Author's Note: Thank you very much for the alerts and reviews on the last chapter! Here's the latest installment in this little piece of foolishness... Next chapter will be up on Friday or Saturday. xxL-chan


Baby

by L-chan, Tclc and Zeta Sigma


Chapter 1

Speechless


"…" Bella was speechless. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before finally managing to croak "So?"

"You have to go to a MEETING! There could be vampires! Volturi! You could get HURT!"

Bella had nothing to say.

"This Dr Jenkins guy could be a… a… zombie!"

"There are actually zombies?"

"…There are in Zombieland."

"Edward, I told you stop watching horror movies. They give you nightmares."

"I don't sleep."

"Screaming 'They're coming for me!', hiding under the pillow, and refusing sex counts as a nightmare, darling," she said patiently.

(Inner Bella cackles evilly at the memory and contemplates whether or not to show him Paranormal Activity next… doesn't the man die in that one? Yes, yes he does.)

"That is not the point! IT IS NOT SAFE!" Edward screamed over-protectively.

"Well, why don't you come with me then? You're obviously better able to protect me, since you're a man and all," Bella continued.

Edward missed the sarcasm completely.

"A WONDERFUL IDEA! I will come with you, and protect the flower of our love! You!"

Bella blinked. Slowly. Twice.

There was a long silence.

"…Alright then."

At Dr Jenkins

Edward stared at the nervous-looking man in a suit.

"Explain," he snarled, sounding mildly like an actual bloodthirsty vampire instead of a sparkly wimpy imitation from an author's daydream.

"Well, she's got to be… deported."

DUNDUNDUN! *insert dramatic music* DUNDUNDUN!

"This cannot happen!" Edward screamed, looking less like a frightening vampire and more like a boy who's just been told he's going to lose his favourite toy. "I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"

There was an evil laugh.

Everybody except Edward laughed at the pathetic attempt at an Evil Laugh.

He continued in that vein for some time, his sadly whiny soliloquy about endless love and how he would allow nothing to come between him and his flower of youth dragging on, finally concluding with "…and do you have any idea how much time it took to find a woman willing to sleep with me despite the whole sparkly vegetarian wimpy imitation vampire thing? I'd rather she not disappear now that I'm finally getting laid!"

Everyone sweat-dropped.

"Edward, dear," Bella said, not looking at all offended. "It's no problem, you see I'm…"

Just then a giant turnip fell on Edward.

It weighed over five hundred pounds, so it was extremely lucky that Edward was apparently invulnerable, being the main character's true love, after all. Still, it took several hours to dig him out.

"What were saying?" he asked as he brushed off his clothing- it took a lot of effort to look like you just got out of bed, and his little 'escapade' had completely ruined his 'I will so UGLY everyone will think I'm HOT' look.

"I said… I'm pregnant!"

Edward had been busy looking at pretty birds out the window, and was startled by the loud exclamation mark.

"What was that, youthful flower?"

Inner Bella was fed up. She pushed aside her wimpy version and took control of the body.

She pinned her husband up against the wall, a very dangerous look in her eye.

"I said, darling-" the word was spat furiously. "That I am pregnant, and you-" here she poked him (hard) in the chest- "Are going to be very, very happy about it."

The revived Cedric Diggory who had apparently become an undead sparkly vegetarian wimpy uglier version of himself after death's eyes widened.

"Ohmygosh!"

-end of Chapter One-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I WILL NEVER LET YOU SEE THE NEXT CHAPTER

TAKE THAT YOU WIMP ! YOU WILL DIE IN VAIN WISHING YOU HAD ONLY GIVEN GOOD REVIEWS THIS. IS. MY. REVENGE! DIE FOOL'S DIE!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! omg im bread

(BACK TO EVILNESS) HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU PATHETIC MORTAL'S

I,.YOUALL!

…I am never letting you near my story again, Kae-chan…