black ink. Of course he ignored this warning and tore off the tape, excitement mounting. What kind of dark secrets could Helga be hiding in this box?
"Oh, fuck yes!" Jay exclaimed as he pulled out a pink notebook. It had to be a diary. All girls kept diaries. He opened it slowly, afraid that it would be booby-trapped or was capable of triggering a silent alarm.
"This is the perfect place to hide dead bodies," a feminine voice spoke from behind him.
"Ahhh!" Jay shrieked.
"What the fuck are you doing in here?" Helga stepped deeper into the closet, eyes narrowed on Jay as she bent down to his level.
His eyes quickly looked down her shirt before forcing his eyes back up, "I was bored."
Helga groaned and stood up, grabbing Jay by the collar. He choked and gasped until he was forced to drop the notebook and free himself with both hands.
"Ouch," he rubbed his sore neck.
"Arnold and I are done unpacking. He's cooking dinner, do you want some or not?"
"Free food? Of course!"
The three sat on Helga's couch eating spaghetti and watching early seasons of America's Next Top Model. The three were shocked at just how skinny these girls were. It looked to be extremely unhealthy.
"Helga, shouldn't you be watching your weight?"
"Not unless I put on ten pounds, but that's not going to happen," Helga quickly jabbed the prongs of her fork into Jay's stomach, "Lardo."
He muttered curse words under his breath before turning back to the TV. Arnold smiled apologetically at Helga. She shrugged.
At six-thirty, the boys had to leave, much to Helga's dismay. "Will you be okay on your own?" Arnold asked.
Helga nodded, "No worries, Football Head."
Jay appeared in the front hallway, smiling brightly. Helga immediately became suspicious. "See you later," Arnold waved goodbye, wheeling his suitcase behind him.
Helga immediately pulled out her cell phone once her front door closed and began texting at a furious rate.
HELGA: Pheebs, I need your help.
PHOEBE: What's wrong?
HELGA: Get me six water guns and tell Gerald, Stinky, Harold, Sid to meet at Arnold's roof. I have some payback to deliver.
PHOEBE: Getting. . . I can't wait to hear about the reason for this one.
The walk from Helga's to Arnold's didn't seem to be as long as he once thought. But Jay wasn't much of a fan for silence, so he decided to strike up casual conversation with his roommate about a certain demonic blond. "So, what's up with you and Helga? You always told me she hated you."
Arnold laughed as the turned down the end of his old street, "Nothing's 'up' with us, Jay."
Jay scoffed. "You guys seemed awfully close while unpacking. And while eating dinner. And when you said goodbye."
"We've just known each other since we were three. Didn't I tell you that?"
"Yes, multiple times. And the fact that you guys were classmates all your entire life. Blah, blah, blah. I know you guys have bumped uglies at least once."
"What's up with your 90's lingo? No one says 'bumped uglies', not even my Grandpa, and he's almost 100."
Jay decided to sidestep Arnold's comment all together and resume with his investigation. "You guys had to have had some action at least once. Kissing? Hooks up? I'll even take hand holding at this point."
Arnold nodded, smiling as the Sunset Arms came into view. They were only a few houses away. "We've kissed before."
"What? When?"
"When we were Romeo and Juliet in fourth grade, and that time we were on Babewatch together she had to give me CPR, and. . .uh. . .was there another one?" he wondered aloud. Of course there was, but Arnold refused to tell anyone about it. "No, there wasn't."
Jay rolled his eyes again. "That's it? Just scripted kisses?"
"Yeah," Arnold lied. "We've had a very serious bully-victim relationship since the beginning." Arnold jumped up the steps to the boarding house. He had missed this place so much. All of the boarders made college kids seem normal. "I have to warn you, things here are," Arnold struggled to find the right word, "different."
"Alright, I can't wait! Hit me with your best shot!"
And at that moment the front door opened to reveal Arnold's grandmother, Gertie, holding a very large Nerf water gun. Gerald, Stinky, Harold, Helga and Sid appeared on the roof of the boarding house, laughing hysterically as they drenched the two.
When the group finally ran out of water, Gertie looked up at the roof. "We did it Eleanor!"
Helga smirked, feeling very successful in her mission. She knew Jay had been reading her old poetry books from elementary school. This was her first strike of retaliation. "That we did, Gertie. That we did."
Arnold smiled and hugged his grandmother before introducing his soaking wet roommate to her. She promptly dubbed him 'Dino', asked him how his tour was, and disappeared into the kitchen to cook.
Phil appeared in the hallway, leaving the basement and his "special office", smiling brightly. He embraced his wet grandson with open arms, "Welcome home, Short Man." Arnold hugged him back tightly, "Thanks Grandpa."
After Jay met Phoebe, Stinky, Herald, Sid and Helga, the dry group sat in Arnold's living room. Stinky, Sid and Harold were engrossed in a conversation about a party at Rhonda's to notice anything going on.
Gerald and Jay followed Arnold. Jay just wanted a towel, but Gerald wanted to talk. Gerald could tell that Arnold was pissed. He was being very quiet, which was unlike him at his homecoming.
Arnold yelled to his grandparents in the kitchen, "I'll be right back down, I need to change!"
Grandpa announced from the stairs, "The borders decided to go out to the beach to give you a night to yourself, but they'll all be home tomorrow morning." Arnold nodded, even though no one could see him.
Arnold was really in no mood to see the humor in this situation. He was soaked to the bone in what he could only hope was water. "You couldn't have warned me Gerald?" Arnold shrugged out of his shirt and threw it onto the floor. Gerald laughed.
"And ruin the surprise? Never!" Gerald handed his best friend a dry towel from the stack of laundry on his bed. Jay shook his hair out and sat down on the bed beside Gerald. The two exchanged an awkward smile since they hadn't been formally introduced yet.
Arnold sighed and toweled himself off. These type of pranks were right up Helga's alley. He had assumed she had changed, but he was clearly wrong. He had never been seriously bothered by them before. So, Arnold decided to shrug it off as a harmless joke, even if he was still upset about it. Arnold warned Jay to watch himself around her.
His response was "No promises, Arnold. Hot women always make me lose my mind."
Helga fell back onto the couch in Arnold's living room, glaring at the television, arms crossed over her chest. "He deserved it!"
Phoebe doubted her friend's reasons for retaliation, but decided to go along with it anyway. "I'm sure he did."
"Pheebs, he's been nothing but a creep to me since he saw me in the airport. Maybe now Jay will treat me like Helga G. Pataki and not," she added an extra feminine tone to her voice, "Helga, the supermodel."
Phoebe turned and faced her friend, "But Helga you are a supermodel. And a really good one."
Helga turned her attention to her nails in order to hide the blush on her cheeks. Yeah, she really loved modeling, but actually admitting it wasn't something Helga G. Pataki would do. Helga G. Pataki was tough, took no one's shit, and fought back with Ol' Betsy and the Five Avengers. She didn't need anyone's help and was everything but a girl. And Helga the supermodel. . . she was as delicate and feminine as you could get.
Helga groaned.
Phoebe leaned forwards, "You alright?"
"I. . .I have to go. I need to - I gotta," she jumped to her feet, "Tell the boys I needed to do something."
"Okay," Phoebe replied, but Helga didn't hear her. She was already storming out the front door.
