Todoroki's jaw dropped. He pointed to his face in disbelief. Ochako nodded, and held the door open wider.
"C'mon, he won't bite-" she joked but before Todoroki could stop himself, his feet were already turning away.
"Wai- Todoroki-kun!" Ochako shouted but he yanked open the door to the stairwell and rushed downstairs. His legs jarred when they met each step as he raced down two steps, three steps, at a time. At the final flight, Todoroki blindly burst out the door to a cool darkness. He staggered forward, breath ragged and echoing in the basement parking lot. Todoroki forced himself to hold his breath until his heartbeat finally slowed.
The first thing I do is run away. What kind of nurse does that to a patient… The nurse held a hand up to his forehead.
He eventually found the entrance to the parking garage, and the hospital main entry right beside it. The sun had set, and it was already getting chilly. The nurse shivered in his short-sleeved uniform. "Shit, better get a jacket or something," he muttered. "It's really getting cold in September… "
Todoroki took a step towards the hospital when a woman burst out of the doors, red-faced. The nurse started. The chubby woman's ivy-green hair was swept in a messy bun, and was slowly unraveling as she held her knees, panting in painful gasps. Todoroki's eyes widened.
"You're… " He shook his head. Priorities. "Are you alright, is something the matter?" he asked brusquely, ignoring his off-duty beeper. He gently took her wrist and began counting the pulses while checking his wristwatch. "I'll be taking your pulse, ma'am." Sweating, fast heart rate it seems, panic-
Midoriya Inko looked up in confusion before shaking her head. "Oh no, I'm sorry. I just… I… " Todoroki froze as she suddenly grabbed the nurse, holding him in a tight embrace as her shoulders shook violently. She gave a muffled cry. He felt his a patch in his shoulder grow wet.
"My Izuku, my poor, poor Izuku!" The woman sobbed, sinking to her knees. Todoroki awkwardly knelt beside her, patting her back stiffly. She clung tighter to him, weeping. "... Third surgery… Third! And still, he-!… He can't transplant his whole body forever, what will he do?!" The note of despair rang like a crystal bell.
"Mi-Midoriya-san, we… " Todoroki suddenly felt his words dissipate from his tongue like seafoam. 'We'... ? We what? 'We're going to find a cure'? 'We're going to save him'? … Bullshit. Saying that would be like… Todoroki jolted as the automatic door smoothly opened. A patient, a doctor, a nurse, someone, glanced at the two huddled figures before whipping their face away, walking just a hint faster into the parking lot. Todoroki narrowed his eyes into slits. 'Just another hopeless cause'. Is that what you thought? He paused, his eyes sliding back to the trembling woman before him.
… I can't say those things about cures. Those false hopes. I'd be just like those people then. Treating her like some stranger, some nobody, to whom you can just lie happy lies…
"Midoriya-san, the only thing I can promise… " Todoroki swallowed. Or… that I hope I can promise. "... is that we'll make sure your son is comfortable here."
Until the end.
The unspoken words hung heavily in the air and Todoroki shoved away the muddling feelings beginning to coagulate in his heart. The mother gave a final shudder before her tears subsided, and she slowly let go of his shoulders. Todoroki held out a hand, and she latched onto it as she staggered to her feet. She sniffled before sighing.
"Thank you very much… " Inko raised her head, and Todoroki was struck by the uncanny similarity her eyes had with her son's. Even how they tinged scarlet after crying. She glanced at his name tag, before blushing. "Um, Todoroki-san. Ah I'm sorry, I really should know your name by now… "
Todoroki shook his head, and began to guide her into the lobby to sit down. "It's alright, I'm used to it." When Midoriya-san's eyes misted, Todoroki quickly added, "Not just in terms of your son's sickness, but just, in the hospital. Everyone is preoccupied afterall."
"I am sorry, nonetheless." She paused and her mouth curved into a small, sad smile. "I do remember you and Izuku being good friends. It's strange, isn't it… ? Or maybe more ironic… How now he's the one on the bedside when he wanted to be the one to heal others so much… "
Todoroki jerked to a halt as memories began to well up again. Rays of watery sunlight washing along the spines of dusty medical texts. The delicately sweet aroma of morning hazelnut coffee twining with honeyed lemon tea. Scrunched writing, endless words on human anatomy, "A picture is a thousand words but I guess my notes are more words than diagrams, hahah", how his beautiful green eyes were flecked with pale gold like a medieval dragon's egg when the light hit them right there-
Shit, no no no- Todoroki slammed down on the memories with a tight clamp, wrenching it away somewhere deeper.
"Todoroki-san… ?" Inko tilted her head. The nurse gasped and looked up. Oh crap, I- He gave a curt nod and looked away, letting the woman sit on the plastic bench. He shifted his weight from foot to foot.
Should I stay… ? "Midoriya-san, are… do you want to go upstairs, or… ?"
"Oh no, I'm sure you're very busy Todoroki-san. I wouldn't want to bother you; I just need a moment before seeing Izuku again for the night." Midoriya's mother laughed and flashed a smile, but he didn't miss her trembling lips. She folded her hands tightly in her lap as her gaze shifted back down.
Oh…
Todoroki brushed the back of his head. "… Well… " He looked up, avoiding direct eye contact. "No, I'm… I'm actually on break right now. If you don't mind, could I sit with you for a while?" The question left his mouth before he could stop himself.
She looked up, startled, before smiling again, gratefully this time. Todoroki snatched a glance down and winced internally at the achingly familiar warmth. "Of course you may, Todoroki-san," she said warmly.
He took a seat beside her. She's so small, he thought. Well, Midoriya was never tall to begin with either I guess…
"Todoroki-san, may I ask you something?"
He nodded. She took a deep breath. "What exactly happens if Izuku doesn't… receive the brain transplant?"
… what? He whipped his head towards her.
She glanced at him before hastily continuing, tripping over her words. "I-If, well, if he didn't have the transplant, then, then he would remember…. He would remember the three days before the next transplant, right? All the days before the transplant?" She choked but almost violently rubbed them away. "My Izuku, he- he still doesn't know that he's lost four years… He still thinks he's about to go to medical school, and, and, his dream… his dream… "
Her voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. "No one will tell me what would happen if he just… didn't…the surgery… Maybe he could go to medical school, if only for a short time or something, if he could just learn and remember… " Inko's words trailed off, but her eyes had an intense light shining in them.
Todoroki wrenched away from her gaze and stared out into the lobby. The words that were always stewing in the back of his mind felt foreign to say aloud, garbled like gunk in his mouth. Is it right for me to say that? Is it alright for someone like me to say it? Though I'm sure no one told her because…no one had the heart to tell her… He stilled. His hands curled into fists. The image of the embarrassed look from the stranger walking out of the hospital branded itself in his mind. Another, older memory, of a clattering teakettle surfaced, superimposing on wild and absolutely empty eyes.
No. No, she deserves to know the whole truth. She's his mother.
He bit his lips so hard he could taste flat, tongue-curling copper. A tiny voice sneered, And what do you know about mothers, you made your own go insane didn't you.
"... It degenerates over a month. At first it'll be fine. Maybe for a week or two. But then… Motor skills, cognition, memory. Everything. Not just the memories from the past four years- everything will begin to fall apart."
Inko's face drained of color from an already pale complexion to a sickly yellow pallor.
"He ends in a vegetative state, if he doesn't die from enormous seizures first."
A soft gasp. Todoroki closed his eyes, tight. I'm so sorry. He whispered as gently as he could, "So… if the price to stay alive is not remembering the past five years… it's not worth it. That kind of life isn't worth the two weeks of retaining new memories."
"Then…" Inko's voice hitched. I'm so sorry. "He… he'll never… he'll never be able to leave the hospital? He can never learn or remember anything past three days… again?"
I'm so so sorry- "Yes."
"M… Mom?"
Todoroki's eyes snapped open. His heart stopped.
Midoriya stared, wide-eyed, with a hand on his IV. His face was ghastly white.
His mother jerked her head upward, tears streaming down her round cheeks. "I… Izuku… ?" She reached forward, but he staggered backward, shaking his head.
"What- Mom, what do… what do you mean? I-... " He kept shaking his head, his shoulders beginning to quake "I can't, I can't leave? I won't get better? I don't… I lost my memories from the past four years?" Midoriya's voice cracked. He held out a quivering hand and stared at it. He murmured to himself, "I thought it was strange that Uraraka-san and Kacchan both 'skipped' med school and are doing their residencies..."
Midoriya let his hand drop and looked straight at his mother. "Mom did you not tell me because I would've forgotten anyway?" he whispered.
"No! Izuku, no, I-I can explain-" his mother began desperately, but the patient stepped back farther and farther until he broke off into a run.
"Izu-!"
Todoroki jumped to his feet when the woman crumpled to the ground. He whipped around. "Mi-Midoriya-san-"
"I'll be fine, just, Izuku-" she moaned.
Shit, shit shit shit- "Hey you, help this woman!" Todoroki snapped at an intern about to pass through the exit.
"B-but my shift's done-" he began before Todoroki glared daggers at him. He yanked his collar.
"Are you in the health field or not?" he hissed. "Do you want to let people suffer just because they aren't your 'responsibility'?!" The intern furiously shook his head, eyes bulging as Todoroki roughly pushed him away. He didn't bother looking back as he scanned desperately for the forest-green curls. But the hallways were beginning to fill as emergency night patients were being rushed to the ER and other inpatients were calling for assistance and the sirens were screeching as the first ambulances for the night arrived. Frantic doctors and nurses darted between patients and surgery rooms as the crazed "dark hours" began.
I should have never said that kind of thing in the lobby, I'm so fucking stupid- A knot tightened inside his stomach like a vicegrip as Todoroki blindly dashed through the hall. He shoved forward, barely muttering apologies. What if he injures himself, what if he falls, he shouldn't have gone too far right? But what if he hurts himself before I find him? This is bad, this is the worst case scenario-
Todoroki stopped grimly as he reached the end of the hall. "Could I have missed him… ?" he wondered aloud, staring back at the chaotic mess behind him. He turned back to the elevator in front of him. "No… He probably went on the elevator… "
He watched the elevator's ticker stop on the second floor before moving up to the fourth floor. It started coming back down. Todoroki's mind whirled like a maelstrom. But there's nothing on the fourth floor… That's the anaesthetics ward-
Anaesthetics… ? Todoroki felt his stomach drop to the floor. No-no way- He tried to shove away the thought but its sticky fingers lingered all over his mind. An inner voice murmured, Well why else would a despairing patient go to the anaesthetics ward? After hearing something so drastic, wouldn't anyone? Isn't it reasonable, Shouto? Inpatient suicide…?
"No, Midoriya would… he would never!" Todoroki shook his head but his hands were clammy. The memories were flooding back, even as someone inside of him shrieked and covered his eyes but he could still see it: the explosion of papers, a sound like a flock of pigeons escaping to the sky as that broken body, crumpled like tinfoil, like a twisted toy mannequin, lying so still at the bottom of the stairs in the growing pool of crimson, and all those carefully etched notes were fluttering down, feathers dissolving, drowning into the flat void of ER red.
What if I… what if I killed Midoriya?
Todoroki's mind went blank. The barely controlled yells and screeching of hospital beds faded into a faint hum. Only his heartbeat throbbed in his ears, more a feeling than a sound. Sensation left his fingers and legs. Numb, only the drumming, pumping, blood.
"-roki-kun? Todoroki-kun. What are you doing here, you aren't normally in this ward."
The elevator had opened and Tsuyu took a step out before nearly walking into him. He flinched, the world whirring back in angry blasts. He barely resisted the urge to cover his ears. The other nurse tilted her head, her eyebrows furrowing as she held a finger to her mouth. "Todoroki-kun… ? Are you feeling ill?"
"Asui did… did you see a patient with green hair in the elevator," he managed to croak.
She blinked. "No, I was alone in the elevator on my way from the fourth floor." She tapped her bottom lip. "Perhaps the patient got off on a lower floor-" she began but he was already turning towards the stairwell.
Of course, obviously, that makes much more sense, God, you always think the worst case scenarios, of course Midoriya would never… Todoroki felt a giddy sense of relief crash into him as he leapt up the stairs. He's not on the fourth floor, he must be on the second-!
Todoroki slammed open the second floor emergency exit. The lights were already dimmed as on-duty nurses ushered out the last, most reluctant visitors. Pediatricians were briskly making their final rounds for the night as well, swooping in for quick chats with parents. Todoroki swept his gaze along the hallway, squinting. Damn it, he has to be here somewhere, he thought, gritting his teeth. He ignored the curious gazes as he strode forward.
He has to be here… right? Right? A bead of sweat ran down his brow. … Right? An icicle trailed down his spine, apprehension spiking as he turned another corner, and then another, and then… he was back by the stairwell.
"Fuck!" he blurted. A wave of sharp glares swung towards him and someone muttered, "It's a pediatrics ward for Christ's sake; can't nurses control themselves?" But Todoroki barely registered it.
I've lost him. I don't know where he is. Todoroki gripped the stethoscope hanging limply around his neck, feeling the cold, clean metal warm in his fist. Shit. Shit. God damn it, why did I say all those things, what's the use of being a nurse if I'm such a useless, completely incompetent-
He was so lost in thought that he almost didn't hear it.
"-urse. Mr. Nurse!"
Todoroki turned around as a little girl limped as fast as she could from behind him. Oh… the girl who I took the blood sample from earlier. He quickly walked up to her side and she stopped, panting so hard that Todoroki felt a stab of guilt. Todoroki knelt down on a knee. She in turn looked at him with wide gray eyes that matched her frizzy white hair.
"Is… is something wrong?" he asked, forcing down his impatience. The girl paused before nodding vigorously. "What is it?" he prompted as she fidgeted and clenched and unclenched her tiny hospital gown.
"Um… there's someone outside. He looks very sad," she added quickly, her eyes shining with worry before she ducked her head back down again.
Todoroki stifled a sigh. He patted the girl's head. "It's really good of you to care for others, especially since there're lots of sad people in the hos-" He froze. Outside.
The nurse rose to his feet and stared out the window.
"Of course. The healing gardens," he breathed. The girl nodded and pointed.
"Him," she whispered.
