Chapter 2: Honesty is honestly the hardest thing for me right now

"Did he physically hurt you?"

God! This is the very last thing you need right now! If only you'd managed to ask Mr. Schue to just give you a minute; tell him that it was nothing, really; that you didn't want to go to Principal Sue. If only he had seen the important part, not just the aftermath.

What are you supposed to say to her? Karofsky kissed me, he touched me. God, even thinking of saying that turns your stomach! He... he wants me. Or he wants to kill me, I can't really tell. Maybe both. We haven't fully discussed it.

This whole situation is beyond humiliating. It's degrading and demeaning and … unbelievable. Even you can't believe it. Sexual harassment is something that happens to girls, for Christ's sake! And regardless of how high you sing or the stuff you like to do, you are a guy and this shit is not supposed to happen to guys.

Assuming they did believe you're telling the truth (and you're pretty sure Mr. Schue would, at least), would that make the situation any better than what you have now? In your head, you hear a game show announcer's deep, booming voice say, Kurt Hummel, in exchange for your honesty, you've just won the label Victim! And not just any victim, but a Gay! Sex! Victim! Now you get to do the McKinley Walk of Shame every single day for the next two years! And, as an added bonus, we'll throw in the eternal, unendurable pity of your closest friends! No, no fucking way. 'Victim' is a role you swore you'd never play, not about this, because you're not going to let Karofsky or any of those other bastards tear you down. You're better and stronger than all of them.

So it's decided. You are not telling Mr. Schue and Principal Sue about the sexual harassment, and you're certainly not going to say, "He poked me and looked at me funny and stole my toy," as if you were a whiny six-year old. You let out a frustrated sigh and say the only thing you can:

"N-no." Unfortunately, you're still struggling to regain your composure, so your voice is a little shaky.

Mr. Schue mentions the times Karofsky shoved you into lockers, but even before Principal Sue answers, you know none of that counts for anything. It's never mattered before. And sure enough, she tells you the shoving isn't enough to get Karofsky suspended.

Maybe you're wrong to keep silent about everything. Karofsky is obviously unstable and (and this is so repulsive to admit) obsessed with you. And he's getting worse, getting bolder, not caring who sees or hears. Like you knowing his secret has caused him to snap. Winks in the cafeteria, death threats in the hall, touching you in public like that just now. Where's it all leading? To him raping you and bashing your head in on the school steps during fourth period?

At the very least, they need to understand that Karofsky is genuinely dangerous. "He didn't shove me this time. He just ...terrified me." You didn't mean that to sound so lame and melodramatic, but it's proving really, really hard to shake off what just happened in the hall.

Not surprisingly, Principal Sue says intimidation isn't enough to warrant a suspension, either. "Lady," she starts in her most condescending voice, and proceeds to tell you that high school is rough. You glance over at Mr. Schue, silently thanking him so much for bringing you to the Principal so she can inform you sagaciously that (spoiler alert!) "people can be mean." Neither of them gets how the students somehow think you being openly gay gives them permission to ratchet up that meanness, like, ten dozen times. Even some of the Glee kids (cue Santana "I'm bi, but still get to make fag jokes" Lopez).

You don't bother listening to the rest of the Principal's speech. What's the point? It's clear you're still going to have to deal with the Karofsky situation on your own once this meeting is over.

You rest your hand on your cheek and mentally take a break from the here and now. Maybe you'll stay home from school tomorrow. Give yourself a facial and a pedicure (you haven't done one of those in a while), watch Season 6 of Grey's Anatomy and – Damn! You can't stay home tomorrow, because you offered to give Dad dance lessons for the wedding. Okay, you insisted, but it's for his own good. And the psychological well-being of anyone who has to watch him. And you really should help Finn with that, too, because even though he's been kind of a jerk these past few weeks, he's not a bad guy and he is going to be your step-brother. This so sucks! Between planning your fabulous russet and cognac cérémonie de mariage and meeting a guy who's gay and gorgeous and available, this should be the happiest time of your life. And it would be, if not for that sicko, psycho closet clown.

You realize Principal Sue is pointing her glasses at you. She just said something about how being bullied made her stronger. But this isn't about inner strength, not anymore. When you open your mouth again, you're not actually talking to either of them. You're just venting and they happen to be in the room.

"It's the fear that's the worst. I never know when it's coming, I can't concentrate. I don't feel like I'm part of this school at all. I feel like I'm in a horror movie, where this creature follows me around, terrifying me, and there's nothing I can do about it? I mean you... you don't know what's going on in this kid's head. You don't know what he's capable of."

You immediately regret letting that last part slip out as you see Principal Sue and Mr. Schue exchange questioning glances. You look away, trying to figure out how you can backpedal convincingly.

Mr. Schuester stands and turns so he can see your face. He leans towards you slightly, looking worried. "What does that mean?"

You've already decided you're not outing Karofsky. Despite fantasizing about threatening him with that, outing people against their will is like the most despicable thing someone can do. And for another gay person to do it...! No, you are going to preserve your integrity through this. And even though he's making your life hell, you just can't hurt someone that way, not even Karofsky. The guy is clearly so messed up already.

Should you tell them about the death threat? Even Blaine doesn't know about that (you don't want him to see you as a victim, either). But those are just more words. Worse, it would be he-said/he-said, since of course Karofsky will deny everything. God, how you wish he had just hauled off and hit you in that locker room! A nice black eye, or swollen jaw, or split lip – something macho that the school couldn't ignore, something everyone would see and understand without needing to pry further.

No, telling won't do any good. You can handle this by yourself. You will handle this. Somehow, Kurt, you will handle this.

So you try dismissing what you just said. "Nothing. Maybe I'm overreacting."

You know that if it were just Mr. Schue here, he'd let the matter drop. He's never been comfortable talking with you about... anything, really. You don't think that's because of your sexuality. It's just that the two of you lack rapport. And maybe he feels guilty about not giving you more solos.

But Principal Sue is a lot more perceptive, and now it seems she's decided you wouldn't be talking this way if the situation weren't serious, because she sounds sincere and concerned, and maybe even a little apologetic when she says, "Lady, this kid lays a finger on you, you come straight to me and I will expel him faster than a Thai takeout place can read back your delivery order. Okay? But until that happens – and I'm genuinely sorry to say this – there's nothing legally I and the school board can do."

It scares you, this change in her tone, because you've been around Coach – now Principal – Sue Sylvester often enough to recognize her real voice. So you know that, unlike when she was spouting platitudes about how suffering builds character, she absolutely meant what she said just now – she would help you if she could, but she can't, and she's afraid for you. Which makes you feel even more vulnerable. You realize that this meeting that you wanted to be over is coming to an end and you don't want to go back out there. It's the fear that's the worst. For some reason, you look at Mr. Schue, willing him to reassure you that he's got your back, at least in the halls, because he's your teacher and purports to be your friend. But he just tells you it's time to go to Glee practice. You're only disappointed in yourself, for expecting anything more from him.

No, Principal Sue is your only hope as far as the adults at this school go. As you head to the door, you think maybe you should show her that you are worthy of her protection, demonstrate that you are strong and fighting back, that you refuse to become the passive victim you (and she) despise. And there is something else that's been bothering you lately.

You turn back to her and say in a firm (although still frustratingly feminine) voice, "You know, when you call me 'Lady', that's bullying. And it's really hurtful."

She looks genuinely surprised, which doesn't surprise you. Sue Sylvester hurls insults the same way she breathes air - automatically. "I'm sorry, I thought that was your name. As an apology, I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain, and Tickle Me Dough-Face."

You have no idea what a 'gelfling' is, but it sounds like 'gelding', which is definitely the worst possible nickname you could have. There are already enough people who probably think 'countertenor' means 'castrato' (although you're sure said people wouldn't be able to spell either one correctly to save their lives). Tickle Me Dough-Face would just get shortened to Dough-Face. Bad for self-esteem. So...

"I guess I'll go with Porcelain." Marginally better than Lady, you suppose.

"Damn!" she says. "Totally wanted Tickle Me Dough-Face."

Yeah? Amazing how often people let us down, isn't it?


Author's Note: As with the previous chapter, all dialogue is taken from the episode 'Furt'. Apologies to all the Will Schuester fans out there, but I call 'em like I see 'em. FYI, 'gelflings' are the elf/hobbit-like creatures from the 1982 fantasy film The Dark Crystal, by Jim Henson and Frank Oz of Muppet fame. But I think it's highly unlikely Kurt would know that. Reviews are still what make my little heart sing. Next up, Burt Hummel. Best. TV. Dad. Ever!