A/N: It took a few days, but the anticipated second chapter is here. This time, we get Fate's perspective as things progress. I'm also thinking about using Hayate next time, and finishing off with Nanoha. For those who listened to me when I described this story, and took fair warning, the middle part of the chapter wont seem strange. If you read the title, then you'll know things don't turn out too well.
Moving on, I have another Nanoha project in the works. Besides my adventure story, I'm planning another Au story. This one wont be so outright depressing as this story is. A bit of a hint to what it entails: Fate is a successful business woman, and once Nanoha's love, but they drifted apart. Its all about rekindling that past flame. Don't worry, it wont be as boring as it sounds, and I already have one of the climatic scenes of the story built in my head. So anyway, look forward to that. Since I haven't balanced two (or 3) stories at the same time in forever, don't expect quick updates, especially if the chapters are as long as this one.
- Kode-Dekka
Chapter 2: From Bad to Worse ~My Dear Friend's Withering Self~
"Nanoha, I'm leaving now." As I stood there by her bedside, Nanoha only nodded at me, not saying a word. Her eyes looked completely soulless, like there was nothing but darkness in them. Ever since the funeral she was like that, quiet, unresponsive, carrying that blank look on her face. But I understood, she lost everything that was precious to her after all. Because I also lost something precious, I could understand her pain.
I gave her a hug, but she didn't return it, that was okay. "See you after school." I released her and left the room, though that was the last thing I wanted to do. I just wanted to sit there with her, all day if I could.
She truly lost everything, I was all she had left, but it wasn't enough. It was still eating me up inside, the reason why this all happened.
Their cafe, while doing well, wasn't quite doing well enough. Unable to get money, her father resorted to doing business with some shady characters. It seemed that the massacre at her home, was their way of collecting what was lent. Nanoha's entire family, gone, all for nothing but a little money. And The police, while knowing who is responsible, will never bring them to justice, the group that lent out money has too much influence over the system. At least, that's what we were being told. It was unfair, Nanoha would never find closure, it was too cruel of a fate for someone as sweet as her.
At least, one small ray of hope shone. If Nanoha had not had that fight with her mother, and had gone home, she would probably be dead as well. But that too, was nothing more than a evil irony, it only served to make my friend feel more guilty about their deaths.
As I stood outside of the room that once belong to Alicia, I realized how twisted the situation was, and how powerless I was to help. While the loss of my sister left me with the same painful feelings, it was probably nothing compared to what Nanoha felt. Knowing that I could do nothing to relieve that pain, only made my heart wrench with anger, mostly directed toward myself, as well as to the cruel god who allowed this.
From inside the room, I heard the familiar sound of tears, and I knew Nanoha was crying now that I had left. I couldn't help it, and started to cry as well, though I suppressed the sounds.
Going downstairs, I found my mother, looking solemn and smoking a cigarette again. She knew that I hated it when she smoked, so she put it out as soon as I appeared. "How is she?"
"Same as before. I wish I could do something."
"Yeah, I know." She looked at the smoldering butt, probably wishing that she had more time with the death stick. "When I lost Alicia, I felt like I would never recover. In some ways, I didn't. Nanoha-chan is strong, give her time, Fate." I nodded.
"I'm going now, are you going to work?"
"Yeah, I'll drive you." I felt bad about leaving Nanoha here by herself. I would only be gone for a few hours, but I still felt terrible.
Mother and I left the house, where Nanoha would be all alone. I wish I didn't have to go, but like it or not, I was on my way to school.
I met Hayate at the front gate. She seemed distressed, that was expected, neither of us really knew how to deal with what happened. She ran up and hugged me when she caught sight of me, I returned the gesture accordingly. "Is Nanoha-chan okay?" I shook my head at her.
"She's still the same, she wont snap out of it." The death of her family was about two weeks ago, and the funeral, a week. For that much time, she's been in that trance like state. It probably wont break for a while, but I'll let her have as much time she needs. "Lets just leave her alone, until she's ready."
"Okay, Fate-chan. You know her better than I do."
The school day started on such a low point, I didn't really care how it turned out anymore. All I thought about was Nanoha, it was useless to be here when I couldn't concentrate.
During lunch, Arisa and Suzuka joined us, though they hardly had anything new to say. It was all the same, asking if Nanoha was okay, when she obviously wasn't. We weren't that talkative, or hungry, so our lunches just remained untouched, and we sat in silence.
I just thought, about nothing other than Nanoha. I thought about how lonely she must be, and depressed, and angry. I thought about the good times, before this whole thing, when she used to smile. Strangely enough, I also remembered our almost-kiss. It felt awful to think about happy things like that, when my friend was suffering, but I couldn't help it. It was close, so close to being a real kiss. I felt silly, because it was only supposed to be practice. But I wanted something more than that, I wanted it to be real. I'm embarrassed of myself though, so I went along with the idea that it wouldn't count. I didn't want to let her know, my honest feelings. And now, those feelings had no place in my heart, I didn't need to think about them. I had to help Nanoha become happy again, somehow; no matter how many days, or months, or even years that it took, I wanted to see that smile again, the one that made me fall in love with her.
"Fate-chan." I snapped out of my thoughts, finding Hayate looking worriedly at me. "Didn't you notice? The bell rang."
"Oh, sorry, just got lost in my head." This only made her more worried.
"Are you alright?" I tried my best to smile, coming up with a pathetic thing.
"Yes, Nanoha is the one who is suffering right now. She isn't strong right now, so I have to strong for her." Hayate nodded and smiled back at me.
"That's right, all of us have to strong."
All the students had mostly filed out of the cafeteria, Suzuka and Arisa included. If we didn't go, we would be late. It didn't matter much to me, but for the sake of keeping mother happy, I'll try to get through the day. "Come on, lets go." Hayate took my hand and we walked out of the cafeteria together.
When night had arrived, I made dinner for everyone. I left mother's portion in the fridge like always, for whenever she got home. As for Nanoha, I decided to bring it to her personally. Before I entered the room, I knocked, but no answer came. "Nanoha, I'm coming in." Turning the knob, I opened the door, and found her laying down and facing the other way. "Nanoha, are you awake? I brought you dinner." I went to her bedside, set the plate down on the desk and shook her lightly.
"I'm awake, but I'm not hungry, Fate-chan." I moved my hand, brushing it against her head.
"I know, but you haven't eaten in two days. I'm worried about you."
"Sorry, I just have no appetite." I left it at that, I wouldn't push her to eat, she would do so when she got hungry. Instead, I pressed my body against her back, I gripped her shoulders. "Fate-chan?"
"Sorry Nanoha, I'm useless, so this is all I can do."
"That's not true..." I closed my eyes and laid my head against her as well.
"You can't stay like this, Nanoha. I care a lot about you, that why I don't like seeing you hurting like this. Hayate, Suzuka and Arisa feel the same. We all love you, that's why, we're all hurting inside as well."
Nanoha remained silent, I didn't wait for an answer. I was somewhat glad, she was talking a little more than before, even if it was still not very much. She didn't push me away, that's all I could ask for.
My dinner was waiting for me downstairs, so it was time for me to go. I was sure that Nanoha wanted to be left alone anyway. But when I pulled back, she suddenly moved, and grabbed my hand. "Please, Fate-chan, don't leave me alone. Just for a little while longer, could we stay like this?" I felt the warmth of her hand against mine, it was pulsing with life, even if it was only a little. "Fate-chan..." I could hear the begging tone of her voice, how could I refuse. Screw dinner.
"Of course I will Nanoha, I'd do anything for you." So we remained like that, me nuzzled up against her back. It was pleasant, and comfortable, and warm. Eventually, I started to feel my body waver, and I knew, I would drift off to sleep soon.
"Fate-chan. Nee, Fate-chan, wake up." I felt someone shaking me and calling my name. Out of curiosity, I opened my eyes. Nanoha came into view. Her eyes were red, as if she was crying. But something was odd, she was smiling. "Wakey wakey, sleepyhead." I was confused, I hadn't seen her so happy in weeks, it almost felt like a dream. I pinched myself, just to make sure. It hurt, not a dream. "Mou, what are you doing? Get up, we have to go to school." 'we?' I thought, rubbing my eyes.
"Nanoha, what happened?" I couldn't believe how cheery the girl was, it was freaking me out.
"I thought about it, and you were right, Fate-chan. I can't stay all sulky and quiet forever, I have to move on. Everyone is gone, they wont come back, I know that. But I'm not alone, I still have you and everyone else." I blinked, and stared blankly at her. I probably looked really stupid right now. "Come on, Fate-chan. You can't stay in bed forever." Something about this was off, creepy, not right at all. 'but still, she looks so happy. Maybe I'm imagining things.' I shook my head, and smiled at her, she smiled brightly back at me.
"Okay, I'll get ready."
"Hurry, or I'll leave you behind."
I got up, left the room, then slapped myself across the face in a last ditch effort to see if I really was dreaming. It hurt, definitely not a dream. Nanoha was her old self. Even if it was some kind of trick, she was back to her old self again. That was a good thing, that had to be a good thing.
I hurried back to my room, throwing on my uniform and tying up my hair in record time. I met Nanoha downstairs. She was talking to mother, who looked just as confused as me, the cigarette even dropped from her mouth. She looked to me for an explanation, I could only shrug.
"Come on, Fate-chan, we have to run." She ran up to me, holding my bag. Grabbing my hand, she took me with her. "Bye Testarossa-san." She said as we left, before mother could even offer to give us a ride to school.
Things changed even more today. Now that Nanoha had returned to school for the first time since the incident, the people who knew what happened to her, found it hard to look away from her chirpy attitude. Some passing whispers in the hall called her 'mental', as if she'd gone crazy. Unfortunately, Arisa agreed with that.
"She's totally lost her marbles." She remarked when Nanoha left to go to the bathroom during lunch. "She shouldn't be so upbeat, she's gone bonkers." I sighed, I wasn't sure if I should disagree.
"I don't think she's crazy. She's probably just trying not to worry us by smiling." Is what Hayate said, but then she frowned, taking a bite of her lunch. "Seeing her like that though, only makes me more worried about her." Suzuka took her side, and I was left by myself, not sure how to respond to everything.
Nanoha returned fairly soon, so our conversation about her mental state came to a close, though it wasn't forgotten. She still seemed cheery, but something was wrong. It was her eyes. Maybe I was the only one who noticed it, but her eyes looked a little darker then. It was like something happened in the time that she was gone. Despite the smile, I knew better, she was furious. I had no idea why, but to see the anger buried under that smile, it was a little chilling to say the least. I decided to do something about it, I was going to get to the bottom of it.
There was still time before the bell rang. That didn't matter, if there was something going on, I could skip a class or two. Without warning, I rose from my seat, tread over to the other side where Nanoha was sitting, and grabbed her arm, pulling her up. "Come with me, I want to talk to you." I didn't want a response, and just pulled her away, while everyone stared at me like I had a dozen heads.
"Wait Fate-chan, that hurts." I loosened my grip a little, held her hand instead.
"Its just for a little bit, so come with me, okay?" She didn't say no, and willingly went along with me this time. The two of us left the cafeteria, headed upstairs. I was taking us to a place where we could have privacy, the roof of the school. I knew that the others would follow us, but at the very least they wouldn't disturb us. I wouldn't give them the chance anyway.
When we got to the door leading to the roof, I took out a key. We were all members of the astronomy club at school, though it was just our small circle of friends. As a part of that club, we got to use the roof from time to time, so I had a key. I unlocked the door, then sent Nanoha in first. I closed it behind me and locked it, making sure that there would be no interruptions.
Nanoha looked at me suspiciously, she didn't seem pleased to be up here. Well, it was kind of cold, so I didn't blame her. "Why did you bring me here, is something wrong?"
"Yeah, I don't understand you. Yesterday you were like a corpse, and now you're acting as if nothing happened. Its too strange, no one gets over the death of their family that fast."
"I told you, I was just-"
"I know, but I don't believe you." The smile that Nanoha had worn this whole time, the fake one, faded away. "Besides, you're angry, I can see it in your eyes. I want to know what happened when you went to the bathroom. Tell me, what is going through that head of yours." She looked up at the sky, just for a moment, then back at me. The smile returned, but it wasn't as reassuring as before.
"Looks like I've been found out, I was intending on just keeping it to myself. I should have known, you could always see through me, Fate-chan."
"What's going on? Did someone say something to you? I wont let anyone hurt you, so tell me and I'll set them straight." She waved it off.
"Just leave it alone. It was nothing." I didn't like this at all, her behaviour. Her attitude, the old her wouldn't have hid things from me like this.
"I can't leave it alone. Why are you being so strange? You're in pain, you're grieving. You don't need to show a smile if you don't feel like it, if you want to cry then cry. I'm here for you, we're all here for you. Why are you putting on this facade for us, why wont you just show us your honest feelings, and let us help you?" It wasn't exactly what I wanted to say, but it came out anyway. "Why wont you let me inside your heart. You're my best friend, why are you shutting me out?" Finally, a response, an honest one. Nanoha balled her hands into fists, she finally looked how she felt.
"That's not it. Its not like I'm shutting you out. I just don't know how to deal with it, I want to figure things out on my own, without burdening you anymore."
"Nanoha..."
"Don't say anything. All this time, I've done nothing but inconvenience you. As I am right now, I'm nothing but dead weight to you. I'm just a stupid baby that needs to be taken care of by her best friend."
I couldn't believe that she was saying such things about herself, it was painful to listen to. To know that this was what was going on in her heart, was hurting me as well. I don't understand, why she would say those things.
"You've never been a burden. Giving you a place to stay, being with you, comforting you. That's what friends do. If it were me in this situation, you would have done the same thing."
Nanoha and I stared down each other. She didn't look any less angry, but at the very least, I felt her soften up a little. "Yes, you're right, I would. But that doesn't change anything." The clenched fists she had, only became tighter. "Some girls were talking about you and me, but they didn't know I was there. They said that I can't be such a baby forever, and need to get over it. They're right. If I don't get better, I'll only trouble you more, and you'll end up hating me."
"Nanoha, I could never hate you." 'Not when I love you so much.' But I only thought that last part, and she shook it off anyway.
"You may not think so now, but what about in a month? A year? Ten years? I don't know when I'll be able to accept things, I may never be alright again. If you have to take care of me all that time, you'll surely come to hate me." Nanoha was so cruel sometimes. She knew just what to say to make me doubt myself. No one knew what the future held, so what she said was possible. But even if it was possible, I would never let myself hate her, no matter what. I'd sooner depart from this world.
Nanoha smiled at me again. Now everything was gone. All the emotions that previously showed on her face, disappeared. "I wont let you hate me Fate-chan, I wouldn't be able to endure it anymore if you hated me. That's why, before that happens..." She reached into her pocket, and pulled something horrible out. A box cutter. "I'll disappear from this world first, so that you never have the chance to hate me, and leave me alone."
"Nanoha, what are you doing?." My voice was shaky, and she didn't listen. She extended the blade out of it, and held up her wrist. We were on the roof, completely locked away from everyone else. If she did what I think she was going to do, then it could be a while before help arrived. I had to do something. "Nanoha, just calm down," I extended my hand to her. "Give me that, and we'll forget this happened. I wont tell the others about it." I took a step toward her, but that only made her place the edge of the blade across her wrist.
"Don't come any closer. I'm not myself, I don't know what I'll do if you get close to me. Please, don't come any closer, Fate-chan. This is something I have to do, so that I wont be a burden to you anymore."
"That's nonsense. We can talk about this, we can get you help. You don't have to suffer by yourself, that's why I'm here. I'd gladly take all your pain onto myself if I could, so just put it down." She sighed, shaking her head again.
"You don't understand at all, Fate-chan. I'm doing this, so that you wont have to do something so troublesome. Besides, this is my punishment, for what I said to mom. I should have been there, I should died with them that day. But I hurt mom, and now I have to live, knowing that everyone else is gone. Its agony, Fate-chan. I can't take it anymore, and I don't want you to be taken down by these feelings anymore either." She pressed the blade against her skin, a small droplet of blood formed.
"It wasn't your fault, you didn't kill them. If they could see you, they'd be glad to know your safe." Finally, she finally hesitated. I just had to push a little more. "Give me that thing. I said it before, you aren't a burden. Even if you were, its a hardship I would endure, even if it meant enduring it forever. That's because, you're my best friend. But more than that, because I care about you, more than anyone else. I love you, so I'll endure any kind of hardship to see you happy again." I took a few steps forward, she didn't tell me to stop this time, so I got a little closer, still holding my hand out. "Please, give it to me, Nanoha."
Her face twisted again. She smiled, a true, genuine smile this time. "Thank you Fate-chan, that made me happy. I love you too, that's why..." She dug the blade deeper. "I'm sorry. Forgive me, Fate-chan." It happened in a swift movement, she slashed the box cutter across her wrist. Almost immediately, a small amount of blood sprayed from her arm. That's how I knew it was bad, that she had gone deeper than she should have, all the way to the artery. She closed her eyes, letting the blood flow from her.
"Nanoha!" I ran now, grabbed her bleeding arm as tightly as I could. The bloody wouldn't stop flowing, it was too deep a cut, I couldn't do anything. "Damn it!" I pulled out my cell phone, dialling Hayate's number.
"Its too late, I'll die soon anyway, Fate-chan. Let me rest, I'm tired."
"Shut up, Nanoha! I wont let you die, no matter what." Hayate picked up on the second ring.
"Fate-chan, what's going on?"
"Never mind that, just get a teacher, call an ambulance!"
"Okay!" She hung up. I threw the phone away, putting all my energy in trying to keep the wound closed. I even took off my shirt and wrapped it around her arm. It just soaked through, but it was all I had.
"Please don't die on me Nanoha, you have to live." She was no longer responding to me. I didn't know if she passed out, or if she was just ignoring me. Either way, I couldn't stop myself from crying, my tears falling on her face and rolling down her cheeks. 'Don't die, don't die, don't die!' "Nanoha!"
On that rooftop, Nanoha tried to kill herself. I wouldn't let her die though, no matter what. She was losing blood fast. I didn't care if I wasn't a match, I would fill her body back up when the doctors arrived, I'd give her everything I had, as long as she didn't leave me.
'Please, don't die, Nanoha.'
