Charlie told herself to keep on walking, reminding herself to put one foot in front of the other. She could see her boots, but her legs were not feeling like they belonged to her. Tears were running down her cheek, the salty tears burning as the touched the wounds in her face from her struggling with Jason. She hardly noticed she was crying. The world around her was far away, her breathing heavy.
All of a sudden she missed Miles so much, that it was almost impossible to keep on breathing. She had never truly realised how much he had started to mean to her, until she realised she was walking back to camp, but not to him. She never realized how much Miles had already made a difference for her in such a short time. It was childish maybe, but she longed for him. She longed for long strong arms. His hand resting on her hair, safely wrapped around the back of her head. She longed for his scent, for his chest, for his dark eyes there waiting for her.
She had made more progress than she had realised, because Charlie could see their camp not that far away. The day was slowly fading, the sky started to become even more grey and dark and rain was on its way. She felt many eyes on her as she stumbled back into camp. Aaron was sitting in front of a fire, her grandfather was busy stitching a shoulder wound. Connor was leaning against a wall, cleaning his weapons. He had noticed her, and Charlie hoped with all her being he would not approach her. She hoped that nobody would approach her.
She did not wanted to talk, she wanted to be invisible, to just disappear. Normally obstacles of any kind laying before her made her want to explode, to dive in and confront things head on. She was not a woman who would walk away from a fight, from any fight for that matter. But this time, she just wanted to implode, to let the world go on without her.
So she kept on walking, straight to the building in front of her, thankful for the cover the empty building in the centre of their camp provided. Charlie slipped into one of the empty rooms. The room felt hollow, as coldness was radiating from the walls. It was dark and full of shadows. It was exactly what she needed. Feeling exhausted, she let herself slide down one of the hard walls. The structure of the wall behind her, set her back on fire with its roughness, but she didn't care. She almost welcomed the pain. It muted her other pain.
The hurt and threat in Neville's eyes intruded her mind again, the sound of the gun when he pulled the trigger still ringing in her ears, over and over again. She could not stop the images and sound of the past day. Her mother, Monroe, Philly. The sound of their voices, the harsh lines on both of their faces. All that hate, all that venom.
The past couple of months had taught her that there was so much that had happened in all those years since the power went out and her life changed for good. Years and years of high pressure, of hurt, loss, damage, of families shattered, of death, realising that her parents were not the people she thought they were. Realising there were many versions filled with different kind of truths of one story.
But she had felt that she was finally getting a little bit closer to her mother. With little gestures from her mother, conversations, a sense of something that she thought was lost forever. But now she realised that there was just more she did not know about her mother. Charlie realised that there was more to her mother's hate and loathing for all the things Monroe did to her The moment she heard her mother going for the defence when Rachel had thrown in his face that she had been Monroe's prisoner, and the moment she heard Monroe's response, followed by the harsh sound of a hand slapping his face, she just knew. Monroe had not forced her, she was sure.
And finally, a little piece of the puzzle started to make sense. The intensity of her mother's feelings, the looks between her and Monroe. The way she kept on seperating Miles from Monroe, lashing out to Monroe in a way that was filled with something Charlie never completely understood. It was not only hate for Monroe, but maybe it was hate for herself as well, hate and guilt, that fuelled her mother's actions as well.
Charlie did something she hadn't done in a long time. She let go, she let go of the pain, the hurt as she let tears come. She was crying with her whole body. She pulled her knees closer to her body, resting her cheek on top of one of them. She felt strangely safe, the dark room almost swallowing her whole.
After what felt like forever, she could hear footsteps approaching. When she looked up, she looked directly in the face of Aaron, who looked beyond worried.
'Charlie? Are you okay?' Aaron felt unsure what to do. He had watched Charlie walk back into camp, her face full of defeat, her eyes missing the usual Charlie spark.
'I am fine Aaron,' she tried, without much conviction. She hated that Aaron saw this part of her.
'Euhm, no , you are not. I haven't seen you cry in like, forever.'
'Don't want to talk about it,' she pushed Aaron away with the force in her voice. She hated the sound of her own voice. This was Aaron. Her friend. Her friend that was afraid of bees, and still walked all the way with her to Chicago and then to Philly.
' I... ' She started, not sure what to say. She was not ready to touch the part about her mother's past in Philly. There was a part in her that understood that if this truth came out, it would change things forever. Maybe tear things apart within their group for good. And Miles, no.. .
Aaron sat next to her, keeping his distance from her. He knew that Charlie only was going to talk if she was ready. There was a long silence between them, as the air filled with the sounds of the daily routines of their camp very far away.
'Neville, he... ' Charlie finally broke the silence.
Aaron's face filled with even more worry.
'He found me. Looking for Jason. He wanted me to lead him back to our camp, work his way through all of you until he would find out what happened to him.'
Aaron remembered the day he had seen Neville for the first time, ordering the Militia to shoot their way through their village, through his family and friends. Charlie knew his mind was there, because her mind was there too, the moment Neville made that threat directly to her.
'I couldn't let him do that. Aaron, I couldn't. So, I took him to the safe house, trying to reach for a weapon we left there strapped under a table,' her voice was fading, almost a whisper. 'He...he knew exactly what I was doing, he shoved me against a wall and put six warning shots in that wall, just above my head,'
Silence again. Tears coming back.
'And then I just couldn't hang on anymore, he had already seen it in my eyes. He knew.'
Aarons heart almost stopped when Charlie told him about what happened next. When she touched the angry red spot right above her temple when she told him where Neville put his gun before he had pulled the trigger, his heart broke for her as tears pooled in his eyes as well.
'I am alive, I don't know why, but I still am,' she said this, more to herself than to Aaron.
'Charlie...I...' He knew that there were no words right now he could pick that would truly help her. So he put his right hand slowly and gently on her left one. They sat like that in the darkness for quite a while. Charlie felt the warmth of Aaron's hand over hers. Somebody still cared, she thought to herself. Somebody still noticed her. Neither of them spoke, as Aaron kept her company in the only way he could think of now.
Aaron had waited, sitting next to Charlie, until she was ready to move. They walked out of the greyness, and when Charlie felt the fresh air hitting her face, she noticed the world was not that far away anymore. It was enough to ground her again, just a little. Aaron put her in front of a fire, and made sure she ate something. Charlie let him take care of her for once. Her back against a big rock, giving her some support.
Somewhere from the corner of her eyes she saw how her mother and Monroe walked into camp, together. No Miles. Hurt, disgust and more hurt were fighting in the back of her throat. She saw how Aaron started walking towards her mother. She turned her eyes away. Darkness was complete now, as the sun had left them for another night. So that meant another day coming to and end, and another night waiting for her to face alone, knowing Miles was not safe, and not by her side. She closed her eyes and pretended she was asleep, not wanting to take on anything more the world could throw her way today.
Aaron had watched Charlie eat something as she finally gave in to some rest. Her eyes were still unfocused and full of hurt. She looked pale. He saw Rachel approaching when she walked into camp, and with a big sigh he realised Monroe was walking in his direction too. Looking at them told him immediately that there was still no news from Miles. He only focussed on Rachel when he started talking.
'Rachel, we need to talk,' Aaron started, nodding in Charlie's direction, who seemed to have fallen fall asleep, wrapped in a blanket.
Rachel looked at her daughter. Aaron saw the look of worry on her face when she saw Charlie, pale and exhausted. What he did not expect was to find Monroe's eyes following his nod towards Charlie as well. Did he see a look of concern on his face too? He shook his head to regain focus.
'It's about Charlie,' he continued. There it was again, Monroe's eyes lit up a little when he heard Charlie's name.
'What about Charlie?' Rachel voice was filled with urgency and worry all of a sudden, 'is she okay?'
'No, Rachel, she is not. She is as far from okay as you can imagine.'
Yup, Aaron thought to himself with his usual irony that was not far even on the darkest longest days they all faced together. He was not imagining anything. Here he was and standing before him was Sebastian Monroe, with actual concern in his eyes. Concern in his eyes when he looked at Charlie, again.
Auhtor's Note:Thank you for your very kind feedback! More soon! Love from Love
