A/N: I gave my word I would show up, and here I am, no more waiting for Godot. I've got a freshly brewed pot, and my ready answers in hand, just in time for my first face-to-face meeting with Trite in the anime today.
Chapter One: The Arrival
a1tam0nt submitted:
What is your opinion on dark chocolate? Just as bitter as coffee/your soul, or more effort required?
Dear a1tam0nt,
I only eat chocolate that's at least 99% - therefore it's as dark as my soul. It's like coffee. It must be pure – or as close to it as possible. Sometimes, if I can find it, I go for the 100% variety as well. A better question would have been what I think of milk chocolate? To which the response would have been: that atrocity is not chocolate. It is hardened milk … it disgusts me.
Mr. Coffee
JordanPhoenix submitted:
Estimado Señor Java,
What are your thoughts about certain fans who don't acknowledge that you and Mia were actually a (canon) couple prior to her untimely passing, and think that your ardor was entirely one-sided on your part?
Dear JP,
I think what you're really asking is what can I say about people who are completely delusional. I think they're choosing to ignore what's right in front of their eyes, and are living in their own fantasy world. So be it. My arch red-headed nemesis and my former employer were openly aware of my relationship with Mia, as is everyone on lives on planet earth.
As for that word that keeps getting used, I think the better use of "cannon" is to fire them out of it, (away from all the people who know my kitten and I were the sexiest couple in all of Japalifonia) because as you know, mi amiga: bitches love cannons.
Mr. Coffee
Muhammad S submitted:
Here's a question. How have you not died of caffeine overdose? Is it some kind of family secret, like how Maya can eat so much and be as lean as she is?
Dear Muhammad S,
As you know, I drink 17 regular-sized cups per trial. That is roughly 100 mg of caffeine per cup which equals about 1700 mg. It would take roughly 120 cups of coffee to put any regular into mortal danger. Keeping in mind of course, that I am the first person to have ever survived the demon's specially brewed poison, and crawled back from the depths of hell, I like to think I am no mere mortal. The bigger mysteries are: where do I put it all and where does my own "magic pot of porridge" come from? For now, let's chalk it up under the umbrella of "family secrets" that includes how my almost sister-in-law isn't the size of a house, despite having an obsession for burgers which rivals my own for java.
Mr. Coffee
IPreferTea submitted:
Which VA would you want to see playing you in the English dub version of the AA anime?
Dear IPreferTea,
I think we all know that there is only one man alive who could encapsulate the trademarked suave I pride myself on and do my voice justice. However, I think it's highly unlikely they could afford Antonio Banderas.
Mr. Coffee
P.S.
Your name is blasphemy.
JusticeforNoOne submitted:
Buenas noches, Sr Armando:
2 questions come to my mind right now and since you are the philosopher here
1) What piece of advice would give to the rest of the main cast of attorneys and prosecutors of the series regarding awesomeness, working on both sides of the courtroom and being the living proof of how love surpasses death?
2) We know which one was your favorite coffee ever, but what about the worst ones you had to drink?
Saludos cordiales,
Justicefornoone
Hola JusticeforNoOne,
First of all, here are my words for the defense attorneys and prosecutors that could benefit from my wisdom (a twist on the late, great, Winston Churchill):
"Even if you're going through hell, keep going. No matter what gets in your way – a demon poisoning you, ending up in coma, nearly going blind, and then finding out your beloved is dead – you do not stop. Ever. Your goals may change, but that doesn't matter, any more than it matters how slow your progress is… as long as you DO NOT STOP FIGHTING."
Of course, being extradited from hell is a tedious affair. Even I didn't wake up in a single day, after all.
Second of all … as we are in the height of autumn season, where everything from soap to bacon is the flavor of Cucurbita pepo, ad nauseam, your question is very well-timed. Years ago, on my jaunt through the Americas, searching for my perfect brew, I stopped in a one horse town at the only coffee shop available. Turns out the only thing they had was that blasphemous orange vegetable. That's right – pumpkin spice. I took one sip and threw it right out the window. How dare they sully the pure perfection of my beloved brew in such a manner!
That was the longest time in my existence that I went without my ever-present cup of Joe.
Longest 30 minutes of my life.
Buenas noches,
Mr. Coffee
A/N: Thank you all for your questions. I hope you found the answers you were seeking.. I look forward to chatting with you over my next pot.
