A/N: I'm sorry for what is about to happen.
Side Note: BJ ff emailed me your reviews, they were both very lovely and I thank you for them. And someone else reviewed too, but it doesn't look like it is showing up on the story. I got them and I love you for them! xo
Keeping his movements as slow as possible Rafael makes his way to Olivia, giving her plenty of time to rebuff him. When she still doesn't move, choosing instead to stand staring at Rafael while her sobbing breaks loose, Rafael pulls Liv into a hug. He closes her in his arms, Liv's tears cascading down her cheeks, Rafa can feel the heat of them when she tucks her head into his neck. A wretched sound emanates from Liv with a loud hiccuping cry. Her body is wracked by the force of her emotions but her arms are sure as they wrap around Rafael's waist.
Rafa can feel the desperation in Liv's grip, her fingers first gripping his shirt but needing more of him to be anchored to she tightens her fingers and they dig into his flesh, sure to leave a mark once she lets go. Rafael thinks if that's all he gets of her after this he may wish that they never fade.
They revel in the closeness of the other for long enough that Olivia can at least breath easier. She sucks in several deep breaths through her nose, inhaling the scent of Rafael as she does so, to steady herself, releasing each breath in a puff of air against Rafa's skin. The grip she has around him doesn't loosen and Rafa takes that as a good sign.
Trying his luck Rafa whispers, "I've missed you so much." His own tears threaten to come as he is finally able to see her again, beg her forgiveness.
Liv nods, she her nose rubbing the skin of his neck, being tickled by the scruff growing there. Breathing him in once more she returns the sentiment, "I've missed you too, Rafa, everyday."
Gulping Rafael wills his tears away, feeling as though he doesn't deserve the relief it might bring him to let it out. It is becoming harder to stop it from happening, especially when Liv steps away from him, looking at his face again. Olivia takes in the expression of the man standing before her, her best friend, and sees the effort he is putting into holding back his tears, freckles starker against his paler skin, but he looks like him.
A hand goes to his cheek, Olivia swiping her thumb beneath his eye, catching an escaped tear, her gaze is tender as she addresses him, "I needed you Rafa, and you weren't around anymore. I was so lonely without you here. I don't think I can bare it if you leave again."
Now that tears have trickled from his eyes Rafael stops resisting them and lets them flow as they will, "no Liv, I don't think I would survive without you. I'm not going anywhere, I promise you, there isn't anything that will get me to leave you ever again."
Rafael has now twined his fingers with Liv's but kept her hand where it lay on his face, it is warm and familiar, and he greedily takes any contact she allows, bolstering his resolve more each time he is able to touch her.
"You're home?" Olivia's tears had never stopped but slowed, at this thought, though, she feels something more break inside of her. She hadn't dared to hope this might be a possibility, wouldn't let her mind go that path and begin thinking of her life with him back in it. Now she can do that, can fantasize how things might turn around with Rafa back by her side.
Using his free hand Raf swipes at the tears on his cheeks, sniffling and then dropping Olivia's hand to cradle her face in both of his. The action is taken with such great care that Liv just goes to him, gives up any resistance she held onto and steps into his space again. They are on top of each other now, close enough that each can feel the other's breath. Rafael might have stopped breathing though.
Pushing some loose strands of hair back behind her ear Rafael studies her, Olivia is so beautiful in his eyes that he sometimes feels like congratulating himself for being able to focus on anything but her anytime he has been in Liv's presence. Meeting her stare Rafael brings them closer still, foreheads resting against each other.
Finally he nods, and replies softly, "I'm home, I'm here." Rafael's eyes fall closed, gathering his courage, "Liv?" She lets out a soft noise of acknowledgement, so he goes on, "may I kiss you, please?" His nerves propelling him into over politeness.
"Yes Rafa," Liv answers, without pause or thought.
His eyes fly open to meet Olivia's, needing to be sure that he hasn't dreamed up what she said. One corner of her mouth is lifted in the smallest of smiles, but so genuine Rafael matches it with his own.
Catching up with himself Rafael doesn't want to let this opportunity pass him by, using the hands still resting on Liv's cheeks Rafa tilts her face up to his and meets her lips with his, sealing her bottom lip between both of his. Olivia responds immediately to his actions, returning the kiss with full force. Her arms are back around his waist, cradling his body much more gently this time, caressing him anywhere she can reach.
Opening his mouth Rafael runs his tongue along Liv's bottom lip, begging entrance. She concedes control and opens her lips to his questing tongue, moaning when he glides it along her own. They don't part until all the breath is gone from their lungs, though they don't go far even then, panting into the same space, sharing the same air.
"Don't leave," Olivia requests, still needing the reassurance that he is really back, that she isn't going to have to mourn his absence again.
Running his fingers through her hair Rafael shakes his head, "no, I won't, I promise. And I know just breezing back into the city and your life isn't an apology but I'm telling you this now, I will do anything you ask to make up for hurting you like I did."
Biting her teeth into her bottom lip Liv nods, silent, before moving away again, "I think if we try to keep Noah away from you any longer he might spontaneously combust, I'm surprised your mother has been able to keep him away for this long."
The laugh Olivia shares with him at the statement is the greatest string of notes Rafael has heard in these last seven months he thinks, amending it quickly to his whole life. She takes his hand and leads him to the kitchen, clearly she knows her way around the house. Together Liv and Rafa enter the kitchen, seeing Lucia and Noah putting breakfast on the table, still waiting for the pancakes to cook. At the movement into the room Noah and Lucia both look up, and Noah's small face brightens instantly.
"Rafa, you're still here," the boys shoulders sag in relief, "Cia and I made breakfast!"
Rafael feels like scum that this small precious human should even be in a position to be relieved when someone he loves isn't leaving him. But he won't let his thoughts get in the way of things anymore. No, they were in his way for the past seven months and had done their damage, now Rafael is determined to make right what is broken, what he needs in his life, and build up from there. Rafael is going to be happy now, with this life and these people.
"I thought I smelled something yummy!" Rafa exclaims, patting his tummy, "what can I do to help you Noah?"
When Noah smiles Rafael notices some missing teeth and is immediately distracted by them, "where did all your teeth go amigo? Are you sure you have enough left in there to eat with?"
A hand covers his smile as Noah laughs, "Rafa eres un tonto! Por supuesto que sí." (Rafa you're silly! Of course I do.)
In seconds Rafael is standing before Noah with his hand cupping the boy's bottom jaw, keeping his mouth open for inspection. Seeming to satisfy his search parameters Rafa allows Noah's mouth to close, but without taking his hand away, "hmm, I don't know I counted at least three missing teeth. That's a lot of teeth amigo."
Noah looks proud of himself, losing teeth is a big accomplishment after all, "those are the first three that I lost! But look at this one, it's super wiggly!" Bringing his own hand to his mouth Noah places a tiny finger on a bottom tooth to then wiggle it vigorously, "I think it might fall out soon."
Feeling inexplicably hollow that he didn't get to see the excitement on Noah's face, or talk with Liv about how fast he is growing, when Noah lost his first tooth Rafael pours all that into his fourth tooth to go, "I think you're right Noah. How did you lose your first tooth? When I lost my first tooth I was six too, and I was so excited about the tooth fairy coming that I wanted it to hurry up and fall out! Don't rush though, it hurts if you pull them out too soon."
Lucia catches Rafael's eye, realizing he didn't remember exactly how he lost his first tooth until he had already begun telling the story. Lucia remembers it very well, Rafa was about Noah's height, just a bit shorter and a few pounds heavier, when he had come running into the kitchen to show her and his abuelita the loose tooth. But Rafael's father was home, and drinking, and when Rafi interrupted the conversation the man smacked him, hard. The tooth had come right out and there was a lot of blood with it, like Rafi had said it hadn't been ready to come out yet. Lucia had scooped him up and soothed him in his room, reading to him and promising a visit from the tooth fairy that night. The next morning the excitement returned at finding a quarter under his pillow, but he never once got as excited about losing teeth again, afraid of what might happen.
Sensing the tension Olivia shares her own experience, "I don't think I lost my first tooth until I was seven," her eyes seem out of focus, as if trying hard to remember, "I can't recall exactly, but it was this tooth right here," she points to one her front teeth. "I was at school when I lost it so I put it in my pocket to bring it home later, but my pocket had a hole in it so I didn't have it by the time I got home. The tooth fairy visited me four nights later, she left a note saying that she finally found my tooth so now I got my money."
The subtle reminders of her own struggles in her home life growing up cause Rafael to reach out and squeeze her hand. The two share a smile and shift their focus back to Noah.
"I was eating an apple at snack and my tooth stuck right in it! My teacher put it an envelope and gave it to Lucy to keep safe for me." Noah supplies his answer to Rafa's question.
Rafael can't be anything but thankful that Noah's childhood is filled with nothing but love and care from those around him, none of the darkness he and Liv dealt with. Kissing Noah's cheek Rafa rights himself again.
As they eat their breakfast together it is as if everything is normal once again, like the last seven months weren't some of the worst any of them had been forced to endure. No one spoke about it, a silent agreement had been made, let's just start here and pretend, okay? And it felt fine.
"Will you read me my new book Rafa?" Noah breaks into an ongoing conversation the adults are having, about what he doesn't know.
"Of course! Where is it amigo? We can read in the living room, if you want." Rafa's overjoyed that Noah keeps asking things of him, keeps wanting him. The attention isn't unfamiliar from Noah, more just amplified by his time away.
Looking at the table Noah mumbles, talking at the wood rather than the man, "at home. Can you come with us?"
This gives Rafa pause, he has barged back into their lives enough for one day, he thinks, he doesn't think it would be appropriate to assume he can essentially invite himself over.
His thoughts don't wander far before Olivia cuts in, "he can come any time he likes baby," and she is saying the words to Noah but they are meant for Rafael, allowing him further entrance back into their lives.
"How about I go with you and Mama when you two leave here? Does that sound good?" Rafa offers.
Bobbing his head up and down Noah confirms the plan for all of them. They don't end up at the farmer's market that day but there will be one more for the season next week so Liv and Lucia quell Noah's fears of missing it with promises of next week. As Olivia and Noah say their goodbyes to Lucia Rafael joins them, giving her a parting hug and kiss.
"Te llamo más tarde Mamí. Gracias por el desayuno." he says after kissing her cheek to lean in for a hug. (I'll call you later Mami. Thank you for breakfast.)
"Claro mijo, te amo." When Lucia pulls away from her son she pats his cheek, glad to have him back, to be able to hold him close once again.
Rafael had been so sure his mother had lost all faith in him when everything happened he didn't know if he would be hearing those words from her ever again, he treasures them, "tambien te amo."
When they arrive to the Benson apartment Rafa is struck by just how little has changed, it freezes him, the likeness of the room before him to that of the one in his memory. He hadn't expected it to be unrecognizable but different, at least. He thinks he could cry at the comfort of familiarity of the closest thing he has to a home right now.
Noah takes his hand the moment shoes and coats have been shed, and brings him to his bedroom. Pushing Rafael to sit on the bed Noah goes to his bookshelf, moving aside various knick-knacks that seem to be in his way. They had been blocking off almost the whole bottom shelf Rafa notices.
"Noah, what's all that stuff doing done there? Why don't you keep your figures in your window anymore?" Rafa asks while Noah runs his finger along the spine of each book, looking for the right one.
Talking over his shoulder the high-pitched tone of Noah greets Rafael, "because," he shrugs his shoulders. "All these books are ones you gave me and no one else can read 'em the right way."
It is all so simple to a child, there is this one reason for things and that's all there needs to be. To Rafael it feels so much more complicated. When had he bought Noah so many books? Did he really used to read to him that often? Had Noah really kept Olivia and Lucy from reading those to him? But the hardest to comprehend, the biggest question in Rafa's mind is will he ever be able to make up for leaving?
Extracting the book from it's spot on the shelf Noah pushes himself up and quickly hands it off to Rafa and then cuddling into his side, expectantly looking up for the story to begin. Rafael is taking his time controlling his breathing before he can begin, Noah waits patiently, to a point.
"Rafa? Are you gonna read to me?" Noah is resting along the length of Rafael's torso and the older man can feel the vibration of each word throughout him.
"Yes amor, of course," before he opens the book, however, Rafa looks to Noah. "I'm sorry you had to wait so long for me to read to you again. But I'm back now, and I'll be here whenever you need me. I won't leave like that again, okay?"
With a toothless smile Noah accepts this as truth, "okay!"
Rafael takes one more moment to look at the book, it was the last one he purchased for Noah, before life went to hell for a while, and Noah still called it new, his new book. The guilt of his actions is going to linger for a long time and Rafael has to battle that himself, or at least not let Noah get negatively impacted by it.
Olivia, Noah, and Rafael spend the day together, reacquainting themselves with old habits. Trips to the park, vegging out on the couch, talking to each. It all seems so easy with them around.
Eventually Noah has to go to sleep, insisting on another story from Rafa. It doesn't take much more than a hopelessly adorable 'please' and a smile from Noah to get him to agree.
He makes it through just about one and a half books before sleep finally quiets Noah, who is quite content to let it. Rafa slips from his bedside and kisses his forehead, cheek, and chin.
Hovering close he whispers, "dulces sueños Noah." (Sweet dreams Noah.)
Suddenly it is just Olivia and Rafael left alone together again. They're both nervous, desperate for things to be the same as it once was and so entirely different. Trading those kisses this morning were definitely not part of the old routine. Those were new and unexplored, there was so much more to them.
Stepping into the living room Rafael hears the faucet running, figuring Olivia was using the bathroom he sits himself on the couch. Rubbing the sweat from his palms onto his knees Rafa wonders what will be next.
Liv glides her way to the couch and sits in the empty spot to Rafa's right, their sides grazing as she does so. Not wanting the contact, the connection, to end Olivia takes Rafa's hand in her own, fingers woven between his.
Dropping her head to Rafael's shoulder Liv sighs, "god it's so nice to have you here." She turns her head so she is able to press it to his shirt and breaths him in, "I didn't realize how comforting your scent had become for me, nothing smells quite the same. Not your cologne, or the sweatshirt you left here, or you old office, your not there with it all and you make all the difference."
Rafael mimics Olivia, letting his head rest atop her's, "I don't know what else to say but to tell you I'm so sorry. I tried to convince myself, at first, that it was better for everyone if I was gone. And then two weeks went by and I hadn't gone that long without speaking to you since we met and I think I started to really think about what I'd done. But I didn't deserve the peace and comfort I knew you'd bring me, and I was sure you didn't need me around.
"Those two weeks bled into months and it hurt everyday that I was away from you. Still I told myself you were better off, that I was doing you this favor by going away. It got harder and harder to justify and reason with myself as the months went on and eventually all I had left was the knowledge that I just left you. I was there one day and gone the next just like anyone else that hurt you and I hated myself.
"It took another month to talk myself into coming back here, to you. I've been scared Liv. I need you but I wasn't sure you would feel the same, not anymore.
"But no matter how you felt about me I knew I owed you the decision I took away from you. So I'm back and I'm not leaving but I had to let you have that. I don't want to be another person that hurt you and didn't look back. Like you're not the greatest thing this life has offered me. You mean everything to me Olivia." Tears are sliding their way into Olivia's hair or off the end of his nose and onto his hand.
Shaking her head as best she can Liv counters him, "no Rafa, you were never like them. You told me you were leaving, moving on, but then I didn't hear from you and I didn't know what I had done wrong. After a while I stopped hoping you would come back, but it never stopped me wanting you back."
Picking his head up Rafael kisses the top of Liv's head, a hand caressing her back, it comforts them both. He takes a moment to gather himself, to let his tears stop and get the ability to speak back.
Feeling ready Rafa opens his mouth again, "can I kiss you again?"
Olivia chuckles while raising her head, "you know Rafa, you don't have to ask every time you want to kiss me, I have a feeling that might get old quickly." Her mouth is pinched trying to hold back the smile that is attempting to stretch her mouth wide open.
Ruefully shaking his head Rafael points a warning finger toward her, before he quickly drops it, "yeah, you're totally right."
Any response Liv may have is sealed off by Rafa's mouth descending on her's. Things rapidly progress into a full make out session, Olivia finding herself astride Rafael's lap. It's as though they are teenagers again, the way they go at it.
"God, 'Livia, am I dreaming?" the question falls from Rafael's lips in between panting for breath, all while his mouth skims along her cheek and down her neck, not wanting to stray too far from her.
Without hesitation Liv pinches his side, "I don't think so. And I know I'm not because we never have our clothes on for this long." When she giggles now it is light-hearted and carefree.
Rafael's erection is obvious beneath her but they have largely ignored their sexual desires, choosing instead to focus on just this and hold onto each other. Both of Liv's hands are burning hot against the skin of Rafa's ribcage. And a hand of Rafael's has made its way beneath the waist of Liv's pants and is resting high on the curve of her ass, but that is about as far as they have gone.
Pulling his head back Rafael surveys her face, she looks so much happier than she did that day in February when he walked away, he kicks himself for having done it but he won't let it keep him from her any longer. Moving the hand he still has outside of Liv's clothes Rafael runs the backs of his fingers over her cheekbones, appreciating her beauty unabashedly. Liv seems to take the time to do the same with him, a look of utter adoration is clear in her eyes and it steals Rafael's breath that she can still find anything about him to adore.
It's getting late though and Rafael soon yawns while looking at her, Liv doesn't take it personally, "gee thanks, clearly I can hold your interest." Her tone and smile belie her words.
This time Olivia takes Rafael's face in her hands, running her nails through the rough hair adorning his cheeks, "I'm tired too, will you stay with me tonight? Just to sleep?"
Twisting his head to and fro Rafa lays a kiss into the palm of each hand, "I'll do whatever you want me to."
"And I'll do my best not to get used to hearing that because I know you too well," Liv points out.
She stands and pulls him into her bedroom. Olivia quickly notices the sweatshirt she left laying on the bed from when she pulled it off this morning and promptly blushes, knowing Rafa saw it too.
"Do you want me to wear, get it all smelly again?" He isn't exactly making fun of her, and his words seem so fond that Liv can't help the laugh that emanates from her.
Looking through her eyelashes at him, as if she were shy, Olivia nods, adding, "yes please Rafa."
They both strip, Rafael down to his boxers before pulling on his sweatshirt, he knows he doesn't really own it any longer, he will be allowed to borrow it just often enough to keep the scent of him in every fiber. Liv gets down to her bra and panties, which are plain everyday things that Rafael finds sexier than anything, before tossing an oversized shirt over her head and then pulling her bra through one of the sleeves and depositing it into her hamper.
Finding a position, spooned together, arms looped along each other's, Liv breaks into the silence, and the darkness of the room, "where did you go?"
There is no accusation or anger in her words, Olivia is just trying to figure out what was happening with him these last months. Rafael tightens his arms quickly in response, while he decides what to say.
He doesn't make Liv wait, "I went to Cambridge for a while, maybe for some extra punishment with the weather, and helped some friends from Harvard, lent them my time for a place to stay and something to eat. They offered me a teaching position, it terrified me. I turned it down and left the next day. I didn't really stop moving after that, going anywhere I could find a spot for myself.
"Mostly I did some consulting work with nonprofits, trying to help people. I volunteered at a lot of hospitals, that part started in Boston. I went to Children's Hospital everyday I was there, gave whatever time I had to the terminal ward. There wasn't anything anyone could really do for them but make sure they were comfortable and treat them like kids.
"So I went and played with them, drew with them, read to them, sang them Disney songs. I thought about Drew all the time, but I thought about Noah too. I knew if -" Rafa chokes on his words, swallowing the threat of tears, "if Noah were ever to be in their position that's what I would want someone to do for him. Just let them act like kids, as much as they could."
Taking a shaky breath he pushes on, "when I got to places with nicer weather I would take them outside if they were allowed. They were all amazing Olivia, but I never stayed long, I couldn't stand the thought of what was happening to them, how unfair it all is.
"At some points during my roaming I met up with friends, old co-workers, anyone who found me, I just let it all happen. The good and the bad, I took what they gave me. Eventually, out in California, I got offered a book deal. I told them I wasn't sticking around. They said I didn't have to, so I said yes. I think that was a month ago. So, I'm writing a book. It'll be on law, of course, but the idea of justice too. I want to write about the intent of laws and the idea of justice and the shortcomings in our legal system that affect so many people everyday. There isn't much written but an introduction." Rafael takes a moment to pause, and think about his next words, "and the dedication. After I wrote that I broke down, like crying in the bathtub, broke down.
"But now I'm here, I'm back." God, Rafael thinks he has cried more in this one day than every other time in his life previous to it.
Olivia is still for several long seconds, then she turns to take Rafael in, as well as she can in what little light there is streaming through the cracks between curtains. He is beautiful. His tears are mirrored on Liv's face.
"You're a good man Rafa. Truly. You'll believe that again someday, I'll make sure of it." Liv leans into him and kisses him, light as she can, but she is promising him so much in it that it blankets his soul, it anchors it.
They whisper to each other, nonsense mostly, until they drift off to sleep, wrapped up in the other's body. Olivia wakes first the following morning, they had moved around while asleep but she was essentially sprawled across his chest, they hadn't broken contact. She doesn't remember any other time in her life that she has felt this relieved, this ecstatic to see another human upon waking.
It is very soon after the relief fills her that it is drained and replaced by anger and sadness, knowing why she is so relieved. Rafael was still here, just like he promised he would be, but he only had to promise because he left for so long.
The emotions stir a nervous energy inside her and Olivia extricates herself from under the covers, pulls on some leggings and goes to the living room. It is very early morning and the sky is a light grey, the perfect kind to look into and brood. Liv sits and ruminates with herself, trying to sort out her feelings. It is all so overwhelming, the relief, joy, and love she feels about it are all still there inside of her and they are just as big as they always were when it came to Rafael. But there is no denying the anger, pain, and loneliness that reside within her too, it's too much to take and the tears fall.
Pulling her knees to her chest Olivia rests her temple on a kneecap while she gazes at the clouds taking their time moving over the city, she must fall asleep like that because the next thing she is aware of is Noah bumping into her while settling himself on the couch beside her.
Liv stretches and yawns before ruffling Noah's hair and kissing him, "morning Noah, what time is it?"
"It's 7:00, I'm almost ready for school, Rafa is making my waffles now, I didn't mean to wake him up but I was looking for you." Noah explains to his mom while switching on the television to watch a show as he finishes his morning routine.
"I'm sure Rafa's fine with that sweet boy, I'm going to go make you a lunch okay?" Olivia hefts herself from the couch, stretching once on her feet, listening to the pop of her joints. She needs to talk to Rafael.
They get Noah ready for school easily, like it is an everyday thing for the three of them to be doing so. Olivia is quiet the whole time.
When Lucy, who is so happy to see Rafael back, is out the door with Noah in tow Olivia uses this as her chance. He knows something is coming too, he can read her too well, even now.
"What's wrong Liv? Where were you when I woke up this morning?" Rafael beats her to the punch, so to speak.
Sighing Olivia runs a hand through her hair, "I woke up this morning and saw you sleeping next to me and I was so happy," it seems like she may not go on.
Rafael prompts her, "but?"
"But then the last seven months came flooding back and I felt hurt and lost and alone all over again. I got really angry at you," She won't even look at him. "I tried to sort everything out in my head but there is so much there Rafa," Liv is using his nickname and Rafa will take any sliver of hope he has.
When Liv finally looks at him again Rafael can tell how much turmoil is going on inside of her head and her heart.
"What can I do?" Rafael is afraid he knows the answer.
Olivia suspects he does too, "I need more time Rafa. I have to figure this all out for myself. That doesn't mean I want you going away again," it's not a joke no how much she might have intended for it to be, they both wince. "And Noah is going to want to see you constantly, I heard you promise to take him to and from school if that was okay, and it is. He loves you Rafael and I know you love him. Just keep being here for him."
He won't cry, not now, she deserves what she is asking for and he won't make her feel bad for making the request, "okay," a breath, "okay, yeah. Time, I can give you time. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here in the mornings to get Noah, but you won't even have to see much of me, I'll be here and gone, promise. You - um you just tell me when you're ready for…" Rafael trails off not really knowing what to say to finish that thought with. "When you're ready."
Olivia makes a move to step closer but Rafael maintains their distance, he already has his clothing back on, so he turns to find his coat. He goes to put it on when Olivia's voice stops him.
"Rafa, wait." He looks dejected when he meets Liv's gaze, she feels awful, selfish with her next words, "the sweatshirt?" They come out as a question, a request of sorts, but she can't let him leave with that on, still afraid she might not get him back. She is desperate to have some piece of him still with her, even though she is the one pushing him away.
There is hope in the request as Rafael sees it, peeling it off he folds it and leaves it on a couch cushion, "goodb- I'll talk to you later Liv." And he's gone.
A/N: I got sad too if that helps any. There will be fluff to come, I promise!
xx
