Part 2: Patrick Jane

xxx

Jane watched the two women leave, still sipping his tea against Lisbon's bookshelf.

The two of them seemed to have come to sort of truce. Agent Darcy had offered friendship, and Lisbon had tentatively accepted it. He should have known that would happen; the two women had a fair bit in common after all. Ah well, he was fairly certain that Agent Darcy wasn't complicit with Red John (though it was impossible to be 100% certain), so it certainly wasn't something he'd concern himself with overly. Still, he'd keep an eye out, make sure that Agent Darcy was exactly what she seemed, a woman who was dedicated to catching bad guys, not someone with a dangerous hidden agenda. Not someone who intended Lisbon harm.

Jane considered his teacup. Obviously he needed to start watching out for Lisbon now. Even more than he had been.

She was too far onto Red John's radar.

He'd thought maybe... After he hadn't spoken to her for six months... It should have sent a clear message to the serial killer. This is why she was safer when she was ignorant of his plans. Trust didn't even enter into at this point.

Darcy did seem to be coming in peace though, if her little smile of goodbye to Lisbon was anything to go by.

He supposed that was something.

Jane watched Lisbon give a final wave and turn back towards her office. He braced himself against the bookshelf.

He didn't know what was coming. She wasn't about to toss him out of her office, of that he was sure. She'd said something about him being back earlier. And, okay. He was, or he wanted to be.

But surely it wasn't all that simple?

Surely she hated him for what he'd done, at least a little.

She didn't look it though. She was biting her lip, and almost smiling. "So, no arrest warrants then," he said as she approached, careful to keep his tone neutral.

She shook her head. "No, guess not. Good thing you were almost getting your finger cut off by a particularly large one of Red John's goons on the hood of a massive limo when Darcy arrived. That really backed up my story quite well."

Jane tried to relax; it was harder than it should have been. "Glad my extreme terror could be of service."

Lisbon shrugged. "Basically the entire FBI still thinks you're a lunatic."

"Meh," Jane replied, sipping his tea. "You don't think so, though."

Lisbon shook her head. "Not today. I think you're loads of other things."

"You told me," he murmured, remembering her voice as she'd yelled at him in the church. She wasn't going to give up on him though. Not now. Not now that he was reaching out and asking for her help.

She hadn't been able to stop him from apparently giving up and pushing her away. But he didn't think she'd ever given up hope, not completely. Not Lisbon. But it had been his turn to make the gesture, probably still was. Maybe he should...

She was only a few feet away. Jane stepped away from the shelf he'd been leaning against.

He could feel himself inching towards her. This was the problem with standing in her presence now. He had the craziest urge to move slightly closer. Maybe it was because he hadn't seen her in six months. He'd been away for so long, and now, all of a sudden, here she was again, right in front of him.

When he'd first seen her in that church, for a second none of it had mattered. Not Red John, not Lorelei, not his fake breakdown, not the fact that it still took him less than an hour to find her, not even the fact that she was sad and hurt. All that had mattered was that after six months, she was right there and he'd been so happy to see her.

In the church the pew had been separating them. And he'd been sitting down. It was easier not to shift towards her when he was sitting down or leaning against something (like a bookshelf). The furniture was something solid, fixed, a convenient reminder. Still, even sitting in the church he'd leaned close to speak his secret next to her ear. She'd let him, even as she'd barely looked at him. But that was okay, he'd watched her more than enough to make up for that.

He'd watched her heart try not to break, and he knew that sorry wouldn't be enough (probably nothing would be; he'd never be able to pay back what he'd owed).

Then he'd left. He'd been too selfish, and too scared to stay, not even for another minute. Eventually, even the pew wouldn't have been enough of a barrier. He'd needed to remind himself of how things stood.

The next time he'd seen her, she'd invited him into her office, with that soft, welcoming, understanding voice of hers. And he hadn't been able to stop himself from wrapping himself around her. There'd been so much momentum, and so much emotion, and stress, and... And she'd trusted him.

After that when he'd been near her, he'd made sure he'd always been sitting, or leaning, or something. Something that made it easier not to drift.

Easier, but not impossible. At least, not for parts of him. (His hands seemed to have a will of their own today.)

Now they were both standing together in her office, and he was drifting again.

He'd been all alone for so long, letting himself fall apart. He'd really let everything fall apart. Everything had changed now. Except her.

She was still here. Mostly. He knew he wasn't completely forgiven. If he was honest, he didn't quite understand why she wasn't angrier. He half expected another eruption like he'd gotten in the church any moment now.

Jane didn't know what was going on through her head. He wanted to find out. He wanted to find out how she was doing, check that she was okay. He wanted...

He wanted to make her tea.

"Are you alright?" he asked softly.

Lisbon smirked. "Shouldn't I be asking you that question?"

Jane shook his head as he reached a hand towards her, unable to resist any longer; he trailed a finger along her wrist. "You were the one who almost got shot."

"You didn't shoot me," Lisbon said in exasperation. "That was the point."

"Fine, you were the one who put their job on the line then," Jane murmured.

She shrugged. "Already did that once to try and get Red John. Besides, I still have my job."

"Hmm," Jane muttered, still trailing his finger along her wrist. Why was she making this difficult? Why couldn't she just... He was trying.

He was trying to make her less sad. He was trying to watch out for her. She would need careful protection. Red John was thinking about making her a toy.

Jane wouldn't allow that.

He'd have to be very careful what his next move was. It would need to be carefully designed to put Lisbon in less danger. He slipped his fingers against hers.

Jane hesitated, "Lisbon, about the last six months..."

"You mean your stupid plan?" Lisbon asked, suddenly angry and sliding her hand away.

Jane could feel himself turning towards her in response, getting just slightly closer. Damn it. They both needed to sit down again. "I didn't mean to..."

She cut him off. "No, I suppose I was just an unfortunate casualty."

"Look," Jane murmured.

"You couldn't possibly have told me what you were up to," Lisbon continued, ignoring him. "Not even once, not a single message. Couldn't have eased my worry even a little. You know what, never mind. You really are the biggest jerk."

"I said I was sorry," Jane said softly, feeling the same pain in his gut that he had when she'd yelled at him in the church. She'd been hurt, as he'd known she would be. He hadn't wanted to hurt her. He'd just wanted to catch Red John. He shifted even closer.

"Whatever," Lisbon muttered, taking a half a step back and very obviously not looking up at him. "It was a horrible plan."

He reached for the sleeve of Lisbon's jacket, just briefly. He had a sudden urge to make it better, to fix it. But he didn't know how. Not without making a promise he couldn't keep. And that he wouldn't do.

"All of your plans are horrible," Lisbon grumbled, more to herself than anything.

Jane almost smiled. Almost. "You still go along with them," he said, still softly.

Lisbon shrugged. "Because it's better than the alternative."

"See now." Jane murmured encouragingly, pleased that she seemed to find helping him preferable than leaving him to his own devices, even if he didn't deserve that degree of loyalty. He wished he had more to offer in return.

He watched Lisbon's shoulders soften, even as she still refused to look at him. "I still hate you."

"I know," Jane agreed easily.

"Good." Lisbon said brusquely.

Jane's felt a wave of affection for the woman in front of him. He hadn't expected to find someone like her, but now that he had... He couldn't make promises, even with regards to his own safety, but there might be something he could give her. "I could teach you techniques to help you sleep."

That earned him another glare. "If you even think about hypnotizing me right now, I swear to god, Jane..."

He placed a hand on the small of her back. "No," he assured her quietly. "No, nothing like that. Breathing techniques, that sort of thing."

She looked away from him, but he caught the flash of pain in her eyes now that the anger was gone. She was really so close. Oh, he'd missed her. It would be so easy to pull her into his arms. So easy...

When she finally looked up again, the pain had been replaced with determination. "So, Lorelei?"

Jane told himself that he should have expected this. "The woman I slept with after she bailed me out of jail, on Red John's orders," he summarized, his chest tightening.

"Did you know who she was when..." Lisbon asked softly.

"Of course not," Jane said. "Not for sure. I suspected Red John might try to contact me, but I didn't know how, or by who. I admit, I did pretty much wonder with every new person I met, but..."

"Okay," Lisbon replied with a decisive nod. "I'm not gonna say you can't question her because of your relationship," Jane looked at her sharply, annoyed at the hidden warning, but she continued. "I know that would be pointless anyway. Just, when you talk to her, you've gotta talk to her like she's a suspect. Use your connection to her, fine. But if at any point I think that you're going soft on her, or you're going to let her go, or she's playing you..."

"I'll be playing her, don't worry," Jane assured her.

"Just like you played Erica Flynn?" Lisbon asked sharply.

Jane stepped back. He should have expected that. "That's different."

She didn't back down. "How?"

He tried for the joke. "We won't let Lorelei out of jail, no matter what she offers."

But Lisbon didn't laugh. "Jane..."

He decided to lay it out on the table. "Does part of me wish that she wasn't in Red John's employ?" Jane asked. "Yes, absolutely. I did like her. But Lisbon, she is one of Red John's people, so no, I'm not gonna fall for what she's selling."

"We'll see," Lisbon murmured.

"Besides," Jane added, stepping closer again without realizing. "I'll have you to look after me?" To his annoyance, he realized what had been meant as a statement came out as a question.

He watched her watch him, obviously trying to decide if what he was saying was the truth.

"I didn't say no before, you really think I'm going to now?" she asked sarcastically after a moment.

The relief he felt wasn't surprising. He'd expected it, just as he'd expected her answer, but she was hurt, and he had to remember that. Plus, he knew that she didn't quite understand.

He played game upon game upon game. He'd pretended to shoot her. He'd pointed a gun at her and fired. It'd been terrifying. Even if he knew that none of the bullets pierce her skin. Even if he knew that... That he wouldn't kill her, wouldn't be responsible for her death. Not directly anyway. He'd known what his plan was dragging her into what could have been mortal danger. He'd been frightened.

Were they really going to pretend that he didn't remember what he'd said to her?

Whether she believed his apparent memory lapse or not (and Jane had his doubts), he had to pretend. He couldn't afford complications right now; neither of them could. Even if the words had been...

Jane shut down that line of thinking and made sure to keep his voice light and even. "I admit, the possibility that Lorelei worked for Red John had occurred to me, Lisbon. That was the basis of my entire plan after all. But I didn't know..."

Lisbon sighed in exasperation, "Jane."

He ignored the warning in her tone, continuing on with apparent cheer. "It was unbelievably tempting to believe that a beautiful woman might want me, even knowing how screwed up I was."

He heard her gasp in the suddenly quiet room. Then she looked away again, "I can understand that," she said, her voice low.

He reached a hand out again without realizing it, this time landing on her elbow.

Unlike when he'd done it earlier, this time Lisbon tensed.

Jane wished that he wasn't such a coward. He'd wished it earlier too, when she'd asked him her question.

She terrified him sometimes. And she made him happy. Often unintentionally.

And he didn't want her to leave. He wanted to make her a little bit less sad, especially after all that he'd done to her.

The worst part was, any minute now, she'd be coming up with a convenient excuse to get him out of her office. She was going to ask for some time alone, to try to sort out her day. Heaven knows, she deserved it.

Still, he'd have to cut her off at the pass, "Do you want a cup of tea?"

He watched her glance at the teacup he'd set on her table. "Don't you already have some?"

"I could make more," he promised.

Jane watched her hesitate. He knew it wouldn't solve anything. Things wouldn't just be magically okay again. Not even okay as they'd ever been. Tea wasn't a miracle-worker. But, well, maybe it would help. At least, maybe she'd let him sit with her for a while. It'd been so long since he'd done that. He just wanted a bit more of her time. The future was still uncertain, but Lisbon had always been constant. He needed that.

He watched her eyes suddenly brighten. She was pleased. He didn't quite see how or why, but she was.

"Please."

As he slipped out of her office, Jane had to remind himself that hope was dangerous.

xxx

TBC