Touhou Doujin: Jean's Magical Education

Chapter 2: Not Shikigami in name only...

The Human Village, Keine's Village School, Nine-thirty Anti-meridian

Keine Kamishirasawa walked into the only classroom in the village school, and noticed that the students were all either here already or were running in as Keine entered. Was she really this late?

The class was loud with the sound of conversations between the children, discussing childish things such as how much frog-spawn they had kept in a jar, whether the sky is blue or grey, and whether Miss Kamishirasawa was really a monster in disguise...

Keen to get on with the lesson, Keine cleared her throat, "Okay, class! Today, I have something planned that will really excite you!"

The majority of the class groaned with the exception of one child, which shouted, "Yes!"

Keine sighed, "It isn't another history lesson, I promise. Today, I'm going to introduce you to a new teacher, his name is..."

Dawitsu entered the classroom as if on cue, "Mr Dawitsu! Bam!" Dawitsu turned to Yutaka, who entered shortly after, and whispered, "Thanks for making that box for us to hide in while we waited..."

Yutaka whispered back, "It's okay, but did you really have to say 'bam'?"

"Sure I did!" Dawitsu turned to the class, "Hello there, class. Now, let's get some things straight... I want you guys to have fun while learning, so if anyone's bored, feel free to leave any time..."

Keine tapped Yutaka on the back, and asked Yutaka as Dawitsu continued his speech, "What does he hope to achieve by giving them an option to leave?"

"The Boss only likes motivated students. Plus, if anyone does leave, in theory, peer pressure makes him the uncool outcast rather than the others, as the glory of doing a 'forbidden thing' like truanting has been... un-forbidden." Yutaka explained.

Dawitsu tailed off his speech, "...and that's why I expect you to give me a new idea for an outfit every Friday, so that I'll stay fresh in your eyes. So, any questions?"

A tall, brown-haired boy asked, "Who's the cute girl with you?"

"See, I told you they'd find you cute, Yutaka..." Dawitsu said to his assistant, and then answered the child's question fully, "...her full name's Yutaka Hadekawa. So... uh... any more questions?"

The same child asked, "How old is she?"

Yutaka got angry, and walked up to the desk the child was sat at, standing over him, and shouted, "I'M ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY NINE! HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

The child flinched, "Uh... t-t-t-t-ten..."

"In that case, never call me cute again..." Yutaka calmly asserted, and walked back to her position beside Dawitsu.

Even Dawitsu was shocked into silence by this sudden outburst. Quite clearly Yutaka liked him a lot if this was her usual reaction to strangers calling her 'cute'.

After a long pause, Dawitsu asked, "Uh... any more questions?"

The child with the brown hair seemed to have recovered his ego, and asked, "So, is she this feisty all the time?"

Dawitsu decided to act on his Shikigami's behalf, and walked to the child, pointed towards the door, and said, "Get out of my class."

"But... you wanted us to ask questions and..."

"GET OUT!"

The child slowly stood up, and tried once more to justify himself, "Well, do you find her cute?"

Dawitsu paused, "Admittedly, yes, but I'm three hundred and eighteen, and have been through puberty. You haven't, and it's downright disturbing seeing you act this way. Please leave."

"Stupid new teacher..." the child muttered as he left the classroom, slamming the door behind him.

After yet another awkwardly long pause, Dawitsu fell back to his default speech, "So, any questions?"

A load of hands suddenly raised, so Dawitsu selected a black-haired child. He asked, "Is she married to anyone?"

Yutaka was so exhausted from her outburst to come back with another one. Dawitsu sighed, "Is there any questions not related to Yutaka?"

The amount of hands raised decreased to just one. Dawitsu said, "Go on."

It was a young, blonde-haired girl, and she asked, "If you're both that old, does that mean you're a Youkai?"

"You're pretty smart... of course we are." Dawitsu answered, "But of course, we have no intention of eating you guys, but if you disrupt the lesson... well, you saw Yutaka when she gets angry..."

Yutaka punched Dawitsu in the arm as a reminder that she never usually gets angry, but Dawitsu used this as a method to reinforce the bluff, "You see?"

Keine sweat-dropped, and said, "So... what will you be teaching, mister Dawitsu?"

"Maths, for starters. Obviously because of all the history lessons, you must be familiar with counting, adding, and subtracting, am I right?" Dawitsu asked the class, gauging their ability.

One child answered, "We can also multiply and divide numbers..."

"Oh, good. Have you heard of fractions?" Dawitsu took a piece of chalk from Keine's desk, and began scrawling the number '½'. "Do you know what these mean?"

"Um, the slash can mean divided by, can't it? But one isn't a multiple of two..." a particularly bright student said.

"Ah, but you can split one into two pieces. Yutaka, demonstrate!" Dawitsu had already found a use for Yutaka's amazing skills.

Yutaka picked up a red piece of chalk, and said, "I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot, class... allow me to show you..." Yutaka transformed the matte red gypsum into a shiny red apple, "...this is one apple, am I correct?"

The class were quite amazed by the transformation, never mind her teaching. Dawitsu cleared his throat to provoke an answer. In unison, they said, "Yes, Miss Hadekawa!"

"Well, what happens if I divide it by two?" Yutaka effortlessly separated the apple lengthways into exactly equal portions, "Now, there a two pieces of apple smaller than the original apple. You cannot simply call these segments two apples, can you? No, they are two halves of an apple, understand?"

The smarter students nodded in enlightenment, the less academically gifted scratched their heads in confusion. Yutaka compensated for the latter, "Think of it like this... one divided by two is a half, which means that two lots of it makes one. That makes one half twice as small as one, right?"

A beefy-looking kid at the back of the class said, "So, is multiplying by a half the same as dividing something by two?"

Dawitsu was impressed by this, "Wow, you've just grasped the concept of reciprocals before we've even introduced multiplying and dividing fractions... what's your name?"

"Hideki Kobayashi..." the child answered.

"Hmm... I know a Hideki that is a great musician... well done, Kobayashi..." Dawitsu commended.

Yutaka waved a hand to signal to Dawitsu to be quiet, "Anyway, if you divide one by three, you'll get a third, which is exactly the same, except..." Yutaka fused the apple back together, then pulled it apart to show three radially-divided segments of apple, "...it takes three of them to make a whole..."

Dawitsu whispered to Keine, "Who's teaching this lesson, eh? Me or her? It's all a popularity contest, eh?"

Keine whispered back, "The boy who you sent out is a trouble-maker. He's said some pretty disturbing things to me also..."

"He's just hot for teacher..." Dawitsu began to hum a rapid guitar melody, and continued, "I reckon if I were to cross-dress and convince him I was female, he'd go for me too..."

The Forest of Magic, Marisa Kirisame's house, Three Post-meridian

Jean had his head in a book labelled, 'Love Sign: The obliterating power of love, in your control!'. Marisa was sweeping up in a fashion that merely took up time, as opposed to actually cleaning the area.

"Er, Marisa, what does this word mean? I don't remember learning it as part of English..." Jean asked the unoccupied witch. Marisa walked up to Jean and stood over the book. Pointing to the unfamiliar word, he continued, "I know 'mini' is an abbreviation for the small things, but what is this 'Hakkero'?"

"Well..." Marisa lifted up her hat, and took a small, octagonal prism from the top of her head, "This is a mini-hakkero. A magical device that allows energy to be collected for a move I like to call 'Master Spark'."

Jean took it off Marisa, and looked it over, and began to rotate it to see the other side, but soon Marisa interrupted the observation, "Don't point that end at your face!"

Jean dropped the wood-like object, and Marisa picked it up, frowning, "Don't just pinch stuff you don't know about..."

Unaware of Marisa's hypocrisy, Jean said, "I am sorry, Mademoiselle..."

"Mademoi... what?"

"French for 'Miss'. The title of an unmarried woman." Jean explained.

"Who knew I'd be learning stuff from you, eh?" Marisa put her hands on her hips, and then said, "So, you think you understand how to Master Spark?"

"Uh... no. It says I have to focus the love into the Hakkero... does that mean I have to love an inanimate object?" Jean asked.

"I know I love this little beauty..." Marisa seemed to confirm, "Hey, if you want, we can go outside, and I'll demonstrate the attack..."

Jean continued reading the book, and said, "Ah, I think I have seen this attack before. Is it the large, arc-en-couleur laser?"

"Arc-en-coloeur?" Marisa picked up that some French words sounded remarkably close to English words.

"You know, the seven coloured arcs that go across the sky when it has rained..."

"Rainbows?"

"Ah, yes, that is it. Yes, is it the rainbow-coloured laser?" Jean finally got the sentence in full English.

"Yes, it is. So, do you understand how the Master Spark works now?" Marisa asked.

"No, I just know that I need to love a piece of wood and... hope a laser shows up. I cannot imagine that would work..." Jean mused, not faithful in the idea of such an illogical concept, despite the fact he was learning an art, which by definition, defied logic.

"Oh really? Well, why don't you take it outside for a spin? As long as you don't point it at me... or yourself, I'd like to see you try it..." Marisa offered, giving Jean the mini-hakkero once again, "Remember, the side with the blue dot in the middle is where it fires. If you can even see that there's a blue dot on that thing, you could get killed..."

Jean nodded apprehensively, and walked towards the front door, Marisa following him. Once they went outside, Jean concentrated on the mini-hakkero, and looked for an area that would be okay to aim at. Almost everywhere had some form of life, be it a tree, a fairy, or a frozen frog, something living would have to be obliterated in the process of Jean's practice.

Marisa shouted, "Hey, what's taking you so long?"

"Where should I aim the weapon?" Jean asked his teacher, acting like a child unable to make decisions without parental guidance.

"Uh... aim it at that weed, over there..." Marisa pointed to a giant, man-eating plant, and continued, "Remember, feel the love... that's all there is to it..."

Jean focused on the plant, then the mini-hakkero, causing the target to blur in his vision. Not quite sure how to love the object, he started with a simple, "Je t'aime..."

Nothing happened, and Marisa shook her head, "That probably meant 'I love you', didn't it? Well, tough, it isn't that simple. You have to feel love for the Hakkero!"

Jean wondered how such a hardy, borderline obnoxious young woman was able to feel love for anything, never mind a small piece of wood. Nonetheless, he tried again, this time speaking in a soft, suave voice, "Je t'aime..."

Marisa grinned, slightly attracted to the voice, "Oh, I could've believed that one, but it seems the Hakkero isn't. Try kissing it!"

"You cannot be serious." Jean looked at Marisa, noticing her slightly creepy grin.

"Of course I am." Marisa said in an even, honest tone.

After a long pause, Jean finally decided to go along with the hair-brained scheme on the premise that it may work better than the previous attempts. He muttered, "Putain..."

He slowly brought his lips to the octagonal prism, and, after one final cringe, kissed the Hakkero tenderly.

Marisa was trying and failing to stifle laughter as nothing happened for a third time, but Jean continued to kiss the item. Marisa soon stopped laughing when a large laser shot from the device, flinging the unprepared Jean backwards, head first.

After landing on his back, with the Hakkero still moulded onto his lips after the sheer force of the recoil, Marisa clapped and said, "Well done! See, I told you it would work! Now, let's see the damage you caused!"

Marisa picked up the silent Jean, and ripped the mini-hakkero from his lips, causing him to whimper a little. She walked towards the pile of ash that was once a giant Venus Fly Trap, and declared, "See! Nothin' to it!"

Jean's mouth was hurting to much to agree. However, he noticed something that made him pipe up in an incoherent manner, "Peeful! On vuh foor!"

Marisa couldn't translate Jean's more broken than usual English, and said, "Yeah, sure, you did awesome..."

"Sagreflu..." Jean rolled his eyes, and then pointed to a pair of unconscious bodies on the floor, behind the charred plant, "PEEFUL! Oh... oh no... vey are vuh yoguy man and hish shigi... LOOK!"

Marisa looked at where he was pointing, and noticed who he was pointing at. A man in blue, with black hair and a teacher's hat was lying down unconscious, holding the hand of another unconscious person with salmon hair and an identical blue outfit and teacher's hat.

"Oh, that's okay, they're both Youkai..." Marisa mused.

"But... but you shed vuh midi-hakkeno could kill!" Jean's speech was gradually returning to normal.

"It can kill humans. Youkai are tough, they'll both wake up none the worse..." Marisa walked up to Dawitsu's lying body, and kneeled beside it, "Eh, it's a shame, I kinda like this guy, he has a massive library full of..." Marisa suddenly gained an epiphany.

"What? A library full of books? Isn't that not the main concern? We must help them..." Jean decided.

"No, they'd just blame us..." Marisa lied, "I have a much better idea..."

Just outside the Dawitsu Mansion, about twenty minutes later

Jean had began to get the hang of flying on his broom with Marisa, but still found it hard to fire rapid-fire bullets at the same time as controlling the flying implement. He asked as they flew through the air above the Hakurei Shrine, "Where are we going? The flying mansion?"

"Yeah, we're going to... uh... check their library for some... cure for Master Spark wounds!" Marisa unconvincingly said.

"What are we really doing?" Jean picked up on Marisa's lie despite English not being his mother tongue.

"Fine! But don't whine, 'cos this is all for you... we're gonna go borrow some books from their library." Marisa bluntly said, "Happy now?"

"Why, what will they have?" Jean queried as they stopped in front of the door of the Floating Mansion.

"Books on Mimicry, mostly. Perhaps high-level terrain manipulation after seeing what that Shikigami girl's capable of..." Marisa thought up her catch as she went along, "...and possibly some knick-knacks from the outside world. Okay, through the window!"

"But how are we to jump off of our brooms and through the window without falling?" Jean made a legitimate point.

"Just ride our brooms into the house! I'll go first!" Marisa proceeded to demonstrate.

Meanwhile, Ran and Chen were sitting and drinking tea in the 'Locria's level' segment of the mansion. After setting the music in the area to 'Magypsy Present' on a lit-up screen, the sounds of saxophones were filling the air. It was loud enough to render the sound of breaking glass inaudible to Chen, however, Ran noticed a faint sound.

"Chen, did you hear something?" Ran asked her shikigami, who was whistling the tune playing from the speakers.

Chen shook her head, "No, Ran-sama..."

"I'm sure I heard something..." Ran muttered, and left the small, pink, shell-styled house she was in to enter the nearest lift.

In the Foyer, Marisa was pondering which of the many lifts led to the library. "Hmm... I remember that there's a door to an aquarium, and... uh... a load of lifts that go the long way to the library, but I'm sure that Yutaka mentioned a master lift... uh..."

Jean was becoming worried, "Perhaps this is not such a good idea... what if we take too long and they wake up and find us in their house?"

"Shut up! Eeny, meeny, miney, mo!" Marisa chanted as she 'randomly selected' a lift, and called it, hoping it would be the right one.

It opened, and after Marisa and Jean entered the lift, the doors shut, just as the lift next to it opened to reveal Ran, who narrowly missed seeing the pair. What she did see, however, was the evidence of a break-in... glass covered the foyer floor.

"No... I'd best search all the floors, starting with this one... CHEN!" Ran's voice resonated throughout the mansion, to the point where all three of the other people in the Dawitsu Mansion heard, "CHEN! Check the floor above the one you're in, I think there's an intruder..."

Jean, now stuck in an elevator that may well lead to his discovery during his assistance of attempted theft, panicked, "Il ya d'autres personnes dans la maison!"

"Uh... yeah, there seems to be a couple of animal youkai in the mansion... but why would they be here? Oh well, as long as we're going to the right floor, we shouldn't be caught..." Marisa attempted to reassure the frightened Frenchman, who was trembling and looking left and right.

It was this behaviour that caused him to notice the sign in the lift that read 'This is Lift #5055. Use for uninterrupted access to all things Moé from the foyer'. "Uh... Marisa, what does the word 'Moé', mean? It might be a clue to where we are going..."

Marisa turned to face the sign Jean was facing. "Uh... I think Moe is a name for a man... that doesn't sound like the library..."

Surely enough, when the lift doors opened, they revealed, not shelves filled with books, but shelves filled with plastic boxes and comics, and the odd glass case. Marisa walked out of the lift, while Jean looked out from inside the metal box. Marisa turned around to ask Jean to leave, but noticed the set of lift doors next to the ones they had arrived in... they were made of glass.

And surely enough, someone could be seen arriving at the floor. Marisa dashed back into the elevator, shouting, "It's Chen!"

"Who is Chen?" Jean asked, and pressed the button to bring the lift back to the ground floor instantly.

"A cat youkai! Lord knows what she's doing here... maybe she's stealing from the mansion too..."

Jean decided to use the time in the lift wisely and look Chen up in the Grimoire of Dawitsu. The order in which the girls were organised was so nonsensical that he was glad of the contents page. He read out loud, "Despite her title, Chen is not all that... uh... intimidating. Yes, she is a 'black cat' in terms of superstition... a two-tailed one at that... and has some luck-based attacks... uh... but she isn't that scary, she is currently... my Shikigami's Shikigami..."

Marisa's eyes widened with shock, "WHAT? Ran sold Chen to Yutaka?"

"Uh... no, not according to the book... er... yes, here we are, she is the Shikigami of his other Shikigami, Ran..." Jean explained, confusing himself in the process.

"Wait, so he has two shiki..." Marisa was about to compete her sentence, but the lift doors were beginning to open. Ran was standing by the lift's opening, folding her arms and smiling, "So, we finally have a chance to show the Master our usefulness!"

"Uh... hi, Ran..." Marisa weakly said, slightly fearful in such a small, not-so-dodge-conducive area. Jean had stopped acting like a sane person, and was holding Marisa tighter than a vice.

"My, I was right to get Chen to pursue you at the Animé floor... now, explain why you're in our Master's house when he's out?" Ran said accusingly.

"Well... he told me to pick up some stuff that he owed me..." Marisa tried to come up with a believable excuse.

"That's strange... why would you break through the window if you were doing completely innocuous things? I wouldn't have minded if you'd have simply knocked the door and told me..." Ran grinned with pride in her logical supremacy.

"Uh... I didn't know Dawitsu had two shikigami... I thought the house was empty, and the door was locked..." Marisa continued trying to wriggle out of the situation, but it was hard to think while a man a good head taller than her was uncontrollably crying and shaking her back and forth.

"The door wasn't locked. Seen as we were in, there was no reason for us to lock the door..." Ran delivered the final blow to Marisa's obvious lie.

"Uh..." Marisa knew she couldn't use Master Spark to escape the situation as Ran was immune to large-scale attacks.

Jean screamed, "Remise déjà!"

Ran listened to the French words, and smiled to herself, "Ah, a French person... Yutaka told me about you... apparently you're utterly powerless..."

Jean stopped whimpering, and stuttered, "Y-y-y-y-yes, that is correct..."

Ran sighed, "Well, I can't simply attack you, can I? Okay, because I feel that Marisa is the main culprit here, I shall make her fix the window."

Marisa folded her arms, "Make me."

"Fine..." Ran lunged into the lift, and grabbed Jean by the back of his collar, "He is now my hostage until you repair the damage..."

Marisa simply grabbed Jean from the front, and yelled, "But I can just as easily take him back!"

The two began to pull Jean towards each other, not doing the poor man's psyche any favours.

"You will fix the window!" Ran made an ultimatum.

"I will have my student of magic back!" Marisa equalled her ultimatum.

"Est-ce mon affaire d'opinion du tout?" Jean yelled, feeling the strain of the two women pulling on him, now switching grip points to his arms.

Fortunately for Jean, the doorbell rang, seemingly just to save the day. Ran yanked Jean Franc from Marisa, and dragged him towards the door, while Marisa ran after her, and re-established her grip.

"Why are you still holding on? It doesn't matter any more! Whoever is at the door will either save us or..." Jean feared to finish to latter option.

Ran opened the door, expecting to see her master to proudly declare her catch to, but instead, opened the door to see a somewhat miffed Reimu Hakurei.

"Hey, Ran, is your master..." Reimu had begun the sentence not thinking about what she was seeing, but as soon as she saw Jean, she soon changed her tack, "Jean? Is that..."

Reimu proceeded to whack both Ran and Marisa away from Jean with her Gohei in an almost slapstick-esque manner, and hugged Jean like a Boa Constrictor, "OH JEAN! YOU'RE ALIVE! I've missed you so much! Never let me leave you with that witch again! I promise I'll be nice to you! I'll even let you learn magic! Just don't leave me again!"

Jean wriggled under the grasp of the rabid shrine maiden, "Putain, elle est une Tsundere..."

Marisa, who was on the floor from Reimu's ridiculously powerful stick attack, muttered, "Since when did you get all soft and sweet?"

Reimu glared at Marisa, "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HAPPY?" Reimu's voice instantly turned warm again as she addressed Jean, "I'm sorry I've been so mean to you, I'll do whatever you want!"

Jean muttered, "Ce n'est pas bon..."

"What does that mean? I love you, too!" Reimu gleefully replied.

"Actually, 'I love you' in French is 'Je t'aime'..." Marisa corrected.

"But..." Reimu tried to add up the situation in her head, "...how would you know that? Unless... Jean, what have you been saying? To MARISA, no less? How... how could you?"

"It is a long story..." Jean spoke English for the first time in that minute.

Marisa tried to use this distraction to escape the scene, however, Ran caught her in the act and grabbed her, placing her in a Jujitsu-style lock, reminiscent of Dawitsu's own technique, "Not so fast, you're still replacing the window..."

By this point, Chen had entered the foyer from a lift, and asked, "What's going on?"

After observing her mistress wrestling with a human witch, and a miko shouting angrily at a strange man who was speaking a language she couldn't understand, she decided it was probably best to go to bed, and hope that by doing so, she'd wake up in the real world...

It was only later that the Master of the house and it's official Head Servant arrived on the scene, not best pleased. However, despite having the most authority given the turf, Dawitsu was not only unable to resolve the insanity, he actually made it worse... in the end, Marisa did stay and fix his window, and Reimu abandoned Jean so he could stay with Marisa. Apparently he'd 'cheated on her'... Jean didn't realise he'd made the commitment in the first place.

Perhaps something got lost in translation...

Author's notes: Hello there! Sorry I didn't include author's notes in the first chapter, I had nothing to say... then again, I imagine some of you liked the fact I didn't have five hour's worth of reading time of author's notes, but I digress...

This is gonna be an oddly-structured story, I can see it now, it'll be hell to wrestle this story by the horns and get it under control...

I bet I'm making absolutely no sense to you whatsoever, am I? Anyway, for those who want to see my later Danmakufu projects, please check my DA account, and look at the last two journals... Rayman and Doppelgänger routines for the win! These projects are considerably better than my... somewhat crappy older ones. THERE'S EXPLODING BULLETS, DAMN IT!