Thank you so much for all your kind comments about the first chapter. I hope you think this one works as well.


"You want what's best for you all the time."

"Nice to see you again, Caroline. How have you been this last week?"

Caroline walked into the room. "Fabulous." A recalcitrant teenager. She took off her jacket, draping it over the back of the chair and then she sat down heavily, readjusting a little as she'd forgotten she was still wearing her work 'uniform' of straight skirt and fabulous heels.

Helen settled herself in the chair opposite. "So, Caroline...hopefully you remember that I asked you to think about control at the end of our last session...and what that means to you."

Caroline swallowed a sigh. "Yes, I remember."

"Ok, so...I'm assuming that as a headmistress, you're normally in control at work". Helen looked questioningly at Caroline, trying to engage her.

Caroline nodded. "Normally." Giving nothing away. Determined not to break down like last time.

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Fine." Stupid bloody question.

Helen paused, studying Caroline. Her expression, her posture. "Ok...so what makes you feel out of control."

"Lots of things. Just like anyone."

"Give me an example."

"Oh, you know...war, famine, government stupidity." Caroline pushed her hips back a little in the chair. Stretched her legs. Examined her shoes.

"Yes, I'm sure. But I was thinking about something that's maybe more personal to you."

Caroline looked at Helen steadily. Firm jaw. "Can't think of anything offhand."

Helen retained eye contact, saying nothing. A silence. Caroline swallowed. "The boys can be...trying from time to time...but that's teenagers for you." Filling the gap.

"Right." Quiet, even tone but determined nonetheless. "We talked a lot about Kate last time. What was it about your relationship with Kate that made you feel out of control?"

Caroline blinked. Not expecting that. The room reeled a little. She opened her mouth to speak. No sound came out. Her eyes were drawn to the abstract painting on the wall behind Helen. Blue and green. Today some of the green seemed to bleed out of the blue. Seeping out, making itself known.

She turned back to meet Helen's eyes. "The uncertainty and sometimes overwhelming emotion." Did I just say that? Caroline looked startled at her own admission.

Helen nodded almost imperceptibly. "Ok. Let's take those two things separately. Where did the uncertainty come from?"

Caroline swallowed. "Partly because it was new...different. Being with Kate wasn't like being with John. It felt more...equal I suppose and that...unnerved me a bit. I wasn't used to not being the dominant party."

"What did you do about that?"

Caroline looked thoughtful. "I suppose...I vacillated between enjoying the newness of it and trying to slip into my more comfortable role." Honest. Open.

"And how did that play out?"

"Kate was...very indulgent generally. I suppose she wanted to make me happy." She paused, thinking. "But occasionally she asserted her...point of view." She swallowed, a lump having come to her throat. "Gently though...mostly she was very gentle."

"Was she ever not gentle?" A quiet enquiry.

Caroline's breath caught in her throat. She waited a few moments before answering in a strained voice, "When she...dumped me."

"That must've been a shock to the system. As well as being painful."

"Yes." Looking at the floor. Wanting to feel grounded.

"What did she say, Caroline...that made you feel most uncertain?"

A choked breath. Memories flooding her head, drowning in her eyes. Still looking at the floor. The one pocket of air down there. Couldn't risk looking up at another human being. "She said...that our relationship had...never really started."

"Why do you think she said that?"

Caroline looked up. Met Helen's gentle gaze. Big mistake. Started to cry. "I don't know."

Helen paused. Tried a different route. "Ok...why did that specifically upset you and make you feel uncertain?"

Caroline's head bobbed up in surprise, "Because I thought we had something special. I thought she felt...the same way as me. She said that it'd just been..." Her astonishment faded away as she put the brakes on her runaway words.

"It'd just been what?"

Marvellous. Note to self. Don't leave yourself open...A shaky sigh. No way around this now. Words like razors over her tongue...over her soul. Spoken carefully as if to avoid the emotion of them. "She said that it'd just been a bit of an odd mess...a couple of embarrassed fumbles." Caroline sagged slightly at the middle as if she'd experienced a blow. A pain.

"How did that make you feel?"

"Oh just bloody wonderful!" A shaky voice but retreating to sarcasm where it was safe.

"I didn't mean my question to sound glib, Caroline. I realise that those words would've been difficult to hear but I want to understand the emotions that came out of that for you." Helen didn't parry, didn't sound defensive; she just explained her motives clearly and calmly.

"Sorry." Genuinely contrite. She met Helen's eyes and found nothing but kindness and understanding there. Wiped an elegant finger conspicuously over an eye where a rogue tear was still to be found. Helen waited patiently.

A deep breath. Preparation for what was to come. Poised on the blocks for the start. "Ok...well...I was shocked firstly...that she could say something so...cruel. Kate was never cruel...is never cruel. One of the things I l...like about her is her gentleness, her compassion. But what she said...it hit me...like a physical blow. We'd been together for...months then...been through quite a lot and...she knew..." A sob overtook her and she tried to stifle it but didn't quite manage it. "...she knew what I felt and what our relationship meant to me."

"How did she know? Did you tell her?"

"Not in...so many words but...she knew for instance that I didn't do casual. That for me to start a relationship...any relationship, not least one with another woman...was a big thing." Caroline looked at Helen, righteousness clear in her expression. Her voice softened however as she continued, "She knew that sex for me is an expression of trust and intimacy and...commitment...and I thought it had been...but in saying...what she said...it was like all that had been thrown back in my face." Tears were now streaming down her face, seemingly without her knowing it. "I felt betrayed. Worthless. Stupid." She leaned over and took two tissues, using them to stem the flow of tears.

Helen allowed Caroline a little time to catch her breath and wipe her tears before she said, "So, do you think that Kate would've got all that...through your lovemaking...through how you were together?"

With the prompt of Helen's question, Caroline allowed herself to remember.

Kate straddling her hips in bed, playfully pinning her wrists on the pillow above her head. Telling her that she was in charge now. Telling her what she intended to do to her. Caroline laughing, allowing herself to 'submit'.

Another time:

Kate holding her as she reached orgasm. Weeping at the power of it, the overwhelming emotion. Kate kissing her tears, whispering to her that she knew, she understood and that it was ok because she felt the same.

The quietest of responses. "I thought she had. I really did."

"Did you ever talk about your feelings with her?"

Caroline looked startled. A rabbit in the headlights. "No." A small voice.

"So why do you think she said what she said to you, bearing in mind the connection you thought you'd had?"

Caroline gazed at Helen thoughtfully, the sadness apparent in her eyes. Blue like the ocean. Lost and yet found. "Either I'm wrong...about that connection...or she really wanted to hurt me...and she found the thing that would work."

"If you had talked about those emotions...your connection...do you think that would've changed things?"

Caroline looked...dismayed. "I think it would've just made it more painful. I'd've been more...exposed surely."

"Hmmm..." Helen outwardly considered what Caroline had said, "...do you think there's a difference between emotional exposure and emotional clarity?"

Caroline was quiet for quite some time but it was clear she was thinking. Her eyes flickered around the room but never settled anywhere. Eventually she said, "I suppose the difference is...communication."

Helen nodded but didn't say anything. Let the thought settle in the room. Not afraid of the silence. After a minute she asked, "So, when we spoke last week, you said you'd felt you'd pushed Kate - amongst others - away. How do you think you did that?"

Caroline looked from Helen to the painting behind her. The blue seemed very far away and overwhelmed by the green. She spoke hesitantly, "Well, apart from my cowardice...I think I...underestimated her need to be a mother. And my selfishness and cowardice raised their ugly heads there too."

"How so?"

Caroline took a breath as she turned her gaze to Helen again. She chewed her bottom lip before starting to speak. "It didn't help that Kate wanted to sleep with an ex of hers in order to get pregnant. I couldn't get my head around that...despite her trying to reassure me that it was the best chance of her getting pregnant and that it was just a...means to an end."

"Did you talk to Kate about that...tell her how you felt?"

Caroline chewed her lip again. Seemingly to try to stop herself crying. "To a certain extent I did." Helen raised her eyes questioningly. "When she first mentioned it, I was really shocked. In my head I was screaming 'no' but I didn't say anything."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

Helen looked at her, like she was trying to see inside her head. Her gaze raking Caroline's face. Eventually she said, "Did you talk about it again?"

"Yes." A pause. "Right after I told her about the weekend away." Caroline chewed her lip again thoughtfully. "She thought it was a great idea for Greg - her ex - to meet us at the hotel we were going to be staying at. I told her that I was having problems processing her plan to sleep with him. She insisted it would give her the best chance of getting pregnant."

"What did you mean when you told Kate you were having problems processing it?"

Caroline's lip trembled. She drew a shaky breath. "I hated the thought of her sleeping with him. Hated it." She started to cry again. "I mean...I don't think I'm being possessive..but she was my...girlfriend. We slept together...made love to each other...and to think of someone else...touching her...", she choked on a sob, "...it made me feel...desperate."

"But you didn't tell her that?"

Caroline shook her head, her breath coming in short gasps.

"Why?"

"I felt...out of control." A small voice. Lost. Out of her depth.

A pause. Then, "How did you feel about Kate wanting a child generally?"

A sharp intake of breath. A residual sob. "I wasn't that keen."

"Why?"

Another small sob. "I suppose if I'm honest, I couldn't imagine starting again at 46...when the boys are almost grown up. And I was worried about Kate. She'd been pregnant before...four times...and had lost them. I knew she'd be...devastated...if it happened again." She looked at Helen in dismay. "I tried to dissuade her but I can't believe she was determined to put herself through that again!"

"Do you think that trying to dissuade her was the right thing to do?"

Caroline's mouth moved as if she was chewing the inside of her cheek. Then, a small voice, "No." She looked at Helen agitatedly, "I'm not stupid Helen, I realise that what I should've done is to talk to her properly about how scared I was for her and how much I didn't want her to...do it...the way she was intending to." She paused, looking like she had a bad taste in her mouth and then continued, "I also wish we'd had chance to talk more about what we wanted from the future. God Helen, it was all so...rushed. And I think that was my fault too." She looked at her sadly.

"Why do you think that was your fault?"

Caroline took a big breath and then rushed out, "Because I thought I was going to lose the house and I asked Kate to sell hers and move in with me...and then she told me that if we were going to commit to the relationship properly, she wanted a baby."

"Wow, those were some big conversations. How did they go?"

Caroline looked sheepish. "Well actually...we had a conversation about it one morning while I was walking to Assembly."

"Just the one...short conversation then?" Helen raised her eyebrows.

Caroline squirmed a little in the chair. "Pretty much. Although we did then talk that lunchtime about her wish to have a baby and how that might...happen."

Helen looked intrigued. "So all this was prompted by you being worried about losing your house?"

"Yes."

"Would you have asked Kate about moving in with you at that point if you hadn't been worried about losing the house?"

Caroline exhaled a big puff of air. "I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her...and that wasn't a lie." Indignant.

"But would you have asked her then, if it hadn't been for the house worry?" Insistent.

Caroline looked down at her shoes. "Probably not right then, no." Honest, despite it feeling uncomfortable. She looked up, "But I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. I mean...I did." She bit her lip again. Swallowed hard.

Helen was quiet for a moment and then she asked, "Did you feel out of control when you felt like you were going to lose the house?"

Caroline looked uncomfortable and moved her gaze to Helen's desk. "Yes."

"So how did you feel when Kate told you if she were to commit to that, she wanted to have a baby?"

Caroline's eyes were drawn again to the painting on the wall. The blue seemed cold. Forbidding. Her throat started to feel constricted. "Panicky." Tight voice.

"What do you normally do when you feel out of control?" A quiet voice. Calm.

The green in the painting seemed garish all of a sudden. She felt sick. Deep breaths. "I think...I think...I probably don't deal with it very well."

"What do you mean, Caroline?" Kind, gentle. Like Kate.

A shuddery breath. "I was thinking about this after...after you mentioned it last week. I think I either get really angry and lash out or I take control, riding roughshod over people, or I...go to pieces." She turned sad eyes to Helen. A confession.

"But you didn't do any of those things with Kate." A statement, not a question.

The green and the blue started to merge into one another behind Caroline's tear-filled eyes. She sniffed. "No." A shaky voice. "I didn't know what to do. My relationship with Kate didn't...feel like any other I'd known. I felt...adrift."

"Have you ever felt like that before, Caroline?" Gentle momentum.

Caroline looked at her sightlessly. Helplessly. A small voice. From a long time ago. "When I was a child. When my parents argued."

"I can see that when you were a child you were powerless, Caroline...but why did you feel powerless with Kate?"

Caroline slumped forward, her head in her hands and she started to sob. Her breath coming in heaving gasps. Tears splashed onto the floor in front of her, disappearing into the dark blue carpet, just like other people's tears before them. They left no mark. After a few minutes she looked up into Helen's eyes and she gasped, "Because...because...I love her!"

Helen nodded almost imperceptibly. The room quivered and trembled.