I am so screwed. So fucking screwed. I walk with Derek, or rather, a few steps behind him, towards the patient's room. He's briefed me on the patient. Mr. Curran is 53 and has a Glioblastoma multiforme in his occipital region. It was likely that with surgery to remove the tumor, he would die. His odds either way sucked and he was taking a risk and was having the surgery.
"Meredith…" he's facing me now. I shake my head at him as I train my eyes on the floor. I can't look at him, because I know if I do…those eyes will suck me in.
"Derek please, just leave me alone. I don't want to do this anymore, alright? I'm too hurt and it's too hard. Just…request Izzie or something," I say as I take off in the opposite direction.
I hear footsteps coming up fast behind me. I sigh before turning around. I face him and make the mistake of staring him down. His eyes are soft and remorseful. I break the eye contact and look past him.
"Mer we need to talk. Please?" He says as he heads off towards a conference room. I'm rooted to the spot for a moment before I reluctantly follow.
I close the door and see him sitting down. I sit across from him, but 2 seats down so we're diagonal from each other.
"You wanted to talk Derek, so talk. Even though I don't want to hear anything you say," I mutter.
"What do you want me to say Meredith?! You weren't ready and I found someone who was ready. You can't be mad at me for that."
"Jesus Christ Derek! I thought I was the love of your life?! You only get one of those…ever. You were the guy that…whatever. It doesn't matter what I say anymore. You aren't my boyfriend, you aren't my anything anymore. I don't need to communicate with you. You don't get to know all the intricacies of my life anymore Derek. You ended this by dating the woman after Sydney. I'm done. It's over, please stop chasing me and let me be happy. Or content because God knows I can't be happy ever again. Goodbye Derek," I say as I storm out of the room.
I find Bailey and tell her that I'm sick and need to go home. She hesitates, then groans and allows me to leave. I need to get the hell out of this hospital. I need to get away from Derek.
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I watch as she slams the door shut. The sound of the bang not only hurts my ears, but my heart as well. She's just closed the door to our relationship. I know I was stupid for asking all those things of her, but I had hoped that it would light a fire under her ass and help her commit. That definitely blew up in my face. I couldn't love Rose like I love Meredith. I press the heels of my palms to my eyes and groan loudly. I contemplate throwing the chair clear across the room, but I settle for pushing myself back from the table forcefully, causing the chair to slam against the wall. My pager starts going off, it's Mr. Curran.
As I'm heading off to his room I grab O'Malley. He seems reluctant to come with me, but oh well I am his boss. Mr. Curran is seizing and I decide that the surgery can't wait any longer.
"O'Malley go book an OR this needs to come out right now."
"Yes sir," he mutters before shuffling off.
My mind keeps going back to that conference room. She said we were done. I had told her before that this thing with us was finished, but then we had dirty hot sex at prom. I'm really hoping that she didn't mean what she said, but that's the optimistic side. And Meredith never tends to be optimistic, so I know she meant what she said.
I watch as Mr. Curran is wheeled off to pre-op. I linger in the room a minute and gather myself before heading to the scrub room. I scan the OR board, trying to see if Meredith was assigned to someone else's service, but her name's nowhere to be seen. I run my fingers through my hair and then I realize that I've been pacing. I can't believe how big of an ass I've been. I should've waited for her. I'd do anything for her, I'd wait forever…but I did it to hurt her. I did it to goad her into the relationship thing, the forever thing.
I make my way to the scrub room slowly, methodically. Each step is precise, much like my surgical techniques, and I see Rose ahead of me entering the room. I breathe in deeply before pushing the door open.
"Hey baby. How are you today?" She gives me a quick kiss. I close my eyes at the pet name. Meredith and I never ever used them, it wasn't us. But Rose calls me every fucking pet name in the book which makes my blood boil each time one tumbles out of her mouth.
"I'm fine."
Oh God…I did not just use Meredith's word. I run my hand through my hair before scrubbing in. She stands there a second longer, seeing if I have anything else to say, but when I say nothing she goes into the OR.
I hear the whoosh of the door and I look up to see O'Malley. His face is blanched and before I go to ask what's wrong, I hear the distinct beep of asystole.
"Shit," I murmur as I scrub harder and faster. I run into the OR and Rose helps me get into a gown. I snap on the gloves and make my way over to Mr. Curran, they're shocking him, but there's no response.
"What the hell did you do?" I direct to no one in particular.
"We just put him under and he started coding."
They're shocking him at 360 and still no rhythm. His prognosis wasn't good to begin with and I think that it's somewhat pointless to continue to resuscitate him. I look up and someone's reading over his chart and I see their eyes glance up sadly.
"He's DNR."
Everyone just stops and it seems like slow motion. I look up at the clock and sigh.
"Time of death 11:42," I say sadly and leave the OR. I scrub out before Rose can question me. I run down to an on call room and crash on the bed. Emotions get the best of me and a few tears slide slowly down my cheeks. I lay back and stare up at the top bunk. A million things are going through my head and I start to lose focus. I bring my hand to my eyes and wipe away the tears. I never cry. The last time I cried was the last time I lost her. When she drowned and I thought she was gone forever and she would never know how I truly felt. I punch the top bunk forcefully and roll onto my side. How did things get this way? We were so happy. I sigh loudly and try to go to sleep, something that's been eluding me for the past week. I drift into an uneasy and fitful sleep, but I soon hear the shrill beeping of my pager.
I groan as I reach for it. My heart stops as I read it.
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Insert dramatic music here. And maybe a "dun dun dun." Alright I'm glad everyone's enjoying this!! I'm enjoying writing it hehe, in all it's dark and twisty glory. Me thinks I love reviews
