This is a pitiful attempt to be funny…but that's okay. My sister and I tried. Oh, and in answer to my – our? – Reviewer, Mooncloud…

Mooncloud: I'm still working on Burning Roses, Silver Thorns. Don't worry! And this isn't exactly a time-consuming fanfic. It's just something more lighthearted and cheerful from Burning Roses, Silver Thorns. Though…admittedly…three cats die in this chapter…and it shows how sick my humor is…but that's okay! YAY!

First chapter - yes, it was supposed to be written slightly seriously...

Enjoy,


A young tortoiseshell queen poked her muzzle through the thorn bush that loomed outside of the nursery. Her pale emerald eyes flashed across the camp, her pelt tingling with annoyance when she realized that Deadpelt, the ever-alert guard had yet to leave his post. She decided she would have to go around him – she had to escape the horrid camp that she had been trapped in for moons now, as she awaited for Runningnose to viciously rip a warrior out of her stomach.

Wanderingqueen kept her stomach close to the ground and stepped lightly, trying to avoid the redded pulp that was Deadpelt. She stiffened, when one of her clumsy paws snapped a cleverly-placed twig that made such a racket, she could've sworn that every cat all the way to Fourtrees had heard the racket.

She glanced nervously at Deadpelt, and waited for him to flash his pearly-white gaze towards her. She was relieved to see that Deadpelt was staring vacantly at the fresh-kill pile, with the silver moonlight dancing across his pelt.

She sighed with relief, and began to slowly creep across the camp, her heart thudding in her chest at the prospect of escaping ShadowClan, and all the cats who wished to rip warriors out of her stomach!

"Wanderingqueen!"

She cringed, and she heard pawsteps coming up from behind her. Her heart lurched. She had been spotted. She glanced furiously over her shoulder, to see the light-brown tabby that was Tallpoppy rushing towards her.

"Great StarClan, Wanderingqueen, are you out of your mind?" Tallpoppy gasped, stumbling to a stop just a mouse-length away from Wanderingqueen's muzzle. "You're going to give birth any day now! You can't leave camp now!"

Wanderingqueen glared furiously at Tallpoppy, and opened her mouth to argue, but before she had the chance, the other queen stumbled to the earth as a yellow blur knocked into her.

"Quackpelt!" Tallpoppy swore. "Get off of me!"

Wanderingqueen looked gratefully at Quackpelt, as the yellow she-cat snorted at Tallpoppy's plea. "Don't stop Wanderingqueen, Tallpoppy!" Quackpelt shook her head violently. "She has to get out while she still can! Raise her kits in another Clan! She still has a chance…unlike some of us. Her kits can have a good life, away from Nightstar's tyranny!"

"What are you talking about?!" Tallpoppy cried. "Nightstar hasn't done anything…Besides, she just likes wandering around! If she goes now, she'll put her kits in danger!"

While the two queens argued, Wanderingqueen began to rush towards the brambles that hid the camp, and braced herself to run straight through the thorny barrier to freedom.

"Deadpelt!" Tallpoppy's voice rang in the air. "Go after her! She can't leave now! She'll put her kits in danger!"

Wanderingqueen foolishly slowed down, and glanced worriedly over at Deadpelt. But the large red-mass just laid there, his eyes still firmly on the fresh-kill pile – not even blinking as one of the many flies that eternally stalked him rested themselves on his eye.

"Oh, Deadpelt, you're so slow!" Tallpoppy snorted. "You must be easy to defeat in battle…I wonder why no cat ever fights you…"

Wanderingqueen didn't hear the rest, and burst through the bramble thicket, her paws tingling with joy. She had found freedom.

Her ears pricked, as she heard thudding paws behind her. Had Tallpoppy escaped from heroic Quackpelt's grasp? Not wanting to wait to find out, Wanderingqueen sped forward.

Wanderingqueen stumbled to a halt at the side of the Thunderpath, out of breath. Whoever was following her, they were determined to keep up with her until the end of time.

The tortoiseshell queen decided firmly that she had to face this threat head on, and turned to face her opponent. Her face wrinkled with disgust, as she looked at the horrifying figure that had stalked her since she had left the ShadowClan camp.

The cat was the ugliest one she had ever seen in her entire life. Its cinder-colored fur was matted and filled with more burrs than mice Wanderingqueen had eaten in her short lifetime, with one emerald eye with a gigantic pupil along with one brown eye with a tiny pupil, its tail, which it tried to wrap around its paws, was broken and gnarled – as was one of the gray cat's front paws. His right ear was shredded to virtual non-existence, and saying that he smelled like crowfood would be a compliment.

She recognized him instantly. "Elderkit!" she spat the name scornfully, as she stared at the crazed elder that had followed her all the way from camp.

Elderkit looked shamefully down at his twisted paws at her furious cry, and then meowed as cutely as he probably could, "Don't leave me alone, Mommy. I got scared at camp…"

"I'm not your mother!" Wanderingqueen cried truthfully. She looked her Clanmate over, from the one ear to the gnarled paws. "In fact, you're twice my size! Now go back to camp, Elderkit, for I never am! Runningnose is sadistic! He wants to rip warriors out of my stomach!" she shook her head violently. "I don't have warriors in my stomach! Only kits!"

Elderkit stared blankly at her for a moment, before he started to jump up and down excitedly. "I'm going to be a big brother! A big brother! Maybe I'll get to train 'em when I become a warrior!"

"You've already been a warrior, you piece of…" Wanderingqueen's voice broke off, as she felt a vibrating pain surging through her. "Pain!" she cried, rolling onto her back.

Elderkit's eyes rounded with hurt. "How could you call a cute little scrap of fur like me, Pain?" he twitched his broken tail sadly. "I've been a good kit…a nice tom kit…"

Wanderingqueen started to writhe in agony, and knew instantly that the kits were coming. She glared furiously at Elderkit. "…Elderkit, go…go…go to ThunderClan and get help! They would help me give birth to kits – they wouldn't try to take warriors out of here!" she jerked her head to her upturned belly.

Elderkit nodded vigorously, and kneaded the ground with his paws. "Yes, Mommy!" he squeaked. "I'll get that mean 'ol Bluestar to send their medimedimedicine cat…"

Then Elderkit made a fatal mistake, and Wanderingqueen flinched – with both pain and pity- as she realized the Clan elder hadn't looked both ways before crossing the Thunderpath!

Almost out of nowhere, a scarlet monster zoomed just a whisker's distance away from one of the elder's padding paws.

Elderkit paused, and looked at Wanderingqueen in horror. "That was close." He squeaked, trying to mock a kit. "I'll have to be more care-"

Elderkit's mew was broken off; as yet another monster zoomed down the Thunderpath, and padded right over his head.

Wanderingqueen cringed as the scarlet flecks of blood flew towards her muzzle. She almost felt a twinge of pity for Elderkit, but it was for the best… Maybe not the best time for her though.

Her face contorted in pain, and she let out an ear-shattering wail as the kits started to dig their way out of her.

After an agonizing…period of time?... Wanderingqueen was able to stare proudly down at the kits she had just brought into the forest. She nodded. Runningnose had been wrong when he had said Wanderingqueen; you're going to give birth to some powerful ShadowClan warriors! They were kits! Three, beautiful kits.

She blinked with curiosity, as she noticed that only one, the tom, was suckling. The other two, the she-cats, were just lying there, and did not instinctively come towards her milky-belly.

"They remind me of Deadpelt." Wanderingqueen chuckled to herself. "I bet they'd get along with him well…" Now that she had given birth to her kits, she could return to the ShadowClan camp, and rest…and tell Runningnose that he had been wrong: She had given birth to kits!

Now…what to name them…

She gazed down at her first-born son. Her emerald eyes sparkled with glee, and the mother did not notice how hideous her son was. Similar to Elderkit, her son had patchy gray fur…a tail that looked like a broken branch, a shredded ear, gnarled front paws, and, though it had just been brought into the world, it smelled worse than crowfood.

"My beautiful son," she sighed. "You're my eldest kit, so I shall name you Eldestkit." She didn't notice how similar the name was to 'Elderkit', but nobody would ever confuse the two. Elderkit was dead, for one thing, and Eldestkit was a handsome tom who would grow up to have even the queens with mates in other Clans looking at him longingly!

She ignored her two daughters. If they weren't going to come to eat, they didn't get names…