The noise of shouts and gunfire started to become a droning hush as his consciousness slowly tuned it out. In front of him was a wall attached with multiple monitors displaying different battlefields full of fire and carnage. It contrasted the numbness he felt from the cold air conditioning.
If it was a couple of months ago the image of young women putting themselves into the line of fire would've, at the very least, made him flinch but right now his mind was calm.
Maybe even a bit too calm.
It made him unsettled at how adaptive the human mind is.
Whether getting used to things was good or bad, he wasn't sure but a certain sentence from a certain girl with a striking black eyepatch on her right eye floated to the top of his head.
"'But we're not humans…' huh," he whispered under his breath as if trying to reenact that scene. "Even so, I'd like to keep a small part of my innocence if it's possible."
After giving him a mission to eliminate potential Sangvis threats that would endanger their counterattack, the bubbly logistics officer had left.
There was no one else in the room, scattered with combat reports everywhere, so his voice was drowned out by the sounds of the hectic battlefield. In this small, isolated, room all he could do was look at the flashing rectangles on the wall showing him how his command was going.
It was all too easy to think back to that girl and her words. His mind would've wandered off to the occasional drinking sessions he had with her, too, but the small throbbing pain from his chest and legs kept him from doing so.
The pain reminded him that he was sending off soldiers that looked like young women into the battlefield. It reminded him of his responsibility but it also proved to him something else; something more important.
It meant that he was still alive.
"Commander?" a soft voice broke his reverie.
He turned around to see a young girl with long black hair highlighted by green streaks. The light gray apparel she wore on top was shredded and there was barely a trace of her beige military coat, which she normally tied to her waist. Her thighs were also exposed due to the damage to her clothing, revealing some dark spots of dirt and grime that covered her ceramic-like complexion.
In the dark irises of this young girl he could see worry and confusion. It was something he was supposed to be used to but the years had dulled his edge.
And maybe it was for the better that it did.
After all, if he wanted to maintain his humanity, maybe this was the only way.
"What's the status, M4?" he called out her name as the noise of gunfire and chaos started to fill his ears once more
"Yes sir, we finished sweeping the area and found no other Sangvis threats in the vicinity," she replied with a pause.
Her voice was firm but he could sense a bit of distress in it.
He didn't need to ask why.
"We didn't find any information about AR15's whereabouts as well."
"I see," he breathed out heavily, the subtle pain in his body reminding him of the situation.
The one standing in front of him, looking like she was forcing down her uneasiness with a facade of calm, was not human. Her robotic right arm was a giveaway. The damaged beige assault rifle she was named after slung by her side, giving more credence to the fact.
She was a T-doll; a mechanized android equipped to fight battles humans couldn't risk partaking in.
And he was a commander; the one who gives them the orders to march through the line of fire to eliminate enemy threats. The one who should be responsible for their well-being while they were under his command.
The one who should notice when one of them was acting differently.
He took a good look at M4's haggard appearance then sighed. In front of him stood a troubled young girl with clouded eyes full of doubt and apprehension. The distinction between human and T-doll didn't matter. In the end, she was just a young girl trust into a situation she couldn't handle.
He walked closer to her as his hand moved forward, seemingly by impulse, to rest on her head. The T-doll, who was a head shorter than him, was surprised and started to look up at him.
"Um… Commander?" she spoke meekly.
She looked straight at him with bewilderment in her eyes but if she asked why he was doing it, he didn't have a clear answer. It might be an impression from the past or just his overall insecurity about comforting someone but it felt like this was the best he could do.
He even thought if ever the overprotective older sister, who would consistently tell him in drunken stupor to never touch her sisters, would come to see this, she wouldn't have minded.
"You're doing fine," he said almost unconsciously.
She looked at him completely lost at his words.
"AR15 running away isn't your fault."
M4 dropped her gaze at his words.
He sighed, not knowing what to tell her. Had her older sister been in his place, he wondered if she could've done better.
He took off his hand from her head and just started to say what was on his mind.
"I'll be honest. When I first saw you, standing beside the lifeless body of Executioner, I thought you were an emotionless robot that could do anything the mission needed you to do."
M4 stirred and looked back at him; her expression unreadable.
He, too, didn't know here he was going with it as well but he continued on.
"I was still fairly unfamiliar with T-dolls that time. I found it hard to send out young women to the battlefield so I thought of you guys as infallible weapons as a way to make myself feel better. I thought you were fully capable as long as it was possible."
He trailed off for a moment, a small and subtle smile appearing on his face for a moment as the image of a black haired woman appeared in his mind. Her smug smile looking more intimidating with the eyepatch on her right eye; all the while being captivating with the beauty mark under her left. If she ever heard him say what he did, he thought she'd think she was right.
"But I was wrong. T-dolls aren't only calculating machines. Just like humans, they have emotions, ideas, and flaws. They make mistakes but own up to it and try to do better. Do you know how I learned that?"
His voice was firm and clearly directed at the T-doll, all too similar to a him, whose attention he had hooked.
As she noticed his question directed at her, M4 shook her head as a response.
"A machine would've asked for help. At that moment, beside the defeated enemy you yourself outsmarted, you asked to be saved. That's why I said you're doing fine."
She looked back down and remained silent again.
He didn't know if it was because she was thinking of his words or looking for faults in it. He hasn't fulfilled his promise his promise to her yet. Things have gotten further complicated with the current events too. It took a lot in him to keep thinking that everything is still fine yet he could easily say it to the uncertain T-doll in front of him. He wouldn't have been surprised if she had called him a hypocrite because he would have if he was in her position.
But she didn't. She wasn't blaming him, she was blaming herself. That might be why he could easily empathize with her.
After a few moments of quiet, M4 finally looked up and softly asked, "Do you think emotions make us flawed, Commander?"
"No, I don't.," he replied firmly. "It's true that emotions make us act illogical or feel overwhelmed but they are also a source of motivation. They become a reason why we want to be better."
He looked at M4's eyes and she held his gaze for a moment before he continued, "They're the reason why we end up wanting to save those we care for, right?"
"What do I do if it feels impossible?" she asked in a shaky voice. With eyes that look like she was looking for salvation, she asked him, "What if I'm not reliable enough?"
She looked straight at him like a desperate child looking for someone to lean on. It was a stark contrast to the front she'd normally put up. Although she always looked shaky and lacking in confidence, she never voiced out her insecurities.
She always wanted to look reliable even in the face of adversity.
Ever since he'd been briefed of the situation after recovering from the ambush, he had been watching over M4. From his perspective, she had been doing well holding together her team all the while completing her missions.
On the outside, it looked like there was no problem at all.
He would've believed the same thing too had he not been in a similar situation before. And he understood that there was more to her question than what she said.
Being a leader means taking responsibility, not just of the mission but of its members. Their lives end up being on the leader's account.
That responsibility hanging on one person's shoulder is tiring. Sometimes, it felt like carrying the whole world.
"You know, there were people who got hurt because of me," he started to speak as he closed his eyes, trying to stir his memories.
In the darkness, the scent of singed clothing and gunpowder started to fill his nose. The noise of the bleeping monitors and equipment faded out and was replaced with the loud crackle of gunfire and ghastly screams.
"Because I was inexperienced."
The pain in his chest became a pressure crushing his tired lungs because of his heavy breathing. His hands felt a heavy and cold weight to it; an intricate weapon he was very familiar with.
"Because I was careless."
He opened his eyes and the mundane room he stood commanding his troops had changed into a city of ruin engulfed by flames and rubble. Blood and debris littered the barren dusty streets as corpses were littered messily. The bodies of children and adults stared at him judgingly contrasting the silhouette of a young woman who was facing away.
"Because I was unreliable."
He closed his eyes again and breathed deeply. The weight in his hands disappeared and the smell of blood had dispersed.
"Even now, I still make mistakes."
When he opened his eyes again and his vision changed to a similar city of ruin yet this time it wasn't humans that were on the ground screaming in pain. Bodies of T-dolls were by his feet; their lifeless eyes staring at him with condemnation.
"I still cause pain to those I care about."
He closed his eyes again and when he opened it he returned to the same old room with the fragile looking T-doll staring at him expectantly.
"But I still keep going."
He placed his hand back on her head and gently caressed it. The T-doll in front of him looked fragile enough that she looked like she would break under his touch.
As his memories completely faded away, he smiled at M4 and finished his thought. "We both need to keep going to protect and save those we care about."
He removed his hand and stepped back. He didn't know if his words would help her or if she thought they were pointless words spouted by an ignorant human but the smile she returned after he let go of her looked a bit lighter.
"Thank you, Commander," she said, her eyes seemingly a bit clearer now, before she turned back and headed out.
Looking at her back, still looking a bit shaky and unreliable, as she left, he was reminded of himself. He wondered if he was still the same or whether he could protect a young girl's promise now.
As the doors closed, he thought back to M4's request when they first met and sighed.
"'Save us'… huh."
