Preface: Taking a risk here. I don't know how to classify this. Some hurt/comfort? Angst. Sad, but hopeful. Castle comes home trying to surprise Beckett with a "just-because" fancy dinner, but the world stops when he sees what she's doing.
—
A Friday night undisturbed suited a nice dinner well, and that's exactly what Castle had planned for the evening. Martha was due for a night out with theatre buddies so she wouldn't be dropping by; Alexis left for the library with friends to drill her brains for her finals; so, the two of them would be alone…well alone, plus Jillian. But she'd be fast asleep by the time he'd get in anyway.
After picking up groceries along with their favorite wine, he bolted home to his girls. He hoped Beckett had put Jillian down to for bed, and that the rest of the night would go undisturbed.
Mindful of this when he walked in, he kept himself quiet, just in case the little one was still trying to fall sleep. He slipped the key in and opened the door with caution, careful to minimize any noise he made. Yet when he moved further in, he realized Beckett was talking but he had a difficult time discerning her words.
Setting the groceries on the couch, he motioned toward her voice, realizing she was upstairs in the baby's room. Curious he still kept his presence silent, and treaded up the stairs effortfully closing in on his wife's voice. When he reached the top of the staircase, he peaked in the room and saw Beckett in front of their video camera, clearly recording herself talking.
"…Mommy was so scared," he heard her say. She sniffled a little, moving her hands in front of her face, flicking away the apparent constant fall of tears. "I told daddy all the time. He told me things would be okay, that I would do great. He convinced me every day, all those months waiting for you. But I couldn't shake the fear. I didn't wanna do wrong by you baby. It didn't occur to me at the time what it would be like.
"But…when you were born? You changed everything. You changed me, how I felt. You gave me strength I didn't have before. I was still scared about raising you, but daddy was there to keep tellin' me we were gonna be great, that we were doing fine. And I just—I remember holding you in my arms, and I laughed while crying because I was so happy. So happy. I realized how easy it was, how easy it would be, because right then I fell in love with you. I fell in love with every part of you. Every day I still do. I love you more and more. That's what kept me goin', dad and you. I just want you to know that. I love you, my Jillybee. Always. Me and daddy love you with everything in us. So…I need you to do something for me.
"Daddy is a wonderful man. And I wish I could be there to tell you all the great things he's done. He is the best man I have ever known, and he always will be. So…I need you to take care of him. Do that for mommy. Don't let him change, don't let him stop going, make sure he's happy." At this point, Castle didn't realize the flow of tears down his cheeks, collecting into the collar of his shirt, soaking it. He paid no attention. His head was empty, only processing these painful words spilling out of his wife. Her heart overflowed, gushing out every raw feeling she had been holding inside. He knew them well, and he ached at how they changed her voice, drenching every word into an earnest plea. "And please—love him. Don't ever forget to love him. Care for him. Love him even if it one day becomes hard to…because he deserves it. For reasons you may or may not find out someday. Do that for me."
Evidently unable to go on, she walked up to the recorder and stopped it, and he saw the wetness and redness of her face as she tried to compose herself. Stepping into the room, his own eyes rimmed red, she looked up at him, eyes widened and mouth dropped. His face looked more pained in the light, the details of sorrow clearer as he walked toward her and yanked her into a tight embrace.
"Sweetheart what is this," he whispered roughly into her hair. His voice dragged, stressing to her his contempt. He ran a hand over her head as she tried to speak.
"I'm sorry," she started. He let go of her and they sat down on the rocking chair, Beckett cradled in his lap. "I didn't realize you'd be home that fast."
"Why, is this a regular thing every Friday night I come home late?" He had more body to his voice, which inadvertently got her to crack a smile before answering.
"No…I just…For the last week I've been dreaming about mom, a lot. More than usual."
"Oh," he said. The simplicity in his tone implied his understanding of where she would go with this.
"It's not even sad dreams either, you know? We're happy, together, just talking about everything. But I just think…every conversation in those dreams, they're my own ideas of what I wanted to know from her. The advice, stories, all the anecdotes. I think of everything we lost and I just wonder…if she knew she would leave that early, what would she have said beforehand. The last things she'd say to me."
"So you decided to do…this?"
"I wanted to, yeah. Just think about it. The work we've done…it puts us at risk. Grudges with others, plenty of others, with some pissed enough to seek retribution. I'm not saying I don't feel safe, but I won't be naive enough to believe something can't happen to us. I just want her to know…everything I said on the video. She deserves it. She deserves to know those things even if one day I can no longer tell her myself. I want to do this for her."
"This is…you know I want to support you in everything you do but this, it's morbid."
"Yes, fine, but it's not crazy, Rick, it's not. Are you telling me you're not scared to leave her behind? To leave Alexis behind?"
"Of course I'm scared but—" he paused a moment, musing on the idea to find the right words to ease her. "I guess I just believe that we've been through so much already—there's nothing else out there that we can't handle should something arise. My faith in us is—" he whistled while raising his up far above them before bringing it back down over their hands.
"I know…we've come through the unthinkable, hell and back. But I just wanna be prepared. I don't want her to experience what I did with my mom."
"She won't. I'm telling you. Come here," he said as they got up. They walked over to the crib and he picked up their little girl, laying her in his arms. She looked at peace. She didn't even stir. "You save that footage. Keep it locked up. But look at her," he said. She leaned into him, one arm around his waist and her other hand rested on Jillian's chest. "I have faith in us. We've made it this far, decently far if I might add, and now we have this little ity-bity person. A little girl with your eyes and my smile…who's gonna be just like you. And me. But better, because we're gonna be here to show her how. That is our next thing to handle, to get through. And if the tough part will be to stay alive for it, then we'll do it."
She tucked her face into his neck and under his jaw, absorbing all the words exchanged between them. She knew he was right, but a part of her couldn't bring herself to toss the tape. "I just wish mom had done something like this for me…for the hard times and the fun times she had to miss."
"She didn't have to," he started, beginning to hand over the sleeping child to her. She looked down at her and then back up at him with polished eyes as he wrapped his arms around both of them. "Your mother lives in you. Like you will in our baby girl. We're gonna raise her up, like parents do, trying to do the right thing and not completely screw her up—" he paused, waiting for her smile to peek out before continuing. "And we'll always be a part of her. She won't be rid of us, ever. In the way she walks, the way she talks, the way she thinks, the way she sings. Your mother lives on in you like you will in her. She hasn't missed a thing. Neither will we."
And in that moment, Jillian reached out for her mom's finger, clutching her tightly as if to reassure her she was there…and that she loved her.
She already loved her with all of her might.
