THE SLAVE LEIA DEBACLE
ACT I
(SCENE: A weightlifting gym at Cal Tech. Several large, muscular men are at various stations pumping iron and hefting dumbbells. A large screen television is evident in the background. The camera sweeps past and stops on RAJ, HOWARD, and LEONARD. RAJ has an Aqua-Man t-shirt, LEONARD is wearing a t-shirt with the Milky Way galaxy, and HOWARD is wearing one that says, "Knowledge is Power. Power Corrupts. Study and Be Evil")
HOWARD: Are we sure we want to do this? This looks like the kind of place where the people who used to stuff us into trash cans in high school went after graduation – IF they graduated. (Looks at KOOTHRAPPALI) And did you have to wear that Aqua-Man t-shirt?
RAJ: I couldn't help it. All my other shirts are clean, so I wore this one to get it dirty. I hate it. Aqua-Man sucks.
HOWARD: (Turns to LEONARD) Well, now that you've talked us into coming here, what do we do?
LEONARD: I don't know. I've never done this before, either.
HOWARD: Didn't they ever have weightlifting when you took gym in high school?
LEONARD: Yeah, but I got out of it because of my asthma.
HOWARD: (Turns to RAJ) How about you, Raj?
RAJ: Who, me? We didn't have to have muscles in India. That's what my family had servants for!
HOWARD: (Frustrated) So, what we're saying, is that we came down here, and none of us know the slightest thing about starting a weightlifting program? (RAJ and LEONARD nod. HOWARD turns to LEONARD.) Okay, bright boy. This was your idea, so you lead the way before we draw too much attention to ourselves here.
(A weightlifter passes by and notices KOOTHRAPPALI's shirt. Snickers.)
WEIGHTLIFTER: Nice shirt!
HOWARD: And our second priority after today will be to get Raj some new workout attire before we get stuffed into newer trash cans!
LEONARD: (Resigned) Okay, okay, let's just pick something and develop some kind of setup ritual. (They move to a free weight station where a large man is benching an impressively-sized barbell. He heaves it up and locks it back on the rack and sits up.)
WEIGHTLIFTER: Whew. That oughtta do it for today. (Leaves)
RAJ: (Looking at bench where the lifter's sweat has pooled on the benh.) That looks unhealthy.
HOWARD: Aren't they supposed to wipe those down after using?
LEONARD: Yeah, you would think so.
HOWARD: Want to draw straws to see who gets to go and tell him?
LEONARD: Not me!
RAJ: Not me!
HOWARD: But we still need to wipe that down! We can't just lie in that!
LEONARD: You're right. We need to find something to wipe it down with. (They look around but see no free towels.)
HOWARD: I don't see anything.
LEONARD: Me neither. I guess that means we're going to have to improvise somehow. (Pauses) (He and HOWARD look at RAJ.)
RAJ: (Uncertain) What?
HOWARD: C'mon. Your shirt. We need to wipe that down.
RAJ: What? I'm not wiping that down with my shirt!
LEONARD: C'mon! You just said a moment ago how much you hated it.
RAJ: I do! But that doesn't mean I want to disgrace one of the original Super Friends!
LEONARD: May I remind you that the "hero" in question is AQUA-MAN?!
HOWARD: Yeah, the only one who was almost as lame was Apache Chief. So, if you say a Native American phrase, you grow to be 40 feet tall and can rescue kittens in tall trees. Big deal. (They look at RAJ.)
RAJ: (Resigned) Okay, fine. But you guys are buying me a new shirt!
HOWARD and LEONARD: Deal.
(RAJ removes shirt and wipes down bench.)
RAJ: Okay, who gets to go first? (They exchange glances.)
HOWARD: I guess I'll go. Howard's first in the alphabet anyway. (Stretches out on bench.)
LEONARD: Okay, but I think we should take some of these plates off first.
HOWARD: How much do they weigh?
LEONARD: (Reads from plate) This one says fifty.
RAJ: Same here.
LEONARD: Well, that makes sense. They have to be balanced. Okay, we'll slide these off and leave one on each side. (He and RAJ remove plates, grunting and heaving as they do so until only one plate remains on each end.)
RAJ: Okay, now what do we do?
LEONARD: I saw this in the movies once. A guy stands behind the bar and is there to help in case the guy lifting can't raise it up any more. (Looks down at HOWARD.) We should probably both do it. (They move to take position.) Ready, Howard?
HOWARD: (Takes deep breath before locking arms on barbell.) Okay, let's do it!
(RAJ and LEONARD raise barbell and hold it above HOWARD for a moment. They release. HOWARD quivers slightly but manages to keep the bar raised.)
RAJ: Very good! You've kept it high!
LEONARD: He's supposed to lower it and then raise it back up.
RAJ: What? That's going to be so much more difficult.
LEONARD: That's the idea.
RAJ: Oh. (Notes television screen behind them.) Hey, isn't that Michael Green being interviewed?
LEONARD: (Turning away) Yeah, I think it is! Y'know, Sheldon and some of the other theoretical physicists have been saying he might be the next Stephen Hawking!
(HOWARD slowly begins lowering the bar.)
HOWARD: Uh, fellas?
RAJ: It's because of his belief in string theory, isn't it?
LEONARD: Yes. As a matter of fact, he was one of the pioneers behind it.
HOWARD: (Gasping as bar continues to inch closer to his chest) Uh, fellas?
LEONARD: In fact, he replaced Hawking at Cambridge back in 2009 and is now the Lucasian professor of mathematics there.
RAJ: You know, I still go back and forth on string theory.
LEONARD: Me too, but Sheldon's convinced about it.
HOWARD: (Bar drops across his upper chest region. He promptly begins flailing on bench, gasping for breath but cannot cry out.)
LEONARD: I mean, don't get me wrong, it has a lot of apparent validity to it.
RAJ: Especially how it explains particle interaction.
LEONARD: Right, but it's still just so complicated. I mean, that's probably why it's so difficult to grasp in a 30-second news highlight. I mean, the complexities take years to develop and hours to explain.
(HOWARD continues flailing and gasping.)
RAJ: Still, it could help understand electromagnetism and the way atomic nuclei hold together.
LEONARD: That's true. I read in a journal article it could also explain gravity and radiation as well.
RAJ: But nobody's ever been able to definitively prove a unified theory.
LEONARD: Agreed. But he seems to be coming the closest.
(HOWARD collapses. His arms drop to his sides and his legs slide out. He looks like a squished bug.)
LEONARD: What do you think, Howard?
RAJ: Yes, what's your opinion?
LEONARD: (Back still turned) Howard? C'mon. What's your theory?
RAJ: Yes. Help us break the logjam here.
LEONARD: (Turns) Howard?
RAJ: (Turns as well) Howard?
LEONARD: Oh, my GOD! Get the bar! (He and RAJ quickly lift and struggle to restack the bar on the stand. They then raise HOWARD to a sitting position.) Are you okay?
HOWARD: (Heaving) When – when – when – I – get – get – my – str – str – strength back, I'm going to k- k- kill both of you!
LEONARD: Okay, um, well, let's not worry about that, now. Why don't we try something safer?
RAJ: Like what?
LEONARD: (Looks around) Well, there's that Nautilus machine over there. Let's try that!
(The group moves over to the machine where another lifter is finishing his workout. He rises and leaves without wiping the bench.)
LEONARD: I'm beginning to see a pattern of behavior here. (He turns to RAJ)
RAJ: What? Oh, no. Not again.
LEONARD: Come on! Your shirt's already soiled!
RAJ: No. One soiling is enough, thank you.
LEONARD: (Looks around and spies a lat-weight pull-down machine.) How about that one? You pull the bar down instead of up, so there's no chance of it coming down and crushing you!
RAJ: That sounds fine with me.
LEONARD: Great. You want to go first since you had to give up your shirt already?
RAJ: Okay. How does it work?
LEONARD: (Helps HOWARD over. He is still out of breath and grasping his chest.) I think you set this pin here underneath the amount of weights in the stack you want to work with. Then, you pull them down and raise them so you work a different set of muscles!
RAJ: Okay. How many plates, then?
LEONARD: Well, they don't appear to be labeled, but they're much smaller than the barbell plates, so why don't we just start with 15 or so?
RAJ: Okay, that sounds like an even number.
LEONARD: (Turns to HOWARD) Howard, can you help me? (HOWARD is still out of breath but nods.)
RAJ: Why does he need to help?
LEONARD: Well, I'm guessing this is just like the other place where you need a spotter.
RAJ: Oh. Okay.
(LEONARD positions pin into weight stack and with HOWARD's help they lower the bar to RAJ, who is seated on the floor but facing the wrong way, i.e., facing out vs. facing the weight machine.)
LEONARD: Okay, so we're just going to give this bar to you. You slowly allow it raise, and then you pull it back down while staying seated. Got it?
RAJ: (Confident) Okay! Let's do it!
LEONARD: Ready, Howard? (HOWARD nods.) One – two – three!
(They release the bar. It promptly rockets upward, bringing RAJ with it. The bar catches LEONARD and HOWARD in the chin and knocking them out while RAJ's head collides with the pulley extension of the machine, knocking him out as well. Two weightlifters appear and look down at the three unconscious forms in front of them.)
WEIGHTLIFTER 1: Uh-oh. Here we go again.
WEIGHTLIFTER 2: What?
WEIGHTLIFTER 1: Told ya. New guys always over do it.
WEIGHTLIFTER 2: How do you know they were new?
WEIGHTLIFTER 1: 'C'mon, man. An Aqua-Man t-shirt?
WEIGHTLIFTER 2: Oh, man. (Pauses) Okay, you check his wallet and I'll go get the nurse.
(Dissolve to: PENNY, AMY, and BERNADETTE having wine at PENNY'S apartment. BERNADETTE looks depressed while AMY is staring wide-eyed at the calendar.)
BERNADETTE: All I can say is, if I'd known how much it was going to upset Howie, I never would have dressed up like Slave Leia!
PENNY: (Shakes head) Uh-uh. You have nothing to be ashamed of, girlfriend. That picture makes you look hot!
BERNADETTE: I know. But it makes me feel like two different women!
PENNY: (Swallowing wine) How so?
BERNADETTE: Well, there's the good girl who went to Catholic school who grew up to be a respectable scientist who wants to be treated professionally with respect. But then there's the other me that went to Catholic school and wants to be freaky all the time because of all the repression!
PENNY: Hmm. That's a good point. Amy, what do you think?
(AMY continues to stare at calendar picture.)
PENNY: Amy?
AMY: How do you get your legs to look like that? Mine still look like cottage cheese wrapped in cellophane!
PENNY: Amy? We're talking about Bernadette here?
AMY: What? Oh, sorry. (Looks at calendar again) What was the question?
PENNY: Does Bernadette have anything to be ashamed of?
AMY: Ashamed?! ASHAMED?! If my thighs looked like this, I'd wear this costume 24/7!
BERNADETTE: Actually, I think the costume was just for the photo shoot!
PENNY: Now, hold on a second. What about all the gals on campus who are going to look at you differently now because of this? You know, the ones who will scream that you're objectifying yourself, degrading all women by doing this, y'know, that sort of thing?
AMY: That's because they don't have gams that look this good!
BERNADETTE: (Swallowing more wine) But I didn't do it for all women! I did it because I wanted to have fun and because I wanted to give money to charity!
PENNY: What was the charity?
BERNADETTE: That's the thing I couldn't figure out. They gave me a name, but every time I Googled it, it came up negative! (Sighs) Nonprofits really need to work on their online marketing!
(PENNY turns to AMY, who is still captivated by the calendar.)
PENNY: Amy?
AMY: What? Oh, sorry. (Pauses) I still say you have nothing to be ashamed of by this picture. You're showing only some leg, the barest of midriff areas, and the breastplate completely covers your prominent bosom!
BERNADETTE: (Thinks) Gosh, thanks. I was worried about my bosom!
PENNY: (Swallowing wine) I say you have nothing to be ashamed of. Most girls on campus couldn't look this good. And besides, most of them wear less than this when they go to the beach!
BERNADETTE: But what about my Howie? He seems so jealous!
AMY: Was that part of the ploy?
BERNADETTE: What?! No! I would never want to make my Howie jealous! (Swigs wine) At least not obviously!
(All laugh.)
PENNY: Yeah, but that can still come back and bite you on the ass. I got caught talking up my past with Stephen the other day, and Leonard got really pissed.
BERNADETTE: Were you trying to make him jealous?
PENNY: Not at first. But then, the longer he let me go on talking to him, the more resentful I got that he didn't step in and assert himself! Y'know, it's like, "Hey, I'm over here with my ex. Come and get me, okay?"
AMY: I see. This reminds me of the proof that Sheldon gave me.
(All look at her quizzically)
PENNY: The what?
AMY: The proof he gave me. Sheldon likes to think in theorems and proofs. (Swigs wine) I know that sounds surprising, but believe me, it's true!
PENNY: Um, okay…but what's the proof?
AMY: (Swallowing wine) That we women are insane.
PENNY: WHAT?!
BERNADETTE: WHAT?!
AMY: It's true. Sheldon enumerated it for me. As a woman, I was horribly offended; but as a scientist, I confess I found his reasoning hard to refute.
BERNADETTE: Well, what was the proof?
PENNY: (Swigging the last of her wine and pouring still more.) Yeah, this I gotta hear.
AMY: Well, basically, it goes like this. What is the definition of insanity according to Einstein?
PENNY: Huh?
BERNADETTE: (Swallowing wine) Oh, I know this! It's doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!
AMY: Correct. Now, when we women like a man, do we come out and tell him, or do we always hint and hope that he'll catch on?
PENNY: Oh, don't get me started. Leonard never gets any of the hints I give him.
BERNADETTE: Neither does Howie. It's the one thing his mother and I have in common in terms of frustration!
AMY: Yes, but that's just it.
PENNY: (Confused) What?
BERNADETTE: I don't get it, either!
AMY: Well, we keep dropping hints in hopes that our men will get them, but they never do! (Pauses) Insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results!
PENNY: (Thinks) Couldn't we just conclude that they're stupid?
AMY: Well, yes, but that requires a separate proof that I'm still working on.
PENNY: (Thinks) You know, I think I know a way we can put all this behind us and make everyone happy!
AMY: What? Oh, do tell! I so love a secret! (Pauses) Even though, of course, hearing it means that it's no longer a secret!
PENNY: Well, here's what I think we need to do…
(Cut to: commercial)
10
