Okay, this story did a lot better than my other trilogy thingy. It dot more than twice as many reviews in the first chapter as it did in the whole thing! So anyway, this is the...er...angst-y chapter. There are only mild mentions of suicide, but I feel I should warn you all the same. And now I have.
So go ahead! Read on, into the second installment of Birds and Dogs!
On an unrelated note, HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!
I won't be able,
To apologise enough.
Sorry anyway.
Edward's eyes opened on a stretch of endless blue sky. Wispy clouds were scattered about it, and a blinding white sun hung in the middle.
He turned his head slightly, taking in a seemingly boundless field of waving grass. Pale white flowers dotted the green expanse, the only sign of irregularity in the neverending place.
"Edward."
Edward's body jerked, his pupils contacting and his chest tightening. He raised himself slowly off the ground, his eyes wide and startled.
"Mom…?" His hoarse, cracking voice reached a surprisingly high pitch.
Trisha Elric sat before him, smiling gently and reaching forward with one hand to grab his wrist gently. "Ah, has my little man caught a fever?"
Edward just sat in mute shock as his mother took his hand closer and turned it palm side up, tracing her finger up his arm to his forehead.
"It's okay. Don't worry," she said softly. "I'll take care of you."
"Mom…" Edward repeated, his face taking on a look of disbelief, longing and a long-contained anguish. "I… I'm sorry…"
"Shh," Trisha hushed, placing a hand on her son's forehead. "It's okay. I'll help you. I can make you better."
She drew him in close, pulling his head into her arms. For one brief second, Edward closed his eyes and his head lolled contentedly, taking a fleeting moment to breathe in his mother's scent.
"I can make you better…like you couldn't do for me."
Edward's heart missed a beat as he felt something warm and wet seeping onto his chest, over his shoulder and down his back.
Blood.
He recoiled immediately, the realisation dawning on him.
"Mom!" he grabbed her shoulders, frantically searching her body for the source of the bleeding. But it saturated almost every inch of her form, pooling on the grass beneath her and staining the earth crimson.
Edward's front was coated with that same blood, his black jacket and trousers now a bright shade of red.
The woman before him smiled again, her eyes soft and sorrowful. "It's okay, Edward. It's okay."
"No, no it's not," Edward insisted, his tone panicky. "You-you're bleeding…! We have to… I have to…!" He trailed off, his breath catching in his throat and his hands darting wildly across his mother's body.
"Don't be like that, Ed. I have to go now."
"No… Please, no! Don't… Don't go!" Edward pleaded, grasping Trisha's hand. But it was fading - actually, physically fading - and her body was quickly becoming insubstantial.
"See you, my little man," she said, her face disappearing before Edward's eyes.
"Mom…" whispered Edward, reaching forward with a bloodstained arm. "Don't go! Mom, no!"
He lunged forward but clasped nothing, falling onto his hands and knees.
"Please no…" he mumbled. "It hurts… I'm so cold and it hurts."
He cast his head up to the nonchalantly blissful sky, shouting, "Mom! I'm sorry! So sorry! Please forgive me!"
Both of us forgot.
What could possibly equal
A human soul's worth?
"Gak! I-I-I… I'm sorry…!" Edward forced his heavy eyes open only to cringe and close them again as a wave of dizziness washed over him, making him feel sick. "Ohh…"
He rolled over onto his side and curled around his left arm, facing the wall. Pressing his forehead against the cool surface of it, he let out a shaky breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding.
"Urgh…" Another bout of sickness hit, making him groan loudly and grit his teeth. It eventually passed, followed by a painful series of coughs and a furious headache.
This was uncomfortable.
In the main room, Maes set down his cup of coffee and looked over his shoulder at the door into the bedroom. "Doesn't sound good."
Roy shifted in his seat, looking up as Maes turned his attention back to the table. "No. Doesn't sound too good at all."
There was a soft grinding noise as Alphonse wrung his rough hands against the metal of his wrists.
"Go check on him," said Roy, motioning to Alphonse with a flick of his head. "If it'll make you feel any better."
Alphonse nodded and stood up, clanking his way over to the bedroom and pushing the door open. He stepped inside, shuffling as quietly as he could towards his brother's bed, trying not to aggravate his headache. Softly, he called out, "Brother?"
"Nghk. Yeah?" was the hoarse reply he received.
"Are you okay? You want anything? How are you feeling?" Alphonse examined his brother's body, disappointed to see that he was thoroughly drenched in sweat, his face red and his eyes notably bright in the half-light.
"Too many questions," he muttered, frowning with his eyes closed. "Slow down."
"How are you?" Alphonse tried. "Any better?"
"Worse. Head hurts again. Hot. Feel sick."
"Oh." Alphonse sagged a little, his desire yet inability to help flaring up once again. "Do you need anything? Want medicine?"
"Unngh…no. All good."
"…Okay then. Just keep resting."
"Al…"
"Yes?"
"You got someone out there?"
Alphonse jumped a little, replying with, "Um, yeah. Colonel Mustang and Major Hughes stopped by for a little while. They'll be going soon, I think."
"'Kay," Edward muttered, pressing his cold auto-mail against his face.
Alphonse returned to the table, sighing heavily.
"He says he feels worse," the younger Elric reported begrudgingly, looking at his feet. "And he still won't take medicine."
"Alright." Roy and Maes stood at the same time, both placing their hands on the table.
They exchanged a quick glance before Roy asked, "Where's the medicine, Alphonse?"
"It… It's over there…by the sink."
Maes made a beeline for the kitchen whilst Roy rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt, both men having removed their uniform jackets a short time ago.
"Wh-what…?!" Alphonse started, glancing at the men. "What are you doing?"
"We're going to solve this," Roy proclaimed, gesturing at the door with his thumb. "Just you watch."
"But—"
"No buts!" scolded Maes. "I've had to do the exact same to Elysia on occasion!"
"And," Roy added, "she carries the same stubborn streak as her father here. Edward won't be a problem; I haven't spent the last two years as his commanding officer without learning how to deal with him!"
Alphonse's protests died before ever leaving his helmet as the two officers grabbed the medicine and made for the bedroom.
"Fullmetal?" Roy called quietly into the dim light.
"Go 'way, Colonel."
"Just 'Colonel'…?" echoed Maes.
"Colonel Bastard," Edward corrected himself, his words punctuated by painfully prominent huffs of breath. "And company."
"Ed," Maes began. "We're in this room because Alphonse says you won't drink any medicine."
"S'what?" retorted Edward, pushing himself into a sitting position. His body trembled with the effort, and the strain being put on his arms in just this simple movement was clear on his flushed face. "Not your problem."
"It is when you're my subordinate and you're off duty for a sickness that could be solved by something as simple as medicine," Roy pointed out.
"And when you're making your brother worry like that," Maes added.
"Gngh," argued Edward, cringing. "Get out."
"Not leaving 'til you take some," Roy told him.
"You'll be here a while, then," replied Edward. His half-closed eyes indicated that he'd probably fall asleep if Roy and Maes decided they wanted to wait. His head lolled forward a little, then he jerked back up, going an even brighter shade of red. "Look, I'm tired, sick, and I just wanna sleep. You couldn't just gimme one favour and leave me be?"
"Not 'til you take the medicine," Maes repeated stubbornly, crossing his arms and blowing out his cheeks. "C'mon; you'll get better a lot faster if you do."
"No."
Roy narrowed his eyes. "Alright, Ed. You're asking for it now."
"Whatcha gonna do?" Edward snapped, attempting irritation.
"As Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, I am utilising my authority over you, Major Edward Elric the Fullmetal Alchemist, and directly ordering you to take this medicine," Roy said commandingly, tapping the side of the bottle with a spoon.
"That's an abuse of power and status!"
"Should you refuse to obey this direct order, it may result in a court-martial, worst case scenario. In any case, you will most definitely receive some form of punishment, be it a court-martial, a black mark, penalisation or even suspension. The lightest you'll get away with would be—"
"Okay, okay…!" Edward pleaded, showing his palms submissively. "I'll take the damned stuff, just please stop talking… It hurts my head!"
Roy allowed himself a victorious smirk of victory.
Maes stuck out his tongue as he poured the medicine onto the spoon, a habit Roy had figured he had never quite managed to shake off since his childhood.
He handed it to Edward, who held it for a few seconds before stuffily grumbling, "Okay. I'm taking this, but because I want to, not because you told me to."
"Yeah, yeah," Roy retorted with a smirk. "Just take it and get better."
Maes grinned and strode out of the room, proclaiming, "My work here's done. Rest up and get better soon, Ed."
Roy remained, seeing to it that Edward took every last drop of the medicine. Holding it in his mouth and then spitting it out seemed like just the kind of trick he would play.
Once the boy had swallowed, grimacing and flicking his tongue in and out like a cat that had drunk sour milk, he handed the spoon back to Roy.
"Hey, bastard?" Edward asked, his voice rough and hoarse. "Is today Al's birthday?"
Roy cast a glance at the door, then back at his youngest subordinate. "Yes. It is."
Edward closed his eyes, letting out a sigh. "I knew it. That liar. He told me it was only the eighth."
Roy nodded approvingly. "You've got a good intuition."
"No." Edward denied the statement with a sluggish shake of his head. "I just know Al really well."
Roy shrugged. "Fair enough."
Edward pulled a face, rubbing his palm against his forehead in distress. "I didn't even get the chance to buy him anything… Darnit. And he turned thirteen. That's like…the milestone."
Roy's smirk faded and he gave a single nod. "I'm sure he'll understand. Besides, you care enough that you gave up an arm for him. I don't think he'll really mind not getting presents from you. And everyone we know got him something too, so he's not short on gifts."
Edward twitched at the word 'short'.
"Yeah, but still… I gotta keep repaying him for…what happened. And besides, it's what you're supposed to do when it's someone's birthday. I feel bad for not doing it…"
"It's okay. If you want, I can ask Maes to take him out somewhere nice. I can babysit you whilst he's gone."
"I don't need a babysitter! I'm perfectly capable of—Kuhack! Kof, kof!"
Roy raised an eyebrow as Edward doubled over in a heavy fit of coughing. The boy straightened up, wincing and wiping away the tears his coughing had summoned that were streaming down his cheeks.
"You are very sick, Ed," Roy deadpanned. "If it weren't for your brother's respect for your wishes, I'd already have dragged you down to a clinic."
Edward looked up with red-rimmed eyes, half-wondering where Roy was going with this, and sniffed.
"I'm telling you now, you don't have a chance of staying here alone. If not your brother, it'll either be myself or Maes."
Edward's tired golden eyes dulled. "Yeah, but—" He broke off to clear his throat. "But…" He trailed off, unable to think of a clever rebuttal.
"You see?" Roy said. "Now, do you want me to ask Maes to call in sick and take Alphonse out somewhere?"
Edward looked down and nodded. "Yeah. That'd be awesome. He won't hafta deal with me then."
"Good. I'll let them know."
Roy vanished from the room and was back moments later. "He's taking Alphonse to his house first, and then down to the park to play with Elysia. Is that okay?"
"That's great," Edward mumbled, having difficulty keeping his eyes open. "Thanks a heap."
"Okay, then," Roy said. "I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything."
He wandered from the room again, gently closing the door over and leaving Edward in quiet darkness.
We've seen the darkest,
Things and places on offer.
Thinking of light hurts.
"Bwah!"
"What is it, big brother?"
"N-nothing!"
"Lemme see!"
Young Alphonse reached across the wooden floor for his elder brother's piece of paper, grunting with the effort.
"N-no way!" Edward exclaimed, going red and sliding the sheet under his belly.
"I wanna see! I wanna see!" Alphonse protested, climbing onto his brother's back and tugging lightly on his bangs. "Lemme see, big bro!"
"I don't wanna show you! I did somethig weird! Now get off, you big heavy chubby!"
"Can I see it? Please?" Alphonse begged, placing his head on his brother's shoulder. "And I'm not fat!"
"No," muttered Edward. "It's embarrassing. You'll laugh."
"Promise I won't!" Alphonse said pleadingly. "Please let me see!"
Edward scowled, muttering something under his breath. "Okay, fine. But promise you won't laugh!"
"Promise!"
Edward sat up and gently slid the paper out from underneath himself and showed Alphonse. For a moment, the younger Elric didn't know how to react.
"Brother…what is that?"
"It was supposed to be a horse…"
Alphonse scrutinised the scrawled drawing from his vantage point and cocked his head. Eventually, he asked, "Why does it have a pipe sticking out of it's head?"
"That was supposed to be an ear…"
"Oh…" Alphonse looked at the drawing for a little longer, before a smirk twitched on the corner of his lips.
"Al?"
Alphonse let out a snicker, and then burst into a fit of full-blown giggles, rolling off his brother's back and onto the floor.
"You said you wouldn't laugh!" shouted Edward, his face burning red. "You promised!"
"Brother…" Alphonse panted, pointing to the drawing. "Brother, you drew a unicorn!" He exploded into high-pitched laughter, rolling around and clutching his sides.
Edward huffed, then looked back at his drawing and smirked. A grin crept across his face and he too started laughing. "You're right! It does look like a unicorn!"
"A fat one!"
"It's a fat unicorn!"
The two brothers sprawled on the floor, panting and grinning. They looked at the drawing again.
"Pfft! Nyahaha!"
"Ahahaha! Bro drew a fat unicorn!"
The two of them were quite content to spend hours that way, lying on the floor together and drawing silly little doodles.
But good things often had a habit of going awry with the Elric brothers.
Sometimes I wonder,
Why are you all against us?
Someone please help me.
Edward woke up crying.
He wiped his eyes hastily, muttering, "No, no, no… Not now, not now…"
He choked back the anguished sobs, sniffing and trying to dry his face as fast as he could. He couldn't afford for the Colonel to catch him this way now.
"Fullmetal? Are you okay in there?"
Of course, the world had never worked in Edward's favour.
The boy didn't respond, knowing that if he did, his voice would crack and blow his cover instantaneously. And right now, when he was at his lowest possible point, it just wasn't an option.
"Mm-hm."
"Are you sure? Do you want any water?"
"Mm-mm."
"So, how are you feeling?"
Oh. Okay. How to go about this one? Okay, okay, okay… Just say one word. That shouldn't give anything away.
"'M fi-ine."
Crap. Crappity, crappity crap.
"Is there something wrong with your voice?" Roy asked.
Edward lay in dead silence, still facing the wall and trying to stop the frustrated tears streaming down his cheeks. Dammit, dammit, dammit!
"Well, you are sick…"
That's it. That's the reason. Now go on; get out!
"But seriously, what's wrong with you?" Roy grumbled, throwing his hands on his hips. "Just 'cause your voice is playing up doesn't give you the excuse to not answer me."
"I-I'm just t-tired," Edward stammered angrily, his eyes burning. "Just le-et me sleep."
Roy hesitated at the doorway, his shadow flicking indecisively across the floor. "Are you…?"
Edward let out an uncontainable sob as he finally caved in, surrendering to the pressure that was crushing his soul straight to the cold, unforgiving ground.
"Edward, are you crying?"
The boy sat up, turning to Roy with tears streaming down his cheeks and shouted defiantly, "No! I'm not! Leave me alone!"
Roy, taken aback, blinked astoundedly and dropped his hands by his sides. "H-huh?"
Edward bared his teeth and snarled like a dog, his eyes flashing with pained rage. "Okay, so what if I am?! What'll you do?! Sue me?! Court-martial me, maybe?! Is it going to mark my record, Colonel?! Am I going to be kicked out of the military?! Go on, lecture me! See if I give a damn! I'm allowed to have some emotions, aren't I, bastard?! Or is that forbidden too?!"
Roy blinked again in astonished silence, his mouth hanging open slightly and his eyes clouded with confusion. He'd never seen this side of the boy before; he'd seen him terrified, he'd seen him enraged, he'd seen him depressed, offended and damn near broken, but never so…so…young.
"I have feelings, Mustang!" Edward continued angrily. "Not like you could understand! I can't just turn my heart to steel for you! I can only live through so much without breaking! I'm not a cold-blooded, gun-slinging, war-fighting soldier! I can't just kill someone and walk away!"
He threw back his sheets and jumped to his feet, his entire body shaking with exhaustion, rage and grief. "I can't do that! Not like you can!"
Roy's face gained a more offended, angry hue than the surprise it had held before, his eyes darkened. "What are you, Fullmetal?"
Edward glared, but it faltered a little as confusion crossed his gaze.
"Or can I even call you that? 'Fullmetal' my foot. Your arm and leg might be made of it, but you've got the heart of a toddler. Are you even military, or just a whiny little brat? A 'dog of the military'? What a joke! You're not a dog of the military; you're a little puppy! A puppy toted around on a little silver chain. So grow up already! Are you a man or a little kid?"
"I don't know!" Edward yelled back, stamping his foot as his emotions reached a climax. "I-just-don't-know! I've tried to do it! I really have! I've tried to keep strong, but I failed! I failed! Again and again and again! I failed as a son, I failed as a brother, I failed as a soldier, I failed as an alchemist and I've failed as a human!"
Roy's brow furrowed and he snapped right back, "Oh, go on then! Just cry! Bawl your eyes out, pipsqueak! Just cry, like weak the little kid you are!"
"Shut the hell up, you jackass!" Edward clenched his auto-mail arm tight, and flicked his head back at Roy, his breathing ragged. "Just go! Right into the kitchen and grab your gloves! Then come straight back here and kill me right now! Just kill me, that's what I deserve! That's what you're thinking, isn't it, Colonel?! Then just do it! Kill me!"
Roy's anger evaporated.
"Do it!" screamed Edward, slamming his metal fist against his metal leg to create a loud CLANG! "Do it right now! Just kill me! I won't be a burden to you, Al, or anyone else anymore! DO IT!"
Roy took a deep breath and stepped forward. "I can't do that, Ed. I think you know I can't."
"Well, I'll do it myself then!" Edward decided with an angry laugh, clapping his hands violently and transmuting a blade out of his arm. "I'll do it! I really will!"
Roy's heart missed a beat as he watched Edward raise the blade to his throat, crying with both anger and painful sorrow.
Roy started forward again, raising one hand. "Ed, don't do that—"
"Don't come any closer!" Edward snapped, his eyes flaring.
Roy immediately halted, as if frozen to the spot by some imaginary force.
"I really will do it!" Edward threatened, pressing the blade ever-closer. "I really will! I… I…"
He trailed off, dropping his arms at his sides. "No. I… I can't do that. I could never do that. I'm such a failure… I can't even take my own life. I'm a coward…"
He tapped his hand and it reverted to it's original, less harmful form. Edward dropped to the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees and sobbing. He didn't say anything now, just cried. So quietly.
Roy's legs unfroze from his halted position and he slid onto his knees, weak with relief. He looked up across the room at the boy, who let out a shuddering breath and said hoarsely, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did that… I just… I thought…"
"You thought if you did it then everything would be solved," Roy put in for him. "If you could just erase your presence from the world, if you could escape living through the hell inside and around you, then everything would go back to the way it used to be."
Edward's hollow eyes rose slowly from the floor and he hiccuped, meeting Roy's gaze. "Ye-eah. But it won't, will it? I already knew that. Al'd still be s-stuck in that armour, and then he'd have a dead bother to deal with as well. M-me not being here won't make any-y difference at all…but my precense doesn't change anything either. I can't do anything!"
He thumped his head down onto his knees again, his back shivering. "I-I jus-st c-c-can't…!"
Roy put his weight on his hand and pushed himself to his feet, still feeling completely numb from the waist down. He made his way across the room to sit next to Edward, who just cried in silence.
"I know how you feel," he said softly. "You feel useless, don't you? Completely and utterly useless? Like you've failed at everything? Like you're a monster that doesn't even deserve to be human?"
Edward gave a muffled affirmative.
"Don't. You're not. Just because you haven't achieved your goal yet doesn't mean you never will. You've only been at it about three years. You can't expect to fix everything that fast. And besides, what you just did proves your own humanity. That drive to live you just put down as 'cowardice' is a human thing through and through. And have you ever seen a beast get up and do that? Show all those emotions and be unable to kill themself…because they didn't want to hurt their little brother?"
Roy shuffled a little closer until his side was pressed firmly against Edward's, and he said, "I know I can't expect to understand what you're going through - I mean, you're fourteen and in the military - but try to trust me. Don't give in to your feelings. Listen to them, yes. Let them rule you, no. If you want to live a life like this, logic should overrule emotion. However, that doesn't mean you should try to become a heartless killing machine… Just don't do anything irrational based on some crazy feeling you had. And no, I'm not going to court-martial you for crying. Just look at Major Armstrong. A display of emotion is necessary every once in a while. It's not healthy for you to try and stuff everything inside of yourself - it just won't fit."
Edward raised his head a little and Roy continued, looking out the door. "And don't ever pull anything like that on me again. Or anyone else, for that matter. Tears won't get you a Philosopher's Stone. They haven't ever solved anything, and they aren't the end of your suffering. But they're not necessarily a sign of weakness either. Just try to be strong, like I know you can. Things won't get any better for anyone if you just sit about crying, or worse, kill yourself. Because that's when you've become really useless."
Edward remained quiet, his gaze tracing a path around the floor and back up to Roy's face. "Can I borrow your shoulder?"
"Sure."
Edward leant his head against Roy, the last of his tears trickling down his face. "Tha-anks. But can you do me a favour and not tell Al about this?"
"Alright. So long as you don't ever let a thought like that go through your head again."
"I swear, I wo-on't."
"Good." Roy paused. "I'm sorry I shouted at you. I really am. I went too far that time."
"No," Edward mumbled. "I nee-eded that. I really am a selfish brat. I mean, I actually almost considered leaving Alphonse all alone h-here. I never wanted to do tha-at. I'm sorry I said that stuff about you too."
The two fell silent again.
"I wanna see Al," Edward said quietly. "Can you take me to see him?"
Roy looked at the boy, who met his gaze unflinchingly. He still looked like death walking, but there was a stubborn glint in his eyes and Roy got the feeling that taking Edward to his brother was probably the best idea. He didn't look as ill as he had previously - Roy put that down to the medicine he and Maes had forced him to take. But still…
"Please."
"Okay," Roy said with a sigh, giving in. "Put some respectable clothes on and I'll take you. Let's go."
Alright, that's the middle chapter done! Hope you liked! The next chapter is a feels chapter, probably even more than this one...
But anyway, I hope you'll grant me the honour of a nice review, they're always appreciated! (By appreciated I mean loved to bits and make me so happy I get sucked into a massive bubble of good mood and joy and rainbows and flower power and hippies, etc.)
So, I've run out of things to say. All that's left is to submit the chapter and hope you like it!
Zakuro AWAAAAAAAAAAAAY! *flies away on rainbow dyed red, white and blue for Australia day*
