It had been six months since James had lay unconscious and Sirius had sat on a park bench, fag in hand and contemplating the what if's in life. Winter, bitter cold and vengeful had finally faded and spring had come; if you wanted to be poetic about it you could talk about the blooming buds, soft wind and light blue sky hinting at new beginnings… but as it was, this was Sirius Black and he had no intention, whatsoever, of being poetic about anything. In fact the thoughts that occupied his mind as he sat at the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, would stain any poetic vision of an idyllic life. They were thoughts filled with darkness and death and… the reality of the past six months because although it had been James who had lay unconscious in December, they had all since had their turn; Remus had been on the receiving end of a particularly nasty hex from Bellatrix, Peter had been missing for two days before being found unconscious and bruised, Sirius himself, had been out of it for nearly a week thanks to Severus "Snivellus" Snape…

And then there had been the deaths.

And although it was perhaps harsh to admit it; no one remembered them all. There were far too many; the Ravenclaw girl Sirius had once taken on a date, the boy two years younger than them who had been obsessed with everything muggle, people they had once sat side by side with in Hogwarts, shop owners they had haggled with for a good deal...Death had become common place; so and so had been burned alive with fiend fyre, the family in Middlesbrough attacked by inferi, Voldermort himself had killed the Waltons… They blurred together; one death and then another and another and another until they became mere names on the front of the Prophet, statistics used by politicians; X-percentages of deaths Muggles or Muggleborns or Blood traitors….

It was hard, of course, when you not only lived in the horror but fought directly against it. It was hard not to become affected, not to just cry and scream when you saw the mangled body of a seven year old child or heard the death of a long lost friend. But they tried to fight past the threatening-to-spill-out emotions and thought Sirius, for the most part, they managed. He and James, for example, had made it their mission to merely double their efforts in the resistance at every news of a death but never, never they promised would they fall into the trap of hopelessness and unserviceable tears.

But then Spring had cruelly come and not only taken away one of their own but savagely changed James Potter.

She had died in May, at the start of Spring. It had been her favourite season. Sirius frowned; how he had known that seemingly random fact he did not know but he knew Spring, with its flowers and fake promises of new beginnings had been her favourite season. Dorcas Meadows, the brown eyed girl who had been a big sister to his best friend. He remembered her eyes twinkling as she teased James; "I remember once…" she would start and James would blush before she had even got to the teasing. She had known him before any of them; before he, Remus, Peter or Lily had even heard of James Potter; she had babysat him (though James objected to the term) when his parents had been out and had been the designated James Watcher at any dinner party where his parents suspected he would cause havoc. She had cared for him, Sirius realised, like a big sister and James in turn, had cared for her. But now she was gone and his friend was a mess.

A missing mess.

They had been at Headquarters for over forty-five minutes you see, but though Alice and Frank and Benjy and Emmeline and every other member (save Dumbledore who was needed at Hogwarts) had arrived James and Marlene were still notoriously absent. And though at one time (an easier, better time) Sirius would not make a fuss that James was late from a mission, the way his friend had been acting for the past three weeks meant his stomach squirmed with fear. He met Lily's eyes across the room and saw his own fear reflected and after trying and failing to give her a reassuring smile turned away.

Thankfully, however, ten minutes later his stomach was permitted to unclench.

His friend had arrived, albeit not in the best condition. James was, Sirius noticed, limping, had a long gash across his forehead and singed robes. Marlene, in contrast, looked perfectly fine, not that is, counting the dust on her robes and her slightly disheveled blond hair. Sirius narrowed his eyes at this but stayed silent and like the rest of the occupants of the room continued to watch James and Marlene; they were, you see, currently in the midst of a rather loud argument.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Potter? You could have gotten yourself killed; you idiotic…"

"I saved your bloody life. How about a 'thank you'?"

"THANK YOU? You want me to thank you after you ruined two months, two months, of planning!"

"We got two death eaters! You're alive, I'm alive- I don't see what the big problem is!"

"The problem is we were meant to wait! But no, you have to be so damn emotional!"

"He killed her. He killed her and he was there! What did you expect me to do? Twiddle my thumbs?"

Marlene rolled her eyes; "Yes, he was there but you damn well let him get away. Again, I might add."

The room, if possible, fell into even more silence and Sirius watched as James already pale face lost even more colour. Marlene on the other hand, was slowly turning pink; "Oh James, I'm sorry. I was just angry…I…" but before Marlene could mutter any more apologies Moody reappeared from the fireplace where he been in the middle of a consultation with Dumbledore. He dusted his robes, and sent a cursory gaze around the room before pausing on the still standing James and Marlene; "Where the hell have you two been?" was all it took from him, before Marlene burst into speech.

She talked quickly, loudly and (as was usual for Marlene McKinnon) used a lot of hand gestures. Everyone listened in silence as she spoke, their eyes fixed to her and also, Sirius realised, carefully avoiding James besides her. He shook his head slightly, before focusing once more on what she was saying; from what he had pieced together from her exceedingly long speech James had volunteered to help in a stake out of a suspected death eater meeting place; the plan had been to only watch and spy. Not attack, at least not yet, especially with only two of them. But James had seen Lestrange, the man who had killed Dorcas and had then seemingly lost all sense of logic. The rest, as they say, was history. Lestrange had escaped with most of the others; they had, however, succeeded in killing two death eaters but Marlene had been adamant to point out, at the expense of any future spying.

Moody had stayed silent for a few moments after Marlene had finished before barking out a few questions. He had then sighed and after giving James a look that Sirius clearly took to mean "Dumbledore'll deal with you", had proceeded with the rest of the meeting.

Sirius continued throughout to keep one eye on his pale-faced and obviously hurt friend, narrowing his eyes when he saw James ignore Lily's concerned gaze. James and Lily were engaged, they were also however in the midst of a fight that had started two days ago. In fact James was fighting with a lot of people at the moment; he had insulted Peter, unnecessarily argued with Remus, Frank and Benjy. It was…well, understandable in a way, Sirius supposed but he had also had enough; today things would have to change; James had had his three weeks of misery, anger and downright recklessness.

"…And Evans and Black I want you in Oldham tomorrow. Nine o'clock sharp. Dumbledore's had reports of the Imperious being used there and I want you to…"

"NO!"

Everyone, Sirius included, jumped at James exclamation; "No, don't send…Lily doesn't need to go. She…she can't. She needs to, uh, brew that potion, the one…" he grasped at his hair and looked up at Moody; "I'll go. Let me go with Sirius… we'll check…"

"I'm perfectly able to go James" Lily spoke quietly but firmly; "The potion is done" James glared but Lily merely turned to Moody; "Sirius and I'll be there, nine o'clock"

James turned to Sirius; it was automatic, thought Sirius that he should do so; whenever a situation such as this came up they stood up for each other- James would always take Sirius's part; it had been in this very room he had shouted at Moody in his defense and Sirius was expected to do the same. And he did, usually. He backed up his friend even if he was being ludicrous (just as James did for him) because that's what friends do. But today at James pleading look for him to say something, anything to change Moody's mind, Sirius couldn't. Well, he could but he wouldn't. He wouldn't support James because he knew no matter what James thought he was not fit to go out. He would end up hurt yet again or worse dead so no, he would not say anything. Instead, he turned his eyes away from James and towards the vase of flowers Emmeline had placed at the center of the table- as though roses would somehow sweeten the talk of death and war.

He could feel James eyes boring into him but resolutely focused his gaze on the vase in front of him; yellow roses, they were and he nearly smiled as a memory came crashing down. "Going to propose with yellow roses, Jamsie?"

James had frowned; "Don't call me that, Dor! And yeah, they're pretty, right? And Lily hates it when she gets lilies and yellow…well, it's bright, happy, hopeful…"

"It symbolises friendship, you prat" Dorcas had said through a smile; "You're giving her a symbol of friendship and proposing…"

James eyes had widened; "what? But that's stupid. It's just a flower! It doesn't have to mean anything."

Dorcas had laughed and James had suddenly turned to Sirius. Sirius had recognised the mischief in his friends eyes even before James had dramatically got down on one knee holding out the rose; "Oh Padfoot, do you take this rose and promise to be my bestest friend for ever and ever?" Dorcas had clutched her stomach in laughter, Sirius had given James the finger and pushed him over; it had resulted in them struggling in a playful fight as the florist glared… "You daft prick" Sirius had called him afterwards and they had both fallen into another bout of laughter.

Neither of them had laughed like that in weeks.


The meeting eventually came to an end and slowly people began to leave; Marlene had whispered another quick "Sorry" to James that he hadn't responded to before leaving- a pitying look in her eyes. Frank had patted him on the back and Lily had ran her hands through his hair slowly; Sirius remembered a time when this small action had caused James to relax and smile lazily, today however at her touch James stiffened and Lily, trying desperately hard to hide the hurt in her eyes, left.

Finally, only the Marauders remained and after a few minutes of tense silence Remus and Peter stood up; "We're heading to the pub, want to come?"

"No" James answered without looking up.

Sirius glared at him before turning to Remus; "We'll be there in half an hour. Where you headed anyway?"

Remus gave him the name of the pub and after giving James one more curious look turned to leave, a nervous Peter following.

"I'm not going to the pub"

"You are"

"No, I'm not"

"Yes, you are"

"No, I'm not"

"Yes, you are" Sirius said in his most haughty; "I'm bored" tone.

"No" James spoke through gritted teeth; "I'm not"

"Yes, you…"

"What do you want, Padfoot?" James turned to look at him and Sirius smirked; "Me? I want a lot of things. Unlimited supplies to Zonko's, a better bloody Mister of Magic, oh and world peace, of course"

James glared.

"And I want the real James Potter back"

"I am the real James Potter" James said, rolling his eyes.

"Really? Because it doesn't look like it to me. In fact, to me it looks like you're being a git, a rather large git. You're rude to everyone. Don't look at me like that; it's true and now I know I'm no saint but c'mon that's me, you're James bloody Potter- you don't suit the whole moody 'I'm an arsehole' routine…"

James glared- he seemed to be doing that a lot, Sirius noted; "And…" he continued; "you're acting like a damn fool" he shook his head slightly; "you're not invincible Prongs- you can't take on every damn death eater"

"I can try"

Sirius rolled his eyes; "Yeah, and end up six feet under?"

James shrugged; "Maybe" he looked up at Sirius; "if that's what it takes"

This time it was Sirius who clenched his jaw. He stood, stared at his friend as though he had never seen him before, and then (in the same way as James had once done to him) swung his arm back and punched his friend square in the jaw.

James swore, rubbed his face, spat blood and then after glaring at his best friend for a moment, lunged. They both fell to the ground, each trying to cause more harm to the next; a punch here, a kick there…

It was reminiscent, Sirius thought, of the fights they had once had in their school dormitories, the only difference, he realised, was that then the fights would be over lost dares, or over who had the last fag and it would end, always, with both of them laughing and out of breath. But this fight, this was…vicious and when it ended and they both sat up panting there was no laughing.

"We're…we're fighting this war to live. So that the world we live in isn't so fucked up" he paused; "we're not fighting to die" At the back of his mind, Sirius realised how strange of a predicament he was in; this, giving advice, ensnaring hope, pulling the plug on pessimism…it was all James forte, not his, definitely not his.

He turned to look at James, realising just how much the past few weeks had damaged him; his skin was paler than usual, dark bags hung under his eyes, and a red, blazing scar that he had apparently been "too busy" to heal covered his left cheek.

"You can't…you can't carry on with this death mission" he said fiercely; "we're going to fight and kill as many of those bastards as we can but we're not going to die bloody martyrs, ok?"

When James didn't answer, Sirius continued, trying to squash the fear that was beginning to envelope him; "You dying is not going to solve anything… even if you kill a dozen death eaters while you go" he paused; "do you even give a damn about Lily while you're there acting like you're bloody invincible?"

There was silence for a few minutes then as James rubbed a hand tiredly over his face; "I…it was my fault Padfoot. It was all my fault. And I can't…I can't just carry on while that bastard is out there! He…it was all my fault" he shook his head again; "And I'll kill him, I promise you I won't let him go next time…" he clenched his fists together.

"And I'll be right there next to you when you get him but c'mon Prongs it wasn't your fault! You know that; Dorcas was an amazing fighter and she knew what she signed up for, we all did. And she died fighting…but it wasn't your fault."

But James shook his head; "I lead them, the death eaters to a corner- taunting them, thinking I was clever" he swallowed; "I thought I'd get them in that corner and there would be nowhere to go and we'd get them y'know? Moody was on the way- I could keep them there, he'd arrest them…" he ran a hand over his face; "I ended up trapping her with them…I…I killed her Sirius, I killed my own friend"

Sirius stared at his friend, unsure what to say; this was not his role; James was the fixer, James, not him, never him. "It wasn't your fault" he said again; "It was Voldermorts, definitely Voldermorts and it was this sick war and bloody Lestrange but it was not your fault"

He paused, his eyes falling once more on the vase of yellow roses; an image of the smiling Dorcas entering his mind; "She cared for you James, she really cared for you…you, you were her brother I guess, and she would never blame you. You know that, right? And I mean, imagine it was…was you…and she blamed herself- you would hate that" Sirius could feel James watching him but somehow could not bring himself to look at his friend- seeing a ghost of the old James was not an easy task.

He cleared his throat before carrying on; "you…doing this; not eating, sleeping, putting your whole life on hold. Trying to protect us all and be at every damn place, it's not helping anyone. It's definitely not helping Dorcas or this war." He turned to James again; "we're in a war James; you need to fight but you need have your head, you need to be healthy and you need to live goddammit! This is what they want Prongs, they want us to fall apart but…we're going to do this; you're going to pull yourself together and we are going to win this damn war, ok?"

James nodded slowly and there was silence for a moment, each of them lost in their own thoughts before James quietly spoke; "I didn't go to her funeral. I tried…I got ready, I even apparated there but…I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it Padfoot…I haven't even been there once…"

Sirius turned to his friend and sighed; he had wanted to go the funeral, Remus, Lily, Emmeline, Alice and Frank they had all wanted to go but Dumbledore had made it clear a funeral filled with Order members would be dangerous and suspicious. Only James had been granted permission; he had been a childhood friend, after all. Sirius watched the guilt on his friends face and making up his mind, quickly stood up; "come on"

James frowned; "Where?"

"You want to go visit her grave, right? Then let's go now"

James opened his mouth, looking as though he was contemplating arguing before standing up slowly. Sirius watched his friends timid movements and rolled his eyes; "Stand still" he commanded, before pulling out his wand.

They had been through enough injuries in their lives (first, helping Moony at full moons, and then in the Order) that they were more than proficient in healing spells. Within ten minutes; James could finally put pressure on his leg, the blood had been siphoned from his clothes and the cuts on his face had been sewn together. Feeling slightly more human, he grabbed Sirius's arm and apparated.

The sky was beginning to darken when they arrived at the graveyard in Manchester; the air was cool and fresh but James felt as though he was being suffocated. Breathing deeply, he slowly made his way through the graves, Sirius by his side, until they reached the one. The both stopped and stared at the marble stone engraved with the words Dorcas Meadows, Brave fighter, loyal friend, Sweet Sister.

James bent down his fingers lightly touching over the words; "Andrew must have chosen the words" he finally said and Sirius nodded, thinking of Dorcas's younger brother- he had hated she was in the Order; "you're going to end up dead" he had once told her and she had. Sirius felt his throat constrict; was this the fate that awaited them all? Dead before they had even lived? He watched his friend quietly murmur to the grave and shook his head; no, no, he would not let that happen…he clenched his jaw; it wouldn't happen- it wouldn't.

Twenty-minutes later and they were slowly making their way out of the graveyard; James had said his goodbyes, properly this time and had begun to think of his friends' words. Sirius was right, he realised, there was no time to play martyr and there was definitely no time to mope; he needed to live; life was precious. Dorcas may have died young but she had lived life to the fullest. The pain and grief of her death still hung over him, clutching to his skin but he felt…lighter in the knowledge that he would not let her death be in vain. He would not go out every day like a madman giving no thought to others; he would recover and then he would fight harder than ever.

But even as this thought came; he could not stop the familiar fear that he would lose another friend. First Dorcas… who next? Sirius, his brother who had done so much for him? Remus, who suffered so much and deserved happiness? Peter, who everyone underestimated but who always managed to get them out of tough spots? Lily? Lily, his fiancé…his life? He clenched his fists together and closed his eyes tightly; please, please don't let me ever live to see them die. He did not know who he was praying to, did not if he believed in God, but he did know he would never want to feel the pain of losing a friend again. He would die before them all.


By the time they arrived at the pub it was loud and noisy. They spotted Lily first and James automatically smiled and made his way over to her. Her eyes widened in shock before she broke out into a smile and ran to hug him. Over his shoulder she found Sirius's eyes and mouthed a thank you, he gave her a wink and began to make his way over to the bar. He was about to hand over the payment for the two pints he had ordered (one of course, for James) when an arm pushed passed him and paid; "It's on me tonight, Black" said a grinning James.

"Ah well, then I'll make the most of it. Make that two more pints!" he told the barman, a smile on his face.

James rolled his eyes, before taking the seat next to him; "Thank you" he said quietly; "Thank you for taking me to the graveyard, thank you for…for well, y'know" he shrugged, a hint of pink on his cheeks.

Sirius clapped him on the back; "that's what friends are for, right?" They both grinned and lifting up the pints, muttered "cheers" and drank.


Sirius had once thought James Potter would never needed saving. He was proved wrong but rather than bring disappointment, James Potter's reaction the death of a friend merely proved something he had known all along; to James Potter friendship was everything. He was the one who had decided that since he couldn't stop his friends lycanthropy, it would be a good idea to be an illegal animagus, he was the one who had stood up to six year Slytherins for teasing Peter when they were only twelve (he had ended in the hospital wing but hadn't cared), he was the one who had forgiven and forgotten and told Sirius he was entirely not like them.

Friendship defined James Potter.

They had all been affected by Dorcas's death; Remus who had shared a love of chocolate and old books with her, Peter who had enjoyed her honest laughter at his silliest jokes, Lily who had been in the midst of planning a wedding with her help, he himself, had enjoyed hearing her tease James…

But none of them had been overcome with the same reaction as James.

Lily was used to hiding her emotions; a product, maybe, of her friendship with Snape, Remus had suffered enough to know how to deal with perpetual misery, to Peter a joke covered up any pain and he Sirius, a Black knew well enough how to hide emotions- he had been trained since childhood after all. But James, well, James held his heart on his sleeve and he felt and laughed and lived to the greatest extent. He was used to fixing them all but Dorcas had gone and he could not fix it so he tried to do what he had thought was right; fight without a second care. To some, maybe it made him weak but to Sirius it showed the true strength of his friend who would, truly, do anything for his friends.


Hi again! Hope you all enjoyed this; it was a bit depressing I guess, but everyone always writes about James helping Sirius and I thought it would be nice to see the roles reversed. Anyway, please review :D