Super Good Editor: So this chapter jumps around three months from the last one. Pahanin, in true Hunter form, decided not to indicate the passage of time in any way, and instead left it to the reader to figure out. That's just very frustrating if you are a Hunter or Titan because you'll probably go the rest of the book without figuring it out, so I decided to put this note here explaining it.
-Super Good Advice
Why did I get talked into this?
Well, I didn't really have much of a choice. I've been hanging around with Wei Ning, Eriana-3, and Eris Morn recently—and by that, I of course mean that Eris Morn and I have been dragged and carried places by Wei Ning, with Eriana following her lead—and while they're fun, I have to stay on my toes around them. They're very persistent and very observant, even Wei, and I can feel their eyes on me.
It's no secret to them that the Vault of Glass was a horrifying experience. They're all high enough Vanguard ranks to have seen the official report that The Speaker wrote. It's just…the way the always keep an eye on me bothers me. It puts me on edge.
But it's also very comforting knowing there's someone watching my back, even if they're doing it because they're worried that I, of all people, might have succumbed to the Vex's mind torture.
Before tonight, I wouldn't have thought that they knew very much about why I was on an officially sanctioned vacation. Before tonight, I wouldn't have thought that they suspected that I might be afraid of being alone (while that isn't even perfectly accurate).
But now, standing in line to go through the Festival of the Lost's most famous Guardian-operated "haunted Tower"…
I think they know more than they should.
As we stood in line and got closer to the main entrance, I struggled to hide my nervousness as I read the signs.
Apparently, you go in in pairs of 2, so obviously Wei Ning and Eriana are going in the spooky tunnel together. So I get Eris, and if the looks that the group has been shooting each other is any indication, she's going to go invisible and disappear as soon as it gets dark.
Which means they're going to send me, the man secretly afraid of dying alone, into a haunted maze alone.
"What's wrong there Pahanin, you look like you've seen a ghost!" Eris teased as she elbowed my side.
I snapped out of my thoughts and realized that they were all looking at my pale face.
"What? Oh, sorry… I guess I zoned out…" I bullshitted.
"Yeah, suuuuureeee. I bet he was trying to read the signs. You need some help there, Hunter?" Eriana added in, earning a snicker from her girlfriend and a betrayed glare from Eris. "Those 2-syllabaled words can be tough, huh?"
"No, I was just daydreaming."
"Well your face looked like you had just woken up in someone else's bed next to a 400 pound man!" Wei piled on.
Really, I looked that mortified?
"I don't know about that, but I hear Eris is an expert in that particular area…" I responded, hoping to deflect this conversation at Eris. I do feel bad that I had to waste such a good piece of leverage over her on this, though.
Eris' mouth dropped open as surprise and anger shot across her face, and she immediately whipped her head at Eriana and pointed a finger at her.
"You little fucker! I told you that in confidence!" She grumbled at Eriana as her finger turned into a fist.
Wei Ning and I both laughed but before any violence could come out of this, we reached the entrance. I looked up and noticed a woman sitting behind a desk and a guy standing behind her.
"Alright, who are the next two?" The lady called out.
"That's us!" Wei Ning nearly shouted as she dragged Eriana up there with her.
"Alright, follow Rocko-16 and he'll tell you the rules. Who's next?"
"I guess that's us." I stated as Eris and I walked forwards. I kept my eyes ahead on where Wei and Eriana walked and as they entered the first room another guy walked out. Unlike the first guy—Rocko-something—this guy was actually dressed up for the job. Or at least his ghost was, as it was wearing a sheet over itself, pretending to be a ghost. Clever.
"Alright, just follow Bentley-22. Next?"
We followed Bentley-22 through the arches of the entrance (that had been stylishly decorated with fake spider webs) and followed as he turned to the right and stopped by a table with two bins on it.
"Alright Hunters, I'm going to have to ask for all of your weapons. ALL of them. All of our staff are Guardians who can regen, but we don't really feel like getting shot or stabbed."
Eris and I both grunted and made fleeting eye contact, and I could tell we were both thinking the same thing: how many knives handed over if enough to keep him from searching us for the rest?
In the end, for me it was eight knives, leaving me with six very well hidden and very difficult to retrieve knives. Don't ask.
Eris had to turn over twelve before Bentley was satisfied, and something tells me she still has more than I do.
Bentley put all of our knives and guns a box for each of us and then wrote our names on them with a dry-erase marker before stacking them with presumably everyone else's. He then came back and handed us two common, minimum light hand cannons.
"Here, if you get the urge to shoot something, use these. Just don't…punch your way out or anything…" He said in a manner that made me feel like I may not be the most nervous person to have gone through here.
He pointed at a door and wished us luck before walking back out front, and Eris and I opened it to find a pitch black corridor. Eris made sure to close the door behind us, making it very difficult to see or track anything.
"You know, I hear that they have different themes every year. Last year they had it Fallen themed. I wonder what it is this year…" She mused. Her voice betrayed the smirk on her face; I'm sure she knows exactly what the theme is.
In fact, if she's smirking, then she's sure that I'm going to hate the theme. Could it be…?
"AH MOTHERFUCKER!" I screamed as a Vex Hobgoblin's laser rifle fired right past my head, and in a matter of seconds I had fired all six rounds in my handcannon in the general direction the shot had come from.
I heard Eris laugh hysterically from somewhere behind me, but my instincts kicked in and I started reloading my handcannon with my head on a swivel, looking for more Vex. This handcannon was such an old model that all six rounds had to be inserted separately, and my hands were shaking so badly that only two of the six actually made it in on the first try. The other four clinked to the ground, and I didn't dare bend over to pick them up.
Then from somewhere behind me, I heard a small static noise: the noise of Eris going invisible.
"YOU BITCH, ERIS! You brought me here for revenge for hitting on you, didn't you?! I APOLIGIZED, OKAY?! I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID ABOUT YOUR HOOD!"
Eris didn't respond, and as I made my way down the dark corridor I knew that she was somewhere around me, just waiting for the best moment to scare me.
My heart is pounding so loud that Eris is probably tracking me by it. At the end of the corridor was a door that opened away from me, and as I was five feet from it I heard motion from the corner of the room that was five feet to the right of the door. It was encased in shadows so I couldn't see what it was until the replica Minotaur had smashed the ground in front of me.
"shitshitshitshitshitshit!" I yelled out in perfect timing with my six shots. I'm pretty sure I had jumped when the Minotaur lunged at me and I fired all six shots before I reached the ground.
I heard a chuckle from inside the Minotaur; I'm sure that guy really enjoys his job. He retreated back to the corner and I walked up to the door, and I slowly placed my hand on the handle, not certain what to expect behind the door.
I worked up whatever was left of my fragile pride and courage and began to brace myself for whatever horror was on the other side, but I was not prepared for anything BEHIND me to happen. Just as my hand started turning the knob, Eris fired her from right behind me.
"GAAAAAAAAHHH!" I screamed, not even mentally able to pick out any particular words to scream.
I recovered my wits and bent over with my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath and stop my heart from exploding.
"You coming, pussy?" Eris taunted from the door, and I didn't have the mental faculties to respond in any way but flipping her off with my nearest hand.
As we made our way into the next room, the lighting was slightly better and I had a second to try to berate Eris for her treachery.
"Are you…trying to get me to hurt someone?" I asked exasperated, with my heart beat still much higher than I would like.
"Me? No, I'm just treating you like a normal Hunter would. Unless, of course, there's some reason that you're wound up so tight…"
So that's the game, huh? She's trying to get me to say it out loud. All three of them probably conspired to make this work.
Well, we'll just see how well it goes now that I know their game.
The room we were in turned out to be just a small connector room, and instead of a door at the end, there was a fake Vex gateway with a cloth screen instead of an actual portal.
"Shiiiiiit…" I grumbled under my voice. If Eris heard me, she didn't want me to know as she didn't look at me.
I'm…not going to go into too many details about what happened in the rest of the maze. There are still numerous conflicting reports about who shot who in there; all I can legally say is that I was provoked, okay?
But…I did realize something. Despite her sinister plan, I felt much better when Eris was by my side instead of invisible. I knew that she was planning on ditching me whenever the moment was right just to make things worse for me—making her literally the least comforting person to have with me—but just having someone there helped.
Besides…if I was going to shoot anyone with a Golden Gun on accident…I'm glad it was her.
When we did get out of the haunted house, Wei Ning and Eriana were waiting for us.
"So, Pahanin, how'd it go?" Wei Ning singsonged with a cheerful grin on her face.
"The good news is that they banned me from ever coming back." I chimed semi-cheerfully, just glad that I was finally through the torture.
"What?...did it have anything to do with that Golden Gun I heard go off?" Eriana asked annoyed. As if on cue, Eris caught up to us with a scowl that could have killed an Archon.
"I'm going to take that as a yes…" Eriana answered her own question.
"Hey, does that look like smoke to you guys?" Wei Ning interjected, pointing back at the tunnel.
"I'm sure that it's one of the decorations." I said without even turning around.
"No but there's people screaming and running to get out of there."
"I SAID IT'S PART OF THE ACT, okay?"
"So you never answered the question, Pahanin. How was it?" Wei Ning egged on.
"Honestly, I've never been more terrified in my LIFE…then when I saw Eris again in the light!"
I tried to redirect, but they weren't having any of it. No one took that answer well—particularly not Eris—and I was left with three irritated women staring me down.
In all honesty, it was the most terrifying part of my night.
Suddenly, I got a chime indicating that there was a call for me on the communication network.
"Oh thank the Traveler. Ghost, patch it through. Excuse me, ladies."
I took a few steps away and kept my ear on those three to make sure they weren't going to wait for me. After a few moments, they broke the silence and started talking about something, so I figured I was in the clear.
"Yeah, this is Pahanin?" I called into my communicator, with no answer. "Uh Ghost, I think that the line is dead."
"Don't worry. There's not really a call. I just faked that to get you out of there." My Ghost replied.
"You sly dog! I guess there really is someone out there watching my back…" I said enthusiastically, but trailed off as…
…as I got an idea.
"Ghost, call Roni 55-30 and schedule an appointment with Osiris for right now."
"Uh…okay."
I turned back around to face the group, failing to hide my grin.
"Well, ladies (and Eris), it's been absolutely no fun, and I hate to run out early…but I've just been called in by the Vanguard so I've gotta run."
I had my ship pick me up from the abandoned tower before I could even get a response, and within a few mins I was landing back at the real Tower. Another five minutes to get to his office.
"Hello Lord Pahanin, Overlord of Earth, Regent of the Our Cephalopod Gods, he is expecting you."
"Hi Roni, good to see you too!" I replied, quite pleased with the numerous changes I made to my personnel file.
"Ah, Pahanin, what can I do for you?" Osiris greeted as I walked in.
"Osiris, buddy, I want a robot."
Silence.
"A…robot." He said, as if testing the words. "Well you can't have Roni if that's what you're asking."
"No, no, not a frame. Something with a higher AI than that. And it needs to have guns, too!"
"…may I ask—and I am truly terrified of your answer—why you need a robot?"
"I figured out how to solve my problem; this will get me back in the field. I need someone to watch my back out in the wilds."
"I see. Have you…considered the fact that your Ghost is sentient? And very personable. And has already been going out in the field with you?"
"Yeah, yeah, but one more makes three of us. Three's a crowd. I would feel infinitely safer in a crowd. You can't…" I trailed off, deciding against what I was going to say.
Unfortunately, he caught on to my hesitance.
"You can't what?"
"You can't die alone like Kabr if you're in a crowd."
Osiris sat back in his chair and rubbed his chin for a few moments, contemplating things.
"It would probably rub our Exo Guardians the wrong way if we gave you a pet robot. Not to mention the Ghosts… Besides, the Vanguard doesn't just have spare AI's better than the frames just laying around. Otherwise we would have smarter frames."
"Hey. I heard that." Roni piped up from the other side of the door.
"Okay, so what if I reclaim some Golden Age tech with an AI? There's got to be plenty of those somewhere."
Osiris chuckled a little, as if I had said something of an inside joke he had with himself.
"Yes, they're just practically sitting on every street corner. Besides, if you claimed an AI for the Vanguard, I'm certain that Saint-14 wouldn't commission it for your personal use…"
"No, but if I found some Golden Age 'weapon tech', he would let me make it into a gun for myself; happens all the time. And if my Warlock Vanguard Leader who owes me a favor for sending me into the Vault of Glass and giving me crippling anxiety helps me out, I can get a Foundry to make me a new weapon and install an AI that I happen to have for some reason into it."
Osiris just sat there and stared at me. Most people think this is him being intimidating, but I've been around the guy long enough to know that when he's deep in thought, he just looks angry.
"So you want to go on salvage missions to recover gun technology but also to secretly obtain an AI. Then you want the Vanguard to ask a weapon Foundry to help you create a new weapon with the gun tech, except when you get there you're also going to have them install and AI into it." He summarized, trying to poke holes as he went.
"And since you are one of the three Vanguard heads, having you to ensure the Foundry doesn't question why I have an AI won't be an issue either."
Osiris scratched his chin some more as he kept thinking over the plan.
"This…could work, actually. There are two obstacles that I can see: one, that to obtain this salvage you would have to go into the wilds alone, which is the whole issue anyways. And two, you been on a break for a while now, so the Vanguard isn't going to want to do you any favors unless you've recently shown them a reason they should."
"I think that I have a way to solve both of those…" I replied with a grin.
Super Good Editor: Here the story jumps again, this time two days later. Pahanin was really bad at keeping track of these skips. Fortunately, I'm a little more organized… Unlike your vault, which you still haven't taken me out of, have you?
-Super Good Advice
"Alright noobs, listen up! You all are Junior Guardians, Private Negative First Class rank as far as I care! My job is to babysit you new Warriors of the Light so you don't permanently die on your first mission. You may call me Master Pahanin, except for you down on the end, miss: You can call me anytime. Now, newbies, welcome to Mars, home of the Clovis Bray Research Facilities that we will be plundering today!"
Author's Note: Well, no one commented to tell me that the first chapter sucked, so here's the second one. Again, if you liked it and think it's funny, then you have good taste and should leave a comment. If not, well leave a comment anyways. I took a leap here on timelines, but in case it wasn't obvious enough Pahanin's group here are three Guardians who haven't been killed by the Lunar invasion yet. Wei Ning died at the major battle against Crota, and Eriana-3's Raid Fireteam (including Eris Morn) went down in the pit to avenge those that fell to Crota. Eriana goes down specifically to avenge Wei Ning, and there's palpable tension between those two...
If I'm off the mark on any fine details like that, let me know in the comments.
