A/N: Phew, this wasn't going to be a long chapter, but somehow I lost control and well…1965 words later I managed to get it back.
Big thank you to:
Boogle: I had a lovely time on my hols, hoped you enjoyed yours
Reddwarfaddict: I've got the American Idiot and International Superhits album, both are fantastic. Thanks for filling me in on Corrie, I go away for 2 weeks and Lloyd gets a story line (grumbles)! Kill the bitch!
Caz-flibs: Who doesn't air guitar in their room, I go one step further and air guitar in public. I've got to say, I'm insanely jealous that you're going to Florida. I've yet to visit the ol' US of A…
Jumana: Glad you liked the chapter :D
Zombie Kitty: I've got some good ideas for Cat and i'm sure I can think some more up. I salute you for making it your mission to get more Cat fan fictions onto this site (salutes), don't worry Cat and Kryten won't get forgotten about!
To those who read and don't review, hello and thanks for taking the time to read my bizarre ramblings. If you could review I'd be ever so happy….please
Okay, here we go, chapter 2!
Peace out and review!
Sunny
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The skeleton of the crashed derelict 'The New Renascence' looked strangely out of place against the almost idyllic backdrop of the planetoid. It's steely grey exterior clashed horridly with the lush green vegetation.
A deep groove that had tore through the undergrowth stretched back for nearly a mile behind the craft, it served as a constant reminder as how it came to be there in the first place. It was evident it had crashed nose first into the surface of the planetoid before eventually skidding to a clumsy, haphazard stop.
Starbug landed with the smallest of jolts some twenty or thirty meters away. The sea of grass rippled from the blast of the lower retros as the roar of the engines gradually descended to a low hum before shutting off completely.
Inside, Toni was stood by the airlock with Lister and Rimmer, trying to ignore the dead weight of worry that had settled in the pit of her stomach.
Something didn't feel quite right.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" she asked, hoping the answer would be yes.
"Nah" said Lister "you stay here, we'll be fine."
Both Toni and Rimmer weren't exactly thrilled with his answer.
"What about the Cat?" persisted Toni, trying not to sound too anxious "He'd be able to smell danger – very useful…"
"We asked if he wanted to tag along…but he said he had more productive things to do with his time," said Rimmer, frowning slightly.
"Meaning?" asked Toni, wondering what Cat would deem as 'productive'. No doubt something preening related.
"Waxin' his legs" replied Lister with a grin,
"Oh" said Toni before adding sarcastically "Yes, I see the dire need for that!" she sighed and ran her hands through her silver hair "Be careful…"
"Don't worry" reassured Lister, taking hold of her hand "It's an empty derelict, we're just gonna have a look around and see if there's anything we can take" he smiled "I'll be back before you know it!"
"That's a hint to start warming the bed up" remarked Rimmer, sensing yet another Lister-and-Toni-getting-oh-so-intimate moment was about to occur
"Smeg off!" retorted Lister, after a short pause he turned back to Toni "could you though? Those sheets are like ice…it's a real passion killer!"
Rimmer rolled his eyes "Lister, you could have just sat through a six hour seminar entitled 'one million and one reasons why sex is bad for you' complete with horrifically graphic pictures and you'd still be up for a quickie. If there's anything to be said about your passion it's that it's bloody invincible…. Nothing will kill it!"
"You come pretty damn close to succeeding though, Rimmer" smirked Lister making the hologram scowl.
"You know," said Toni thoughtfully "I read somewhere that being cold gives you a better orgasm…"
Lister laughed, "Like you need any help with that!"
Rimmer grimaced "can we stop this conversation now please…before I'm forced to invent an ingenious way of chewing my own ears off!" he shook his head in disgust, trying to erase what had just been said from his memory "What on Io made you think I wanted to know that? It's revolting!"
"You're just jealous," teased Lister before giving Toni a quick kiss goodbye
"Jealous?" snorted Rimmer "Now why would I be-" he trailed off; Lister was humming something, smiling at him in a way that meant he was taking the smeg.
The hologram strained to hear what he was humming.
Like a virgin.
Lister was humming the song 'Like a virgin'.
"Very funny" sneered the hologram "lets just get this over and done with shall we?" he said striding down Starbug's steps,
"That was cruel!" Said Toni although she had to admit, it was rather funny.
"He'll get over it" dismissed Lister, "see you in a bit"
"Be careful" Toni shouted after him, but her cry went unheard as Lister had chosen to break into a rousing chorus of 'Like a virgin' much to Rimmer's annoyance.
"Like a virgin" sang Lister, hopping down the last step,
"Shut up!" snapped Rimmer, turning round so Lister could benefit from one of his more threatening glares.
"Touched for the very first time!"
"I'm warning you now, Lister…one more word and I'll-" he stopped and blinked. Lister was holding a bazookoid. "What's that for?" asked Rimmer, gesturing to the mining laser "it's an empty derelict…"
Lister lowered his eyes guiltily "not quite" he muttered before adding hesitantly "there's a life sign…" He braced himself for an onslaught of abuse from the hologram but instead Rimmer spun on his heels and marched back towards the 'Bug.
"Where you goin'?" asked Lister, grabbing his arm to stop him going back up the steps.
"We're taking Toni with us" said Rimmer forcefully
"What? No!" yelled Lister, blocking his way "We can handle it…whatever it is!"
"Oh really" mocked Rimmer "and what if it's a 10 foot tall flesh eating, brain slurping, bone crunching armour plated, hideously mutated, super strong, extra fast psychotic space monster with all the compassion and composure of a hung over John McEnroe?"
Lister opened his mouth but for a few seconds he was speechless, trying desperately to decide what they would actually do if they met a 10 foot tall flash eating, brain slurping, bone crunching armour plated, hideously mutated, super strong, extra fast psychotic space monster with all the compassion and composure of a hung over John McEnroe.
Rimmer stared at him, awaiting his answer, although it would probably be an excuse.
"I hadn't thought of that," said Lister feebly,
"Evidently" snarled Rimmer "Now d'you see why I want Toni to come with us! We stand a better chance of surviving if she comes along…"
"And you're practically doomed to death if it's just me" frowned Lister "cheers man, great ego boost!"
"I wouldn't go as far as to say 'doomed to death'" said Rimmer, trying to salvage the situation, the last thing he needed at this moment in time was Lister in a sulk "More like constantly in mortal peril!"
This didn't have the desired effect. Lister pulled a face and clenched the fist of his free hand "what can Toni do that I can't?" he demanded.
"Oh I dunno…everything" said Rimmer "look don't take this personally but I think you should stop trying to out-macho her"
"You what?" replied Lister, forcing a laugh.
"I don't think you know you're doing it…. it's little things: pretending you're braver than you are, brushing up on your male bravado, going with the 'caveman' instinct…" Rimmer stopped as he noted Lister had a face like thunder. The hologram hadn't seen him this angry in a long time. "I said don't take it personally!" he added hastily
"Well I am, Rimmer," snapped Lister "I am taking it very personally!" he paused and sighed. The look of anger was replaced by that of sadness and perhaps a little embarrassment, as if he knew he'd been caught out, "she does out-macho me, doesn't she…"
"Yep" nodded Rimmer "but, if it's any consolation, she out-machos all of us: you, me, Cat, Kryten…"
But Lister wasn't listening. For some time now he'd tried ignoring how he always was competing with Toni. If she suggested they go and have a look at an obviously dangerous planetoid, he'd back her up.
It was always Toni who insisted they fight whatever wanted to kill them (there'd been a lot lately) rather then running away. Personally, Lister always thought running away was a very sane and sensible idea but he would always side with Toni.
He had no idea why he did it, it never proved anything and it didn't get him any extra respect. If anything, it earned him less respect as Rimmer, Cat and Kryten all thought he was too much in love to think straight.
"Look" said Rimmer, trying to regain Lister's attention "she probably can't help it, she's been created that way. Female war G.E.L.F's aren't generally made to be 'feminine', they made to be tough, fearless, and strong…. not worrying about breaking a nail or comparing outfits. Being girly never won wars, Lister"
"What about the Romans?" asked Lister "they wore skirts, can't get any more girly then that can you?"
"First of all" said Rimmer, "they were not skirts, they were tunics and secondly the point I'm trying to make here is that no matter how much you want Toni to act like a 'real woman', it's never going to happen. It's in her nature not to act like a lady and the harsh truth is…she wears the trousers in your relationship!"
"No she doesn't!" argued Lister, thoroughly smegged off with this conversation "we've got a new age relationship, we're both equal, none of this 'taking control' smeg!"
"If you're so 'equal' answer me this…. why d'you do everything Toni tells you to?"
"Because…because…well, she'd get angry and upset otherwise!"
"Fair enough…but if you're 'equal', no 'battle of sexes' going on…why does she hardly every do anything you tell her to?" asked Rimmer, a slight smile on his face
"I don't have to answer that," said Lister, glaring at the hologram angrily
"Just answer me-"
Lister rolled his eyes, "because…. she's…. she's free spirited, likes doing her own thing, doesn't like being told what to do!"
Too late, Lister realised he'd walked right into Rimmer's trap.
"Exactly!" exclaimed Rimmer, snapping his fingers "people like her don't follow orders, they give them and you" he sing-songed "me laddo, are well and truly under the thumb and you sure as hell aren't going to come out from under it!"
It was then that Lister snapped. He said the one thing that he knew would really wind Rimmer up, annoy him to no end.
"At least I've got a girlfriend…. who've you got, hey? No-one!"
Not even a millisecond after the words had leapt out of his mouth, did Lister regret saying them. He'd not only over stepped the line, but tore it into tiny pieces, set fire to the aforementioned pieces and flushed the ashes down the toilet waving them off with the two fingered salute.
It was as if someone had flicked a switch. Rimmer's face went slack and failed miserably to show any kind of distinguishable expression or emotion. He just looked blank, like the lights were on but no one was home.
Guilt crept through Lister like a dark shadow sneaking down an alley. It flashed him a grin, as if pleased by the hurtful, total insensitive comment. "I'm sorry" mumbled Lister, squirming under Rimmer's vacant gaze, "I shouldn't have said that…I…. I wasn't thinkin'"
Finally coming to his senses, Rimmer's face hardened into it's usual cold expression, that screamed 'I can cope with anything this life can throw at me' but in actual fact covered a lifetime of pain, anguish and loneliness.
Rimmer barged past Lister, taking due care to shoot him a venomous look as he made his way towards the derelict.
"Rimmer, where you goin'?" Lister yelled after him "I thought we were takin' Toni with us…"
"Why bother!" the hologram shouted back, not even breaking his stride "after all Lister, as you so helpfully pointed out 'I've got no-one' so I won't be missed if I die some horridly tragic death and I won't have to worry about causing anyone grief because no-one will miss me!"
Lister watched as Rimmer drew closer and closer to the derelict. The guilt still hadn't gone away yet and he had a feeling this wasn't going to be one of those arguments that was quickly forgotten.
What he'd said would no doubt remain in Rimmer's memory for a long, long time and would most likely be dragged up again in arguments yet to come.
The only option was to apologise. Not easy.
"Rimmer!" yelled Lister, racing after him "wait up!"
I don't own the song 'Like a virgin'….I couldn't put this disclaimer at the top cos it might have given the joke away…bye again.
