Never Mine
Disclaimer: Don't own Inuyasha and Co.
"Kagome, can you grab that box over there and hand it to me?"
Kagome looked up from her attempted assembly of the bookshelf. Even attempt wasn't the correct way to describe the monstrosity of screws and precisely cut blocks of wood strewn around the petite girl's legs. Looking up from her latest failed endeavor to read the directions, she grabbed the small box of kitchen utensils her former roommate pointed to and slid it across the hardwood floors toward her friend.
Sango was finally making the plunge and moving in with her long time perverted boyfriend. Kagome was happy for the couple, she truly, truly was but now when she came home, it was to a sparsely furnished apartment that echoed in emptiness.
Refusing to dwell on it, Kagome sighed in frustration and gave up the ghost. Standing up, she dusted off the seat of her jeans and made her way over to her friend, who was quietly debating the kitchen's layout to her boyfriend. Miroku looked lost as he listened to Sango's excited description of how the remodeled kitchen would look once she was done. When he saw Kagome approach, he gave her a pleading look and she smiled.
"Miroku, why don't you try to get the bookshelf put together and I'll help Sango with the kitchen?" Her smile turned into a chuckle at his grateful nod. He turned to kiss Sango's cheek and quickly escaped. Sango sighed and watched after him, her eyes bright and happy. Kagome had known Sango for a long time and never before had she seen her as happy as she was with Miroku, faults and all.
"Sometimes, I wonder how the man will survive when we get married," Sango murmured to Kagome and laughed softly. Kagome's smile froze and she quickly turned to her friend.
"Married?" she squeaked and her eyes were wide when they met Sango's. "You guys are engaged? Why didn't you tell me!"
Sango smiled and shook her head. "Oh he hasn't asked me formally yet but we've talked about it a lot and we have agreed that we will get married, but not for a little while. We're seeing how we do living together. I mean, you never really know someone until you live with them, right?"
Kagome gave a small nod and a relieved smile. "Right."
Why did the idea of them getting married give me that terrible feeling? She wondered later that night as she headed to her empty apartment.
Because that means you'd really be alone.
No just because Sango and Miroku are married doesn't mean that they'll stop being my friends.
But they'll have their own lives. They'll be busy starting a family and they won't have time for you. You probably won't ever see them but once or twice a year. You won't be a part of their lives anymore.
Kagome bit her lip and shook her head. She was worrying over nothing. Sango and Kagome had been friends for years and Kagome and Miroku had known each other almost as long. The three of them had been through everything together and just because Sango and Miroku were now a couple didn't mean that would change their friendship.
You know what they say, two is company but three is a crowd.
Kagome shut out that voice of doubt in her head and sighed as she pulled into the apartment building. She lugged a box that Sango had given her to keep up the flight of stairs and juggled the box against her hip as she searched for the key to her apartment.
"Stupid wench, let me take that," a gruff voice said from further down the hall and Kagome's hand froze on her keys. Her heart dropped then raced up to her throat. Her hand involuntarily clutched the keys tighter to hide the trembling and she turned to look up at him.
"Inuyasha," she whispered. He looked down at her with dark eyes and a knowing smirk. Without asking, he grabbed the slipping box from her hands and his smirk grew as a blush stole up her cheeks as his hand brushed hers.
She shook her head and attempted to smile at him and turned back to her forgotten keys. Her fingers ached from clutching them so tightly and they shook as she tried to put the key in her lock and pushed open the door. Inuyasha followed her in and set the box down by the door as Kagome set down her purse on her kitchen counter.
Taking a deep breath, she turned to him and gasped as she found him not a foot from her. Her hand came up to her throat as she looked up into his smoldering golden eyes and against her will, her heart began to race and she felt that familiar heat rush through her stomach.
"Inuyasha…Did-" She cleared her throat, but couldn't look away from him. "Did you need something?"
He stepped closer and her back pressed against her counter and she was effectively trapped by his body. His hand lifted and whispered against the sensitive skin of her cheek. She bit her lip and forced herself not to gasp.
"I saw you struggling and I decided to be a good neighbor and help you out. Is that such a bad thing?" He asked and bent his head forward to bury his sensitive nose into the side of her neck. Her breath shuddered out of her and she closed her eyes. How she hated and loved what he did to her. How could he have her panting with just one look? How can he have so much power over her?
"N-no," she breathed and her fingers clutched the counter tightly enough to turn her knuckles white.
Don't give in. Tell him to leave. Tell him you want him to leave!
"Good," he whispered against her neck and a shiver danced down her spin and against her will, her head tilted to allow him better access to her neck. His lips skimmed up to her ear to part and allow his tongue to tease her jaw line. She struggled to breathe and gasped softly. "Because I was thinking…"
He trailed off as his mouth worked its way down the other side of her neck and back again and pluck at each corner of her mouth. She wanted to say his hands were tender as they grasped the ends of her shirt and snaked under. But she had stopped thinking anything about this man was tender. Passionate and patient he could be, but never soft and tender.
"Yeah?" she said, and hated how it came out more as a moan than a whisper.
"Since Kikyo is gone on a business trip, I could spend some time with my favorite neighbor."
She squeezed her eyes shut tightly to keep the tears from gathering and killed the disappointment before it could rise. She had known it wasn't just him coming to see her to spend time with her. Since when did he ever spend time with her without wanting to screw around? He loved his wife and would never leave her. But they hadn't had sex in almost a year and what Inuyasha couldn't get from his beautiful and frigid wife, his young and impressionable neighbor was more than happy to provide.
She felt the disgust at her weakness rise in her throat and grew desperate. Her hands were impatient when they returned his careful caresses with fervor. She could do nothing but love this man even though he felt nothing but a passing lust for her. She had loved him from the moment she had laid eyes on him and she had been lost since then. Lost in shame and lost in love.
"Kagome." He breathed her name as she pushed him down onto the floor and crawled her way up his body. For just a moment, she could fool herself into thinking that he was hers and only hers. That they were together and nothing about what she was doing was wrong; that she wasn't his mistress but only Kagome. She could pretend it was just them, Inuyasha and Kagome. No one else.
Inuyasha arched his back and shouted her name and Kagome gave herself over to it and cried his name over and over again. Spent she collapsed on top of him and breathed in his scent. He reached up and skimmed his hands through her hair and gave a long satisfied sigh.
"Fuck, Kagome. Only you do this to me," he whispered against her hair and she buried her face against his chest. She wished she could believe it was true, but she had stopped believing such nonsense a long time ago.
Much later that night, after they had eaten dinner and made love on the couch and in the shower and finally collapsed into bed to sleep it off, did Inuyasha finally turn to her. His face was in shadow and his eyes were unreadable. It was after everything was done and over with that Inuyasha always felt guilty. They went through it each time and Kagome could feel it each time like it was the first time. He regretted loving her. He regretted, probably, ever meeting her in these moments. But it was these moments when Kagome felt her love for him the keenest. It was these moments that Kagome knew as long as this man wanted her, she would never deny him.
"I have to go." His voice was hard and lacked all the passion it'd had moments before as it called out her name. It was this voice that haunted Kagome's mind each night.
"Yeah," she murmured and watched him roll out of bed. He sighed and stood, and her eyes drank in his lithe, muscled form. She hated Kikyo. She really did. How could she be married to this magnificent man and not want him? How could she not know how lucky she was that it was she he loved, that it was her name that was always on his mind?
Stretching lazily, Inuyasha dressed slowly. When he was finally finished, he turned to her and smiled. But the smile never reached his eyes.
Kagome got up and clutched the sheets to her naked body, stepping up to him. She stepped into his open arms and wrapped her own around him, breathed him in, tried to memorize how he felt in her arms. She knew one day, she would no longer have him and she wanted to remember these moments for the lonely nights she would face.
"Kagome." He sighed and pulled away. He framed her face with his hands and kissed her deeply. She clutched at him a moment longer before letting him go and stepping back. As he opened the door, he turned to give her one last smile and said, "I'll never regret this, Kagome. I'll never regret you."
He said that each time he left and they both knew it was a lie. They both knew as soon as Kikyo was back he would refuse to give her more than a passing nod, refuse to even acknowledge that they'd once been friends.
She smiled sadly and didn't bother to hide the tears that filled her eyes. "I know. Me neither."
The door closed after him and she felt empty, dirty, used.
Urgency made her gather her clothes and dress quickly and she was out of her apartment before she could realize what she was doing. Fifteen minutes later she found herself in front of a familiar door and she hesitated. Before she could turn back, the door swung in and a rumbled Kouga stood in its wake.
"Kagome. What are you doing here at this time of night?" he asked around a yawn. His brown hair stood in tuffs on his skull and he stood in nothing but a rumpled pair of boxers. His muscled stomach flexed as he reached forward to pull her into his apartment.
She walked in and couldn't quite meet his eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you. I should go. Go back to bed." When she tried to turn toward the door, he caught her wrist.
"Kagome, don't bullshit me. You forget I've known you my whole life." When she looked up at him and he saw the tears he cursed. "He did it again, didn't he?" She simply shook her head and crashed into him, sobs heaving her small shoulders and she clung to him.
He whispered nonsense in her ear and rubbed her back. When she had settled down a little and her sobs had been reduced to repetitive whimpers of "I'm such an idiot." "I can't help it."
"Kagome," he whispered, pressing a kiss to her hair. "Why do you do this to yourself? You can do so much better than him."
She shook her head and simply burrowed in tighter against his body. He sighed and settled them onto the couch with her in his lap. He breathed in her sweet scent and tried to ignore the ache in his chest that occurred each time she came to him like this after seeing him. Kouga had been trying to get Kagome to love him for years before she had even met Inuyasha and the fact that he came and went in her life just pissed him off. But he was always there to pick up the pieces of her dignity and put her back together. But then he would come back and the cycle would start all over again.
Kagome just wanted the pain to stop. She wanted to stop hating herself; she wanted to be able to happy for once. Looking up she studied Kouga's face. His jaw was set in a rigid line as he glared a hole into the wall across from them. His blue eyes were hard but his hands were gentle and caring as they lifted and spread the ends of her hair across her back. But despite the fact that she knew Kouga cared for in a way Inuyasha never could, she wished his arms were those of another.
Desperate to end this yearning, this ache, she reached up and placed her hand across Kouga's cheek to get his attention. When he looked down at her with a gentle smile, she adjusted her grip to his neck and pulled his head down to press her mouth against his.
Startled, Kouga froze but soon the scent of her and the feel of her mouth against his made him grip her against him.
"Kouga," she whispered against his mouth as she trailed heated kisses down his throat and back again. "Help me forget. Make love to me, Kouga."
"Kagome, are you sure?" he managed to gasp, even as all the blood rushed down to his throbbing member and he had to hold back a moan as she adjusted herself to straddle his lap.
"Yes." She was desperate, she couldn't keep it in. "Make me forget."
Moaning, Kouga gripped her hips against him and he bucked. He had wanted her since he was sixteen. She had always been there, had always been just out of his reach. And even though he knew another man was on her mind and it was another man she wanted to be under her, he would make her love him. He loved her, and maybe he could make her forget.
After they were spent and panting for breath on the floor, Kagome rolled over and got to her feet. The sun was just peaking up through the windows and she felt tired. Her heart was tired, her head hurt and she couldn't meet Kouga's searching gaze.
"I have to go," she murmured as she gathered her clothes. "I have work in a few hours." The irony of the situation didn't miss her and she gave a wry grin. Once she was dressed she turned to Kouga, to see he had put his boxers back on and his eyes were wary.
She hated herself for doing this to him. She hated herself for her weaknesses and making him bear her mistakes. She stepped up to him and wrapped her arms around him.
"You know I love you Kouga," she said sincerely. "I love you so much."
He closed his eyes and relished in her saying it, even if it wasn't in the way he wished it would be. It was enough for now. It was enough to have her in his arms and to feel her clutch him in turn.
"I know. I love you too Kagome." He let his arms drop and watched as she stepped back. "You're welcome anytime, okay? I'll always be there for you Kagome." She managed a small but sincere smile and turned and left. The door closed behind her, leaving him feeling empty, dirty, used.
(AN: I finally updated this story. I've been wanted to write this for a long time but I just didn't want to rush it, but I think I ended up rushing it anyway. If you think so as well, PLEASE REVIEW. I need the feedback to know what I need to improve on. It would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed!)
Jane
