Reaching the bench at the folly, Tilly sank gratefully onto it just before her legs gave way. Her whole body felt like it was made of Jelly, her heart beating so hard it was painful in her chest.
She'd lost her cool. Not completely, but she'd lost it. Slapping Jen certainly hadn't been part of her plan. Even in her jumbled thoughts, she knew why she'd done it. Anger wasn't an emotion she felt often, it wasn't in her nature. So as it surged through her, she hadn't known how to handle it. When Jen had walked towards her, she instinctively reacted, not wanting Jen to touch her. The words jen had spoken before the slap swam through Tillys mind.
"No, Tilly, let me explain..."
Explain? How the hell did she expect to explain away ruining Tillys future? Inspite of herself, Tilly chuckled slightly at the notion of it. Had Jen become completely deluded? Hurting her time and time again, blowing hot and cold... That, you could explain. But this? Literally ruining someones life, taking away everything they had ever worked for. Just to save yourself. Again, Tilly marvelled at just how much Jen had changed since she'd met her. The woman she'd spent a blissful, secretive summer with could never have done something like this. Yes, she messed her about. Creating rules that Tilly had to abide by, but could be broken whenever Jen wanted more. But she was still the person that Tilly had fallen for that day at Crosby beach. There was noway that that Jen would have walked away from Esther that night or sacraficed someone she 'loved' for the sake of her own career. Or had Tilly been so caught up in their romance, that she'd overlooked this side of Jen? They say love is blind... But no.
As Tilly sat there, she toyed with idea that it was her fault. Jen had worked so hard to become a teacher. She came to life in the classroom, her face physically lighting up at her students work, glowing with the knowledge that her teaching had helped to produce some truely brilliant pieces of art. Pushing Tilly away was the right thing to do. What if she'd just accepted it there and then last June? Stopped pushing for more, stopped trying to claw her way back into Jens life. If they'd gone their seperate ways when Jen wanted, she wouldn't have had the pressure. Telling lies, risking everything everytime they so much as exchanged a text. How hard it must have been for Jen, mixed up in emotions and morals.
But, hold on. Here I go again!. Making excuses for her. I've just watched my childhood dreams go up in flames, because of her, yet I'm still trying to justify what she's done?!
What about how hard it was for Tilly? All those months, of keeping secrets from everyone. She'd fallen in love for the first time, but she couldn't talk to anyone. Everytime they argued, everytime Jen pushed her away, she'd had noone to turn to. All in one summer, she'd had both the worst and best moments of her life, yet she'd always had to carry on like nothing was happening. Like her heart wasn't trying to burst out of her heart, like the butterflies that seemed to have taken up permanent residency in her stomach weren't really there. This last year had been a nightmare. Loving, and then losing Jen. Losing Maddie, Neil and Jonno. The stress of A levels. And Esther. The bullying that Tilly knew she could have helped to prevent. The way she'd used Esther just before she'd tried to take her own life. Knowing she was going through such a hard time, but taken in once again by Jen.
Jen. Jen, Jen, fucking Jen. This had to stop. Now. No more pining. No more craving the smell of her perfume. No more needing the feel of her strong arms embracing her. It would end today.
What a wonder, Tilly thought to herself as she stood up, that you could still love someone so deeply, even when you wanted nothing more than to hate them.
